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- Mar 1, 2013
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I’ve decided to write an article on something I thought about while talking with ByronicMan in one of his board posts.
I want to discuss the dangers of expectations on both sides of the coin.
MENS EXPECTATIONS
A good portion of men who are new to pick up will often fall to their expectations. Chase touched on this in his article about Lowering Your Standards. Newer men will often create very high expectations early on, set goals like nail a perfect 10 early, or only approach girls who are perfect, or seemingly perfect anyway.
I, too, fell to this standard and could not even begin to tell you about how crippling it is until today, now that I’ve long since grown past it. Anyway, when you set high expectations for yourself without having the proper skill to acquire them, as you fall short of your goals, you’ll start to feel depressed, will dabble in pick up less and less, and may even stop altogether like a few friends of mine have.
The remedy for this, is to step-stone your way up to your expectations. Create smaller goals for yourself, and work your way up.
If you want to pick up a 10 and nail her! Start by picking up 5’s then 6’s then 7’s and so on and so forth.
Another crippling expectation that men have, is the expectation of the close. What I mean by this is that men approach a woman expecting to close her, expecting to have sex with her soon, and this creates “outcome dependency.” When this phenomena takes place, a man will lose his natural vibe, his sexiness, his dominance, and his cool all in one fell swoop.
When you start to focus on the outcome, or the expectation you start to lose focus on the here and now. By focusing on the end, you lose sight of the beginning and middle. Because of that, you will fall short of your goals, and again fall into depression.
This is a trap that you can fall in to as you work your way through the ranks, as you start to get better and better with women, because, you start to get so good that you know you can bed a woman, and start to expect to bed women you meet, and again, lose sight of the process that allows you to bed women. However, this is much rarer as you get more experience, but, it can still happen.
WOMENS EXPECTATIONS:
This is more specifically what I was talking about with ByronicMan about. The expectations that men implicitly instill in women.
This is the most important reason why you remain a straight shooter, and be honest with women from the jump.
Two scenarios:
Guy A: Approaches a woman, utilizes heavy eye flirting, doesn’t say much, but everything he does say is important. This guy doesn’t talk about family, doesn’t talk about love. Instead, this man expresses his view that women are sexual creatures, and that he has no judgment about women who are sexual, and emphasizes sexual freedom. This girl starts to really feel that sexual vibe, really tunes in to him, and this man closes, gets her number.
Guy B: Approaches a woman, talks to her about her future, what her goals in life and are and connects with, he leaves her feeling very special, and she “knows” this guy “understands” her. He closes, he pulls her number, and a date is established.
Okay, so now question time.
What does the women expect out of guy A, and out of guy B?
Hopefully you got that, the woman expects sex out of guy A, and a relationship out of guy B…
NOW! What happens when the two men act out of sync with the expectations they have created? The woman auto-rejects almost every time…
If guy A takes the girl out for a nice dinner, invites her to his place afterwards, and they only watch a movie without sex, the woman will reject him for falling short of her expectation of sex. He didn’t fall in line with the expectations he created in her.
Now, if guy B takes the girl out for the same dinner, invites her over to his place afterwards, and immediately makes the moves, and pushes for sex. She’ll auto-reject because he too is acting out of sync with the expectation he created in her, which was a relationship.
Because of this, I implore you gentleman to think about the expectations you give off to women. When you meet a woman and talk with her, when you close, what does she expect out of you? Does she expect sex, does she expect a relationship, does she expect you to be dominant, or nice, or sexy. What are her expectations for you post-close?
The next problem that goes hand in hand with this, is falling short of her expectations.
Same scenarios with guys A and B, now, what happens if:
Guy A takes the girl out, they have a nice dinner, fantastic dialogue about the sexual night ahead! The girl is clearly wants to be bedded by him, she’s wanting him to dominate her, she wants him to satisfy her sexual desires! They get back to his place, and the guy starts to make moves, starts kissing her and fondling her, but he starts a little late. He starts when her sexuality has toned down. They continue, they get down to foreplay, and the guy stops for whatever reason…
What do you think this girl will do with this guy?
Now, guy B takes the same girl out for dinner, they enjoy nice conversation about the future, goals in life, their respective views on life. This guy throws in sexual frames here and there, and she doesn’t bite, she doesn’t go along with them. Dinner finishes, they go for a walk on the beach, and he tries to kiss her, tries to fondle her, and she’s pushing away.
What do you think this girl will do with this guy?
