Get Pussy Or Die Tryin'

[Hue]

Having alotta fun out here. Also been going out WAY too much and need to slow down on the partying. Working everyday for the next 8 days then vacation. Thinking about going sober again so I can get into writing.

LR: Only If You Don't Tell

This has been a long time coming. Somewhere in my journal I mention a new girl who is totally my type (kinda rebellious, emo look to her, which I find edgy and hot) at the place I used to work. Let's call her Deathcab. I said I wouldn't fuck her because she has gotten worked up about the male patriarchy to me before and that makes for easy paranoia.

So she ended up banging my friend, Speedo, who is the other straight server at my old place of work. He's a good looking guy who is overall charismatic. I went on vacation with him and sorta coached him on some of his insecurities and since then he's been KILLING it with girls (=

Makes me wanna life coach ;P

But yea they ended up banging and he told everyone.

This made her sad, because she trusted him with her pussy. When a girl fucks you, they are giving you a lot of power. A girls reputation is largely based off of who she fucks / how promiscuous she is. He told everyone (like a douchebag) because he, like many of us, gets quite a bit of validation from sleeping with hot girls. So rumors have been circling.

I'm kinda disappointed in him, because their sex was apparently pretty bad. She wasn't shaven, and he spoke on that (but now that I've seen her pussy, it's fine - she's well groomed down there so the hair isn't gross by any means... or maybe she just shaved, idk). Also, he said that he couldn't get it up, but didn't say why. Now I know it's because he had whiskey dick, but he made it sound like it was because he wasn't attracted enough to her.

This was all to cover his own ass for giving her bad sex.



So, I'm out on a tuesday (?) night, with my old coworkers. We bounce around a couple places. My reputation has been much higher with them since I banged this hot girl in the social circle (imagine that!). We eventually end up at this quirky place, with two new girls there. One of them is crazy and wants to bang Speedo. She's hot, but nuts. She tried to bang me last week and I turned her down. The other is much more stable (seemingly cooler, too) and really cute.

I talk with the stable one for a while about a mix of stuff from buddhism to working in the industry to sex - and I low key throw Speedo under the bus for helping him out with women (selfish move on my part, but it was honest. perhaps came off as qualifying which is no good, but ah well). She's clearly into me, and is letting me touch her, and gives me her number.

As I'm making things spark with her, Deathcab starts to notice. I asked Deathcab home about 2 weeks ago, but she had just banged Speedo. Speedo was also out while I was with her so I highly doubt she was willing to look like a slut to anybody, and she turned me down. I knew this when I asked her - I just didn't care.

But now she see's me hitting it off with the new girl. She yells to me, since I haven't talked to her a whole lot yet. "Hue!!!! Come talk to me!". I eventually make it over to her. We're also the last people in the bar so we all kinda get forced out and start walking home. It quickly becomes me, the new girl, her friend, and Deathcab. I have to make a decision if I'm gonna push for the new girl tonight, or roll the dice with Deathcab by walking her home.

Since the new girl is with her friend, I decide that it will be too high of risk for her to fuck me. She literally met me an hour ago, and probably won't wanna look like a slut to her friend or anybody else - she just joined the social circle after all. This ends up biting me in the ass because Speedo ended up getting lunch with her and fucking her - good looks bro (;

So I decide to get her number and make plans for later that night, and begin walking Deathcab home. I try to keep good emotions the entire time, since I haven't talked to her all that much. We walk for about 10 minutes and arrive at her apartment. I know she low key wants me to come in, so I ask if I can have a glass of water. She says yes.

We sit in her kitchen and make idle conversation. I sit so that I'm facing her and our legs are touching. I ask if I can see her room and she's resistant. She says its' messy and she doesn't want me to see. I say I don't care how she's doing on cleanliness, but I want a tour. She's still resistant. Here I make things very sexual with laser eye contact and a slow, smooth drawl and deep tone.

"Well Deathcab... I think we both know that's not why I want to go up there..."

She gets super nervous and hides her face. Bingo.

"What?" I say, and keep staring at her.

She stays nervous and doesn't know how to handle me, so I lead.

"Let's at least take a seat somewhere more comfy, we don't have to go to your room right now".

"okay!" she says.


We sit on her couch and she tells me all about Speedo. She really opens up to me. I sit there an listen to how she feels as a woman that he would betray her trust, and how hard it is trying to be single. She sees everyone at work, hears about their sex lives, and wants to be just like them. But then she tries hooking up with someone and the spill it to everybody - and she as a woman gets all the repuation flak and the shit talk on her, while the guy gets to waltz around with his huge (small) dick.

It really sucks, the way she put it. We're pretty lucky being guys, gentlemen - at least when it comes to sexual shaming.

I listen to her empathetically. Eventually I tell her that since my vacation I've realized the importance of respecting women to the core, and I have no interest in telling people about who I sleep with, it's simply none of their business. I questioned even writing this LR. Since it's anonymous, I decided I would share, but you people reading this are literally the only people who know... I still haven't told a soul and I don't plan on it.

She goes on to tell me how she was sexually assaulted by one of her friends, and goes into great detail. I listen intently. She's opening up to me, and deserves to be fully listened to and understood. I return conversation with how I interpret her feelings, but nothing more. This is her time to speak and feel accepted.

When she finishes, we sit there in silence for a bit and allow it to soak in. She then leaves to use the bathroom. When she sits back down, I thank her for sharing, and then make light of it by saying how dramatic we both are, and kiss her.

She falls into my kiss and then makes sure I won't tell anybody - it would look terrible for her to fuck the two straight guys, especially since they're good friends who just returned from vacation together. I signal that I understand and that she has nothing to worry about, and that any and everything that is discussed stays in this room with us, together, and goes nowhere else. I'm breaking that right now, but I understand it's for the greater good by letting other people know the depth of really not kissing and telling.

Don't do it.

If you have to brag, brag here.

But don't play with the power women give you.

Because that power means something.

And you wouldn't even have it if it were not for her.


We start hooking up on the couch, and quickly proceed to her room. For personal reasons on her behalf I don't stay after taking her as a lover. I text her later that day to make sure she is well rested enough for work, and we both return to our lives as if it never happened.

 

[Hue]

LR: One Juicy Slider - Whitecastle Pull

I went out to get laid last night. I ended up going out with some less than fun coworkers, and then opening up this cute blonde at a bar. She happened to to got my old school. I quickly befriend the entire group and join their night, ditching my coworkers.

For about 2 hours I parade the streets with these women - it was so much fun. Half of them were pretty hot and I got two of their numbers. Eventually our interests disengaged and the hottest left for her friends house. I'll be inviting her for a date in June.

I leave to a divey bar and can't find anyone worth banging really. I approach one girl but can't get it off the ground and basically come off like a total weirdo. Fuck, I need to watch it there. So many people from my work hang out there and I can't be seen mass approaching / striking out / being a guy who picks up girls. Not a good look.

I decide to call it but still pat myself on the back for having a great night with multiple attractive women out of the blue. I go into white castle.

This stunning mixed girl from my old school is there and signals over to me. We used to party together but she had a boyfriend all of college. I hug her and order my food. One bbq slider. It was juicy and savory, much like this girl's pussy. I sit with her and all her coworkers. I chit chat and talk, and actually end up asking my girl to get drinks later this week. She agrees and I get her number, then talk to her little from her sorority. They're both into me. I make a threesome joke, and they stay enthralled in my conversation.

Next thing I know all her coworkers have left. It's just them and I at the table. I ask them if they'd like to keep hanging out and have a drink at my house. They say no, but there's plenty of alcohol a there's. "Sounds like a fun time", I say.

We walk to her house, make cocktails, and sit and talk about our old school. It's fun for a while but gets very late.

I finish my cocktail and then ask my girl for "help" making the next one. She comes over and leaves her friend in the other room. Once we're tucked in the kitchen I pull her into me and make out with her, and grab her ass. We continue to make the drink as if nothing happened, then return.

You can communicate a lot of things, despite saying nothing at all.

I make a sexual joke and then hit the bathroom, and my girl says that her friend should go to bed. I come back and ask the friend where she is sleeping. She says "right here", which is the couch I'm on. I say "well I guess I'll be going upstairs then" and make a strong look at my girl. She excitedly says "I guess so".

We go up, and get straight to it. She has a fucking GORGEOUS body. One of the hottest chicks I've fucked.

This morning I had to be a little more aggressive, as she wanted to sleep. I pushed through it, ate the shit out of her pussy while fingering her, and fucked her twice. Didn't feel a lot of connection with the pillow talk, to be honest. Oh well.

Yea, that was really fun.



So yea. Get a slider, it's what you crave.

 

[Hue]

Journal Update - Summer 2019

Been busy as fuck at work, as well as needing to journal less. My analysis is usually in my head and an in the moment thing. Been writing shit in my phone about psychology in general, rather than ripping out massive FR's to learn. That said I think I'll be putting more content up soon.

Basically tried to write an "article" in a reply to GP. I think I did a good job, but I missed a sentence of super shitty writing in the very beginning (the most important part) and rereading it the next day had me kicking myself. Expect more big ass posts like that from me.

I'm writing more in general and am about to start making content of my own. As far as stuff specifically about women I think I'll keep that on here though, unless it's with content that the rest of the world can handle. It simply wouldn't help me in my long term goals to put my face out there in the seduction world. My face would mean being undeniably identifiable. Since getting my PhD / getting into the life coaching world is something I'd like to pursue, I choose to remain anonymous.. Academia has become increasingly PC and seems to still be moving that direction as of now, and that could blemish my chances of success over at the ivory tower.

I want to bridge the gap between blue pill and red pill "communities" if you will. I think there's a lot to be learned from a holistic understanding of both in that people create narratives in their heads, period, to fulfill utilities. If the "red pilled" (and I don't just mean reddit, I mean the dark web) community really wants people to become aware of what life is and how a lot of the narratives we're told about society are bullshit, they should address the issues in a way that caters to people who aren't aware of those thing yet.... not jump at the opportunity to see someone as a blue beta cuck or dismiss their opinions so readily.

