Did I overpursue/chase + can this be salvaged?

[LFAD12]

I got to chatting with this girl on facebook around october.
We exchanged long, open messages about ourselves, our lives, interests, etc.
Around december I tried asking her out, she said she was willing to think about and got back to me around NYE.
This meet up took place last friday.
On her picture, she looked pretty.

Now, last friday we met, she was drop-dead gorgeous.
I got nervous and self-conscious immediately, but I tried to remind myself just to enjoy the night and company.

We ended up getting drinks, walked around a little, played some chess (which contained some kind of banter, akd got her to open up, and smile, etc.), and afterwards I walked her home.

Now, here are some possible dealbreakers:

- I'm unemployed (looking for work though).

- During our first drink, we also had a talk about a voluntary workplace I recommended her.
I left the place due to some gossip a ex-narcissist friend's wife (who works there) spread about me.
Since she was looking to apply at the exact same place, she asked if it was a good idea to mention my name over there.
I told her not to, and elaborated about things going south between me and some people who work there, and she may hear some things about me that can cause prejudices.
I got the feeling she didn't fully trust me anymore.
Which is a shame, considering the fact that all the months of messaging prior, she always was open and honest + she seemed eager to hear my side of the story...

Afterwards we decided to look up another bar and play chess.
The chess game was fun and went well.
She opened up more, was laughing and seemed to enjoy herself.

At the end I walked her home.
She told me she enjoyed meeting me and confirmed that we do it again sometime.
I got a little bit emotional and told her I genuinely enjoyed meeting her and, while I tried doing it in the past with other people, our messaging just kinda happened.
I wonder if this makes me look desperate? (It's online friendship chatting btw, not with girls.)

She told me goodbye.
Do note that throughout the full evening I was nervous as hell and super self-conscious.
I don't date often, especially not women with these looks.
I was kinda needy, but all things considered, I can only be happy with how the night went.

We also promised to send each other some stuff through text.
The next day, she sent me her things.
I responded with mine (just some videos and applications) in the evening.

She didn't even read those texts anymore.

This triggered a lot anxiety and got me doubting myself and the whole evening...

A week later, I hit her up telling her I hope she's doing well, and asking if she's willing to meet up again in the future.
Read, but no response.

Now, I practically abandoned all hope and I figure this probably won't work out.
Wondering if it's a ghost or a test?

But I wanted to know, do you guys think I made some bad decisions about the way I talked about the voluntary work and telling her not to mention me?

Does the blurting out off it 'just happening' come off too strong?

I figured she intentionally didn't read my messages after the date, which got me doubting myself, hard.
It all faded when I texted her (8:30 AM) a week later, asking if she's okay and willing to go out again.

Does this action count as overpursuing?
Are you always done when you've overpursued?

I'm ready to cut her off, but I still wonder if just maybe my mistakes weren't that bad and there may be a chance of redemption.

 

[Skater]

You're probably cooked dude. Too needy. I get it, she's hot so it's hard to not be.
Solution? Hit up more and hotter women. Working on this myself; entitlement's a bitch to bootstrap.

Did you screw up with the "voluntary work" thing? Probably, but I think the problem is deeper.
You were chasing hard and it caused you to communicate it in a needy way, more likely than not.
If you didn't give a fuck about dumbass rumors and what she thought would you even feel it necessary to elaborate? Or care what she thought about the elaboration?
Would you play chess or would you escalate? (Not mutually exclusive, of course.)
Did you even try to touch her? Kiss? Pull?
Ultimately, was she aware you have a dick?

Pretend you're a girl as gorgeous as her:
Some guy chats to me on FB about life and feelings. Yay! New gay bestfriend!
He asks me out. Ugh, why do they always try to pull this shit?? Forget about him for a month.
NYE: see Chaddicus making out with that bitch Wendy. Fuck him. Gonna stand his ass up on Friday.
Oh no, I don't have anything to do Friday night! Cry for 3 minutes. Scroll through FB. I know! LFAD12 would drop anything to go out. Yay!
Friday: Aww poor guy he's so cute when he's this nervous. Cute as a kitten. Eww now's he's talking about some work drama. Weirdo.
End of night: Aww he's confessing his feelings! ... Fuck. Why can't I just meet a confident man??
I did promise him some text things and I am nice, so here you are chessboy. Wait, Chaddicus said he's sorry! Yaay!
Week later: Aww chessboy is hoping I'm well and trying to go out again. How precious!