Reject him because he fell short of what they expected. Guy A was expected to perform sexually! And Guy B was expected to be the connector, the two of them were supposed to find that connection and maybe start a nice relationship. They both fell short of what the women were expecting.
The potential pitfall here, is overestimation. A lot of guys will pump themselves up to women instead of be humble. A lot of guys will talk about their sexual endeavors to a girl who wants to have great sex. A lot of guys will talk about the girls dreams and aspirations with a girl who want a boyfriend. While in reality, some guys will actually be speaking of truths with women, the vast majority over-exert themselves to women.
RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS:
This is one that I had only uncovered recently and discussed in social psych. In class, we were talking about the optimism bias, and my teacher mentioned this in passing, as, she was a family/group/relationship therapist for some years before deciding to teach.
Anyway, the biggest pitfall involving expectations in a relationship, is: (drum roll please)
THE POTENTIAL EXPECTATION...
This is a huge component, and is often used by men who have regrettably settled, and are trying to validate their choice.
Ever here a man say, "She has great potential," or "I see a lot of potential in her," or anything similar? Chances are you have, and how do those relationships turn out most of the time? In ashes...
What happens is, couples who focus on the "potential" are not a healthy couple, because they are together with the hope or expectation of change, with the intent to change one another. Healthy couples are together for what they share at the time, they are together for "what is," not,
"what could be."
Inevitably, men will validate their choice in women with this phrase, or with this thought. Majority speaking however, the partners don't change, and they persist with the illusion that "change," is around the corner. That it's only a matter of time until they're happy, and in reality, that happiness almost never comes.
UP UNTIL THIS POINT, I HAD ONLY TALKED OF THE DOWNSIDES TO EXPECTATIONS, NOW, I'LL BE TALKING OF THE UPSIDE.
What you want to take from everything before this point, is that: avoid setting unrealistic expectations, and be cautious of the expectations you set.
Now, back to expectations in general, and their positives.
Studies show that "expecting," or "anticipating" are actually significant brain functions which influence your happiness, as well as your depression. We've talked about depression though, now it's time for the happiness.
Happiness can be defined however you wish, but whatever. Traditional thought has said, and I'm sure you've heard this in your life that, the key to happiness is to have low expectations, so, when good things don't happen you won't be discontent, and when good things do happen, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
WRONG: 3 REASONS
#1
No matter the circumstances or outcome, people with high expectations always feel best because of interpretation. How you interpret an event. This is also where self-esteem comes into play.
People with high expectations who experience success will attribute it to internal qualities, and when they fail it's because they attribute it to external sources and maintain the idea that they'll do better next time.
People with low expectations who experience success attribute it to external sources, and suggest that it was luck. While, when they fail, they blame it on internal qualities.
#2
Anticipation influences happiness (this is the most prominent point).
A study was done with this as well. Tali Sharot spoke of this on her Ted Talk special. Anyway, college students were asked to imagine getting a passionate kiss from their favorite celebrity. Then, they were asked how much they were willing to pay for that kiss. Lengths of time to wait for the kiss were immediately, 3 hours, 24 hours, 3 days, 1 year, and 10 years....
Students were willing to spend the most money on which amount of time? Most people answer immediately, but, how much time would you want to wait? Think about it for a minute.
3 days was the winner. Students were willing to pay the most for a 3 day wait, because of anticipation. Students would be able to plan out the kiss, plan out the setting, the moment, and anticipate how good it would be. That anticipation leads to happiness; the thrill of the wait.
Think about this as well, why do most people rank the top 3 days of the week as: Saturday, Friday, Sunday... Why would Friday, a day of work supersede Sunday, a day of play?
#3
Expectations influence you to try harder.
Again, this only true of realistic expectations...
Anyway, when you have an expectation it acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy (a prediction or belief that causes itself to become true. Basically, how your beliefs influence you. If you feel like you should be sick, you'll start to feel sick. Your belief causes itself to become true.) This point is a little more open to discussion because social influences provide other variables that may skew this. Nevertheless, this point is true to a certain degree. If you believe that you can pull a woman, or a close a woman, you'll work harder to do so, and theoretically should increase your percentage rate of closing
SUMMATION!
While their are positives to expectations, the negatives show up in "unrealistic" expectation. We as humans have a tendency to overestimate our own abilities, and underestimate the ability of others. Because of this, a lot of men think they are better with women than they actually are, and feel that the expectations or goals they set are perfectly accomplishable.
I'm not telling everyone to lower your expectations, or throw your goals away. I'm asking you to take a minute to rationally think about your goals, are they realistic? are they accomplishable? or do they need baby-steps, do they need revision?
