- Joined
- Jan 28, 2018
- Messages
- 29
Dear community,
Hope you are all out there doing fine and having a great time!
It has been (apparently, just looked it up) five years since I had an episode with a married coworker of mine and found help on this forum. Still grateful for that. She is still dear to me although all contact is lost. I learned a lot from her; resilience, escalation, recovering and how important for me personally a deep connection actually is.
I have been seeing multiple very interesting women over the past years. From a high-ranking business lady to a funky school teacher to some married women who wanted some action on the side. My intentions were always clear and upfront; sex, a good time and fun experiences but don't come too close to avoid making things complicated. I also got quite efficient at cutting ties to girls who came too close for my liking. Sometimes felt sad but they knew what they were getting into.
Professionally, I have grown and am now leading a department of 35 employees at a major, global company. We have a couple of interns, one of whom I immediately noticed during the company introduction day beginning of January. We (I) hit it off that day only to find out towards the end of that day that she is in my line. Not even direct but two levels down and that she's 25. I'm 41. Not willing to risk any HR troubles should things go awry, I immediately backed off and for over 8 months, that worked perfectly fine. Still wanted to fuck her badly, she has such a delicious body and she knows how to dress. I imagined there are some lucky assholes out there pounding her every weekend. Happy even for her if she gets some, that is what being 25 is for. Better for a million reasons not from me; age difference, I had alternatives, her life phase vs mine and especially the risk of destroying my career 15 years in the making. Really worked my ass off to get where I am now.
After the summer break, however, she got more into my FOV. She would sit opposite of me in meetings, ask for impromptu meetings about trivial things she could get from her direct line manager. If I walked by, she would light up and wave. I was always friendly and I see myself very much as an approachable leader whose door is always open and is always willing to help (professionally). I do it with the other 34 employees as well. It then got more intense; she started saying that she checked out my calendar regularly for when I was on-site or at home, telling me she wrote a message in the internal chat system to me but then deleted it again, not saying what it was about. Hoping to see me during lunchtime. All small remarks. I didn't bite and kept my responses polite.
Four weeks ago, I mentioned to the team I would travel to the other company site in the country. No intentions other than to make them aware of my presence. The day before she asked if she could join as it was 'her only chance to see the site during her internship' (coming to an end in three months). I was hesitant but said sure (stupid!). We spent the next day together. It was mind-blowingly beautiful. What a connection; so many laughs, great work done and we talked about all kinds of things and found so many commonalities. She even went as far to have a look-each-other-in-the-eye-and-see-what-colors-they-are playful game. Couldn't believe she is 'only' 25, the way she looks at life. All guys (and some girls) checking her tight ass out btw. Still, I thought it made me look like a cliché; the new boss with the hot intern. Not what I am aiming for. And definitely no option to kiss her or escalate in the presence of other colleagues.
After that, our interaction intensified. Texting, bumping into each other. Having a coffee together. I however started getting doubts; about my intentions towards her, probably bang her a couple of times and then ditch like the rest if she gets too close. Definitely no long-term future plans with her. And there was still the HR issue. I checked our policies and they are razor-sharp when it comes to relationships with a direct line employee. No chance.
Two weeks ago when she looked me up for the third time on a single day and I took her to a private meeting room. She came up with some random issue which we solved in 5 minutes. Then I asked if there was anything else. And kept my mouth shut to see what would come. She took a couple of deep breaths and she asked in her typical direct way why it was that I have so many good connections to so many beautiful girls. I asked how she thought that being the case? Well, she saw it at work, and she checked my Facebook and Instagram.
Here, I snapped; this had to stop. Calendar checking and now FB. Stalker and obsessive behavior.
So I did what I always do when somebody comes too close. I went into jerk-mode to scare her away and shut down any feelings on her end. I said that if this continues, we end up together at some point, from there I see only one route and that at the end she would be in a world of hurt because I will kill-switch it like I do with many others before her. So better to stop any and all non-professional interaction to protect her from pain. I will still help her in her career but I can't be friends or anything more. Stunned, she left the meeting room. Not the best way, I admit. And I felt really down afterwards.
The next day, it was the annual office party. Of course could not have been a better timing. I have to show up and connect with my team. She was sulking and ignored me for most of it. Until the very end where I said goodbye to everybody. At the moment I came to her, she grabbed me by the arms and asked when we would have a follow-up meeting and looked me deep in my eyes. It hurt me to say to her that I said everything I wanted to say and if she had anything more, the door would be open but would not change the outcome.
