Does one ever "master" getting over breakups/heartbreaks?

[ElChe]

Hey guys,

I had this thought today that I REALLY don't like the after-effect of breakups/heartbreaks.

I guess maybe I'm too emotional or my self-esteem needs to be stronger but in the past, it's taken me months, and in one instance years to get over a girl who I was in love with.

The problem is not necessarily that if effects my ability to do work/accomplish things or get girls. Nah... even if in the moment it feels like my productivity is fucked when I look back I'm like "what the heck? I did a lot of cool shit even though I was suffering from thoughts of that girl".

(Although, recently a bad moment has really fucked with my work and that annoys me so much)

But that emotional pain just freaking sucks and I don't ever wanna go through that shit again if it's gonna take months(!!).

From what I understand, there are two ways to speed up the process:

1. Get better at processing and accepting emotions (facing the triggers/thoughts/memories of her that bring up pain or desire, and pulling the focus away from her and more onto yourself)
2. Get really good at meeting other women-- because being around them and sleeping with them again reminds you of your awesomeness and also I guess gives perspective

Is there more to know? I know Skills had a guide (I'ma check that out).

But what I really wanna know is-- is there a point where the whole process of letting a woman go/letting go of a relationship just goes super smoothly (and quickly) and there's no more lameness?

How much seduction skill is required to get to that point?

I think I'm particularly bad at letting a woman go and it really sucks and I hate it lol. Something's gotta change

 

[gameboy]

Having the same issue! Last time it also took me years to get over, and I don't want to go through that again.

So I'm definitely interested if anyone has a solution...

 

[TwoNameGame]

But what I really wanna know is-- is there a point where the whole process of letting a woman go/letting go of a relationship just goes super smoothly (and quickly) and there's no more lameness?

The solution for me is to reframe how you look back the relationship, then transition to an abundance mentality.

Assuming it wasn't particularly messy, you can part on good terms. Then, remember the good memories, and remind yourself that you did something few men can: cold approach. You are a G, sos un capo.

Train yourself to see the fun parts first and foremost, and how you did this once, so you can do this again. Remember, another girl is just around the corner. You did this once, you can totally meet another woman who is also positive in an original way you didn't envision.

If you like humor, then consider the absurdity of your situation: you met some random woman who you had no business talking to, had an amazing time, now you're upset at something spontaneous that led to an unexpectedly good time, and soon you'll repeat the process again because you can. But for now, you're talking to a community of problem solvers who society says is doing everything wrong, yet you know share a common situation probably no one else you know could imagine. Later, you'll see a westerner deny your experience could have happened because "women don't like being approached by scummy PUAs". How many guys have this many options, and how many times does this happen to us vs most guys?

Spoiler: My case

Just last night, I broke it off with a girl I intended to make a girlfriend. The feeling was mutual. We have tons in common and if I hesitated to say something, she would say it first. We had a fun date where we made lots of stuff together. But she was going to be too busy next semester for a relationship.

I felt sad deep inside, but I couldn't put my finger on it. A lump began to form in my throat, but it didn't do anything until I began to acknowledge it.

I talked about it reminiscing about the good parts and the little things she did. Then I revealed that it was all the result of a cold approach, which was pretty absurd. Then I talk about the coincidences and silly things that went into my approach (chase framing, qualifying her, putting some effort into making it seem off-the cuff despite being practiced) and the fact that this RANDOM GIRL on a completely different path had so much in common. Thus random girl from a chance encounter made me feel bad? Valid, but pretty crazy. My non-PUA friends thought I was crazy for trying and dumbfounded by the result and what I told them about her.

I started to laugh and feel proud of myself. And now, I'll do it all over again the next time a girl catches my eye again. I'm one step closer to true outcomes independence.

 

[orkie123]

The only true cure I've found for myself is to find a girl who I like even more. Abundance mindset helps but since I broke up with my ex 2 years ago, I've slept with girls who were much hotter, better at sex, more fun, but always something was missing that meant I still miss the idea of my ex.

But thats just it. Ex's become an idea of perfection for you that overlooks all their flaws. Hence, its only when you find a girl who is even better, do you figure out that she wasnt perfect at all.

Luckily for me, heartbreaks have little negative impact on my productivity but I still cant stop comparing other girls to her and struggling to form as deep connections as I have become less vulnerable and open.

 

[Skills]

Well, after many you get hardened... But if you are a normal human being is going to hurt.... There are some ways to minimize the pain such as start detaching on relationships downward momentum, have girls on standby, doing the break up etc...But for most you will feel some pain if you really love the girl and you were with her for considerable amount of time...

 

[ElChe]

Hmm
I think, actually I'm not seeking the solution to the pain itself, but something else.

The pain is whatever (annoying if it affects work) but I really dislike having my thoughts and experiences "tainted" by a girl, you know? Like if I think about a certain period of my life, I wanna remember the fun times and my friends-- not the girl I was in love with at the time.

Idk.
Maybe it is about focusing less on the pain and more on creating happy times with other women and friends

 

[gameboy]

I really dislike having my thoughts and experiences "tainted" by a girl, you know?

I don't think of it as being "tainted".

My life has different epochs, at one time I lived in X city, than later in Y city, and so on. And just as well, for some time I was with girl A, then I was single for a while, then with girl B...

Each girl had good and bad qualities, just as the cities I lived in had things I liked and others I didn't.

I think it's normal. At least I know of many people who tend to "compartmentalize" their lives in that way.

 

[Will_V]

The pain is whatever (annoying if it affects work) but I really dislike having my thoughts and experiences "tainted" by a girl, you know? Like if I think about a certain period of my life, I wanna remember the fun times and my friends-- not the girl I was in love with at the time.

That's an interesting way to put it - are you trying to forget her and you're unable to?

Psychologically I think trying to forget experiences is very bad for you (and pretty much impossible anyway, unless you want to try to wash it away every day with alcohol or something like that, but that's bad for all sorts of obvious reasons).

The mind creates its identity through the structure that appears out of the sequence of experiences of your life - you know who you are because of what happened in the world because of you, not because of what you tell yourself or what someone else tells you about who you are. To have a part of that missing is like pulling one out from a house of cards, it makes the whole thing fragile and disfunctional. People who try to run away from their past never make any headway, because no one can run from themselves.

My approach to painful situations, which works very well for me, is to get as close as possible to them, to be present with them. That's how they become real, and something real is something that can be dealt with. So long as I stay calm and keep my emotional equilibrium, which is achievable with practice, painful situations have always ended up working themselves out and fading away, becoming monuments or signposts in my life, things I even enjoy thinking about.

Just like with a girlfriend who's getting under your skin and your emotions are getting out of control, you simply have to chill the fuck out, look around, and dominate the situation calmly and rationally, and she'll go from being this little monster to just a normal silly girl who can't actually do anything to you. It's the same way with painful memories of any kind. All of it has the grip on you through your emotions, and by dominating your emotions you free yourself from them.

Running away from something teaches your emotions to be afraid of it, but moving toward it, seeing it clearly, and dominating it teaches your emotions that reality is never too much to handle.