Want to start a vlog / podcast. Hmu if you're interested and actually have experience in content creation. My last startup was fucking terrible because of who I worked with and I'm not interested in that shit unless it's with people that actually have at least some emotional intelligence.




Failed to seduce Whitecastle girl about a week after we banged. Spontaneously saw her out, got her home, but couldn't fuck. Used a very unattractive word as I was ramping touch and sexual topics, and we both lost our shit laughing. Hilarious, but killed the vibe.

Then this Thursday I was texting her about meeting up, we met up, I fucked her hard, and then left. She's only in town another month so I'm trying to smash as many times as possible before she goes.


The girl from my 2nd LR last month I've fucked about... 6 separate occasions since our first night together. She's stayed the night or I will, the sex is great, and we always see eachother out. Neither of us want a relationshippy relationship, so this is a really solid open relationship / fuck buddy scenario. Definitely got her in the rotation.



Not interested in banging Deathcab again. She's hot, but not sexy, you know?

Because of my poor performance in bed with the girl from my table I don't think I'll be getting her again. Also her friend wants to fuck me so.....


Will be posting a OR/LR soon. Wanted to get over here and throw some shit on here.




Social Circle is going solid. Carving my place in the scene I'm entering, and am mostly well recieved. Have to be picky about who I fuck, which is hard when you're just looking for a nut.

Think I finally found a guy that I could wingman with very well. He's BMOC, several years older than me, and has great fundamentals. Confident, funny, and playful. Definitely seem to have a high lay count.

I'm slowly but surely becoming more of a Slowburn myself, and am starting to prefer lower energy seductions. His style can be a bit much to handle for some people, so we could effectively balance eachother out.



For someone who's interested in so many things, I'm learning to I really have to channel my energy and work ethic into very specialized areas for that time and effort to produce anything meaningful.

 

[Hue]

Went to a music festival this weekend. Last year I had a very powerful experience with a girl and I still see it as LAFS.

I wanted it to happen again this year. I wanted it bad. The first couple days I cold approached two hot latina girls, and my buddy paired up with the cooler one. She had a better personality, was more flirtatious, and simply held better conversation. He just got out of a relationship and I wanted him to get laid, so despite liking the other one less, did my best to maintain the vibes and the dynamic. I wingmanned hard.

When I shot my shot I got rejected, but she was definitely still interested in me. Eventually because of the shit I was on my memory went out the window and I was scrambling for conversation. I assigned a NEED to fuck this girl, instead of going with the flow or recognizing my abundance at the music festival. Attraction plummeted, needless to say. Through hanging out with these girls the rest of the weekend, they were very fun and I still learned a lot from them.

There was a girl I quickly roped in, but when I tried kissing her I felt absolutely nothing. No fireworks, nothing. Not like the year before. I was disappointed and friendzoned her.

One of the last nights I almost pulled another cold approach threesome. We were sitting on one of their beds in a tent talking about highly sexual topics, and I made a slight error. I simply asked, "you guys want to have a threesome?", instead of just escalating. "Win through actions, not argument" as Robert Green says. Hindsight, one of them was being very submissive to me and I could have used her arousal to bring the other one along. They were both married and said they would definitely do it if they weren't. So in that case I just need to break one of them, then the cheating would become the norm and possibly sway the other in that direction. Either way it was a very fun night with the two ladies, and they gave me props for asking them to.


Got in touch with my spiritual side, to say the least (=


Reconnected with Piercings and had her over for some really solid sex. She's more into me and I'm more into her than most girls I've ever fucked. I feel like I'm "enough" with her, and realize that even though I've banged my share of hot girls I still pedestal them as higher value than me. Need to work on that before I can truly call myself abundant.

 

[Hue]

Wednesday

Had this girl who've we've been having logistical problems with meeting and trouble with flaking invite me to a bar, then immediately leave with one of her friends who's outta town. I persisted and she didn't. I gave her a wtf? face and then she left. She texted me apologizing and I just sent back "all good". Not persisting anymore with her. Balls in her court.

Thursday

Was out all day with THE BOYS and some of our old girls. The girls don't really give me much a time of day anymore probably because of some issues with me basically going my own way in the group. It's not a hot kind of edgy for them I guess. That said there is this one girl who I totally feel like I could hit it off with given the right circumstances.

King leads the group and I give mad props to him - I simply don't have the energy for that shit with these girls.. they're pretty demanding and it can be hard to keep them entertained. Also anything that I would have done would have been an "attempt to seize power" which is honestly pointless. I don't want the crown and it would be obvious if I were to try.

One guy we're with thinks it would be funny to strangle me. He does, I don't react until he actually hits my windpipe, and then when he lets go I tell him that if he does that again I'm gonna fuck his shit up. He tries apologizing and I essentially just don't accept the apology. You don't fuck with me like that. He gets very down spirited and leaves the group.

Eventually I leave to wingman with The Australian. We are in good spirits. The first girls we try are hardcore christians. They were hot but no thanks, too much effort. The next group we try is clearly just not interested. The next girl the boyfriend immediatley comes up hahahaha.

The Australian's friend is there and she wants to lose her virginity. She's a HB6, tops. I contemplate simply fucking her for the hell of it and to help her out and get over it. At first she's hesitant because there's some guy at the bar she wants to fuck, but he denies her. Then she cries her eyes out. I immediatley pull back on the whole idea of fucking her, which of course makes her want to fuck me bad. Super cringeworthy situation.

At one point I sat down with two girls and asked them what they thought about it, and this super cute red head across from me is explaining why I shouldn't fuck her. The whole time she seems intrigued and a little nervous about me. She has a boyfriend, but is clearly very attracted because I'm showing my abundance and probalby some other attractive traits. I get her number and we agree to get coffee. Probably better to do that than to try to steal her from her friends that night, but we'll see.

Then I see the girl who I just recently banged from my table talking with the guy who tried to strangle me. I've since forgiven him, now that he's learned his lesson. I try to slide in and steal her away because I do like her, and just feel like I didn't fuck her well enough. There really is no other reason she would ghost me after the fuck, we totally hit it off.

We talk and then It looks like he's gonna steal her away. I bring up our date and even how the sex was probably bad for her, and I show my vulnerability. She gave me a slightly concerned look and I couldn't tell if it was because she was on the defensive or because she cared for my vulnerability. She's a very quiet and observant girl. I go back outside with The Australian. As they are officially leaving I run up to her and throw a hail mary. She says she's with the strangler tonight. I ask, "are you fucking him?" and she says yes with a sad face. I tell her "that's okay, but I had to try. I would be forever kicking myself if I didn't try."

This was either romantic as hell or totally creepy, and I can't tell.

We do see them at another bar and I try to squash the beef with the strangler but he just keeps walking. The girls friend gives me a friendly "hey Hue!" (= when we walked in.

Eventually we call it and walk back. We stop for some food before getting to my house. I see a girl in there and decide I'm just gonna go for it. I totally fuck up though. I go straight up to her the moment she's done getting her food and ask if she wants to step outside for a quick sec, with a highly sexual vibe. She smiles like, "is this guy serious?" and says okay and we walk outside.

I nearly pin her on the wall and start making out with her, but something stops me. It's too aggressive and too public. Because I hesitate she autorejects, smiling the whole time. Two black dudes start chirping the hell out of me. I pop back in and grab The Australian, and leave. We almost get in a fight with the two dudes but I say we're not interested.

Kind of an all over the place night.

And for some reason, I feel fucking great.

I feel totally in my skin.

Honest.

Maybe it was the drugs I took, maybe it's because I've found myself - or both.

Hard to say at the moment, haha... but I think this summer is about to get interesting.

 

[Hue]

Last saturday I got challenged to flirt with a girl at my table. I did, we went on a date, and I wasn't very attracted to her. Yet, I went through the motions and had her totally into me by the end. I realized my power in the situation, and after she gave a weak decline to come in with me I just said "okay!". Then she tried to schedule another date right there and I realized I had boyfriend zoned myself with investment requests coming from her.

Fuck, I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

Sent her a "I think it would be a better idea if we didn't keep moving along" text yesterday.

Tuesday

Number from work. High engagement, and have a date lined up. She's sending winky faces so ayyyyyyy ;P

Basically all I did was tease the table about being sorority girls, be witty and use pregnant pauses.

Wednesday

Had a lay up opportunity after my best shift ever money wise. Really fun industry night, but I got caught up in the excitement and didn't make my move fast enough. Important reminder to not get distracted.

Then a gay guy who I was mad tight with last year was telling me my FB was talking shit about me, but that she talks up my dick to other people. We talk and I eventually say that I don't care if she fucks other guys, so she shouldn't talk shit on me for fucking other girls (if that's what it's about) and he goes onto fucking slut shame me and say I have no capacity for deeper emotional relationships.

I get mad, defend myself, and finally tell him to fuck off before paying my tab and leaving.

I'm getting to the point where I'm getting emotional investment quickly from girls, and I've never had more intimate sex than now, or been as good at making girls cum as I am now. I'm taking steps toward being more of a lover and I'm progressing, so fuck off with your damn fuckboy slut shaming.

(=

Thursday

Went to my old stomping grounds. Feel like I'm too old for this shit. Girls get really excited by me at first and then their friends cock block me by shaming their friend. Classic college girl behavior

Ah well, it's their loss.

A guy from the industry, let's call him Burrito Bro saw me out and made plans for us to go pick up bitches for Friday. Him seeing me, knowing me, and then asking me to join him out to game girls was a little different for me but overall good - definitely flattering!

Friday

LR: Birthday Sex

I start at my old bar, and open two black girls. One of them mozeys on over to me and lays on me while I'm sitting at the bar, then she says she's a great hugger and gives me a pretty intense hug, then goes back to having her ass on my leg. They eventually leave, but this did wonders for my confidence going into the night.

