FR- Got Number, Set Up Date, She Flakes

[Nick]

Hey y'all,

Here is my first field report where I meet a girl (Lets call her Kay) in my dorm and manage to get a number and set up a date faster than I ever have before. She also ends up flaking on the date so help me out and tell me where I went wrong! Thanks.

THE SETTING
Its late Saturday night and I come back to my dorm after getting some food. I'm by myself and I have no plans for the rest of the evening (Its around 12 am) so I figure I grab my laptop and head down to the common area to get some work done. When I get there I see three people: two of my hall mates playing ping pong and a blonde sitting by herself doing homework. I walk over to my hall mates, chat them up for a little and get a few games on pong in. After about 20 minutes, I realize how cute the blonde is and I decide to approach her.

THE APPROACH
She's on her laptop with headphones. I calmly walk over to her table and sit next her. She looks up and takes her headphones out, I then say:

"Hi, I'm Nick, whats your name?" With a genuine smile on my face

"I'm Kay, nice to meet you!" she responds.

I'm genuinely surprised and happy about how warm and receptive she is. Maybe my fundamentals are really starting to come together?

"So what are up to on this lovely Saturday evening" I say with a slightly humorous/sarcastic tone. I'm hoping there was a sexual tone in therw somewhere too, probably not.

She laughs and smiles (I notice she has the exact same smile as an ex of mine and this distracts me a little, but in a good way, it makes me happy)

"Oh, I'm just looking up summer internships...yadda yadda yadda."

So the conversation starts and I manage to deep dive pretty quickly. She tells me about her dreams of being a ballet dancer, how she wants to travel, this and that. I make some pretty solid reads on her and she seems happy and surprised on how well I can read her. We talk about some mutual friends too. She's in the same sorority as a girl (A) who is very close to another girl (B) in my dorm with whom I had a messy falling out with. Not sure why I brought up (A) but I bet (A) will eventually tell Kay about (B) at some point. I realize all of this after, of course. The only thing I have going for me is I'm pretty friendly toward (A) and I think (A) thinks I'm cute so maybe she'll be cool about it? Who knows?

I get her number, a swap that seemed pretty natural to me, and we talk a little more. About 15-20 minutes into our conversation her friend calls her on the phone. She tells me that she's gonna take it and looking back, that should've been my queue to leave. I miss it however, (I say "its fine" with a smile on my face) and I sit there looking down on my phone and texting people. (I've already made a note to be more socially savvy about this) I realize that this is a long phone conversation so 5 minutes later I get up and walk over to my friends again. I hang out with the guys for another 20 minutes and then we head up. As we're leaving the lobby I pass by her table and tell her it was nice to meet her and that I'll see her around. She says "Thanks for talking to me." with a smile on her face.

Some other notes on this interaction:

I don't think our conversation was very verbally flirtatious. I'm pretty sure my body language and vocal tone were sexual, but my intentions could have been more clear. I recall her commenting on how forward and aggressive I was by just sitting down and talking to a random girl. I think it was a compliment.

TEXTING AND SETTING UP THE DATE
The next day, Sunday, I shoot her a text. Here is our conversation:

Me: "Hey Kay it was great meeting you last night! Let me know what your schedule is like for this week, I would love to meet up again over coffee or something -Nick"

2 hours later

Her: "Yea it was really refreshing to meet someone interesting I would love to get coffee or something. Does Wednesday work for you?

30 minutes later

Me: "Hmm...I'm afraid Wednesday is no good for me. But I am free most of Tuesday, I'm sure a busy girl like you could make some time...lol say around 6"

1 hour later

Her: "Alrighty maybe I can make that work with my schedule where are we meeting"

1 hour later

Me: "Definitely [here]. (I tell her a popular fro-yo place near campus) Meet me there...and don't be late missy! "

1 1/2 hours later

Her: "Haha alright ill see what I can do "

THE FLAKE

So that was all on Sunday. On Monday, I don't text her at all. On Tuesday I was going to send a follow up text in the morning like "So are we still up for frozen yogurt tonight?" or something to that effect, but she beats me too it and texts me at 11 AM:

Her: "Yo I signed up for this dance thing at 6 today and then I'm going to a Passover sedur so maybe we can meet again in our dorm sometime? Sorry!"

I thought the whole "yo" thing was a bit out of place for someone who seemed pretty girly, it kind of took me off guard. Anyway I text her back three hours later:

Me: "Hmm maybe...we'll see lol"

And that is where it ends. I think some of the causes are 1) that mutual friend saying something bad about me 2) she didn't get to know ME that well, and might have been uncomfortable meeting a stranger somewhere or 3) that awkward moment where I just sat there while she spoke on the phone.

Anyway, feel free to critique! Personally, I think I did awesome and this has been a serious step up from some of my other attempts at pick up, but I want to improve sooooo badly. I genuinely feel I'm right on the cusp of pulling a lot of things together and seriously stepping on my game.

 

[Chase]

Nick-

Great work making some strides here. Seems like the girl was interested, but in an on-the-fence kind of way, mostly just because of the few mistakes that you're already aware of.

