Break Ups Ex girlfriend of 4 years 7 months

[Vee The Great]

Hello all,

First post here looking to get some clarity. I fell to what seems to be the common “2-year drop”, however mine was longer. I am 26 and my ex girlfriend had just turned 27. We were dating for 4 years and 7 months. Chase’s articles have been an excellent resource on why this happens and what to do about it. She started to emotionally dissociate about a few months before the breakup. I was willing to compromise and make a forward looking plan but her auto-rejection was too strong.

1. It sucks to have discovered all these terms now instead of earlier. Better late than never though. How do you cope with learning a lesson late?

2. I learned 2 hard lessons. Women will want commitment/progress eventually and will leave no matter what to find it. The other thing is that age does matter. I would be so ready to give her what she wanted, even earlier than what she wanted, if I was much older like 33/34. Why did my instincts feel not ready to push the relationship to the next level even though I know this girl is right for me?

3. I did say we can get engaged next year and marry 2 years after that but like I said, I think the auto rejection was very strong. She said I think we should break up. She said she had a gut feeling it wouldn’t work out. Most likely to how she felt hurt.

4. We do have each other’s numbers which is weird if she didn’t think it would work out. I just messaged her today to see if she would like some of her questions answered over a cup of coffee. We’ll see if she wants to meet up one last time after a month of not seeing each other. I did send a message in the middle of the break up to see how she was doing and didn’t get a response. I probably deserved that one. Either way, I have learned my lesson and have come to accept the outcome.

Every relationship is a learning opportunity to become a better man. Be thankful for every person who has come into your life. Just enjoy every moment you have with the person.

Anyone who has gone there something similar and know what to do after?

 

[Marty]

Welcome @Vee The Great , nice to have you here.

3. I did say we can get engaged next year and marry 2 years after that but like I said, I think the auto rejection was very strong. She said I think we should break up. She said she had a gut feeling it wouldn’t work out. Most likely to how she felt hurt.

To me, this makes little sense, and I’m not surprised that a woman would be baffled by it.

Either you’re both over-the-moon about each other, and sure about what you want (in which case, why wait 3 years?), or you’re still unsure, in which case why even raise the topic?

The purpose of an engagement, surely, is to plan the details of the wedding (which doesn’t take anything like 2 years: 4 to 6 months should be ample). And why plan the engagement itself ahead of time? Again, either propose to her, if that’s what you want, or don’t go anywhere near the subject.

Pussyfooting around like this gives the impression of not being serious, which is the last thing a woman wants from a prospective fiancé.

It sounds as if you dodged a bullet. If I were you, I’d use the resources on this site to date around, understand what is available in the pool (and what you want yourself), and never touch the question of marriage again until you’re sure you’ve found the girl of your dreams.

 

[POB]

Welcome to the boards @Vee The Great !

1. It sucks to have discovered all these terms now instead of earlier. Better late than never though. How do you cope with learning a lesson late?

Focus on the process. You will get those lessons to your core if you don't try to rush it.

2. I learned 2 hard lessons. Women will want commitment/progress eventually and will leave no matter what to find it. The other thing is that age does matter. I would be so ready to give her what she wanted, even earlier than what she wanted, if I was much older like 33/34. Why did my instincts feel not ready to push the relationship to the next level even though I know this girl is right for me?

Sadly you're right.
Takes time for a man to mature and reach that point.
On the bright side though, I'm pretty sure you'll experience so many new things on those next few years that you'll look back fondly of what you got from this episode (as long you apply what you'll learn here).

3. I did say we can get engaged next year and marry 2 years after that but like I said, I think the auto rejection was very strong. She said I think we should break up. She said she had a gut feeling it wouldn’t work out. Most likely to how she felt hurt.

Too soon for her, too soon for you.
Give yourself more time to mature this idea.

4. We do have each other’s numbers which is weird if she didn’t think it would work out. I just messaged her today to see if she would like some of her questions answered over a cup of coffee. We’ll see if she wants to meet up one last time after a month of not seeing each other. I did send a message in the middle of the break up to see how she was doing and didn’t get a response. I probably deserved that one. Either way, I have learned my lesson and have come to accept the outcome.