As I'm closing my tab a blonde opens me. Her and her friend are drunk as shit. They don't give me much with conversation, oddly enough. I eventually just kinda go "okay... gonna go now lol" because they weren't saying shit. Probably just drunk.


I go to another place to wait on Day One and get opened by a girl from the industry who recognizes me. She's mad cute and I was hitting it off with her around a month ago when we met. She's definitely into me and my buddy sees us talking and thought I was gonna pull her right there, despite her being clocked in.

We leave to meet the guy from Thursday, and roll into the bar in high spirits. Immediately we're having a good time with everyone, sharing laughs, getting shots, and all that bullshit. I see a fine black girl across the bar and go straight over. We play one of those mini basketball games and I flirt. She's beautiful up close. This really creepy older dude comes up and asks her if she models, then eventually fucks off.

I invite the girls to come hang with my friends and I and point us out, but they give me a maybe. As I'm walking away like "okay! we'll be over there!" the beautiful one runs back to me and says "wait! I never got your name!". I give a lingering handshake and tell her, then continue.


We're hanging around that area for another 10-15 minutes before this girl is hardcore eye fucking Day One and so I open her. Almost instantly, we are all locked in with girls. A big group of 25-29 y/o's blends in with ours and everyone is talking to someone.

They go back and forth about touching some guys nipple being a "birthday challenge" and I chase frame them for picking us. Day One does his usual quirky self-deprecating game with teasing and it works fine with his girl. I flirt with the birthday girl because 1). I love giving presents and 2). she's got a pretty german look to her with blue eyes and blonde hair with a pretty good body.. a strong HB6 to light HB7 if you will.

I felt in full control of the situation the entire time and as if I was synced with the girls even more than I was with the guys.

Eventually Burrito Bro has this hot lil mama sitting on his lap. She's got a little bit of gut, but I love her face. So cute and sexy. She motions me over amidst all the bantering and teasing between everyone.

Lil Mama: Are you gonna give my friend birthday sex?
Me: That can be arranged...
Me: Let me think about it (;
Lil Mama: *sexy stare*

Yea that got me half chub when she said it. Just the way she said it was... pretty erotic lol.

MInutes later Burrito Bro leaves with her. Honestly, I barely talked to him hahaha. He wanted to go out with me to get laid and 1 hour later *boom* get's laid lol.

After this there was some competition from older guys who were flirting with my girl and Day One's girl. I pull her back into me by getting us shots and eventually just calling the birthday girls name and pulling her closer to me. I suggest we go to another bar that doesn't close until 2:30 and she's down. Then fucking Day One objects, "that place is gross!", like an idiot. So we had to recover from that because it made my girl question going, as well as question Day One's plan to take his girl home by creating a disagreement.

Then I guess he said something dumb to his girl, and they both leave just before bar close. He comes to me like "I fucked it up man I fucked it up" and I just tell him to relax. I take a glance over to the bar and subtly motion that "look, they're just dancing. be patient". As expected, they come back our way. I go up to them and say we can go walk towards the bar I mentioned, and if not we'll just get a late night slice of pizza. This is just the two girls now.

They're down, and we start moving. That's the important thing really, they're leaving with us to go do *something*. We actually change our plans along the walk, but finally decide on pizza. In the line Day One gets a text from his FB and ejects without saying anything. For a moment I think about trying to pull a threesome, but I don't think they'd be down.

The line is moving extremely slow so I suggest street meat instead. My girls friend starts to call and uber.

I started to worry a little bit about her calling the uber. My technical pua brain says "wait! you have to bring her home! don't let her lead this another direction!", and I calmly ask the friend if I can steal the birthday girl away. She asks, "can you come with us back to our place?" and I agree. I walk back over to birthday girl and she is buying my street meat (=

The point here is sometimes you really just have to go with where the winds blowing. Had I been dogmatic and too technical in the seduction I could have ruined the party for us.

We get in the uber and have a really fun time with pretty sexual conversation. Lol I don't really remember it but it was hilarious. At her house we eat food, eat cake, and play music. I also watch them clean their house after going out (something I could never do) and I tease / applaud them for it. Their apartment is gorgeous.

The friend leaves for the bathroom for a second. Birthday girl and I immediately look at eachother at the same time, and start making out. I pull off first. We keep hanging out until finally the friend goes to bed. Birthday girl and I start hooking up on the couch, and I eventually move her to her bed.

Our clothes start coming off and we get down to our underwear. I start kissing all over her body and meet some LMR right before I eat her out. She says "you don't know me". I quickly say, romantically, "I may have just met you, but I know that I felt synced to you and your friend from the get go, don't you agree it's been that way the whole night? from the moment we started talking?", and she gives me a glimmering stare and says yes.

I go back to kissing her body and she whispers, "I want you to fuck me". I keep up with the foreplay (she has the nicest little clit to play with) and after she orgasms I go to fucking town on this bitch. We fuck all night, then twice in the morning. She compliments me on my stamina and says it's impressive.

In the morning after the pillow talk I say, "do this again some time?" and she puts her number in my phone. I give her a passionate kiss and walk out of the apartment, slowly putting together where the fuck I am and how to get home.

 

[Hue]

Thursday

Went out solo. Started with a really nice cocktail at a bar next to my new apt, then moved closer to the city where I knew some of my friends were. I chit chat with them and squash some beef with one of the guys in my circle. I jump to another bar with him for a shot, then once it hits midnight really start the prowl to pull some girls.

I got to a few places and find a whole lotta nothing, so I just say fuck it and go to this club that has cheap deals for thursday, where everyone usually is. Tons of girls here. I start off with this brunette girl and chit chat, I can tell she's interested but she doesn't engage that much.

So I bounce to another group of girls on the other side of the club - one blonde I know and the other I don't (who I'm definitely tryna smash). I flirt with both of them equally, until they have to go to the bathroom. When they do I mozey over to a different area, then this guy who apparently knows me starts talking to me with two girls.

He's fucking hammered and goes back to dancing with his girl, so I chat up the girls friend, a pretty brunette. She's got a big day tomorrow and is in the world of politics, which I find interesting and respect the fact that she's going out to party the night before. She has a look in her eye like "this guy is totally hot but I feel like he does this a lot", and then leaves to the bathroom.

I return to the blondes and then move them to another bar after some banter. I mention my new apartment being only a few blocks away. We go to the next bar and get a drink. I bring up the polymary study. The girl I know gets excited and says that me bringing this up tells them a lot about the kind of person I am. I invite them back to my house for a shot after some banter, feeling high spirited. I'm totally going for the threesome at this point in time, having been flirting and touching them equally.

Back at my apartment we put on music and party a little bit, just us three. At one point the blonde I know leaves to the bathroom, so I escalate with the other one and kiss her. I think she pulled off first, which is lame. She comes back and now her and I are sitting on the couch with her legs in my lap and hands. I'm practically feeling up her pussy with where my hands are moving, and we just sit and keep talking.

I suggest we go into my room, but my conversation kept getting derailed by the blonde I know, so my plausible deniability was chopped a bit. I should have said we go see my guitar in there, since my roommate has his lying in the living room for the moment. That probably would have worked, and then we could have sat on my bed.

The blonde I'm yet to escalate with is starting to try to steer the situation more and more, and cock blocking her friend and I all the while. At this point, logistics fuck me - the blonde I know is only visiting town and staying with her friend, which means she needs a place to stay. Since I couldn't get us in my room, I couldn't suggest they both stay over.

Well I could have, but I doubt it would have worked given her being controlling and cockblocking.

They call an uber home, and I walk them out. The girl I kissed has to "come back in to get something" and I take this as an opportunity to escalate once more. We make out pretty aggressively for a couple seconds, and I pick her up and hold her ass as we do it, but then she jumps off. After this I tone down my aggression and walk her out, making sure to be more delicate and friendly without coming off as submissive.

Then she calls me about something giggling on the phone. Perhaps I should have invited her back over, but, eh...



Friday

Pretty weak night. I literally walked around from bar to bar by myself for like 2 hrs, and couldn't find any really hot girls. Eventually I go to the popular places where I always know people and see a girl I know from HS. I give her a very sexy look and just say "hello", and continue walking. Her and I kind of have a cat and mouse thing going on so I chose to be the cat this time.

I see Catfish and give her a sexy look, and she gives me a submissive smile. I know she still wants this dick, but getting her again will be harder than before. She's such a bitch lol.

My buddy from the party scene is there with some people. I stop in to chat with him and it all goes well. So now I feel social and a little flirty.

I see 3 brunettes and open them with my "is this a serious conversation?" and then for some reason double open with "you guys look like you're judging everyone in here". It goes fine because one girl is clearly very interested, but she's just so... bleh. Light 6. The other I want is a solid 7 with really pretty eyes, but she gets distracted early on. There's also a latina chick and she has a boyfriend. She's "mom" tonight, and is the DD.

The 6 and I quickly jump into a psychology conversation, while the mom listens. I have her hooked as hell and she's really excited. The cuter girl comes back and we get her engaged, and the open has gone successful. A guy I know comes up to me and starts talking to me, but he's fucking plastered. Kinda messed up the mojo of our group.

I suggest we all take shots, and we move to go do that. Really good preselection here. We were standing in the light next to the bar where both the inside and outside can see - and this is the most popular bar. Hopefully this helps me in the future. I didn't really plan it out to be like that, more like I realized the situation as it unfolded.

Day One shows up and I tell him to wingman for me, but he just won't jump in. Reaaally would have helped if he had. So the girls take his lack of engagement as rejection, as far as I can tell. Then his model I know of shows up to our little cloud. I fuck up here.

Me: Hey, [model]!
Model: *ditzy blonde look* Hi!
Me: I met you at [bar], with Wolf?
Model: Oh!
Model: Oh yea, you're the guy from [bar], who was with Wolf!
Me: Yea! (fucking idiot)
Model: Well it was nice to see you!