Thoughts:

So the conversation starts and I manage to deep dive pretty quickly. She tells me about her dreams of being a ballet dancer, how she wants to travel, this and that. I make some pretty solid reads on her and she seems happy and surprised on how well I can read her. We talk about some mutual friends too. She's in the same sorority as a girl (A) who is very close to another girl (B) in my dorm with whom I had a messy falling out with. Not sure why I brought up (A) but I bet (A) will eventually tell Kay about (B) at some point. I realize all of this after, of course. The only thing I have going for me is I'm pretty friendly toward (A) and I think (A) thinks I'm cute so maybe she'll be cool about it? Who knows?

Keep this article in mind: The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends

When it comes to connections, generally speaking, the more people she feels like you have in common, the more cautious she's going to be, and the more likely she is to decide it just isn't worth the "risk" in the first place at all. When you're meeting a new girl, and you start hearing, "Oh, you know X? That's crazy, X is my best friend!" you typically want to be saying to yourself, "Oh NO, I'm a reputation risk now. Arrrghh!" It's better to not mention specific people and let her just assume you're some anonymous guy she can be completely free and open with and not worry about social repercussions.

Her knowing you knew mutual people almost certainly contributed to the flake. Because then the question in her mind isn't just, "Do I want to see Nick again?" but, "Do I want to see Nick again enough that I'll be okay explaining to A why I wanted to see Nick again, what I thought of him, and how our date went because she might hear it from him anyway?" and that question is a lot more likely to get a "no, not really" than the first one is.

I get her number, a swap that seemed pretty natural to me, and we talk a little more. About 15-20 minutes into our conversation her friend calls her on the phone. She tells me that she's gonna take it and looking back, that should've been my queue to leave. I miss it however, (I say "its fine" with a smile on my face) and I sit there looking down on my phone and texting people. (I've already made a note to be more socially savvy about this)

Great realization here. That happens. Much of your learning of social norms is going to need to come through little faux pas and awkward moments like this. Once it's happened once or twice, it'll stop happening because you'll see it coming and make sure you avoid it happening again.

She says "Thanks for talking to me." with a smile on her face.

That's a platonic, "Let me take care of his emotions and be nice," message - probably more a result of the shared social circle (making you too high risk as a lover) and the phone call faux pas (one little thing like that can have an amazingly profound impact on how a woman sees you - one minute she may be thinking, "Hmm, he's cute!" and the next it's, "Oh... he doesn't get it. He'd probably be awkward to have around"). Kind of not fair, but you'll get better at these things fast.

Her: "Yea it was really refreshing to meet someone interesting I would love to get coffee or something. Does Wednesday work for you?

Good so far.

Me: "Hmm...I'm afraid Wednesday is no good for me. But I am free most of Tuesday, I'm sure a busy girl like you could make some time...lol say around 6"

Generally you want to give options, so that the girl doesn't feel like you're shoehorning her into your schedule. That'd look more like this:

Nick: Wednesday I can't swing - chem lab all day. Tuesday or Thursday work for you, afternoon/evening?

She'll pick a day, then you'll ask what hours she's free, then you'll decide on hours, pick a spot, and you're good.

So that was all on Sunday. On Monday, I don't text her at all. On Tuesday I was going to send a follow up text in the morning like "So are we still up for frozen yogurt tonight?" or something to that effect, but she beats me too it and texts me at 11 AM:

Her: "Yo I signed up for this dance thing at 6 today and then I'm going to a Passover sedur so maybe we can meet again in our dorm sometime? Sorry!"

I thought the whole "yo" thing was a bit out of place for someone who seemed pretty girly, it kind of took me off guard.

The fact that she texted you that early means she was thinking about it and got uncomfortable and wanted to cancel proactively to stop worrying about it. Could've been she talked to the friend, but more likely it was just the fact that there was that mutual friend, plus the impression the faux pas at the end leaves on her. Something changed in her because she was down to go out earlier on... probably just too much thinking / ruminating / obsessing over the little details. At least she's thinking about you, right?

And that is where it ends. I think some of the causes are 1) that mutual friend saying something bad about me 2) she didn't get to know ME that well, and might have been uncomfortable meeting a stranger somewhere or 3) that awkward moment where I just sat there while she spoke on the phone.

Anyway, feel free to critique! Personally, I think I did awesome and this has been a serious step up from some of my other attempts at pick up, but I want to improve sooooo badly. I genuinely feel I'm right on the cusp of pulling a lot of things together and seriously stepping on my game.

I'd try inviting her out to a party. Attraction's low / faded at this point, so you need a reset. If she sees you at a party and if you're a cool / the coolest guy there, it may give you a boost. Of course, there's always the risk other guys close in on her, so it's a bit of a gamble - you've got to be willing to gamble and lose if you want to try to gamble and win there, too. If you'd prefer to play it safer (but have lower odds), you could try building intrigue over text (can't put my finger on it, but I feel like a phone call's a bad idea with this one):

Text Message Flirting

I don't recommend that article much anymore since I think it's usually better to keep texts short and to-the-point, but it might be worth trying to build up some fun / interest / intrigue here (like the RWIG from How to Text Girls: 20 More Tips and Techniques).

All-in-all, great job pushing the boundaries on your comfort zone, Nick, and good to see you making headway and approaches.

Chase

 

[Nick]

Hey thanks for such a detailed response!

I was also thinking about not following up at all on this one, considering there are 20,000 plus girls at my school. (My college is fairly large to say the least) I figure I can just approach ten more girls and not make the same mistakes again.