Dealing with unwelcome touching

[Will_V]

Am I not allowed to turn my back, or pick something up off the ground ever again?

Only at the risk of losing your posterior virginity!

Seriously though, in the clip where he slaps Fassbenders butt, look at the body language of this 'boss'. He's hunched over in a submissive way, hands in pockets, head down, looking like a kid waiting for a scolding. All Fassbender would need to do is tool him a little bit and it would be all over.

If he doesn't want to, well that's another story ..

 

[Dash of Englishness]

Ηey just saw the video as well. I think 30:26 is a better mark, I was also looking at the later part of their conversation and was confused.

I do agree with the second point Lobo made. These guys clearly have an established relationship where the boss is the more dominant party and can get away with such stuff. And that is the fault of Fassbender's character. Since it is not their first interaction it's probable this thing started slowly. Maybe with other dominant touches like shoulder holding, headlock hugging, backslapping and it escalated to this.

The thing is that simply accepting all the moves and doing nothing in return cements him as the submissive in this interaction, basically allowing the boss to use him however he wants. And no I don't think you should ever allow even someone with clear power over you to treat you like that.

Now I have never had a situation with a boss figure acting in similar way, but I would say you still have to impose your boundaries. And doing it early is the best solution, check the camel's nose metaphor as well. And what Lobo says is connected to that. If you have a more dominant and strong presence from the get go, people would think twice of invading your personal space.

The weaker you look the more people will feel allowed to take advantage of you, that's life. So in these situations you have to be firm. And if you get slapped at the butt you have to confront the guy calmly. If you don't, you basically accept it. James D gave a very good example of how to go about it.

And something last regarding the scene, I don't think that Fassbender's character carried himself well enough there. To me it feels like after the butt slap he immediately turned around saw the boss, and his reaction was like: "ah it's you boss? cool you can butt slap me all you want of course." He continued moving his head back and forth in a jittery way, never stood up straight or gave direct eye contact, while the boss had a pretty predatory underlook directly facing him.

The whole vibe feels a bit like the boss scolding him, setting him straight, and telling him what he expects from him in a not very forceful, but clearly dominant way. And I'm pretty sure Fassbender is a good enough actor that he intended to do all the little things in this scene to perfectly portray the submissive role.

Thank you for not holding back there.

It's interesting Jeffy (RSD) doesn't seem to notice any of this! He is only interested in pointing out Fassbender's strong frame and how it gets him girls. You see it a bit in other parts of the movie. This is a previous scene from the last time they met before the above scene. You see the boss getting touchy here. He kisses his neck, and we see what he does to work his way up to this. I'd never kiss a guy's neck! That's more like something the Italians do to each other. Anyway, you can see Fassbender isn't too comfortable with it.

The boss behaving like this is 'likely' all down to the fact that Fassbender is watching porn at work. The audience doesn't know if the boss knows about this yet at this point in the movie, but it's kind of clear the boss does find out later on, and turns a blind eye to it. The boss ultimately finds it easier to bang Fassbender's sister as a result of knowing this about him.

It's funny that you can't talk about this kind of stuff though. I remember someone saying "take it easy man, not everyone is as scheming as you think". But they indeed can be. I've another guy I need to tell off now who's trying this kind of thing on with me. He gave me a pat on the back again recently. We know each other pretty well but we wouldn't be friends. I could sense it coming because my hands were full. I doubt he'd have done it if my hands weren't full! A complete idiot he is too.

 

[ChrisXKiss]

It's interesting Jeffy (RSD) doesn't seem to notice any of this! He is only interested in pointing out Fassbender's strong frame and how it gets him girls. You see it a bit in other parts of the movie. This is a previous scene from the last time they met before the above scene. You see the boss getting touchy here. He kisses his neck, and we see what he does to work his way up to this. I'd never kiss a guy's neck! That's more like something the Italians do to each other. Anyway, you can see Fassbender isn't too comfortable with it.

The thing is that that the boss is indeed a bit tryhard with his dominance. You could say that Fassbender's character is unreactive, but in my opinion it is not enough to be unreactive in such a situation. The vibe I get is a bit of: " Yeah I know my boss is a bit too much with all that, but whatever, I don't take this behaviour seriously". Well at some point you should put a boundary though or react somehow especially if these things happen in public.

It's funny that you can't talk about this kind of stuff though. I remember someone saying "take it easy man, not everyone is as scheming as you think". But they indeed can be. I've another guy I need to tell off now who's trying this kind of thing on with me. He gave me a pat on the back again recently. We know each other pretty well but we wouldn't be friends. I could sense it coming because my hands were full. I doubt he'd have done it if my hands weren't full! A complete idiot is is too.

