Didn't get a date

[Samson84]

Hi, some updates on this.

Seppuku I unfortunately didn't see your last reply until just now! What you say makes sense and I realize I need more experience. For some reason my smv seems much higher in the USA than here in the uk.

There are women I could date here but it seems that they are either too keen or stone cold towards me lol. Neither seems like much of an experience.

Anyway what happened was that after returning to the uk, this woman who I talked to once in the gym for just a few minutes continued to text me. We had a couple of brief interactions which she initiated. Then last week she reached out and I decided to try and connect a bit with her since it was the only channel that was open. We talked over text for an hour and she seemed to open up to me somewhat in that time.

Then I went back to work and I thought I may text her in a week if I don't hear from her before. And today she contacted me again and I decided to ask again .. I don't know if this was a mistake but it seemed like she was putting herself in my path. I also read Chase's article How To Ask For A Date and that was great! Keep it casual, no big deal.

So I replied to her message and then just said, "hey what's your schedule like later this month? Let's get some food or drink next time I'm over."

She replied saying, you seem a nice and interesting guy, but I am dating someone atm and idk if I would feel comfortable getting dinner with you.

I don't know whether this "nice" equates to 'nice guy' or not. But it seemed to me that it wasn't a yes and not quite a no, but maybe a gentle no. And maybe that's kinda predictable bc she already said no to me once. But if she is happy with her guy why is she spending an hour of the day texting some random British guy she met for five minutes? Seems kinda mixed messages to me.

But anyway I didn't get butt hurt or make a big deal, I just replied, "Well I just wouldn't want you to miss out on getting to know me So let me know if you change your mind!"

Again I was attempting to follow Chase's article here but now I look at it it seems kinda weak maybe.

She's actually a pretty interesting person and I'm not crazy in love with her or anything so if dating genuinely isn't on the table I actually would like to become friends. But dating would be preferable!

Any thoughts on decrypting this interaction are appreciated, gentlemen.

Seppuku, in terms of gaining experience, would you suggest I start with the newbie assignment, or are there some tinder/bumble starting points too?

Many thanks. Although I'm not gaining experience quickly, I've been through a helluva lot lately and I am least doing pretty well in myself right now and have my shit together.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey,

Anyway what happened was that after returning to the uk, this woman who I talked to once in the gym for just a few minutes continued to text me. We had a couple of brief interactions which she initiated. Then last week she reached out and I decided to try and connect a bit with her since it was the only channel that was open. We talked over text for an hour and she seemed to open up to me somewhat in that time.

So you see that we did read your situation accurately: she is not available to date you, but wants to keep the link with you. Reading this kind of situation is not that hard with a little experience.

She replied saying, you seem a nice and interesting guy, but I am dating someone atm and idk if I would feel comfortable getting dinner with you.

I don't know whether this "nice" equates to 'nice guy' or not. But it seemed to me that it wasn't a yes and not quite a no, but maybe a gentle no. And maybe that's kinda predictable bc she already said no to me once. But if she is happy with her guy why is she spending an hour of the day texting some random British guy she met for five minutes? Seems kinda mixed messages to me.

Nope. If a girl thinks you're this sort of "nice guy" she would say something like you're "such a good friend", or she "doesn't view you this way". I've been told "nice" and even "romantic" (lol) by girls that I shagged within two hours of meeting ever. I'm certainly not this sort of "nice guy".

And it is not a mixed message. It is a very clear message. Translated from womanese into plain English: "I am not available to date you at the moment". Because she's a nice person and want to manage your feelings, she adds some mitigating words "idk if I would feel comfortable [...]". But she keeps chatting you because she wants to keep the communication going.

But anyway I didn't get butt hurt or make a big deal, I just replied, "Well I just wouldn't want you to miss out on getting to know me So let me know if you change your mind!"

Very good to remain light and "no big deal". Good answer, but I would have omitted the "let me know if you change your mind". You have made your point that you want to date her. She heard you loud and clear. No need to continue insisting when she just told you she's not available - that's uncalibrated.

Consider now that the ball is clearly and firmly in her camp. It's for her to give you a hint to resume courtship (and maybe she will, or maybe never). In the meantime, you should keep a light, informal chatting with her. Be sexy and use tension.

Seppuku, in terms of gaining experience, would you suggest I start with the newbie assignment, or are there some tinder/bumble starting points too?

Whatever you need to do to get more and more dates. The newbie assignment is clearly oriented towards cold approach, see if this is the way for you. The alternative is online dating.

Seppuku

 

[Regal Tiger]

Basically everything that Seppuku said.

One thing that I'd like to add though is that you will have better interactions in the US than in the UK. It's because you're a foreigner and therefore more exotic here in the US rather than in the UK where you're more normal. If I, a US citizen, were to go to the UK I'd likely clean up 10x more doing everything else the same I do here in the States.

I've even noticed some bumps in attraction when I move around within the States.

 

[Samson84]

Thanks for the input. After what I said I got the reply "Haha great ;p Ok...."
I change the subject but no reply now or any further contact.