Best of luck gentleman,
Richard
I want to discuss the dangers of expectations on both sides of the coin.
MENS EXPECTATIONS
A good portion of men who are new to pick up will often fall to their expectations. Chase touched on this in his article about Lowering Your Standards. Newer men will often create very high expectations early on, set goals like nail a perfect 10 early, or only approach girls who are perfect, or seemingly perfect anyway.
I, too, fell to this standard and could not even begin to tell you about how crippling it is until today, now that I’ve long since grown past it. Anyway, when you set high expectations for yourself without having the proper skill to acquire them, as you fall short of your goals, you’ll start to feel depressed, will dabble in pick up less and less, and may even stop altogether like a few friends of mine have.
The remedy for this, is to step-stone your way up to your expectations. Create smaller goals for yourself, and work your way up.
If you want to pick up a 10 and nail her! Start by picking up 5’s then 6’s then 7’s and so on and so forth.
Another crippling expectation that men have, is the expectation of the close. What I mean by this is that men approach a woman expecting to close her, expecting to have sex with her soon, and this creates “outcome dependency.” When this phenomena takes place, a man will lose his natural vibe, his sexiness, his dominance, and his cool all in one fell swoop.
When you start to focus on the outcome, or the expectation you start to lose focus on the here and now. By focusing on the end, you lose sight of the beginning and middle. Because of that, you will fall short of your goals, and again fall into depression.
This is a trap that you can fall in to as you work your way through the ranks, as you start to get better and better with women, because, you start to get so good that you know you can bed a woman, and start to expect to bed women you meet, and again, lose sight of the process that allows you to bed women. However, this is much rarer as you get more experience, but, it can still happen.
WOMENS EXPECTATIONS:
This is more specifically what I was talking about with ByronicMan about. The expectations that men implicitly instill in women.
This is the most important reason why you remain a straight shooter, and be honest with women from the jump.
Two scenarios:
Guy A: Approaches a woman, utilizes heavy eye flirting, doesn’t say much, but everything he does say is important. This guy doesn’t talk about family, doesn’t talk about love. Instead, this man expresses his view that women are sexual creatures, and that he has no judgment about women who are sexual, and emphasizes sexual freedom. This girl starts to really feel that sexual vibe, really tunes in to him, and this man closes, gets her number.
Guy B: Approaches a woman, talks to her about her future, what her goals in life and are and connects with, he leaves her feeling very special, and she “knows” this guy “understands” her. He closes, he pulls her number, and a date is established.
Okay, so now question time.
What does the women expect out of guy A, and out of guy B?
Hopefully you got that, the woman expects sex out of guy A, and a relationship out of guy B…
NOW! What happens when the two men act out of sync with the expectations they have created? The woman auto-rejects almost every time…
If guy A takes the girl out for a nice dinner, invites her to his place afterwards, and they only watch a movie without sex, the woman will reject him for falling short of her expectation of sex. He didn’t fall in line with the expectations he created in her.
Now, if guy B takes the girl out for the same dinner, invites her over to his place afterwards, and immediately makes the moves, and pushes for sex. She’ll auto-reject because he too is acting out of sync with the expectation he created in her, which was a relationship.
Because of this, I implore you gentleman to think about the expectations you give off to women. When you meet a woman and talk with her, when you close, what does she expect out of you? Does she expect sex, does she expect a relationship, does she expect you to be dominant, or nice, or sexy. What are her expectations for you post-close?
The next problem that goes hand in hand with this, is falling short of her expectations.
Same scenarios with guys A and B, now, what happens if:
Guy A takes the girl out, they have a nice dinner, fantastic dialogue about the sexual night ahead! The girl is clearly wants to be bedded by him, she’s wanting him to dominate her, she wants him to satisfy her sexual desires! They get back to his place, and the guy starts to make moves, starts kissing her and fondling her, but he starts a little late. He starts when her sexuality has toned down. They continue, they get down to foreplay, and the guy stops for whatever reason…
What do you think this girl will do with this guy?
Now, guy B takes the same girl out for dinner, they enjoy nice conversation about the future, goals in life, their respective views on life. This guy throws in sexual frames here and there, and she doesn’t bite, she doesn’t go along with them. Dinner finishes, they go for a walk on the beach, and he tries to kiss her, tries to fondle her, and she’s pushing away.
What do you think this girl will do with this guy?
Reject him because he fell short of what they expected. Guy A was expected to perform sexually! And Guy B was expected to be the connector, the two of them were supposed to find that connection and maybe start a nice relationship. They both fell short of what the women were expecting.