And it's not always about being scheming. Many people if they feel that you don't stand up for yourself will push you to see how far they can go, and sometimes it can be subconscious. It's like a test from a woman, she doesn't think or scheme about it, but it is a natural reaction when she wants to see what kind of man she deals with.

I would say regarding that guy, what Chase said is the best approach. If he loves slapping, you casually slap back when you see him.

 

[Dash of Englishness]

The thing is that that the boss is indeed a bit try-hard with his dominance. You could say that Fassbender's character is unreactive, but in my opinion it is not enough to be unreactive in such a situation. The vibe I get is a bit of: " Yeah I know my boss is a bit too much with all that, but whatever, I don't take this behaviour seriously". Well at some point you should put a boundary though or react somehow especially if these things happen in public.

And it would be interesting to see what that girl would've have thought of Fassbender if she saw how he handled it.

I must also ask; what's the time limit in being able to call someone out on this sort of stuff. I've had a few things like this happen to me in the past, and feeling caught off guard in the moment, and then feeling that that moment is over. It might only be 20 seconds later, but I'll just feel like the moment is over. And it would be then later on in the day that I'd realise "oh, I could've have said at multiple points after that, but it's only now that I can't".

Interestingly, with touched me in questionable ways, there's two instances where I do remember that another time prior to that where the same individual touched me in a harmless way. So the first time it happened, my mind would've thought "oh that's not enough to hurt my ego" and disregarded it.

I would say regarding that guy, what Chase said is the best approach. If he loves slapping, you casually slap back when you see him.

Unless your hands are full?! I don't know though... that's sort of like saying "I'm not comfortable with you touching me, but I'm not going to stop you... I'll instead touch you back hoping that you won't like that and will therefore stop doing it to me". Some things don't warrant being called out on, but with this, seeing as it's not the first time, then I think it does. I wouldn't really mind if I viewed him as an equal. But sometimes with this guy I'll have to pick up the pieces for him on the job! So then this sort of behaviour, acting like he's the leader, rubs it in.

 

[ChrisXKiss]

I must also ask; what's the time limit in being able to call someone out on this sort of stuff. I've had a few things like this happen to me in the past, and feeling caught off guard in the moment, and then feeling that that moment is over. It might only be 20 seconds later, but I'll just feel like the moment is over. And it would be then later on in the day that I'd realise "oh, I could've have said at multiple points after that, but it's only now that I can't".

Interestingly, with touched me in questionable ways, there's two instances where I do remember that another time prior to that where the same individual touched me in a harmless way. So the first time it happened, my mind would've thought "oh that's not enough to hurt my ego" and disregarded it.

I’d say that in general the more immediately you respond the more effective it is. If some time passes I wouldn’t address it publicly, but you could always talk to the person in private about it. If he does it again though, you have to be ready to deal with it.

Also there is the possibility that some touches were indeed fine with you, and you felt weirded out by some others. That’s valid as well, maybe you are used to hugging your buddies but not slapping their faces, so you could accept the first one but not the second.

Unless your hands are full?! I don't know though... that's sort of like saying "I'm not comfortable with you touching me, but I'm not going to stop you... I'll instead touch you back hoping that you won't like that and will therefore stop doing it to me". Some things don't warrant being called out on, but with this, seeing as it's not the first time, then I think it does. I wouldn't really mind if I viewed him as an equal. But sometimes with this guy I'll have to pick up the pieces for him on the job! So then this sort of behaviour, acting like he's the leader, rubs it in.

You can always just take his hand off at that moment and tell him you don’t like getting touched like that. If he says why, we are just buddies, you stay firm and say you don’t like getting touched, it’s not for you, you are not a touchy person.

The thing is that it could come off as you putting too much emphasis on this move. That’s why doing what the other person is doing, but not in a reactive way, could establish a better relationship, without you having to bring the issue to the surface.

The last part sounds like he is taking advantage of you a bit work wise, and that’s something else to address. I don’t really have experience in the issue, but I remember there was an article on girls chase about office politics, colleagues undermining you or something similar.

 

[Dash of Englishness]

The last part sounds like he is taking advantage of you a bit work wise, and that’s something else to address. I don’t really have experience in the issue, but I remember there was an article on girls chase about office politics, colleagues undermining you or something similar.

I've no doubt there is! With those girlschase articles it seems as if every second sentence has a phrase highlighted encouraging you to read another related article. And you're thinking "should I read that article now first?" and then pick up where I left off in this one. It seems as if the bulk of those articles are about explaining basic concepts that most men are passed.

 

[Dash of Englishness]

This might be one way of dealing with unwelcome touching, as demonstrated by Obama here!