Drops "I'm seeing another guy / Let's be friends"

[SeattleMan12]

I've been seeing this girl for about 3 months, and she's great. She seems very different than most girls - I think she is confused and doesn't know what she wants - back story is she is extremely shy and has anxiety, etc. We get along really really well, and she lives in Boston and I live in NY. I've been going to Boston every weekend and we spend the weekend together and go out and make out, hold hands, etc. She came to NY once to visit me. We haven't had sex, mainly because we usually don't stay over since she has a curfew (much younger). When she came to visit me in NY - I didn't want to have sex because she was drunk but we made out, cuddled, etc. We talk every day as well, and she sends me movies and pictures and notes, etc... It's really sweet. However she recently dropped on my that she is also seeing another guy and they both had intercourse, and now the guy doesn't want to her to see me and she just wants to be friends. After talking she says she will still play it out, but then she changed her mind again and just wants to be friends. Says this after we made plans for future weekends and I bought her flight to visit me (as a surprise gift). She tends to change her mind a lot. I have a strong urge to go down and express my feelings and ask her to decide. Ultimate goal is to win her back (either now or later), since I think we are a perfect match, but she is actually not sure what she wants. She mentioned i am way nicer and treat her better and even her friends say she should go with me, but the other guy is more aggressive. After dropping that we should be friends, she writes she misses being with me. I have flights in three days to visit her - should I go and confront her or what's the best way to win her back with some self respect

 

[Franco]

How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll Ever Need

- Franco

 

[normajean106]

I would just move on. Franco nailed it with the link he posted.

 

[SeattleMan12]

Thanks for the advice. If I want to give it one last shot since i think she's worth it - and we weren't in a committed relationship before (so I don't blame her for seeing other guys) - is there any advice? since walking away now would be the same end result as trying and getting the other guy chosen.

 

[normajean106]

Thanks for the advice. If I want to give it one last shot since i think she's worth it - and we weren't in a committed relationship before (so I don't blame her for seeing other guys) - is there any advice? since walking away now would be the same end result as trying and getting the other guy chosen.

I'll be honest with you, there's a very slim chance of you actually hooking up with her, and there are so many reasons why you shouldn't (for your benefit). But, I can't help but root for you, to some extent.

So you're on the right track by giving her a little bit of an ultimatum. That way she most likely won't use you as an orbiter (which she's kinda been doing this whole time).

However, leave the emotional stuff behind. When you tell her you like her, just be direct about it and don't give her a giant list of reasons why you should be together.

I didn't want to have sex because she was drunk but we made out, cuddled, etc.

Good move. That counts as rape if you would have done her whilst she was drunk.

and now the guy doesn't want to her to see me and she just wants to be friends.

Well, now you're in competition and this is NOT a good place to be. Another reason why you should move on, but whatever.

Says this after we made plans for future weekends and I bought her flight to visit me (as a surprise gift).

I don't recommend doing this again unless you get into a serious relationship with her.

She tends to change her mind a lot.

Girls do that.

She mentioned i am way nicer and treat her better and even her friends say she should go with me

This is the friend-zone category you're in right now, not the sensual-boyfriend/seducer category. That's not a good thing.

but the other guy is more aggressive.

Which is why he's getting the girl. She probably likes how he's an aggressive douche and doesn't realize it.

she writes she misses being with me.

What I think she's saying is "I miss having you as an orbiter and I would really like it if you gave me emotional validation while I sleep with some other guy."

I have flights in three days to visit her - should I go and confront her

Yep. Just tell her you like her and ask her out.

or what's the best way to win her back with some self respect

Nope. There isn't anyway to win her back with self respect.

The only thing you can do at this point is present yourself as high-value (which probably won't do a lot at this point) and ask her out.

(How to be High value
https://www.girlschase.com/content/7-key-qualities-men-women-want

Again, there's nothing you can really do since the cards have already been played. The best you can do is just tell her how you feel and, if she doesn't reciprocate the feeling, that you can't be "just a friend" to her. Then you have to end your friendship with her and move on.

Maybe she'll realize that she was wrong about you, and just maybe she might start chasing you again in the future, but right now there isn't anything you can do to get her. Even if you ignored me, and you started chasing her like a needy-stalker-creepy-psycho, her lover has already got her, and not only would you look pathetic, but you would be worst off then you were before.

My advice: Go ask her out. If she rejects you, then move on. Maybe in the distant future you'll get another chance with her, and if you do, then you can present yourself as high-value and try again with her.

I really recommend you just forget her and move on to other girls though. But, you do what makes you happy.

 

[SeattleMan12]

^thanks so much. i think this is great advice. i want to at least state my wants and get a yes or no. then walk away if it's a no. if she comes back, i'll ask what her intentions are, and if it's not to see each other (without games), then i'll ignore. thanks again

 

[normajean106]

^thanks so much. i think this is great advice. i want to at least state my wants and get a yes or no. then walk away if it's a no. if she comes back, i'll ask what her intentions are, and if it's not to see each other (without games), then i'll ignore. thanks again

No prob. Still rooting for you, mate.

 

[HellAtlantic]

She already told you what her intentions are. She wants to be friends with you. So many girls out there, and lots that we think are unique and special - you will find another unique and special girl and this time you'll have the benefit of past experience to help push you along in the relationship so that you progress quicker and don't give another guy a chance to swoop in and be her lover. Next time you'll be the girl's lover! Giving her an ultimatumm isn't going to help you - you are gonna make her choose between you who after 3 months still hasn't slept with her and the other guy who she is sleeping with. Who do you think is gonna win? Move on and learn from your past. That's all you can do. Good luck!

 

[whatawda]

Just move on and don't chase her. Don't be pus*y. There are many girls out there!

 

[Frost]

I think Franco's reply sums it up perfectly. Once you get over your oneitis and see the possibilities you will become a new man. I used to be able to relate to your situation not too long ago, but I believe it's better to let her go no matter what, learn from it and move on.

 

[SeattleMan12]

so new events here: after i left with an ultimatum she was crying and sent me a bunch of messages saying she's sorry. i ignored her messages for four days and she just send me another message on a different channel saying she needs to talk and it's important and doesn't have anyone to talk to about it. should i reply or ignore?

 

[Lawliet]

so new events here: after i left with an ultimatum she was crying and sent me a bunch of messages saying she's sorry. i ignored her messages for four days and she just send me another message on a different channel saying she needs to talk and it's important and doesn't have anyone to talk to about it. should i reply or ignore?

Tell her to meet you in person and see what happens.
If you can turn her on in person and go for intercourse, that might save your ass.
Then it becomes a lover hiding from a lover... loverception!
Otherwise, if you're not there yet, it might be worth the experience to see in person.
Don't have too much hope though, as it's likely to be a back pocket attempt.

Lawliet

 

[Chris_ger]

So what I always try to do in those situations setting my mind into a different state. Not the one that wants to be with her or get down with her. Set your mind to learning, everything that happened now is a big learning curve so far.
So when you confront her now try to go into that conversation with that mindset. What it does it makes you less emotional and more rational (what women love), because they want to be the emotionals and at the worst you've learned a bit more about women and how they react to you.
I started to do that when I meet girls via tinder that weren't nearly as pretty as I hoped. So my wishes for sex where naturally lowered immediatly and therefore I learned that I was much more confident and easy going and 90% of the girls wanted to see me again or wanted to come home with me.

Aside from that everyting that lawliet said

 

[SeattleMan12]

thanks! and is waiting a long time (like a month) before contact / meet okay or is that too long? I'm honestly really busy plus we don't live close.