Now this is obviously over-the-top satire (for which I apologize). However, "many a true word hath been spoken in jest."

Moreover, please don't be discouraged. If you keep at it, most girls will ditch Chaddicus without a second thought

All that being said, keep the line open. If she reaches back out, I'd be very glad to hear it.
I personally think it's tragic how often sincere, heart-rending confessions lead to what seems to be cold-hearted rejection of your value as a human.
But hey, evolution is amoral and certainly has no respect for "love."

Chin up, king.

 

[LFAD12]

You're probably cooked dude. Too needy. I get it, she's hot so it's hard to not be.
Solution? Hit up more and hotter women. Working on this myself; entitlement's a bitch to bootstrap.

Did you screw up with the "voluntary work" thing? Probably, but I think the problem is deeper.
You were chasing hard and it caused you to communicate it in a needy way, more likely than not.
If you didn't give a fuck about dumbass rumors and what she thought would you even feel it necessary to elaborate? Or care what she thought about the elaboration?
Would you play chess or would you escalate? (Not mutually exclusive, of course.)
Did you even try to touch her? Kiss? Pull?
Ultimately, was she aware you have a dick?

Pretend you're a girl as gorgeous as her:
Some guy chats to me on FB about life and feelings. Yay! New gay bestfriend!
He asks me out. Ugh, why do they always try to pull this shit?? Forget about him for a month.
NYE: see Chaddicus making out with that bitch Wendy. Fuck him. Gonna stand his ass up on Friday.
Oh no, I don't have anything to do Friday night! Cry for 3 minutes. Scroll through FB. I know! LFAD12 would drop anything to go out. Yay!
Friday: Aww poor guy he's so cute when he's this nervous. Cute as a kitten. Eww now's he's talking about some work drama. Weirdo.
End of night: Aww he's confessing his feelings! ... Fuck. Why can't I just meet a confident man??
I did promise him some text things and I am nice, so here you are chessboy. Wait, Chaddicus said he's sorry! Yaay!
Week later: Aww chessboy is hoping I'm well and trying to go out again. How precious!

Now this is obviously over-the-top satire (for which I apologize). However, "many a true word hath been spoken in jest."

Moreover, please don't be discouraged. If you keep at it, most girls will ditch Chaddicus without a second thought

All that being said, keep the line open. If she reaches back out, I'd be very glad to hear it.
I personally think it's tragic how often sincere, heart-rending confessions lead to what seems to be cold-hearted rejection of your value as a human.
But hey, evolution is amoral and certainly has no respect for "love."

Chin up, king.

Lol, thanks for the satire.
Sure puts things in perspective.

We'll see if she reaches out (I'll hit you up), but I think it's best to chalk this one up.

Thanks brother.

 

[Bill]

There are ways to revive dead numbers, sometimes if they still follow your social media if you post DHVs you can try again after a period of time with renewed interest.
Though it sounds like beyond feeling needy / nervous you didn’t move it forward at all.

 

[LFAD12]

You're probably cooked dude. Too needy. I get it, she's hot so it's hard to not be.
Solution? Hit up more and hotter women. Working on this myself; entitlement's a bitch to bootstrap.

Did you screw up with the "voluntary work" thing? Probably, but I think the problem is deeper.
You were chasing hard and it caused you to communicate it in a needy way, more likely than not.
If you didn't give a fuck about dumbass rumors and what she thought would you even feel it necessary to elaborate? Or care what she thought about the elaboration?
Would you play chess or would you escalate? (Not mutually exclusive, of course.)
Did you even try to touch her? Kiss? Pull?
Ultimately, was she aware you have a dick?

Pretend you're a girl as gorgeous as her:
Some guy chats to me on FB about life and feelings. Yay! New gay bestfriend!
He asks me out. Ugh, why do they always try to pull this shit?? Forget about him for a month.
NYE: see Chaddicus making out with that bitch Wendy. Fuck him. Gonna stand his ass up on Friday.
Oh no, I don't have anything to do Friday night! Cry for 3 minutes. Scroll through FB. I know! LFAD12 would drop anything to go out. Yay!
Friday: Aww poor guy he's so cute when he's this nervous. Cute as a kitten. Eww now's he's talking about some work drama. Weirdo.
End of night: Aww he's confessing his feelings! ... Fuck. Why can't I just meet a confident man??
I did promise him some text things and I am nice, so here you are chessboy. Wait, Chaddicus said he's sorry! Yaay!
Week later: Aww chessboy is hoping I'm well and trying to go out again. How precious!

