First time with girl, lost erection before sex

[Lithuanian]

Hey, guys,

As inconvenient as it is to talk about this topic, I want to solve problem that ocurred to me last week. I dating beautiful and quite smart girl, and last week she invited me at her's to "watch movie and cook dinner" on the weekend (I knew about it a couple of days before). Being regular reader of this site I knew what it meant, but the problem is I am virgin (was), or more specifically - lack of experience. So we cooked dinner, watched movie in the bedroom and after movie I started taking action. She resisted very little (just for the sake of resistance obviously) so got naked pretty quickly, but my dick didn't get hard enough and I failed! I didn't expect this and she got mad that it was the first time it happened to her and maybe she's not attractive to me (she seems mildly experienced by her talk, but she's very into me). She has perfect body, so probably it's not that she' s not atractive to me. It was one of the hardest and most embarassing moments in my life, I couldn't fall asleep all night (we slept together still). So all night I couldn't sleep because I was so shocked and thinking of why it happened - was it because we drank wine (not much), I slept badly the night before, was a bit nervous or all reasons listed? Next day she started talking about this and that she can't see relationship without sex (often sex).I was tired so I didn't try at first to have sex again, but in the afternoon we tried and I got a boner hard enough to get into her for about 4-5 minutes. She seemed happier after that.

But the problem is - I'm afraid that it might happen agina the next time we have sex. What should I do? How should I cope with this situation? How can I prepare? I'd be very thankful for any advice!

 

[Alchemist]

Hi Lithuanian,

I have had the EXACT same situation happen to me the first time with my ex. She got offended and a bit hurt, thinking that she caused it.

The most likely reason why this happens is simply, nervousness. First of all I told her that I was too much in my head, that I adored her body and that I needed to relax. So the next time we met up, I was not forcing anything because if I was focused on my dick I knew I'd never get hard. I would put my focus on her and the feelings in my hand and just do an extended foreplay. It was pretty easy to get hard after that, especially when she was stroking me as well.

So in general, eat healthy, sleep well, meditate/calm yourself, exercise in order to physically have a good sex life. And communicate with her (face to face), that you're so excited about the situation and about her that you're psyching yourself out, not that you're repulsed by her. Remember, you can take your time. Knowing that helped me tremendously. She's not going to run away in 5 mins, and she'll be supportive if you've done a good job of communicating with her. So enjoy her body, stimulate yourself, let her suck you off, whatever gets you going.

I know it's one of the most embarrassing feelings ever man. After doing so much to bring a girl to bed, and more to take her clothes off, not getting hard enough for a condom makes me feel like exploding into outer space. Just know that, like many things, it will get better as you get more experience.

Lastly, read this: https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-get-turned-and-beat-performance-anxiety-new-girls

 

[Seppuku]

Hey Lithuanian,

Man, this happens to all men at least once in their life. Happened to me a few times. Horribly embarrassing. And girls don't make it easier by taking it personally.

It's mostly anxiety, and alcohol doesn't help. And the more you panic and try to force reverse the situation, the worse it gets. The best thing to do is to get yourself out of your head, relax a little bit next to her and forget to have sex with her for now. Do not beat yourself, and instead chat about something else. Change your mindset completely. Could be thirty minutes. Could be one hour. You may have the surprise of getting it up when you don't expect it anymore. You can also help the process by taking the matter in your own hand and masturbating it a little while.

For now, the more you stress about it, the more likely it will happen again next time. Like a self fulfilling prophecy. You need to get it out of your mind. Understand one thing. It's not her beauty. It's not your capacity as a man. It's just anxiety. Get over your anxiety and things will fall back to normal.

OK good luck. I'm not worried.

Cheers
Seppuku

 

[Skippy]

Yeah don't sweat it. Something similar happened to me my first time and since you said she has the perfect body. it's probably you just being nervous.

A couple things you can do beforehand:
--Don't masturbate at least a couple days before the date. I'd even say don't masturbate a week in advance but that's much easier said than done.
-- Also avoid porn. I know that some people disagree with this, but the way I see it is you're still going to be nervous if you know you watched porn recently and it'll give you another reason to doubt whether your dick can get hard. so might as well cover your bases.
-- I find that on days when I'm wearing boxers instead of briefs, I'm much much hornier. Not sure why but something about the extra space causes my dick to get aroused faster.
-- Maca root powder. have about a teaspoon a day, before you see her. Some people get rock hard within half an hour of having maca powder. personally I haven't experienced that, but when I take it regularly, I find that I get hard quicker when I'm having sex and I can go on for more rounds. it's known as an adaptogenic herb and plugs in hormonal imbalances that you might have (but it's also known for making you horny). and don't worry, it's actually very healthy. You can find it at whole foods.