The potential pitfall here, is overestimation. A lot of guys will pump themselves up to women instead of be humble. A lot of guys will talk about their sexual endeavors to a girl who wants to have great sex. A lot of guys will talk about the girls dreams and aspirations with a girl who want a boyfriend. While in reality, some guys will actually be speaking of truths with women, the vast majority over-exert themselves to women.
RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS:
This is one that I had only uncovered recently and discussed in social psych. In class, we were talking about the optimism bias, and my teacher mentioned this in passing, as, she was a family/group/relationship therapist for some years before deciding to teach.
Anyway, the biggest pitfall involving expectations in a relationship, is: (drum roll please)
THE POTENTIAL EXPECTATION...
This is a huge component, and is often used by men who have regrettably settled, and are trying to validate their choice.
Ever here a man say, "She has great potential," or "I see a lot of potential in her," or anything similar? Chances are you have, and how do those relationships turn out most of the time? In ashes...
What happens is, couples who focus on the "potential" are not a healthy couple, because they are together with the hope or expectation of change, with the intent to change one another. Healthy couples are together for what they share at the time, they are together for "what is," not,
"what could be."
Inevitably, men will validate their choice in women with this phrase, or with this thought. Majority speaking however, the partners don't change, and they persist with the illusion that "change," is around the corner. That it's only a matter of time until they're happy, and in reality, that happiness almost never comes.
UP UNTIL THIS POINT, I HAD ONLY TALKED OF THE DOWNSIDES TO EXPECTATIONS, NOW, I'LL BE TALKING OF THE UPSIDE.
What you want to take from everything before this point, is that: avoid setting unrealistic expectations, and be cautious of the expectations you set.
Now, back to expectations in general, and their positives.
Studies show that "expecting," or "anticipating" are actually significant brain functions which influence your happiness, as well as your depression. We've talked about depression though, now it's time for the happiness.
Happiness can be defined however you wish, but whatever. Traditional thought has said, and I'm sure you've heard this in your life that, the key to happiness is to have low expectations, so, when good things don't happen you won't be discontent, and when good things do happen, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
WRONG: 3 REASONS
#1
No matter the circumstances or outcome, people with high expectations always feel best because of interpretation. How you interpret an event. This is also where self-esteem comes into play.
People with high expectations who experience success will attribute it to internal qualities, and when they fail it's because they attribute it to external sources and maintain the idea that they'll do better next time.
People with low expectations who experience success attribute it to external sources, and suggest that it was luck. While, when they fail, they blame it on internal qualities.
#2
Anticipation influences happiness (this is the most prominent point).
A study was done with this as well. Tali Sharot spoke of this on her Ted Talk special. Anyway, college students were asked to imagine getting a passionate kiss from their favorite celebrity. Then, they were asked how much they were willing to pay for that kiss. Lengths of time to wait for the kiss were immediately, 3 hours, 24 hours, 3 days, 1 year, and 10 years....
Students were willing to spend the most money on which amount of time? Most people answer immediately, but, how much time would you want to wait? Think about it for a minute.
3 days was the winner. Students were willing to pay the most for a 3 day wait, because of anticipation. Students would be able to plan out the kiss, plan out the setting, the moment, and anticipate how good it would be. That anticipation leads to happiness; the thrill of the wait.
Think about this as well, why do most people rank the top 3 days of the week as: Saturday, Friday, Sunday... Why would Friday, a day of work supersede Sunday, a day of play?
#3
Expectations influence you to try harder.
Again, this only true of realistic expectations...
Anyway, when you have an expectation it acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy (a prediction or belief that causes itself to become true. Basically, how your beliefs influence you. If you feel like you should be sick, you'll start to feel sick. Your belief causes itself to become true.) This point is a little more open to discussion because social influences provide other variables that may skew this. Nevertheless, this point is true to a certain degree. If you believe that you can pull a woman, or a close a woman, you'll work harder to do so, and theoretically should increase your percentage rate of closing
SUMMATION!
While their are positives to expectations, the negatives show up in "unrealistic" expectation. We as humans have a tendency to overestimate our own abilities, and underestimate the ability of others. Because of this, a lot of men think they are better with women than they actually are, and feel that the expectations or goals they set are perfectly accomplishable.
I'm not telling everyone to lower your expectations, or throw your goals away. I'm asking you to take a minute to rationally think about your goals, are they realistic? are they accomplishable? or do they need baby-steps, do they need revision?
Best of luck gentleman,
Richard
