Date got ruined by former boss, how to deal with AMOGs that knew you.

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Ello GC, I thought you guys would just the guys to give me some advice here because I know I did things wrong, do not want to make the same mistake twice. I am going to share the story first and then the relationship between me and my old boss after that.

I went on a date yesterday, outdoor seating as indoor dining is still closed in my city. Date arrives and she is looking great, met her off of bumble and we've been wanting to meet up for weeks now. We grab a table and sit down for a bit but out of some odd coincidence, my former boss happens to be in the vicinity. I ignore him for the most part since after I left, he has been passive aggressive to me over texts and stuff. He does not live in the area but he does troll the bars there a lot.

Comes up to me and chats, says hello and I say hey while only partially looking at him and then going back to talk to my date. Used the same tactic that was talked about in the article around AMOGs of giving them a momentary answer and then turning your attention to the girl. So I talk to my date and my former boss keeps interjecting, he immediately cuts in and say "I am (my name) boss".

I immediately say "I used work for him and left, that 2 weeks notice should have gone through months ago". The guy smiles and laughs, then I shake my head smiling as I turn to my date to ignore him. Then he keeps cutting in whenever I am talking to my date to where we cannot even have a conversation, she gets clearly annoyed and shakes her head. I look to him and say "hey man, it's time for you to go, neither of us want you here". He mocks me and then I say "great impersonation, now go away", he persists and sticks around.

After that he tries making statements to make me look bad such as saying how much I love Trump (date was a Latina) and I ignore that. Then at some point, it becomes too much and she gets very annoyed by his constant interruptions.

She says "okay, I am done here". Walks away.

I don't know what I could have done here as he was hellbent on ruining that date. Any advice?

 

[DarkKnight]

You were at a club or something right? You just should have warned someone of the staff or when he got too persistent get in his face (if you have the frame for that.. but guessing by his behavior I think you don't have the precedent) . Otherwise if all fails after his uncalibrated attempts just tell the chick to leave the asshole to himself (in other words leave with the girl).

I don't get how he gets the audacity to behave like this though... You do not have to answer this but there is a big chance that you came off as way too submissive in your past relation, OR he is just a super uncalibrated prick. Those guys sadly exist.

1. Tell him to fuck off
2. Tell him you will inform the staff
3. Just inform the staff
or
4. take her by the hand excuse to her for his prickish behavior and leave while showing zero reactivity to the asshole. In other words don't give him satisfaction make him feel uneffective.

Unfortunately these assholes exist and will keep existing. It is important to give off a strong frame as a deterrent.. but some unaware guys will make mistakes anyway.. then you just have to be ruthless and escalate real fast in consequenses, real or imagined (you need a strong frame for this, ideally be the genuine article). Bullies tend to not bully people who strike back hard (not just talking physical here).

The biggest problem is that this guy had the idea he could get away with his behavior.. You have to dispell this notion fast and see their posing break.


The funny thing is.. in my experience.... a LOT of times these guys end up to be total chumps. Rarely do I see real winners engage in this weird behavior.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

You were at a club or something right? You just should have warned someone of the staff or when he got too persistent get in his face (if you have the frame for that.. but guessing by his behavior I think you don't have the precedent) . Otherwise if all fails after his uncalibrated attempts just tell the chick to leave the asshole to himself (in other words leave with the girl).

I don't get how he gets the audacity to behave like this though... You do not have to answer this but there is a big chance that you came off as way too submissive in your past relation, OR he is just a super uncalibrated prick. Those guys sadly exist.

1. Tell him to fuck off
2. Tell him you will inform the staff
3. Just inform the staff
or
4. take her by the hand excuse to her for his prickish behavior and leave while showing zero reactivity to the asshole
or.

Unfortunately these assholes exist and will keep existing. It is important to give off a strong frame as a deterrent.. but some unaware guys will make mistakes anyway.. then you just have to be ruthless and escalate real fast in consequenses, real or imagined (you need a strong frame for this, ideally be the genuine article). Bullies tend to not bully people who strike back hard (not just talking physical here).

The biggest problem is that this guy had the idea he could get away with his behavior.. You have to dispell this notion fast and see their posing break.

Bold is unfortunately the case.

So we were at an outdoor seating area, indoor dining is closed in my city likely till the rest of 2020. I am going to write up a background pretty soon on my relationship with the guy.

 

[DarkKnight]

You don't have to write the background, I already know enough. The man got away with too much.. and there is no shame in that brother, because sometimes life is difficult to navigate. But, next time some chump acts like this because he thinks he can get away.... You escalate fast and show real consequences in his face just as boldly as your bolded those fonts in the quote you replied to.