1st rule of Fight Club: after a break-up, NO CONTACT
If she contacts you, give brief aswers and maybe (if needed) figure out some logistics (to pick your stuff up for example)

Anyone who has gone there something similar and know what to do after?

Give it time to heal and de-couple.
Take the pain and move on.

 

[Vee The Great]

Thank you Marty and POB for your help and warm welcome greetings. I have some general questions to anyone:

1. What makes you promote a girlfriend to a wife? Relationships are business so she must be doing at least some minor wifey things to show her devotion. Also, she needs to be consistent and have little to no drama with you. That is what I was taught. It should not just be based on time, kids, convenience, etc. But maybe I am unrealistic here?

2. How would you handle out growing a girl in a LTR? We are all into continuous self-improvement and that can leave a lot of girls behind in terms of value if they do not also step up to the plate. It is rare to hear about a guy have way more value than the girl later in the relationship even though in the beginning it was equal, or the guy had a little more.

3. What is a realistic timeframe for relationships in the modern era to be considered successful since Disney forever does not exist and society does not help with lifetime either? I am also assuming that the relationship was happy for both parties until the end. I would say below:

0-2 years just dating
3-7 years girlfriend
4-10+ years wife
10-20+ years wife with kids

 

[POB]

1. What makes you promote a girlfriend to a wife?

- compatibility (in bed and outside of bed)
- minimal drama
- similar plans/goals
- can follow your lead, and also provide her own opinions and leadership on topics you are weak.
She must prove those points over and over again, including during a crisis, to take that post.

2. How would you handle out growing a girl in a LTR?

Gotta love her.
Nothing more to add here really...if she is feminine and family oriented, in time you'll prob outgrow her in terms of money/carrer.
But she is there to be your life partner, not your associate.

We are all into continuous self-improvement and that can leave a lot of girls behind in terms of value if they do not also step up to the plate.

See above.

3. What is a realistic timeframe for relationships in the modern era to be considered successful

Impossible to answer.
I've had relationships of 3-4 months that were really fun, and some of 3-4 years that were not so much.
It depends on what you want and how you calibrate your expectations.

10-20+ years wife with kids

If you reach that point, the relationship is probably very different than in the beggining.
You can't put a timeframe on growth and the ever changing flow of emotions you'll both feel during your time together.
Putting a timestamp in that experience is pure projection.

 

[Zoro]

I want to add something here important.

It’s good to reflect on what happened, because that will help you learn the lessons.

But one of the most important parts of a break up, is moving on.

And you can’t do that by over analyzing what happened. You just need to focus on other stuff and literally forget about her.

Depending on how raw your feelings are right now, you might want to postpone reflecting on what happened. You’ll still remember later on, I reflect on some break ups from years and years ago and get insights from time to time.

As for the dynamic between you right now, she’s calling the shots. She left and you’re trying to accommodate her and patch things up, while she’s deciding what happens. That’s not a good dynamic.

Get back in your captain’s chair and chart your course. This ironically is one of the best ways to get an ex back, but DO NOT do it for that reason. Do it with legitimate plans for yourself, to take back your autonomy. This will set you back on a good course for forgetting her, finding a new girl, and learning the lessons you want, while also making progress on the new chapter for you life.

If you’re not too emotionally upset, then some reflection here and there now is fine, as long as you’ve got wind in your sails.

 

[Vee The Great]

Thank you again POB and thank you Zoro. Zoro, I appreciate you coming to an action plan that I have been struggling with. I am an over analyzer and want to know everything as soon as possible so I do not repeat the same mistakes over again. I am going through some growing pains figuring out if I made the right decision to not go to the next level of the relationship and inevitably cause her to lose feelings for me. Like was I being unrealistic, maybe I was ready to get married, etc. My teachings from my mentors are clashing with societal programming and my upbringing. I agree though, it is better to divert the energy towards moving on and letting the thoughts go for now. My short-term goal is to approach girls and just get 1 girl, who I Iike, to consistently date for now. My long-term goal is to get another girlfriend as good but prefer even better than my last one.