Now this is obviously over-the-top satire (for which I apologize). However, "many a true word hath been spoken in jest."

Moreover, please don't be discouraged. If you keep at it, most girls will ditch Chaddicus without a second thought

All that being said, keep the line open. If she reaches back out, I'd be very glad to hear it.
I personally think it's tragic how often sincere, heart-rending confessions lead to what seems to be cold-hearted rejection of your value as a human.
But hey, evolution is amoral and certainly has no respect for "love."

Chin up, king.

So, she did reach back out, after 16 days.

Saying she's been sick multiple times since our last meeting and still is.
She appreciates the offer, but wants to focus on her health and keep calm for the time being.
(She did have some major health issues the past months.)

At the end of the message asked me how my search for a job is going.

Should I consider this a rejection?

I've tried to give myself some closure the past weeks, and obviously we won't be meeting anytime soon.

I've thought about hitting her up, wish her well and tell her to contact me when she's better.

But on the other hand, I'm like, why even bother.
If it took her that long to reach out to me just to decline my invitation, without any prospects of wanting to see me again, I figure she ain't all that interested.

Deep down, I don't even feel like replying anymore, but I'm wondering if that would make me an asshole?

 

[alexlaguma]

Hey bro. Its a shame not many others from the forum chipped in here to give you advice.

That being said, the advice you got from @Skater was spot on.

I wouldn't bother focusing too much on the specifics of what you said (like the volunteering thing). The fact is you were massively invested in things going well with this girl, and you felt she was too good for you. That stuff is sub-communicated in so many ways, and if you felt it, she definitely felt it.

That is nothing to be embarrassed about, its something many of us (including myself) have struggled with. Even now its something I have to battle with, and I've been with 100+ women. Occassionally a girl comes through that I think has long-term potential, and guess what, I start sub-communicating that and they tend to run a mile.

The best thing to do, as skater says, is focus on volume at this point. You need to speak to tonnes of girls, and just focus on getting better at the process. The results will then take care of themselves.

If you need some structure to this, I would recommend Chase' approach 4 girls a day for a month challenge. I haven't done it, but it seems like it has changed some peoples lives.

Also, on your final post about her coming back after 16 days. Yeh shes not interested in anything romantic. I would probably just do what you suggested, wish her well and say hit me up when you're better. leave it there, no chasing.

 

[Skater]

Deep down, I don't even feel like replying anymore, but I'm wondering if that would make me an asshole?

My approach to these situations is to not ghost out of apathy or maybe subconscious revenge. She even asked you a question @LFAD12, so yes, under common courtesy not responding would make you an asshole. Again, reverse the roles and consider, how would you feel if you asked a question and she didn't reply? Of course this isn't a perfect analogy given the value dynamics at play, but I'm sure you get the point.

Yeh shes not interested in anything romantic. I would probably just do what you suggested, wish her well and say hit me up when you're better. leave it there, no chasing.

Yes, at the moment she is probably not. However, I'd consider asking her to hit you up to be chasing. It's effective when there's investment on her side in you, but in this situation, all it gets you is a dead line which you can't even use without the risk of further chasing.

Rather, what I recommend is replying normally, as if to a friend asking about your job search. Then, if you still want to pursue her, over the course of the next weeks and months, periodically and sporadically text her value-offering things that mostly require no response (e.g. memes with some inside reference). I've heard this referred to as "pinging value into the void" or "building social capital." The idea is you slowly dissociate yourself from your needy image until some opportunity to meet "magically" appears and it's "natural" to do so. This is definitely not a guarantee for future anythings however, so consider if you want to use your time like this.

You're never really done unless you want to be. However, perhaps a more productive use of temporal and mental resources would be, as Alex put it above, levelling up your process. That said, the two aren't mutually exclusive, provided you're not abjectly pining over this girl and counting the seconds till her next response.

 

[LFAD12]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

After giving it some time, I sent her a thoughtful message saying I hope she'll get well, and to let me know when she feels better and up to meet.
Brief response to her question.
That's it.

No more texting from now on, no more chasing, no more doubting myself, no more fear of loss, nothing.

Whatever is going in in her life right now, she simply can't invest at the moment.

I get the idea of periodically and sporadically texting her, but it would probably keep my hopes up and reinforce the needy mindstate - crippling my ability to be with other women.
Plus, I'm tired of investing too much time and energy in trying to win over women with low to (almost) no interest, especially through text.

As for now, given the nature of my last message, it's easier to let go and start focusing on other things.