I was trying to be like, "she should be the one to invest, since she has guys hit on her all the time - my void of effort will make her invest". No, that's fucking retarded. Sure, if I'm not chasing her one we're actually in conversation, that's fine - but we weren't even there yet.

And let's be honest, that wasn't even a conversation. Truth be told, I almost wish I wasn't introduced to her. Had it been my first approach, I wouldn't be in this weird zone. Now I'm clearly an orbiter in her eyes....

Anyway, I go back to the brunettes, and I'm somewhat unaware if they had just seen what happened. That drunk dude comes back to me to say goodbye, which divets the convo again. I compliment the 7 on her eyes, and try to keep both parties engaged. We banter some more and get the ball rolling again, but not quite like our high point. I start to ask them what they're doing after all this, and they say they're going home. I say that we're gonna have an after party and they should come, but they say no, that they're fine. Perhaps I should have persisted.

They start to move and so I wait a second, then do the same. I catch the 7 on the way out and throw a hail mary. I say that I normally don't get girls numbers from bars, and she says then how about you get mine. For some fucking reason, I say, "no I don't think I should" and say goodbye. She leaves. It would have been completely fine to just grab her number and make friends with those girls, go out with them later, use them as preselection later, etc.

Now that I'm this deeply involved in this part of the city I need to make friends with girls. If I'm trying to fuck every girl that I see, and literally WON'T take girls as friends if they're not tryna fuck that very quickly allows them to write me off as a fuckboy. With this many people that know me, my reputation is quickly becoming a very important factor. I didn't see it as possible in a night scene my size.. but people talk. Guys (other than the ones that want to get laid) are repelled by a guy that only thinks about pussy. Girls (other than the ones that want the pipe) are repelled by a guy who only cares about sex. Obviously, I want and can provide more than that (emotional relationships, romance, brotherhood), but if all they see is "guy that goes out alone and tries to get pussy", then that's logically where their heads will go.

I can still be a Sigma / lone wolf type like I've been doing, but I need to nurture more friendships, if I don't want to be alienated... is what I'm trying to say.


Yea, I don't know what was up with me last night! Just a lot of moments I should have just turned right, but instead I turned left. A lot of inaction on my part.



Well, I guess I'm somewhat getting used to living next to all my favorite spots. Will be journaling a lot more. I want to get really high quality chicks by the end of this summer going into fall. I want to fuck a 10. I want a cold approach threesome. I'm gonna fucking hit those marks. Having friendships will help me get there,with shit like connections, social proof, and literally just people having my back when shit talk inevitably starts (and it's already begun, so ).

 

[Hue]

Serious Self-Reflection / Ego Dump

Chase's last article has made me realize, yet again, my problem right now stems from beliefs that still have a few hooks in my brain, further fortified by egotism.

When you run into negative emotions about the outcome of something you're doing, you HAVE TO listen to those emotions, and look for their source. You might find the source, but along the way get some mental resistance and cognitive dissonance. Your ego doesn't want to be wrong - the way you see it now is "fine". And that's BULLSHIT.

I've been really stressed out recently with a social transition period, a lack of fulfillment in my long-term goals, my current job, and my reputation with women.


Social Transition

This part is about outgrowing high school friends, since that's where most of the emotional pain is coming from..

Some of my closest friends have left to live in a different state, and there now remains only 4 of our original group that was once so close. Shit's hard. But that's growing up, and these are growing pains.

Before their leave, I saw them out, as a group, with myself uninvited. I see snapchats of them getting drunk at the bar having not texted me. When I am with them, I see that it's harder for me to jump in to the banter, because I don't think the way that I used to think. Sure, I'd still see them towards the end, but I wasn't invited to a ton of shit they were doing. They would all meet up without even attempting to contact me.

And that hurts.

I've been calling myself a pussy for getting upset about this, but nah, fuck that.

It hurts to not feel included when you once were.

It hurts, even when you know you have other relationships that you've made, and will go onto make more because of your growth.

It hurts when you grow in a different direction than your best friends.

It makes you question why. It makes you blame yourself. It makes you think that by you doing the things you've wanted to do, and changing yourself how you've changed yourself, you've somehow messed up on something that you're unaware of.

I have this voice in my head, fucking nagging away at me: "This is what you wanted isn't it? I thought you wanted to break out of your circles, hang out with newer and more interesting people, become comfortable going out alone, and become comfortable with breaking mental barriers that hold so many others back. You don't need your old friends. You wanted this!"

And maybe you did. And part of you, for sure, still DOES!

Maybe you did make some mistakes with relationship management as you grew out. Or maybe someone else made steps to ruin your reputation. Or maybe the level of respect was never their in the first place to sustain honest communication between your group. Or maybe all of those things, with certain people on certain levels. Or maybe this, or maybe that.

The truth is, it doesn't fucking matter.

All that matters is the present moment.

Are you doing what you want to be doing?

Are you moving in a direction that you want to be moving?

Are you making progress, or at least ATTEMPTING progress in your goals?

If so - good, you're on track.

If not - get to fucking work.


Next.

Long-Term Goal Fulfillment

I'm not fulfilling my long-term life goals.

I'm partying too often.

I'm drinking 4-5 days of the week.

I'm sleeping in too much.

I'm not working out enough.

I'm lacking in time-management.

All of these things are crippling some serious work that I've been putting off for MONTHS.

All those things lead to "fuck it" moments.

Half a year has gone by since I've "begun" some projects and I have almost nothing to show.

And I basically have let it go by, because why not? I have money, I have an apartment, and I have pussy coming my way. There are people that would be overjoyed to be in my position right now.. a financially independent 23 y/o male having fun and living in a city. It's SO easy for me to be "comfortable" right now.

Well comfortable isn't fulfilling.

It's short-term fun, and I know it.


What I have I done to get into grad school? What can I produce as evidence that shows I'm actually going to start making content online? Where is my research publication? When am I actually going to start?

Not enough, barely anything, I don't know, and I'm not sure.


And that's eating away at me.

Had to get that off my chest.


I know how much potential I have, and how much energy I can put into things if I just FOCUS.


Plan?

Gym --> Coffee shop, tomorrow. No excuses.

Assign a task sheet for the projects. Do not stop until you've completed the task sheet. Try to be realistic with the time you have sliced out of your day to work. DO NOT STOP UNTIL THE TASK IS DONE.

Done.


Current Job Stress

This is the most stressful job I've ever had.

That's not to say it's the hardest job in the world - it's just the most stressful one I've had.

Communication, as it turns out, is actually a total bitch to master.

Fine dining requires so much more than I was aware of.

It's a combination of learning how to always stay "on", being highly competent, resolving any and all issues with demanding customers (and while they hold you at the table for 10 minutes, making sure ALL your other tables are a-okay somehow), being charismatic and cheerful, and having the professionality of a corporate level job.

Then, everyone that works there talks shit on everybody. You have to be excelling in social circle the entire time, which means keeping it cool, being funny, and sending good vibes while all of that^ shit is piled on top of you.

It's a lot to juggle, and those that think the service industry isn't a "real job" simply don't understand it. Yes, there are higher paying jobs (I'm projected to make 50K this year) - and definitely some that require a whole lot less effort - but this shit can be hard.


My managers are some of the most socially attuned individuals that I have met.

I want to learn from them, and I know that I can learn a great deal from them.

However, I keep making social mistakes because of either miscommunications, or I'm missing opportunities to build relationships because I'm not feeling socially "on" / energetic from all the stress I'm enduring from the job itself.. and this worries me that I can be replaced.

And I can be replaced! There's hundreds if not thousands of servers in my city that could work in my position and do just as well if not better than me.

So it doesn't help that when presented with opportunities to build relationships with my managers (both in the professional security sense AND simply to experience a personal relationship with these folks) I get in my own way with my stresses and rumination on improvement.

So what are you going to do about it?

Practice mindfulness, stay in the moment, and recognize your opportunities to shine. You're good at your job and you get plenty of chances in social circle to shine. Be patient and keep getting better at what you do.

Whew.

Okay.


Women

Also, I want to fuck the hottest women in my city.

Also, I want a deep and meaningful relationship with a woman who's beautiful inside and out.

It's an obsession.

Women, rather, are an obsession.

I'm constantly watching them, listening to them, analyzing and observing them.

On a deep level, I feel like if I'm not putting in enough work improving my game, I'm fucking up.

It's become part of my identity.

Many of my friends assume I'm simply out to get girls when I go out, rather than enjoy comradery... Day One (who I tell almost everything) says I should write a book about women, for fucks sake.

This is polarizing, since most people don't understand it.

Some that have heard about my "adventures", simply think it's made up.

Others are clearly jealous.

Others, white knights, morally shame me.

But that's not your fucking problem.

That's their problem.

The problem with me is I haven't learned how to be truly discreet yet - if that even exists.

To talk about women with those that can't handle it / don't understand it becomes increasingly pointless.

Most people just don't want to talk about this shit.

So just shut the fuck up with people that can't handle it, and definitely shut the fuck up about it if the topic isn't already women.

That simple.

Okay then.




Had to get all this out. One of the best things about my journal when I was in full-on grind-season was I would do a monthly reflection and really get into shit, study myself, and observe what I had done / changed / seen. It's time to bring that back.

I'm in a really good position in my life right now to really start kicking ass with the right amount of focused work, and I feel much more optimistic that I can. Let's shave off these remnants of toxic beliefs and get back on track.

Thank you, Chase.

 

[Hue]

Wow, this is was a pretty messy meltdown...

I mean, I got a lot of my chest with it, but holy shit am I being hard on myself in this post. And taking shit too personally.

I guess that was the point of it. To just throw it all out, dump my fucking brain on the coffee table, and clean it up afterwards. Or, to smash my ego into a brick wall so that it would quit twisting things to validate feelings.

Honestly, I do feel much better today - though it's a little uncomfortable for me to even read this again.

My ego definitely has been holding me back, that's for sure.