Could I have repulsed her or made her that uncomfortable? Or come off as a creepy stalker? Or an arrogant twat? I'm annoyed with myself for not just going with the flow, I thought I had to "do something". Now I might have lost someone who could have become a friend or at least a great acquaintance and contact in another circle.

Can bring "uncalibrated" immediately change perception to this extent?

I've felt really down today about continually tucking up like this.

 

[Seppuku]

Keep in mind that she's with someone else, and for now your chances are very low. Here, you're in for a long game that may never lead to anything. What you want is to keep a casual link going. So just relax! And de-invest yourself emotionally, one or two notches lower.

You stay silent for now, give her time to come back, and focus on some other girls in the meantime. You want a girl who's interested AND available.

For this one, if she's not back after a week or two, you re-engage casually. "Hey!"

 

[Regal Tiger]

Thanks for the input. After what I said I got the reply "Haha great ;p Ok...."
I change the subject but no reply now or any further contact.

Could I have repulsed her or made her that uncomfortable? Or come off as a creepy stalker? Or an arrogant twat? I'm annoyed with myself for not just going with the flow, I thought I had to "do something". Now I might have lost someone who could have become a friend or at least a great acquaintance and contact in another circle.

Can bring "uncalibrated" immediately change perception to this extent?

I've felt really down today about continually tucking up like this.

Yes, being uncalibrated will obliterate your chances. But keep in mind that you haven't fucked up that monumentally. What you've done is a minor faux pas at worse. Nothing warranting creeper status, not even close. It's okay to look at your mistake and know that you messed up here, but it's nothing in the grand scheme of things. A speed bump in the road.

I thought I had to "do something"

That's a huge reason why it takes a little bit of time to get good with women, in my opinion. All of the movies have the guy doing some grand gesture and getting the girl. Friends tell you the same shit, family tells you the same shit, society tells you the same shit. Everybody is shoveling shit around about how us men have to do something to get the ladies.

While this advice isn't technically wrong, because as men we do have to do something, it's still very hurtful advice.

Us men just have to lead without forcing anything. We give the option and women will follow it or they won't.

Most won't.

Even for GirlsChase authors, who are amazing with women, MOST WOMEN WILL NOT FOLLOW EVEN THEM!

Sure, they have it a lot easier with getting women to follow them (because they've put in a lot of time to get good) but most will still not follow them. No matter what they do this will not change. They can get a lot, by normal standards, but not most.

And that leads into what our second job as men is; to find women who will follow us.

Other than working on yo sexy ass, those are the only two things you need to worry about right now in my opinion.

So the cliche advice here applies; go meet more women. And read this post by Chase that will explain why this advice is so accurate:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/cant- ... more-girls


As for this specific gal, Seppuku gave great advice. Give it a week or two and then re-engage in another conversation.

 

[Samson84]

Ok, it makes sense! Thank you both.

Here is a follow up question then, which applies romantically and to some extent platonically too...

It sucks trying to get to know someone over text. It's time asynchronous, it's expression limited and devoid of body language. I'm sure that if I remain a chat buddy at someone's convenience like this imma be friendzoned fast. If someone is distant or they don't want to go on a date, how do you get around that?

Would it make sense to suggest a skype call? Or would this be seen as intense? I appreciate these data points, it helps me to calibrate.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey Samson,

If you meet a girl online, you will use a minimum of texting in order to build some rapport. But your goal will be to push for a date a.s.a.p. You want to avoid the chat trap! Some girls will just love to chat endlessly. If you let yourself trapped here, you will never meet her. So... push for a date as soon as you get some rapport.

Now, if it's about keeping a link alive (like with this girl), or if she is far, you will need to keep some back and forth going. Here are a few guidelines (rather than hard rules) for this.

Be aware that it is very difficult to keep a high intensity chat (e.g. 1 hr+ per day) over the long term. The flame that burns brightest, lives shortest. Some occasional exchange once in a while is usually more sustainable over several months. Also you want to keep an unpredictable pattern and avoid a routine (e.g. like every evening). It creates expectations, and if one day you're busy and not available for the routine chat, you'll get some drama. I once had a girlfriend who came to expect a two hours video call every evening... Nightmare! Means I couldn't do anything else of my evenings. It became a huge drama and I was finally obliged to cut. The problem was that I let her develop this expectation. The guy needs to lead at all times!

Experience and see for yourself!

Seppuku

 

[Samson84]

So with the back and forth...

Do you make yourself available to chat once in a while when she comes online and replies or reaches out? Because otherwise you send each other one message and then the other person reads it 4 hrs later when they have time and it's hard to build rapport.

On the other hand too much availability kills attraction.

So how so you synchronize without being over available?

Hope it's not a dumb question. I'm learning a lot here!

 

[Seppuku]

First case (building rapport in order to ask for a date), I usually make myself available for the chat when she replies, in order to build rapport. No 4hrs waiting between replies, for the reason you mention.

Second case (keeping a link alive) it's OK to have more scarce replies - see the caveats in the guidelines I mentioned above.