People tend to behave a whole lof different when they know there are some serious consequences or when they expect something menacing to happen.

Trust me that prick wouldn't have expected you to inform the staff for harassing.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Thought I'd give some background here too on my former boss and I.

Background -

After stumbling around a bit, I found a role that had a high pay and equity at a startup. My boss had found me through networking and we seemed to click right away. After a few rounds, I got the job. My boss's friend (this tall black dude) started the same day as me, he met my boss at a nightclub. For the first few months, things were actually pretty good. Boss and I became friends. Boss is also in his mid 20s. He also has a coworker he is close to who is almost 30, trust fund baby that lived the prototypical frat boy life, huge ego and narcissistic as they come but loves to start shit.

Instagram is borderline a huge benefit in our industry so I got an account and added him on there, as much as I dislike social media outside of LinkedIn. About 5 months in I start to see cracks, he had unrealistic expectations. Trust fund baby and boss make me their third wing and we go out but the relationship was more them trying to teach me shit. I take it as a chance to learn and present myself as a good teammate.

Then after going out with him to drink during happy hours, I notice some hypocrisy. The guy talks about how great feminism is and how bad body shaming is, then he goes through a dating app in front of me in happy hour and talks about how a certain girl is too fat or too hideous. Talks about how bad racism is and makes fun of Asian people and their accents.

He also talked about how his first boss who was an abusive scumbag that made people cry had such an influence on him.

Time goes on and as we near a year, the business struggles since it is of course a startup. We hire about 5 more new people on our team. One is a cool redhead from Texas, rest are squares. We have some feisty latina lesbian and a couple others are stoners. He does hire this one kid who he likes a lot and gives him the easiest shit to do.

Boss starts to play favorites and then as the new year hits, he is becoming irrationally mean to me. Criticizes me for every little thing too and I am the worker bee who does not want to push back since I need the job. Meanwhile, I look for new jobs and new opportunities.

I had hit it off well with the redhead and the black dude, we even went out some weekends together to party. Now I come in one day, he fires the black dude and tells us about it. I still chat with the guy and the redhead and I get close, she has a boyfriend. What's weird is he writes me a recommendation on my LinkedIn page which can go a long way in the career world.

Then right before lockdowns had hit, I was moving along well with a new opportunity. I ended up getting into final stages right as we were all told to work from home. Work from home was so cool, did not have to deal with the prick anymore. Finally got an opportunity and then put in my 2 weeks over zoom by telling him. He asks me for feedback and I told him sometimes it seems like he talks down to people too much, he admits it but plays it smoothly.

After I leave he still texts me in a friendly way. Then I notice he starts to get more aggressive.

A couple months after I had left, he sees me at my coworker's going away party. We had a few drinks and I had largely avoided him but then I notice he starts to get more testy. I talk about how I do not do coke because my Colombian friend's grandma got killed by Escobar, gets snarky and says "weird flex". Then I talk about how I want to have my first fight before 30 to my friend's boyfriend and he says "I'll fight you right now".

It was weird but I start to notice he was not so friendly with shit after all.

I then notice I receive passive aggressive texts from him such as how he looked through my old emails and how I was applying for other jobs, is now going to apply to jobs at a marijuana company with my email.

Gonna go on a run now but I'd want to give you guys his personality profile, seems like a really passive aggressive dude. I read Hector's stuff on combatting psychopaths but we'll get more into this profile and see what we can come up with him against him.

 

[DarkKnight]

You're making it too complicated. It's irrelevant who or what he is, what he thinks. Just put boundaries, show consequences and you will see another impression of him you didn't know. Right now he holds a psychological imprint on you and a strong precedent. You just have to discard the precedent and jar him real good so he understands that things have changed and won't go his way. Likely he has tested you over and over again, probably even got a bit too confident.

Trust me nothing about him is special and much of the written above is totally irrelevant. You have boundaries: enforce them.

 

[Velasco]

Then he keeps cutting in whenever I am talking to my date to where we cannot even have a conversation, she gets clearly annoyed and shakes her head.

i'd get up from the table. "Hey Tom come here for a sec. I wanna ask you something" (if he ignores you, say his name in a more stern voice this time, "Tom" wave him over) as you move away from the table. "How's everything going man? you good?" let him talk. then, "That's good good. So listen, I'd love to chat with you about whatever's on your mind, but as you can see I'm on a date right now. And I'd like for us to have some privacy ok? But hey if you want to get together and have a chat some time. let me know. you've got my number right? ok great. So I'm gonna go back and have dinner with my date, if that's ok with you *body leaning towards table*. Thanks man I really appreciate it. Have a good night". *shake hands and tap shoulder* then return to your table.