Some things you can do while you're having sex:
-- Smack your penis on her ass or body.
-- Rub the bare tip of your penis on her pussy to tease her
-- have her give you a blowjob(and read Hector's article on teaching her to give good blowjobs)
-- Dirty talking really turns me on and maybe it'll help you. Getting her to verbalize things that you two are during sex can be a turn on and help you get out of your head.
-- If there's any specific thing from pornos that you like, have her do them. It'll really help you get out of your head.
-- Get rid of distractions. when I'm fucking my girl I sometimes get distracted by the noise of the mattress or the lyrics to the music. just be aware of that and adjust.
-- best not to let her give you a handjob unless she's a pro. I feel like that usually makes things worse.

and finally, if none of that works get her on board and just let her know that you're gonna bone her when you get hard. keep cuddling and eventually you'll feel it.

definitely try having sex in the morning when you have your morning wood.

I will admit, things are much easier when the girl is understanding about it. but don't worry there's nothing out of the ordinary in the experience you described.

 

[readjusting]

Lithuanian,

I didn't have this problem in my first time, but the best solution is to communicate with her. Just admit it's your first time, and you need her help to become good in bed. It is your moment of vulnerability.
No one is really strong all the time. It's very likely that she will understand.

 

[.....]

Man, it happened to me too when I was having sex for the first time in my life.

I penetrated her, it was little painful for me. I ejaculated inside her within 4-5 strokes.....must've been 5 seconds. Lol.

10-15 minutes later, she told me to do again.....i tried....but just couldn't get it up. I tried for like 10 minutes and she said to do it later and I decided yeah. I couldn't get it up for like 45 minutes or an hour. But after that I took the second round, and then third round. After that it didn't happened.

so once I masterbated like 3 hours ago before the action and slept for like an hour.....and Bam I lasted longer in my first round. Try it out....and see if it works.

It could be because it was your first time, I guess.

 

[Guest0291]

If a girl is acting weird or takes it personal that you can't get an erection when you've tried to make it clear to her that you want to fuck, probably not a woman to hang with much longer mate. Just saying.

Also, it's not a failure if you can't get your dick up, shit happens like that sometimes. I didn't read anything about her trying to aid the situation, the hell did she do to help? Probably would have worked better in the moment than you or her freaking out about it.

Honestly dude, you're fine. I had my dick fail for a month when I was wanting to bang the shit out of the girl who went on to become my previous girlfriend. It happened once, and then mentally messed with me for a good while. Eventually got over it, made her cum 4 times in a row, giving her the best sex of her life and we dated for a good while. She had other character flaws, but I'll give her points for being pretty easygoing on the situation.

Stop worrying about it so much. I get why you're worried, I do, but relax. Plus the more you panic, the more your dick isn't going to want to rise to the occasion. You ended up getting it up, so everything is fine. Sex is supposed to be fun so don't be so serious about it, just shrug it off if it happens again. In my situation, I think I said something like I'm so turned on, the sheer force of the blood rushing down broke my dick or something. Just play it off, it's all good.

Not to mention, there's other hot girls out there. If this one fails, there's bound to be another babe to fuck.

 

[Lithuanian]

Hey, guys, thank you very much for your help, it's just amazing how good is this site and it's members, not to mention that you changed my life in various ways!

I haven't had sex with her since, trying to make a little break and of course, our relationship is still fresh (I know her for 2 months now). But she mentioned yesterday, that our relationship lacks pation and warmth. So I started thinking, is she really seeking for serious relationship, or she just wants to fuck. Of course, I want to fuck her too, but probably not that much and I'm still a bit afraid. Yes, she didn't help me, just got mad very quickly and she gets mad very quickly quite often, she is super jealous, but calms very quickly too. I don't know if it's healthy or damaging to relationship. I'm more of an intellectual man, I like fun freetime, visiting museums, going to basketball games, travelling etc., and she doesn't like these things, just sometimes sitting and doing nothing. I'm just glad she said multiple times she thinks I'm very manly, and I really changed myself during last 2 years, thanks to this site. So maybe I could find even better girlfriend who is more serious.