Though I think what I'm mainly missing is just a healthy way to cope with stress, which is something I've pointed out to myself several times before.

When I'm not stressed, the responsibilities I place upon myself are way more fun than "work" and solutions come much faster.


Will definitely be doing that monthly reflection again though... as I set up my new apartment I'm already optimizing my lifestyle to become much more organized, and having a roommate that wants the same helps a shit ton (=

 

[Hue]

Recognizing Emotional Roots in Belief

Think I just hit a realization. This is something I've known, but now I see as a more practical application because of Chase's article. It allowed me to look at my psyche as much more of a schematic operation. And for cerebral people like myself and so many others in this space of the internet, perhaps this is a lot more beneficial. I got it from watching a role model, and recognizing that the reason he's such a joy to be around socially and has such a high self-esteem is because he is excellent at framing things to himself and to other people. He doesn't have many beliefs that get in his way of happiness or honest improvement, and so he brings great energy to the room and radiates growth in other people.

I've always been so focused on self improvement, but have failed to notice / let go of certain BELIEFS that are hinged in everything else. There are certain things that are beneath everything else that hook themselves in to your psyche, and that even when you're performing well in xyz areas, because some of these beliefs are underlying or still closely related to how or why you're performing in that area.. they make high performance or whatever level of performance you're at less fulfilling.

For example, if you take a look at my "Ego Dump" post earlier this week, I see a lot of the emotion stemming from a place of not feeling like I'm good enough. Not only that, it's not feeling good enough based on other people's reaction to my behavior.

1. I wasn't a good enough / cool enough friend with these people, so they no longer invite me to places like they used to (takes outcome, assigns reason to one's own incompetence),
2. I'm not good enough at my fine dining job compared to other people, so I might get fired and be replaced (compares oneself to others, assigns fearful possibility based on one's own incompetence - even though I perform just fine at my job)
3. I'm not fucking the tier of women I want to be (even though I am? I just haven't slept with a top tier woman yet), I haven't had a threesome yet (recognizes that after all this time I haven't hit my goals yet, blames self-worth instead of returning to practical solutions / readjusting mental focus)
4. People give me shit in multiple directions about women now that I'm known as a dog / always associating with women, follows with idea of not being good enough for these people (not everybody reacts well to my reputation, allows other people's opinions to permeate into my own frame of actions and self-worth)

Think of oneself like a tree. In my post, the majority of the self-hate (also, a useless practice) comes down to feeling incompetent in some direction. So, this can be considered the "root" of the negative emotion. If the "root" is an incomplete / unhealthy thought, the "branches" of the "tree" aren't going to grow properly. If I replace the root with a complete, honest, and healthy idea that can lead to a growth trajectory, then the product, after the growth is finished, is going to be much better.

So if I allow a belief like "I'm incompetent in X area" to be rooted in my emotions, I am forever allowing my emotions to be tied down to that area. That is the basis of outcome dependency. "If I'm not good in X area, then I won't be happy" isn't necessarily what you're telling yourself through words, but it's what you're teaching yourself through action.

So when you listen to your emotions, what you'll find is WHERE the belief system is going. You see what makes you feel what. By listening to the source as these emotions come up and locating the belief, you then are given the freedom to make a conscious decision to begin training yourself to change that emotional root! This is why you must first admit what you are feeling before you can get around to changing it, which is why honesty is the best policy, ESPECIALLY in the process of self-love. Because it's the only real way it allows you to learn, change course, and improve.

Right now I'm trying to write out some of the specific dynamics I can work on changing by chopping them to bits and dissecting them, just like I do with field reports. Meta-cognition, meet cognitive engineering. It can get a bit messy and technical so I'm going to polish the "drafts" before I post, it will just become too convoluted to help other people with.

Most importantly, it's about building off of healthy beliefs that once growth happens, there's not something that's "still missing", once you "get what you want". It's like how so many successful millionaires remain depressed... they spent all that time figuring out how to make money, but for the wrong reasons. Had they readjusted their direction of belief in the beginning, they might be a lot happier. Once there's a mountain of action and behavioral training of doing things for unhealthy reasons, it becomes much harder to fix.



Oh also, here's a lay report.

LR: New Apartment "Afterparty"

 

[Hue]

Fuuuck.

I banged a coworker.

She, honestly, has a terrible personality.

I was horny and wanted a nut.

This is 3 days in a row I've gotten laid, two new girls and one consistent one, so that's good.. but overall.. not really worth it.

God I hope that sentence doesn't come to haunt me.


Yea, no. Not worth it.

I made her promise that we didn't fuck, this never happened, etc. etc.

She's leaving town for a month, so I convinced myself. She had been soooo flirty at work today and I gave in.


LR: Horny Coworker

Not much to say here, but I'll give it a go.

Actually, yeah. I did learn a thing or two about low empathy girl shit tests.


So she's pretty low empathy. In her words, she really doesn't care about when people feel bad. Instead she simply sees it as an inconvenience when people are being hurt. This was a massive turn off for me, and probably something I should have taken as a huge red flag.

Fuck.

Okay, yea.. maybe this was a terrible idea. Too late now I guess...


Anyway, her and I flirt all the time at work, every time she has a shift with me. It's basically nonstop and she's worse at her job because of taking time to flirt with me. I do fine keeping balance with it, but I'm pretty sure one of my managers has a crush on me and she hates it.

I already get tons of shit about flirting with her. So at this point, if people "heard" about it, I don't see how me denying it would make any difference. I don't kiss and tell has become a mantra.

About a month and a half ago we went out to get a drink at a bar. I kissed her at the bar, then ended up at an after party with her. At the after party we sorta made out and she grabbed my dick, and I rubbed her pussy. That's about it. I invited her home but she said that she couldn't on the first "date" so we didn't.


After that I basically friend zoned her. She is annoying to drink with most of the time, and she was rude to me at a music festival that we both went to. I took time out of my fest to meet with her and she flaked twice. So I decided that it wasn't worth it, it's a coworker, and no, I probably shouldn't.

A couple saturdays ago she tried to join me for an after party on a rooftop and Day One and I happened to be with her at a nearby bar. She was drunk and annoying as fuck so we ditched her. Total basic bitch kinda behavior. Then this last thursday I was out with Burrito Bro and saw her and her friends. She was being very chasey, and I was honestly not giving her much attention.

Then I struck up convo with a girl at the bar and she autorejected. Good riddance, I thought.


Fast forward to today and she's back at work, doing the usual flirting. But this time she closed, and got off the EXACT same time I did. She asked me if I had any Monday night plans (I was really horny so I was gonna go and try to pull) but I said no and that I'd see what my phone said. In the office she asked me to meet her at the bar next door so I did.

At the bar we each have one drink. Our legs are touching, and the convo touches on some sexual notes. We move to a booth, and finish our drinks. Shortly after she says she wants to stay out, but that she has to get up early. I say that I want another drink too, and we suggest a few ideas. I suggest that she take me to my apartment, and we can have a drink there.

I'm giving her pretty strong eye contact, using light touch on her legs and arms, and teasing her. Occasionally giving her some sort of qualification, but honestly not giving her much of any validation. She eventually agrees. We get to her car and head to my house.

She likes the place, likes that I have cable, and turns on 50 shades of grey, as it just started. We watch it briefly under a blanket, and I slowly feel up her legs. She's letting me do it and I can hear her breathing getting heavy. I smell a slight odor of musk. I get up to create withdrawal, as my face was now close to hers. When I come back our faces get close again, and I go about 95 percent of the way in. She lands the kiss. We make out a little and I pull off.

I make sure she's not going to tell anyone. She says "I'm not hooking up with you" and stays inches from my face. I repeat back "this never happened, didn't happen and never will happen", as I go inches closer to her face. She wants it so bad, and kisses me again.

Shortly after we go to my room to fuck. I'm trying to give her foreplay and she literally says "can we get on with this already?" hahahaha. Jesus fucking christ this bitch is lame.

We fuck in adapted missionary, and she loves it. I don't try to give her that amazing of a time, to be completely honest. She didn't deserve my best work lol. Plus, I only had one condom, which I was definitely going to use. She leaves almost immediately after sex and I walk her to her car. Super shallow, physical sex. The fastest in and out fuck I've ever had.


Let's hope the condom was full functioning (it was kinda old) and that my precum didn't escape it, since I tend to have lots of precum. Let's also hope she sticks to her word. She's leaving town for 4 weeks, she doesn't have a place to stay, and my manager hates her. High chance she gets fired for the shit she's been pulling. Honestly, I don't care and most people won't.

lol so.. cheers? kinda feel like a fuckboy for even banging her.


But hey I was horny.

 

[Hue]

My testosterone is high as fucking shit right now.

My lays went from blonde after party girl --> Piercings --> coworker --> Thing 1 --> Dr. Blonde (birthday girl form a couple weeks ago) in a weeks span. I figured all that nutting would make me sexually satiated, but I'm hornier than ever. Dreaming about orgies and shit.

Thursday

Had a plan to go out with 3 female coworkers, but that fell through because one of them was injured. Ended up seeing that it was Thing 1's birthday on facebook, texting her and reseducing her. I started out wanting to bang one of her friends and saw a lot of female dynamics at play that night. I wish that I wrote down the FR because it really was an interesting night to be out with a bunch of women and myself, but I was so fucking exhausted and didn't go to bed until 9:00 AM.

Thing 1 and I have now agreed (because of how much drama it is with her loving me despite being deeply in love with her boyfriend) that we only fuck once a year when she comes to visit for her birthday, unless I set up a threesome with a girl that she approves of.

Not a bad gig, but fuck man she's nuts. I don't know how much I want to continue with her. Sex is also incredibly violent and I still have bite marks on my body (bad look for other girls you're already seeing because of the spike in preselection / jealousy).