 

[Militarybrat]

First off I'm a SIGMA male a Lone Wolf and I do not tolerate disrespect.

At first you were polite very good.

When he chose to bully you which he did. I would have stared him in the eyes and told him this is a conversation is between A and B you see your way in now see your way out, do not break eye contact until he is gone.

If he does not leave continue staring into his eyes with a blank look on your face Tell him I will not tolerate your disrespect any longer you need to leave. If he refuses don't loose eye contact and stand up.

You were with a Latina girl they will not tolerate a weak male which is why she left. If you won't stand up for yourself you will not stand up for her.

I get the peaceful thing it is always better than the other. Sometimes ya got no choice so switch to plan B.

If he had mocked me lets just say he would not do it again ever.

I do not advocate violence my verbals are really good in these situations. I would have dressed him down in public. With a bully they only know one thing so ya best be strong.

How you handle your affairs is up to you just don't be weak about them.

Brat

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

i'd get up from the table. "Hey Tom come here for a sec. I wanna ask you something" (if he ignores you, say his name in a more stern voice this time, "Tom" wave him over) as you move away from the table. "How's everything going man? you good?" let him talk. then, "That's good good. So listen, I'd love to chat with you about whatever's on your mind, but as you can see I'm on a date right now. And I'd like for us to have some privacy ok? But hey if you want to get together and have a chat some time. let me know. you've got my number right? ok great. So I'm gonna go back and have dinner with my date, if that's ok with you *body leaning towards table*. Thanks man I really appreciate it. Have a good night". *shake hands and tap shoulder* then return to your table.

Good stuff but what if he is not compliant and tests me with a smile on his face?

 

[DarkKnight]

@ Post Was Right in your situation your boss won't be compliant. Then do what I wrote.

I sense you want to find a golden in between way, maybe in order to dodge assetiveness or avoid tension. It's too late for that.

 

[Militarybrat]

@DarkKnight You are 100% correct brother this jackass has got away with way too much over a long period of time.

@ Post Was Right Look young man you need to invest in you. Find an MMA gym near you go there and get your ass beat everyday it's called training. Show up and don't wine about it you will get beat down do not stay down get up keep going. Show up everyday learn as much as you can you are not doing this to turn pro. It will give you the confidence and ability to stand up for yourself and defend yourself. SELF DEFENSE IS A BASIC SKILL EVERY MAN SHOULD LEARN it is a rough and tumble world we live in. Some out in it like preying on guys like you it is up to you to stop it.

There is a lot written about FUNDAMENTALS here at GC how to be tight on all of them. How to avoid violence which is a good thing. This forum cannot teach you self defense you must do that on your own it's part of being a man.

Brat

 

[trashKENNUT]

I'm not sure if there is a proper way to dissolve the tension other than to verbally draw the line.

Second, use your arms to kinda shove him to the side and not facing him except your face and tell him that you were 'excited' to see him and tell him that you can catch up with him sometime.

Now you might ask why.

First, every guy who is in a senior position of someone, has on purpose stamp authority on that person if that person is successful or going upwards in his life.

That's just how selfish we humans are.

If Hector were to pop up and be a celebrity tomorrow or Teevster or Chase or whoever, you bet that I will be one of the guys to naturally say that "I know this guy and he was here".

That's the natural mental operation. Anyone of us will do this. It's not always malicious but it is terrible for your date, especially if he is your former superior.

In my opinion, you need to draw that line and be aggressive for the simple reason that every boss who is an asshole, knows that he lives in your head 'rent free'.

And the only way to get him out of your head and also in person, is to be assertive and draw the line. If it doesn't happened, you have to pull the trigger and actually shove or punch the person and get your date out of there.

Sidenote: I had an experience where a police officer who knew me thru friends of friends, interrupt my conversation when I was out and talking with a social circle. He was not an asshole but it threw me off. I didn't fucking knew him. The thing is we are humans, and power battles are ugly.

Remember, it's more him going back to his old state with you. To reset old state, you have to move to another country, forced yourself or get smacked hard by other people.

z@c+

 

[Militarybrat]

@Post Was Right Young man let me give you some info on Latina Women had you stood up.

1 Had you gotten beat down she would have taken you home cleaned you up and put a loving fucking on you you would no longer feel pain just because you stood up for her. Damn makes me want to take one on the chin for one.

