Eye contact (newbie exercise)

[jonnywishbone]

Ok, so I pretty much suck at (or at least haven't got my head round) daytime cold approaches. I'm ok in bars, clubs, parties etc, but the daytime stuff just spins me out quite a bit. So I'm doing the newbie exercise, and I'm playing around with the eye-contact and "hi" parts...

Here's the thing, I can very rarely get a girl to make eye contact with me during the daytime to even say hi to. I've been trying a lot, and I'd say out of about 30 attempts I might get one who doesn't look away. I reckon my posture and walk is not bad (i'd already been working on these for a while). Also, and this is what confuses me the most, I'm told by a lot of people I'm a way above average looking guy. I don't like to big myself up at all (in fact I didn't really believe it myself for a long long time, bloody poor self-esteem at work!), but a lot of girls I've met tell me I'm very good looking. I also know looks don't count all that much for guys, so...

I just wanted to get a heads-up on what other people have experienced here? Is this normal? Should it be this hard? I almost think that unless I actually grabbed hold of a girl, or jumped in front of her, she wouldn't look me in the eyes for me to even say the "Hi" part of the exercise!

Thoughts? Advice??

 

[Penguin]

What sort of clothes do you wear? Maybe you're blending into the crowd? It's easy to get girls to look at you by wearing edgy clothes and standing out, especially when most guys wear boring / average / ill-fitting clothes. When I started suiting/shirting up, girls started looking at me. All women out there are looking for the best guys to mate with, and if you come across as being one they will be looking at you.

It is a numbers game though- For every X amount of approaches you do you get Y number of successes. In your case at the moment it's 1 success in 30 tries, so you'll know that if you want to succeed, you have to try around 30 times. This rate will improve as your fundamentals (body language, fashion etc.) do.

 

[Flames]

I never found it to be that difficult TBH, and I'm coming from a point where I was too shy to look at ppl, maybe it could be the fact that you are an attractive guy that's 'putting them off'. It sounds odd I know but sometimes girls deliberately don't look a guys there attracted to, then sneak a peek when they know you've given up looking. They're amazingly good at this.

As an experiment just tryin walking head slightly raised, looking forward and then develop your perepheral vision (ie corner of your eye) and see what happens.

Also it maybe youve developed an overall 'unapproachable' demeanour, try walking in a more relaxed
manner, with a hint of bounce (but just a hint)

Let me know how it goes.

 

[Light]

One major factor that I noticed is the speed you walk in.

If you're a fast walker, people will assume you're the average joe who is too busy to notice his own surrounding, rushing to work etc.
People pay less attention to you if you walk fast.

Try walking slower than your usual pace and take time to look at people's face. They will usually look up. (Unless if they are also a fast walker).

Anothing reason may be due to your location.
If you live in a busy city, or during rush hour. It may have nothing to do with you, but the people walking by are simply minding their own business.

 

[DigitalStef]

How are you managing your eyes when you do your exercise? Are you moving your eyes fast or slowly as you look at the people and women surrounding you? I make sure i move my slowly almost gliding over the heads of those near by to rest on the target of my choice then rest there for a bit before gliding on to take in more of my surroundings.

I tend to always get girls to look back at me although being a newbie myself here i am still pretty shy in my day game when it comes to saying hi which is what i really want to break through.

Also i know you mentioned your posture, but have you given thoughts to your expression and what kind of look you are giving those who are surrounding you?

 

[jonnywishbone]

Thanks all... some more info...

especially when most guys wear boring / average / ill-fitting clothes. When I started suiting/shirting up

I'd say I dress pretty well, but maybe a bit casual. I do remember wearing shirt and shoes to work some time ago (way before doing this) and noticing getting more glances from girls. I guess I just don't see that as "me", but maybe when everybody around me going to work is suited up I have a lower value by comparison. I'll take a look at this and try some things out...

maybe it could be the fact that you are an attractive guy that's 'putting them off'

I would absolutely love to think this was the case But sadly I think there is more too it...

Also it maybe youve developed an overall 'unapproachable' demeanour, try walking in a more relaxed

This could well be true - I feel quite tense doing this, and not really the same relaxed person I'd feel if I was in a bar with mates. Any advice on how to work on this, or find out?

Try walking slower than your usual pace and take time to look at people's face.... Anothing reason may be due to your location. If you live in a busy city, or during rush hour

Another good point, I've noticed I do walk quite fast so I'll try and relax more. Also the location thing - I live in London and I know we're not famous here for our openness and eye-contact, I did wonder if that was part of it. Anybody here from the same area?

Also i know you mentioned your posture, but have you given thoughts to your expression and what kind of look you are giving those who are surrounding you?

I think this was my gut feeling, probably from feeling self-conscious doing the exercise. But not sure how to change this, or even to know what I should be looking like. Might just take a day or 2 off, chill out and come back to it and try some of the things suggested. Maybe work on one thing at a time see how it goes...

 

[Garrett]

Ok, so I pretty much suck at (or at least haven't got my head round) daytime cold approaches. I'm ok in bars, clubs, parties etc, but the daytime stuff just spins me out quite a bit. So I'm doing the newbie exercise, and I'm playing around with the eye-contact and "hi" parts...

Here's the thing, I can very rarely get a girl to make eye contact with me during the daytime to even say hi to. I've been trying a lot, and I'd say out of about 30 attempts I might get one who doesn't look away. I reckon my posture and walk is not bad (i'd already been working on these for a while). Also, and this is what confuses me the most, I'm told by a lot of people I'm a way above average looking guy. I don't like to big myself up at all (in fact I didn't really believe it myself for a long long time, bloody poor self-esteem at work!), but a lot of girls I've met tell me I'm very good looking. I also know looks don't count all that much for guys, so...

I just wanted to get a heads-up on what other people have experienced here? Is this normal? Should it be this hard? I almost think that unless I actually grabbed hold of a girl, or jumped in front of her, she wouldn't look me in the eyes for me to even say the "Hi" part of the exercise!

Thoughts? Advice??

Hey Johnny,

I'm going to assume you're a pretty attractive guy so here's what I think. Firstly, I think people have given you some good advice. I think it comes down to a few things... your looks and your approach. Now, it's hard to say anything about your looks because for all I know you could have model good looks. It's said that people often view themselves 10 times worse than they actually appear to others. I have noticed some shier girls look away from me too, but I don't think this comes down to looks all that much.

If you approach a girl and are intimidating, too high value, and unrelatable, then she may be more hesitant to look at you. Based on my experience, I actually had a girlfriend who could not look me in the eye because she was so insecure. I eventually dumped her because I didn't want an extremely insecure girl around me/influencing me, but this is what I noticed... as I built a connection with her, she started to trust me more, thus being more open to engaging in eye contact. Maybe you aren't connecting to these girls all that well, they are bored, and you are not asking them enough about themselves and deep diving. Unless you are absolutely hideous, she probably won't look away. Girls will give average looking guys eye contact even if they aren't all that attractive. So if I were you, I'd examine my approach, and possibly get a friend to record my approach so I could watch it later and see how the girl is feeling/reacting to different things.

Anyways, goodluck man!
Garrett

 

[Flames]

Yeah Garret that's more what I meant.

If your a big powerful guy, or even just tall,Or have some other 'intimadating' feature then you find ppl will look at you less.