Friday
Went out alone and tried to approach some armenian girls in line. They started to engage but once they had an opportunity to cut the line they did and left me. I found them again inside and one of them was interested, but also with several guys that were trying to get with her so I got lazy and ditched the effort. Bullshit, and I shouldn't be making excuses.

I approached a black girl who was clearly DTF, then met her friend who was hotter and she was too. Then the first girl goes, "well it seems like you're trying to fuck both of us so... idk" and I responded, "what, you guys don't like threesomes?" and they ejected. Hahaha. Could have been smoother with that one, for sure. "There's enough of me for both of you" is less accusative, and I could have changed the subject and kept the fun ball rolling.

Got a girls number on my way home, but it was late and never got an answer. Not surprised - fuck night game numbers.

Saturday
Vibed with another coworker all day at work and was SO fucking horny it was maddening. We had a drink after work with 3 of us then Dr. Blonde texted me (found out she has a M.D.), so I met her out and fucked her brains out. Best sex yet.

Sunday

Went out for a drink with an old friend, then a social circle gay guy I know comes up to us with a petite blonde and she's into me, so we go out to another bar. Lots of flirting and some sex talk, a lot of touching and teasing. We end up hooking up but then at some point her teasing gets kind of accusative from the alcohol mix and arousal mutually plummets. Pretty sure she's coming over tonight.

Monday

Number from work. Date with her tonight. I double booked, but I should be fine.

Flaked on a date in kind of a shitty way because I had to see my parents. Will reengage in about a week, because of her scheduling problems.

Tuesday

Spunky set up a date with me on IG and then flaked. She's been leading me on for months so I deleted her contact in my phone and blocked her shit. She's just playing validation games, I'm done with it.

 

[Hue]

Wednesday

Went on a date with this new chick. She's a little ball of fun, short blonde with nice tits. A little thicc for my taste, though. Let's call her Gumball. We have a great time until she starts drinking more (total party chick) and trying to run the date. I then realize she's probably a female player because she's trying to lead us to sex, but she wants to be the one in charge. I think she was charming me the whole time.

We make out at the bar a little bit and I ask her if she wants to fuck because I know what she's about now. She gets a little turned off at this (at least on the surface) and says that she has plenty of FB's but wants something MORE. Great, so I'm already boyfriendy space for her. I really can't think of anything I did to get there, either. I think that's just what she wants right now.

I end up giving her this be spiel about how I think sex has to happen first before anything and that I find her both physically and emotionally attractive. We make out after. She wants this gay guy to come hang out with us and I tell her "no, we're on a date. I don't want this guy third wheeling us", and she's "disappointed" but then agrees.

We were gonna go straight to my place (and we should have) but then we go to this popular Wednesday bar. It's really fun and she's actually a great person to have around socially. She meets plenty of my friends and entertains. Then she pulls me to the couch and we make out. I got some shit about that later, since it was so public.

Finally we make it back to my house and Day One has a couple degenerates over with some cauliflower. My girl wants some and totally work the situation. It was really rude, actually, but it showed her social intelligence and what an experienced party girl she is. She manages to buy the rest of their shit on top of the free she already was given for the cheapest price. Day One is too nice sometimes, man... I don't know why the fuck he'd just let some random girl do that.

In my room, we hang out and talk. She says that once she's on the shit she's on, she can't get wet and doesn't have sex. Well what the fuck? Why would you come into my house, see the next sparkly thing, and choose that over fucking me? Oh right, because you're a total party chick.

That last part sounded self absorbed.

Ah, yeah honestly I think my attitude has regressed into a lot more of a fuckboy as of late.

I guess that comes with handling success..

Then she gets going on this big tangent about wanting more in a relationship than sex and how she's tired of just fucking guys. Boom. I know my mistake now.

I entertained her idea of possibly doing what she thinks is relationshippy stuff, instead of reframing sex with me as a romantic experience that can be physical and emotional.

Yep.

I let her frame it and walked into her terms instead of reframing the situation / meta framing what she's actually after --> emotional security.


Really that's what everyone is always after, emotional security. It just comes in different forms and with different stories. Like right now I'm frustrated because Day One just got laid and, once again, basically did nothing but show up. I think this has a negative effect on my attainability since he's so low investment in how he does stuff. I come in, invest emotion and open the girls, he comes in, stands there looking hot, and they are magnets on him. Then I'm there with my thumb up my ass because now I'm the one the girl is settling for and he's the real prize. I'm used to being the prize.

But wait! That's part of my problem right now. And talking to this new girl made me realize it, since she's good at playing games with guys!

I'm too gamey.

I'm too obvious in what I'm doing.

It's partly disingenuous because I'm not truly interested in the person I'm talking to, and I'm just tryna fuck.

I need to meditate on the beauty of women and the essence of femininity, as well as the depth of the person before me, and I have to mean it. That's where I've been before, so I just need to rekindle that side of me.

Seeing that a guy actually gives a fuck about who you are gives you emotional security. It tells you that you are enough, that you might not be abandoned, and that you're not just a piece of meat. Which is all true, end of the day. People are enough when they decide to be, even in our technical solitude, we share the human experience, and this body is just what the essence of a person inhabits.

And they need to feel all that.




Anyway, I go onto letting this girl go home with a pretty romantic goodbye, where I was stepping in that^ direction, but not quite getting there. I also timed it up wrong. She also knows how to keep me emotionally invested with leading conversation and starting to kiss me, she knows exactly what she's doing.

Thursday

Sent Gumball a text saying that I had fun with her but I'm not trying to move anything in a serious direction. She wants to still "hang out" and got my snapchat. She is really a pretty girl, but I don't trust her methods I bet that's how plenty of girls look at me.

I go out with Day One. First place these girls go right up to us, stop, I say hello, and then they leave. Super weird.

Next place (gay bar to see our friend) we get pulled into a table with gay dudes, and Day One is the center of attention because he's tall and good looking. He starts to get a little creeped out, and we leave.

The only other place with people is this club next to our place. I open this girl who is with a guy I know from social circle. We chit chat and she seems cool, but she's not hot enough.

I move over to another part of the club and try to open up a couple girls next to the water trough. They respond in a pretty gamey way, as if they were more entertained by me hitting on them than actually interested. I think I'm coming off as too high attainability from the get go, but I don't want to regress to this "too cool for school" kinda vibe either. I need to keep approaching to calibrate better.

Next I see this really cute asian girl and I talk up her and her friend. Her friend almost immediately gets jealous of the asian girl once I start getting more physical and holding the small of her back, and giving her more attention. She cuts it off and stops the whole party. I need to address both girls in these situations, then eventually pull my girl of interest away. Girls hate to see their friend get more attention than them, it hurts their ego.

I turn and Day One is with my coworker who I just fucked and her sorority friends. He's basically sold on this blonde girl, who may have been on something (?). I say fuck it, at least I'll bang my coworker, and we go back to their apartment. There we hang out and play some music, but I don't really remember a lot.

They're still super focused on Day One and it annoys me.

I really have to get over this hump.

I have to accept that he's more attractive than me, and honestly, a better fuck than me. Then, I have to disengage from comparing myself to him, and solely focused on what I can do in these situations and what tools I'm equipped with.

It is hard though, when you bring girls who are into you into your bubble, they see him, and are instantly giving him IOI's. It may just take more exposure for me to get over it. Or, it may mean that I need to really get strong suited in a different type of attraction, such as what I can do with conversation. I think I should finish reading The Alabaster Girl, this will help me.


So eventually I try to pull my coworker again and she's being resistant. I have literally no idea why. Maybe because of the way I treated her when we fucked, it might have been too cold for her. Truth be told I don't like her though! So she probably knows this and doesn't want to open her legs up again to a guy who's using her.



Yeah I need to meditate and get off this fuckboy mentality. I should be meeting girls and taking lovers as a LOVER, not as some guy who's trying to get is notch count up and win some Snatch Tournament online.

 

[Hue]

Friday

Work shift, got off at 11:30. Got some drinks with old coworkers, and get introduced to 4 girls with this gay guy. I don't want to hop on their ship though, as they're going to a loud and rather aggressive gay club later. I say it's nice to meet them and go stag.

I pop into a cool bar around the area and see my buddy, as well as another group of people from my old job. We chit chat and mingle, then I head in to get a drink. There's a skinny, pretty black girl next to me. When we both approach the bar I open with "how's your night going?", she responds well.

I tell her, "wow, I mean I was thinking 'this girl is pretty I'll talk to her', but now that I'm looking at you you're wearing this sexy shit too? unfair!", and she starts giggling. She was wearing just a white bra, and looked pretty sexy. Double compliment with sexual intent. Let's just call her that, White Bra.

Her friends come up one by one and we start to talk. I ask them if their group has a name as I meet all of them, and they want me to come up with a name. I thought of something really cheesey, Renegals (renegade gals... get it? ha-ha) so I don't say it lol. I tell them that I will tell them later after I tweak it a bit. This doesn't entertain them and comes off as kind of lame. Instead of letting the situation crumble, I just invite them outside to meet my friends. They say they'll meet me on the patio and we exchange flirty looks.

On the patio I jump back and forth in between conversations, and eventually they come out. I get introduced to one more of their friends, this REALLY sexy black chick - low key looks like Beyonce. I make a slightly risky joke when I'm shaking her hand. I tell her that I saw her nametag but didn't want to go for it. I thought it was a gold chain that said "n****", but it actually read Jigga. I love Jay, though, so it worked out.

Notice I kind of have a roughish start for the beginning. But as we talk it smooths out more.

We talk about hip hop and Kanye's bullshit and bump similarity. White Bra is qualifying herself on her knowledge and wants to be a voice in the conversation. Beyonce is clearly running the show, though. I'm very attracted to her as a person, whereas White Bra simply seems like an attractive option with a lovely face. They sit next to the door and I pop next to Beyonce for a while and we talk. One of them starts to pretend to be the bouncer and it's pretty funny.