 

[Regal Tiger]

Hey Samson, I recently had something like this happen where I couldn't see the girl for well over a month. This article was a godsend:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/tacti ... stead-text

As for replying to texts, I treated it the same as any other girl. Sometimes I'd reply right away and other times I'd wait an hour or longer. But I did like the advice of calling about once a week or so in the article above, just don't let the first few calls go for too long.

As for reaching out and starting conversations, I'd aim for about once a week or so. Other times she would send me a meme and sometimes I would ignore it, sometimes I'd make an lol comment and other times I would actually try to initiate a conversation out of it.

 

[Samson84]

Great advice thanks.

So with the girl mentioned above, I asked her to get food/drink and she said that she wants to chat more with me cos I seem nice and interesting but she is dating someone atm so not sure about dinner.

So would it now be "uncalibrated" for me to ask her for her phone number so we can chat easier? Like maybe in a week or two? Right now the only way I have to contact her is instagram messaging.

 

[Regal Tiger]

Great advice thanks.

So with the girl mentioned above, I asked her to get food/drink and she said that she wants to chat more with me cos I seem nice and interesting but she is dating someone atm so not sure about dinner.

So would it now be "uncalibrated" for me to ask her for her phone number so we can chat easier? Like maybe in a week or two? Right now the only way I have to contact her is instagram messaging.

I'd let the phone number go for now. When you come back later you can say that you can't text (maybe you're about to go for a drive or something) so a phone call would be easier and then exchange numbers.

 

[Samson84]

Seppuku, in an earlier reply you have said, "Be sexy and use tension."

Would you mind expanding on that? I am expecting that once again there is a balance, and a data point or two would be very helpful.

 

[Seppuku]

Samson,

"Be sexy and use tension", I meant it essentially when you are face to face with women, but you can still use a sexy comment or two when you text - like sexual innuendos. It's fun and frames you as sexual, and prepares the way for the date.

About being sexy and using tension face to face, the best is that you take a look to this article from Chase: Sexual Tension: 7 ways to make women excited and randy. I just can't say it better than that.
These are the seven bullet points in a nutshell:

Remain calm in tense situations,
Don't spill your beans,
Use strong eye contact,
Keep talk to a minimum,
Employ the power of suggestion,
Use touch well, and
Keep her "guessing"

but frankly the best is to read the article. Also make sure you read the article "making girls laugh means nothing" from Ricardus (that I linked in this thread before).

Other advices:
* learn to control your body language. It's a big part of the "keep her guessing". You don't want to be given away by your body language.
* learn to touch during dates. This is a big one to get her excited, and even horny.
* search in Chase's articles about the sexy "half smile", and start implementing it
* search for articles about push-pull. One push pull technique I like for myself is a body language push pull: first you have a body language "into her" (leaning towards her, touching her...) then suddenly (but subtly) you break physical rapport, stop touching her, and lean away. And watch her come back to you

Seppuku

 

[dcman]

Hi Samson,
A friend of mine was in a similar situation .

So with the girl mentioned above, I asked her to get food/drink and she said that she wants to chat more with me cos I seem nice and interesting but she is dating someone atm so not sure about dinner.

I helped him draft a reply on these lines " hola seniorita , I wanted to see if you can introduce me to the girls that performed along with you (naughty smile) last week . You know I like girls with a good voice jaja . " The girl was a english/spanish bilingual speaker and performed in soccer stadiums. After seeing the message and a few exchanges she was able to make herself free to meet my friend the next day . Besides conveying confidence and humor, it conveyed my friend does not value her high enough to chase. It was a put down of sorts for her and was not something she expected. I believe you have already interacted in person at your gym so not seeing a need to spend time building rapport in texting. Try to see if you can convey that you are a man with options and does not have time or need for texting. You know the girl try to see what would work better based on your reading.

Make the whole interaction process relaxing and fun for you that should ease up things . Good luck mate

 

[Samson84]

Gold dust! Thank you both and I will read up on the linked articles. It definitely helps to gain some confidence in what I am doing.

Update: although it feels like I am feeling my way in the dark with this one situation, I am clearly doing something right as she is now saying to me she loves how I tall about myself and nothing is more sexy to her than a smart brain on a hot body! So unless she is toying with me, I've made some kind of impact.

Meanwhile I revised my profile on Tinder and Bumble and I'm getting a lot more matches now.

 

[Seppuku]

Yes, it seems you did a few things right. For starters, she's also likely to prefer muscular men for a physical type. That would be you I guess! There are not necessarily millions of them available at hand.

So... I would avoid mentioning a date for now, just keep this conversation going, try to keep it sexy and light... Let her guess if you like her or not.

And next time you go to the US, drop her a message "Hey, I'm around in town... Let's get a coffee if you have time".

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy!

Seppuku
PS. And of course, like in the stock market you diversify your basket of securities Good for outcome independence.

 

[Sonny]

it seems she is not attracted to you and she doesnt see you as a fuck material, maybe bcs you didnt build enough attraction in her, she knows her value (like other fitness chicks).