2 Had you run him off without violence she would have taken you home and passionately fucked your brains out in a way Ajax would not take off. She would do her very best to lay claim to you. They are amazing when they do this second to none.

How do I know I lived in Dallas Texas for over 20 years I am Texan. Had one tell me once I'm Latina you can't handle me. I looked her in the eyes and said I'm German I can handle anything she smiled and said yes you can.

 

[Skills]

Interesting believe it or not guys that know martial arts avoid conflict more than regular guys, example cosy, me etc... I am just playing devil advocate, could it be she was not into you and this was an excuse to bail, when I get home I will link my similar scenario

This is a somewhat related scenario (when it comes to physical fight), read the post and the answers...

when is ok or not ok to white knight? - NextASF

I was with 2 girls at the club, the one i was with kept cock blocking a chode that was being annoying with her friend... The thing is the friend was un clear

nextasf.com

 

[Militarybrat]

@Skills I agree 100% avoid violence if you can I am not a regular guy I'm well trained. This incident happened at a restaurant not a club the former is a laid back easy vibe. A club is a high energy constant on guard vibe due to guys full of liquid courage acting in a manner sober they would not, this is why I do not go to clubs.

This incident is not about White Knighting as the aggressor had no interest in the in the female. His interest was in being a bully to this young man. He knew this young man would not stand up for himself. Hell if he chose to walk up to the table pull out his cock and piss in the young mans face he knew there would be no consequences.

I am not advocating he learn martial arts to go out and beat people up. I am advocating that he learn to defend himself so that he is no longer prey so that he can stand up for himself when the need arises and it will. Life is hard it is full of people who could care less about you and will step on you leaving you in the gutter. Best to be prepared for this so as not to be the victim in the gutter.

His verbals need a lot of work too it is part of being young and inexperienced. He has a lot of work to do he needs to get it done. Post if you need to talk young man I am here you are more than welcome to lean on my experience. My goal is to stop you from being prey and be a man.

Brat

 

[Skills]

I never said It was about white Knighting I made the point about physical confrontation, this was a case were he was a bit of a pushover were he didn't establish firm boundaries

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

I took the time this week to reflect the new awesome boss I have at work and I put in extra work as a result, have not had the chance to check back on this thread in forever. All too often it is so easy to get caught up in the craziness and negativity of bad people that you do not appreciate the good people life has put in front of you. I have a good work environment, great coworkers so far, and a great boss who inspires me (so far). Just slowly brought me back to life I guess, made me appreciate things and get back my old drive for work.

Glad you guys all offered your take on it but I made some changes. So I have blocked my old boss on all social media accounts.

I realize that I set poor boundaries with the guy and you guys all made a good point. I've never been in a fight my whole life and have been using this lockdown to get in shape through eating well and working out, lost 6 pounds this month after having gained like crazy in the past year.

Now looking back at it, I need to do better at setting boundaries.

I have always been a laid back and even kind of a timid guy. Confronting dudes has been a big issue for me because I have never had to do it.

It was for me a catch 22 at the time. If I call him out and start being direct, I am inciting flames and trying too hard.

I am in NYC and all gyms and MMA gyms are closed, they are expensive too and I am short on cash for now. Once I get enough, I am signing up for Krav Maga and sparring classes.

 

[Militarybrat]

@Post Was Right That is all good young man you are your most important asset. There is nothing wrong with being direct it is never try hard it cuts through BS. Keep your chin up and be positive.

Brat

 

[DarkKnight]

It was for me a catch 22 at the time. If I call him out and start being direct, I am inciting flames and trying too hard.

Glad you are introspecting and I hope you really keep at it... Too many guys compromise on things which should not be compromised on. They figure they take the easy route but that route leads to mediocrity. So I really hope you start with the Krav Maga, it will help you in life.

I had to bold that sentence of you above though... You are not inciting flames, the other side is doing so and is well aware about what they are doing. You don;t need anyones approval or vote in order to put people in place who harm you in any way or get into your business/interests.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Yeah it has not been easy for me because naturally, I am a calm guy that stays to himself. I am too zeroed in on the task at hand and never really get into it with people. TBH, I never got the stir the pot type personalities always looking for a fight. Maybe their own lives are a mess and they need something to vent with, who knows. I always found it tough to fight back not because I felt like I could not but because I felt like there are so many ways in which it can be avoided.

It has been tough for me to go through this. It has made me insecure. I long wish for that Conor McGregor personality but it does not come naturally to me.