I see several people I know and boost social proof in just about every direction. We talk and mingle with a bunch of people, and eventually I start to try to move us to a different bar. I start by seeding in my work group to go to the next bar, then tell my new girls that we're all going over to [bar] and they should come. It takes a little while to get moving and they get distracted taking pictures with some of their friends, but eventually we get moving. I leave with the 4 girls by myself, and my coworkers take even longer.

At the next bar we get drinks and I try to get us outside. When we walked in the bouncer is talking with all the girls, and then when I get to the door (white guy) he fucks with me like "how big is your group?" and I smile and say "I'm with them", he goes "I don't believe you" and I just laugh and tag him like, "why? cuz my ass is white??" and he cracks up.

White Bra is showing more IOI's now, probably because I'm well beyond hook point, have befriended the leader, and have cemented myself into the group. That said, when we move outside Beyonce has everyone go to the bathroom. I manage to take White Bra's arm and tell her to meet me outside when they're done and she agrees.

In the meantime I go to where all the kids from my HS are. There is a group of fucking stunning blondes, and they open me. They were drunk and thought that I was a different person (which, I don't even know if I believe? I've partied with all of these girls at our parties before.. so ) and I cooly and calmly wave it off. I start talking to the baddest bitch there, this 21 y/o HB9 blonde. God, she is sexy. Always has been.

We talk and I tell her how sexy she looks, and how much I love her outfit. Her friend starts taking hella snapchats of us talking, which I joke about. She's sitting cool and confident as well, which I rather enjoy. All her friends are acting like drunk sorority girls (and, they are) and here she is just sitting and being mature. I qualify her on that and ask if she's the same girl she was in highschool. She qualifies herself and said that she's changed a good amount and she used to be so mean, but now she's nice.

I bring up how in HS I remembered telling her friends they didn't need her, and didn't need to listen to her just because she was super hot. I was a bit abrasive back in the day with some of my comments and I don't recommend doing that now. She again qualifies herself saying that's not who she is now. I see an opportunity to run the Shadow Gambit on her and do, and she likes it.

After this I had to make a decision. Get her number, or stick around, and try to navigate her loud and annoying friends who will most definitely be tearing her off of me. I decide to get her number (gah and I just said fuck night game numbers) and really to a good job with timing, and cementing that we'll be getting a drink while she's still in town. I think it went well, but you can never be too sure with these situations. I really hope I don't end up regretting that.

If I can't get her over this week, I'll find her there next week. This is just about the only place these girls go at their age.

Also, I'm going to call her. That way I can rekindle the vibe we had. What I fear the most is that some younger guy saw me get her turned on and swooped in after I left. There's definitely competition for her.


I return to the black girls, who are taking pictures. They didn't meet me outside, but fuck it. First, I chit chat with this model / medical student who I used to have class with. Her friend is into me, but the company is kind of lame because medical students aren't the best conversationalists. She also is pretty feminist and doesn't always mesh well with me / things that I say. This was only to bide time anyway.

I see the girls about to go back into the chaos of the bar so I go up right then and grab their attention again. Most of them slip away, but I get White Bra to stay. This took some token resistance, but I get her sitting down with me. She says that she has a boyfriend and she'll get in trouble for talking with me. I explain that I don't like getting involved with girls who have deep emotions for their boyfriends because it gets too messy, but if it's just some guy she's seeing I honestly don't give a fuck. She ate this the fuck up.

I get her number moments before Beyonce swoops in and takes her out of their. I touch Beyonce's arm, as I'd love to see her again, too, and tell her how great it was to meet her. She's somewhat taken aback by the sincerity of my comment in how I said it, and returns the compliment.

Then I get one more approach in with my buddy who I saw posted up at the bar. I just called her beautiful, but didn't get to move into conversation when the bar closed. The medical students find me again and are staring at me so I go over and talk. Boyfriend dilemma again. Yet, one of them splits up with their group to talk to me, but she's being all prissy. Probably nothing but a shit test, but I don't find her very attractive and we part ways.

White Bra late night texts me and she starts to get resistant, so I just call her. On the phone I get her very excited to see me again and it ends perfectly with a specific day, time, and bar we'll be going to Monday... right next to my place.

I had a really fun night, and felt fantastic socially. Mind is in a good spot. Meditating again, exercising regularly. I really just gotta land shit with this sexy younger girl now, and I'll be doing excellent.

 

[Hue]

Saturday

Work shift, got off at 1:00. Downed a drink at a gay bar, jumped to a dive. Quickly get in conversation with some industry folk and then invited to jump into their pool for an after party. Flirting with this blonde girl who is acting aloof, and trying to make conversation go in a good direction. Met Stag there too and he's in the mix. He's a really good looking guy and just broke up with my coworker. A bit weird, but girls love him.

We go to this after party and I'm trying to make things work with this blonde, but I feel like she won't "let me in". Perhaps it's because I was being too aloof myself, and not doing a well enough job with attainability. I think that I'm coming off as too cocky / douchey with how much I tease and I need to stop acting so cool. Methinks I need to hit some strong compliments after some deep dives.

There's also 4 other guys in the mix, 3 of which appear to be total strangers to the girls in the group. I didn't see them as competition, and I definitely should have.

We get to the pool and I've befriended everyone in the group. Next thing I know we're all skinny dipping. Bad ratio, actually. It was 3 girls (only 1 who was hot, 1 was decent, and 1 was a nogo), 1 gay guy, and 5 straight dudes.

That said, I had the vibe going with the hot girl pretty well around the time we actually got into the pool, and I should have been much more aggressive with the scenario in front of me. We're fucking naked, for fucks sake. There were multiple moments that I was close to her where all I would have had to have done is pull her close to me. That would have spike arousal super high and we could have started making out and hooking up.

Instead I got carried away in the fun we were having with racing, truth or dare, and never have I ever. It was a really fun time, to be honest. I had a blast and most everyone there was super cool.

BUT. I didn't play my own cards correctly. I wasn't aggressive enough, and then I ended up making a mistake or two by overdoing the BMOC vibe and even talking about one of my recent lays. This other guy sat in the back the whole time and eventually, slowly started gaming the hot chick. His slowburn won out.

By the time he had hooked her in, I wasn't in control of the group dynamics anymore, and a natural had said a few things that might have made me look like more of a loud idiot than I would have liked, because these guys were keeping their cool better than I was in my good mood. I'll honestly say I overdid it.

It would have been fine if I had just kept a better handle on the girl and escalated with her though.

Eventually the night wrapped up and I get a ride home from the decent girl. I definitely, definitely could have invited her inside with me, but honestly, I no longer found her attractive enough and decided not to.



Skinny dipping like that was cool though, since you're being literally naked with a bunch of strangers. You don't give a fuck what they think about in any direction and everyone was being themselves. Being vulnerable I guess.



That sexy chick from Friday ghosted me, and never answered. I'm a fucking idiot for not being more aggressive. Be more aggressive when the context says so, dummy. Take ACTION. Move faster. Girls find you very attractive and you're doing nothing with it.

Date tomorrow with that black chick.

 

[Hue]

I swear some of the best shit on this forum is from Chase replying to some of the most difficult people.

Reposting this... it's inspirational. All this party bullshit has made me lazy. And I'm getting tired of being lazy.

I've never particularly cared for "good times" or "having fun." I like building, achieving, accomplishing things. If I can do that through a party (e.g., build or maintain a social circle... improve social skills... pick up a chick... etc.), that might be a worthwhile party. Otherwise it's just going to be a bunch of pointless revelry that ticks away some hours of my life without giving me anything I value back.

When I started out, for the first 6 months of me going hardcore I did nothing but cold approach and dates, mostly ignoring social circle. If I ran into guys I knew in the club, I'd say hi and be a little social, then get back to approaching. I moved to a bigger city and found a wingman through a private pickup forum I was on for alumni of the bootcamp I'd taken. And pretty much my social life was either me spending time with girlfriends, me going out with my wingman to meet girls, or me going out alone to meet girls, with the occasional business happy hour thrown in.

At no point did I feel like an "outcast." I never had a desire to belong to the "cool kids" group -- I WAS the cool kid! The "cool kids" were sitting around on their asses drinking beer and getting man-tits. I was going out by myself into bars and nightclubs gulping down Jack & Cokes and picking up chicks and getting rejected and getting laid. I was banging fashion models and diplomats' daughters and crazy chicks and sexy immigrants. I was doing what everyone else watched movies about doing. I was mother-fucking James Bond.

Then I changed cities, met a new wingman via another friend in the private pickup alumni board, and he would take me out with his group of friends. I discovered I was pretty terrible at navigating through established social circles without being stuck on the outside. So I started throwing myself into every social opportunity I could to improve. I went to Meetup groups and shagged girls from there and hung out with people from there. I went to alumni groups for my university and hung at those parties (and shagged girls from there). I found an invite-only social network I wanted to join, discovered one of my friends from the pickup alumni board was on there, and asked him for an invite. Because invitees reflected on the inviter in that network, he asked me to make sure I made a lot of friends there to reflect well on him, and I did -- I went to every meeting or party they had, connected with everybody there, and scoured the list of people traveling to San Diego and would invite them to meet up (especially the girls!), and we would. I made friends with a talented natural who became a new wingman for me off there, and shagged girls I met off the platform. I went to bartending school and met girls and made friends through that. I went to surfing class, archery class, salsa class, Spanish class, and took up Krav Maga. I let girlfriends introduce me to their coworkers and friends. I hung out with coworkers and made close-ish friends with some of them and got to know their friends. And at the same time I was going out 2-5 nights a week, hitting the bars, hitting the nightclubs, hitting the lounges, picking up one-night stands and taking phone numbers to set up dates for the days I did not have girlfriends to meet up with (and occasionally making friends too; some of my best guy friends over the years have been guys I met at bars or clubs while we were both there chatting up girls). I went to the gym at work and between sets talked to the huge ex-Navy guy; the fitness model girl; and the cocky meathead guy who ran the fitness model competition and treated me like a nobody for a long time until I finally broke through with him. I was busy, busy, busy, busy.