The next Monday she started behaving irrationally. Sending out extremely polite reactions via mail. Applying for a conference she knows I am speaking at. All legitimate stuff if you take it at face value. But it irked me. Then on Wednesday, I bumped into her on the elevator. I asked her how she was doing. 'Really bad' was her answer. I said I didn't feel too rosy myself either. Next thing I know, I get a message that she is crying in a meeting room alone. Forcing myself hard not to react and not give in to the drama I waited until the afternoon to reply saying I didn't understand how this nice interaction derailed so completely. And that we needed to talk the next evening I would have time. Be there at 6PM and only show up if she wants to.
She came and what ensued was two hours of drama; mutual crying, blaming, denial of her feelings on her end, a total mindfuck. It's a bit of a blur and I'm still not sure what she exactly did but I completely broke down in front of her. The things she said and how she views me were so spot on and right in the heart of some of my deepest pains, fears and soul. She saw completely and utterly through me. We left in a cold way. I felt empty and drained.
I thought that was that. Wait it out the three months until New Year and then she's gone. I will miss her even if our true interaction was only brief. The pain will fade. And there is a wonderful Portuguese woman on my floor from a very different department who is dressing up to the nines every day.
Until yesterday, when I had my monthly check-in with my personal development coach. Apparently my intern found out who she is and set up a meeting for a one hour try-out coaching session. My coach could not tell me what was said (confidentiality) except for one thing she was allowed to share and that is that my intern lied to me about her feelings for me. My coach said to see it as a challenge, wait until the line manager - relationship is over at the end of the year and she moves to a different department. Then all is free to play out. A deep connection is a wonderful thing to have with someone and we both got scared and jumped.
In the meantime, the gossip mill runs fast and one of our sales guys is hanging all over her, even taking his chance of bringing her home after a work dinner. That stings too. But then, he is allowed per the company rules.
This morning in the team meeting, she looked like a wreck. Tired, down and ignored me completely.
It all feels like a huge lost chance at something truly great and unnecessarily painful. I can't get her out of my head. Any ideas / reflections? Is there a chance this can be recovered?
Hope you are all out there doing fine and having a great time!
It has been (apparently, just looked it up) five years since I had an episode with a married coworker of mine and found help on this forum. Still grateful for that. She is still dear to me although all contact is lost. I learned a lot from her; resilience, escalation, recovering and how important for me personally a deep connection actually is.
I have been seeing multiple very interesting women over the past years. From a high-ranking business lady to a funky school teacher to some married women who wanted some action on the side. My intentions were always clear and upfront; sex, a good time and fun experiences but don't come too close to avoid making things complicated. I also got quite efficient at cutting ties to girls who came too close for my liking. Sometimes felt sad but they knew what they were getting into.
Professionally, I have grown and am now leading a department of 35 employees at a major, global company. We have a couple of interns, one of whom I immediately noticed during the company introduction day beginning of January. We (I) hit it off that day only to find out towards the end of that day that she is in my line. Not even direct but two levels down and that she's 25. I'm 41. Not willing to risk any HR troubles should things go awry, I immediately backed off and for over 8 months, that worked perfectly fine. Still wanted to fuck her badly, she has such a delicious body and she knows how to dress. I imagined there are some lucky assholes out there pounding her every weekend. Happy even for her if she gets some, that is what being 25 is for. Better for a million reasons not from me; age difference, I had alternatives, her life phase vs mine and especially the risk of destroying my career 15 years in the making. Really worked my ass off to get where I am now.
After the summer break, however, she got more into my FOV. She would sit opposite of me in meetings, ask for impromptu meetings about trivial things she could get from her direct line manager. If I walked by, she would light up and wave. I was always friendly and I see myself very much as an approachable leader whose door is always open and is always willing to help (professionally). I do it with the other 34 employees as well. It then got more intense; she started saying that she checked out my calendar regularly for when I was on-site or at home, telling me she wrote a message in the internal chat system to me but then deleted it again, not saying what it was about. Hoping to see me during lunchtime. All small remarks. I didn't bite and kept my responses polite.
Four weeks ago, I mentioned to the team I would travel to the other company site in the country. No intentions other than to make them aware of my presence. The day before she asked if she could join as it was 'her only chance to see the site during her internship' (coming to an end in three months). I was hesitant but said sure (stupid!). We spent the next day together. It was mind-blowingly beautiful. What a connection; so many laughs, great work done and we talked about all kinds of things and found so many commonalities. She even went as far to have a look-each-other-in-the-eye-and-see-what-colors-they-are playful game. Couldn't believe she is 'only' 25, the way she looks at life. All guys (and some girls) checking her tight ass out btw. Still, I thought it made me look like a cliché; the new boss with the hot intern. Not what I am aiming for. And definitely no option to kiss her or escalate in the presence of other colleagues.
