- Joined
- Feb 15, 2025
- Messages
- 5
I’ve hit my absolute breaking point with approach anxiety. I’ve been stuck in this cycle for years. I’ve watched people around me grow socially, date, and build relationships — while I’ve paced campuses, malls, bars, and streets for hours at a time, unable to open my mouth to say one simple word to a woman.
And it’s not because I don’t want it. I do. I want it so badly it’s suffocating me. I’m 22. I'm told I’m really handsome, dress well, have an athletic build, and have great friends. I can also be quite charming and flirtatious with women — when I can get myself to open. But opening is the hardest thing for me. I also have a well-rounded life — I’m doing well academically, with a strong career trajectory, and I have cool hobbies like handgliding, social dancing, mountain climbing, and skiing. I go social dancing and approach women all the time on the dance floor, but it hasn’t carried over — I still get stuck in my head in real-world social settings.
I’ve accomplished a lot in other areas of life — I’m disciplined, driven, and have held leadership roles. But socially — especially with women — I’ve carried this massive, invisible weight since middle school.
**What I’ve Tried (and Failed):**
- Dating apps, social circle, going out at night — none of it worked, I just keep getting in my head.
- I've tried the newbie challenge and kept failing
- Motivational routines – Affirmations, journaling, visualizations, music, meditation, breathing exercises. Nothing moved the needle.
- Progressive exposure – Eye contact drills, asking for the time, giving compliments to strangers. I kept hitting a wall. The fear would shut me down every time.
- Consequences – I’ve locked myself out of my room for days, given away $100 for failing, had my parents withhold support, even asked them not to pay rent or credit cards. Still froze.
- Social pressure – I’ve had friends, even my dad, walk with me and say “just one.” I walked for 10+ hours straight and still couldn’t speak.
- Alcohol – Got drunk. Still froze. My subconscious shut everything down.
- Past success didn’t carry over – On rare occasions I forced an approach, felt good for a few hours, then crashed back into paralysis the next day.
- one really weird thing is that once I got myself to approach a girl (wasn't too attracted to her) but she was super happy, gave me her number, and agreed to a date ( but i waited too long to text her and she ghosted) ...but even after I got her number that day, I couldn't get myself to approach again for the whole day.
**What I've Realized:**
- I’m not afraid of rejection. I’m stuck in a hardwired survival response.
- I walk past girl after girl — even when they clearly give signs. For months, I’ve walked miles across campus avoiding action. And on the rare day I do manage one approach, I can’t do it again the next day.
- I can endure pain, stress, intense pressure, and lead others — but when it comes to saying “hi” to a woman, my brain flips into fight/flight/freeze mode, and freeze wins every time.
- This isn’t something I can fix with more effort or self-discipline. It’s a neurological pattern that needs to be physically broken.
**What I Need Now:**
something to break this loop with me in real time. not more advice or theory, I just want to consistently approach without quitting, freezing, or mentally collapsing. That’s it.
I’m about to graduate college without ever having even held hands with a girl. I’m about to be sent off into the middle of nowhere in a career im in (military) and I won’t have access to women or dating practice like I do now at a large state school. This is my last window to fix this.
One more note: I cannot go through psychiatry or formal therapy or else I’ll lose my medical qualification for the my career — even if I go once without a diagnosis. So that path is closed for me.
If you can help, or know someone who can, I’m ready to take action immediately.
And it’s not because I don’t want it. I do. I want it so badly it’s suffocating me. I’m 22. I'm told I’m really handsome, dress well, have an athletic build, and have great friends. I can also be quite charming and flirtatious with women — when I can get myself to open. But opening is the hardest thing for me. I also have a well-rounded life — I’m doing well academically, with a strong career trajectory, and I have cool hobbies like handgliding, social dancing, mountain climbing, and skiing. I go social dancing and approach women all the time on the dance floor, but it hasn’t carried over — I still get stuck in my head in real-world social settings.
I’ve accomplished a lot in other areas of life — I’m disciplined, driven, and have held leadership roles. But socially — especially with women — I’ve carried this massive, invisible weight since middle school.
**What I’ve Tried (and Failed):**
- Dating apps, social circle, going out at night — none of it worked, I just keep getting in my head.
- I've tried the newbie challenge and kept failing
- Motivational routines – Affirmations, journaling, visualizations, music, meditation, breathing exercises. Nothing moved the needle.
- Progressive exposure – Eye contact drills, asking for the time, giving compliments to strangers. I kept hitting a wall. The fear would shut me down every time.
- Consequences – I’ve locked myself out of my room for days, given away $100 for failing, had my parents withhold support, even asked them not to pay rent or credit cards. Still froze.
- Social pressure – I’ve had friends, even my dad, walk with me and say “just one.” I walked for 10+ hours straight and still couldn’t speak.
- Alcohol – Got drunk. Still froze. My subconscious shut everything down.
- Past success didn’t carry over – On rare occasions I forced an approach, felt good for a few hours, then crashed back into paralysis the next day.
- one really weird thing is that once I got myself to approach a girl (wasn't too attracted to her) but she was super happy, gave me her number, and agreed to a date ( but i waited too long to text her and she ghosted) ...but even after I got her number that day, I couldn't get myself to approach again for the whole day.
**What I've Realized:**
- I’m not afraid of rejection. I’m stuck in a hardwired survival response.
- I walk past girl after girl — even when they clearly give signs. For months, I’ve walked miles across campus avoiding action. And on the rare day I do manage one approach, I can’t do it again the next day.
- I can endure pain, stress, intense pressure, and lead others — but when it comes to saying “hi” to a woman, my brain flips into fight/flight/freeze mode, and freeze wins every time.
- This isn’t something I can fix with more effort or self-discipline. It’s a neurological pattern that needs to be physically broken.
**What I Need Now:**
something to break this loop with me in real time. not more advice or theory, I just want to consistently approach without quitting, freezing, or mentally collapsing. That’s it.
I’m about to graduate college without ever having even held hands with a girl. I’m about to be sent off into the middle of nowhere in a career im in (military) and I won’t have access to women or dating practice like I do now at a large state school. This is my last window to fix this.
One more note: I cannot go through psychiatry or formal therapy or else I’ll lose my medical qualification for the my career — even if I go once without a diagnosis. So that path is closed for me.
If you can help, or know someone who can, I’m ready to take action immediately.
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