After that, our interaction intensified. Texting, bumping into each other. Having a coffee together. I however started getting doubts; about my intentions towards her, probably bang her a couple of times and then ditch like the rest if she gets too close. Definitely no long-term future plans with her. And there was still the HR issue. I checked our policies and they are razor-sharp when it comes to relationships with a direct line employee. No chance.
Two weeks ago when she looked me up for the third time on a single day and I took her to a private meeting room. She came up with some random issue which we solved in 5 minutes. Then I asked if there was anything else. And kept my mouth shut to see what would come. She took a couple of deep breaths and she asked in her typical direct way why it was that I have so many good connections to so many beautiful girls. I asked how she thought that being the case? Well, she saw it at work, and she checked my Facebook and Instagram.
Here, I snapped; this had to stop. Calendar checking and now FB. Stalker and obsessive behavior.
So I did what I always do when somebody comes too close. I went into jerk-mode to scare her away and shut down any feelings on her end. I said that if this continues, we end up together at some point, from there I see only one route and that at the end she would be in a world of hurt because I will kill-switch it like I do with many others before her. So better to stop any and all non-professional interaction to protect her from pain. I will still help her in her career but I can't be friends or anything more. Stunned, she left the meeting room. Not the best way, I admit. And I felt really down afterwards.
The next day, it was the annual office party. Of course could not have been a better timing. I have to show up and connect with my team. She was sulking and ignored me for most of it. Until the very end where I said goodbye to everybody. At the moment I came to her, she grabbed me by the arms and asked when we would have a follow-up meeting and looked me deep in my eyes. It hurt me to say to her that I said everything I wanted to say and if she had anything more, the door would be open but would not change the outcome.
The next Monday she started behaving irrationally. Sending out extremely polite reactions via mail. Applying for a conference she knows I am speaking at. All legitimate stuff if you take it at face value. But it irked me. Then on Wednesday, I bumped into her on the elevator. I asked her how she was doing. 'Really bad' was her answer. I said I didn't feel too rosy myself either. Next thing I know, I get a message that she is crying in a meeting room alone. Forcing myself hard not to react and not give in to the drama I waited until the afternoon to reply saying I didn't understand how this nice interaction derailed so completely. And that we needed to talk the next evening I would have time. Be there at 6PM and only show up if she wants to.
She came and what ensued was two hours of drama; mutual crying, blaming, denial of her feelings on her end, a total mindfuck. It's a bit of a blur and I'm still not sure what she exactly did but I completely broke down in front of her. The things she said and how she views me were so spot on and right in the heart of some of my deepest pains, fears and soul. She saw completely and utterly through me. We left in a cold way. I felt empty and drained.
I thought that was that. Wait it out the three months until New Year and then she's gone. I will miss her even if our true interaction was only brief. The pain will fade. And there is a wonderful Portuguese woman on my floor from a very different department who is dressing up to the nines every day.
Until yesterday, when I had my monthly check-in with my personal development coach. Apparently my intern found out who she is and set up a meeting for a one hour try-out coaching session. My coach could not tell me what was said (confidentiality) except for one thing she was allowed to share and that is that my intern lied to me about her feelings for me. My coach said to see it as a challenge, wait until the line manager - relationship is over at the end of the year and she moves to a different department. Then all is free to play out. A deep connection is a wonderful thing to have with someone and we both got scared and jumped.
In the meantime, the gossip mill runs fast and one of our sales guys is hanging all over her, even taking his chance of bringing her home after a work dinner. That stings too. But then, he is allowed per the company rules.
This morning in the team meeting, she looked like a wreck. Tired, down and ignored me completely.
It all feels like a huge lost chance at something truly great and unnecessarily painful. I can't get her out of my head. Any ideas / reflections? Is there a chance this can be recovered?
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Years of honing the craft paid dividends. I didn't do anything desperate, no stalking, no sending text messages, no begging. The last one is over a week ago, right after our breakdown meeting and was me thanking her for her time and hope she arrived home safe. She wrote back she did and said all was good on her end. There was one e-mail exchange where she put me in cc (needless a bit, but ok) and I replied positively and supportive.
! Hope all will be well in the car... Not sure what her problem is, but she was losing it when I hugged you.'