There were times for a while I felt like the weird guy outsider, once I started all this social circle stuff. I couldn't talk to them about girls/picking up, because either they didn't care, or they were focused on social circle and had already shagged half the girls in the group and I hadn't. And all the other stuff they cared and talked about I didn't have much to say on. Despite the discomfort, I just kept going, kept hanging out with as many sufficiently cool people as I possibly could, and over time I grew better and better and better at fitting in with all these different sorts of people.

Eventually you realize you are always an outsider with every new group you join. Until you spend enough time around them that eventually you are not anymore. One day you show up and realize you are 100% part of the group. You know all the in-jokes and what's cool and what isn't and the girls all like you and want to shag you (or have shagged you) and the guys all have your back.

And then you meet some other people and start to hang with that group too. And you're an outsider with that new group... until you're not.

And so on and so forth.

At some point I reached a point where I'd done enough with socializing to know the pattern... if you're a sufficiently cool person, you can become an "insider" anywhere... given time. Though you will always start out as an outsider, and spend time on the outskirts as that guy for a while. Often it takes months of hanging out with a group frequently enough before you're a full-on insider. But you discover it's something you can do, if you want to.

And then you start to end up at the top of the pile in social groups. You keep finding yourself Top Dog. Now you are the coolest guy in the group; the one who more than anyone else decides who and what is "inside" and who/what isn't. And at that point if you're really needy for it I guess you hang around and bask in the power and attention for a while. But usually what happens is most guys tire of it after a while, retreat from socializing with groups, and go back to being loners / semi-loners with a small core of high value friends. Because big group life is very temporally and energetically demanding, but doesn't provide much you will value once you've sat atop the pile for a while.

So yeah, that's the process. Or that's how it worked for me:

Did not feel like an outcast in the beginning, because my focus was pure cold approach and I went hard on that
Felt like an outcast once I started to hang with groups of non-PUA people and found I didn't mesh that well
Embarked on a journey of going super, super hard on participating in group activities and socializing with people non-stop
Began to be more and more accepted by more and more different types of groups
Learned to gel well with pretty much any group of people
Made it to the TOP of the social ladder and became the coolest guy in really cool groups
Got bored of the whole thing, started to feel like it wasn't a good use of time, went back to being the loner
Now I have the skill set, and gel well with all sorts of people everywhere, without needing to maintain huge time-consuming circles
Never feel like an outcast anywhere, because odds are, whatever type of group, I've been "in" with similar groups in the past and I know exactly how to socialize with them

It's a process. You go through it. Either you go hard and socialize constantly and non-stop with all kinds of people to build that ability, or you kind of hover around and hope someones takes pity on you / gives you a social handout, which doesn't really happen, and feel frustrated at being on the outside.

I did the "wait and hope" thing when I was a teen / early 20s and found it doesn't work for me. After that I switched into "if you want it, go and get it" mode and have found that a lot more productive. I recommend it.

Chase

 

[Hue]

Double booked with my coworker and Gumball for Tuesday. Coworker flaked, so Gumball it is.

Texted her that I'm not looking for anything serious after our last date. She responded that we can still hang out (aka fuck) and we texted on and off for a few days. We meet at my old bar first. She's looking super cute, her tits are popping out, and she's not looking too thicc. She's thicc, don't get me wrong, but I'm into having a fat ass to grab onto and she still has slim arms and is overall petite. She's still sexy, in my book.

She at some point tells me to suck her dick when we're standing on the patio. I go "okay, fine." and start unbuttoning her pants in public. I get all the buttons off and proceed to sink my fingers into her pants, slowly. I can see how turned on she's getting and then she pushes my hand away, smiling, and says "okay that's enough". Set some good expectations for the date.

We eventually go to this gay bar and have a really good time. There was this guy being a fake gay dude who eventually took his "mask" off and revealed he was straight to two straight girls at the bar, so they came running to us to laugh / warn us about it. Very interesting dynamic to see from my side.

I actually have a blast talking to this girl. She's a total party chick, like 100%, so I DEFINITELY couldn't rely on dating her. But I do enjoy her company quite a bit and she's a great drinking buddy. Solid FB material with no strings attached. She's very cute and bubbly, and speaks her mind. She doesn't overly care what people think about her from what I can tell, which is a rarer trait among women.

Before leaving to my house we use the bathroom. First she follows me in to the men's, and I check the stall - locked. Then I follow her into the girls and we get in the same stall. I try to have her suck me off but she's not down because she says it's not classy. Then she starts talking shit and saying that she's better than the other girls I've been with.

This is very disrespectful. Never let some girl (anyone) talk shit on your girls. I tell her, exactly, "don't say that about my girls.", and she keeps at it. So I just say, "that's very rude.", and walk away. I go right next to the exit to the bar and wait. She eventually follows me out like "oh now you're mad at me?" and I tell her, "no. that's just really disrespectful.", and she scoffs and walks over to her friend and bitches about the situation. I know that I'm in the right here so I just wait on my phone.

3 minutes later she walks back over and says, "okay my friend just said that you're right, my bad". I just look up and say "we leaving?", and we do. I show her then that I'm not mad - I really wasn't. I just don't tolerate bullshit. Once that barrier is overcome we get into a really good mood again and are walking, piggy back riding, and teasing eachother down the street. We take a street-photobooth picture that I didn't even know was there. Honestly, this was my favorite part of the date. We vibed really hard.

Back at my place we have a drink and listen to music, eventually hooking up on the couch, then to bed. She stayed the night.

Just have to make clear that I'm not doing anything serious with her if I decide to keep seeing her. I don't want to hurt her feelings.

 

[Hue]

Terrible night.

Started off at my restaurant with some industry folk. We get hooked up heavy and then move to a bar, then eventually back home. We were flirting with the waitress and Day One got her number to grab drinks later. She was all over him (per usual when he goes out). Because of all the free shit I end up getting really drunk.

I agree to go to my brother's volleyball game. We show up as it's ending, because we got carried away at my house and came late. Immediately he's being frantic about hanging out with me and extremely needy. I tell him upfront I'm leaving at 12:00 to go pull. He immediately leaves to go buy drugs because he thinks he needs them to have fun with my friends and I, which is fucking ridiculous.

He comes back and we play pool. He's been drinking already he DEMANDS that we address our issues as brothers and our relationship. I tell him, flatly, I don't want to talk about this drunk. There's no point. He insists and it ends with me raising my voice and saying I'm leaving, I became quite angry.

I go out to a club after having a beer and calming down and there's a girl who's clearly interested, but she wasn't hot enough. A couple girls were eye balling me so I approached, but I remember nothing. I saw a girl from my school and talked to them, but they're not interested and give me a somewhat harsh rejection.

Then there's this really pretty brunette in this big group of people. I jump right in and talk with multiple girls, pull my girl into me with her tight, skinny little waste. Eventually we make out, but the club is chaotic and loud and I lose her. I see another girl and I am pretty direct with her, but I totally lose her too... I think I came off as creepy on that one but I was really drunk and don't remember.

So.. 8ish approaches and a makeout? Not bad on paper, but it didn't feel great.


I go home and text my friend who remained with my brother, and invite him to come have a late night. He comes with my brother, without telling me. What the fuck dude. We talk for a little bit, and I can feel my anger coming back. Like, a fucking raging inferno coming up. I tell my brother he has to leave. He doesn't understand so I walk out and try to calm myself down. My friend comes to help, and he does.

I feel all the anger and pain that my brother gave me when we were growing up, as if the vengeful child inside of me woke up. Now I'm physically, intellectually, and emotionally stronger than he is - I wanted to beat the living shit out of him. I was so fucking mad. I eventually calm and go back inside. My brother is talking with us and we're shooting the shit. We are very similar, him and I. I think that I recognize my faults in him and it angers me.

He starts complaining about how he is too empathetic, and it sets me off. I tell him he has to leave again, and walk out onto my porch. He's confused again so I just blow the fuck up and yell at him that it's infuriating to sit here and listen to him humble brag about how empathetic he is, when he's barely fucking self aware, had very low empathy and sympathy when we were growing up in how he treated me, and that it makes me want to beat the living shit out of him.

I have never seen more terror in his eyes.

I slam my porch door shut and it hits my hand, breaking my pinky. He leaves after this. I've asked him to meet sober, but all his texts are calling me insane, self righteous, and shaming me. My texts are very polite, clear, and direct. I take responsibility in our relationship, and I definitely could have handled my anger better. He won't take any. So, I blocked his number. Us together can't work until one / both of us change.

 

[Hue]

It was a bit of a mental recovery yesterday before I could do anything. Also my finger is broken, so that makes everything harder.

I go out alone and see if my buddy's bartending - he's not. I pop into another place and see some girls I used to go to school with. I catch up with them and see a different group of guys and girls I know. Their girls are way hotter and the guys are cooler so I jump ship with them and slowly assimilate into their group. I don't feel strong attraction from any of them except one, but she's quiet, timid, and less attractive than the rest. She was just kind of plain jane.

We eventually do mesh and area having a fun casual time. I kinda wish I was out cold approaching because their entire group is going out camping tomorrow. At one point we go back to my place for shots, but after this I can't really get anything off the ground and we eventually part ways.

I go straight to a popular bar and the ratio is terrible. I talk with a girl I like but she's with her bf. That doesn't stop me from talking and flirting with her because I know she likes me. I go inside and sit next to two blondes. We people watch and flirt and this girl is letting me touch her legs. Her friend leaves us alone which is a big indicator to escalate. I get rejected on the kiss. I have her saying I should get her number but I tell her no, whens the last time a number at the bar has ever worked out?

This frame could have been more romantic, and we werent there arousal wise because it implies i'm tryna fuck tonight. We leave to a club and now she's much more flustered. Inside she grabs a guy and tells him something, then runs into the crowd. The guy stops me and tells me she's not interested. I look at him, confused to whether he's white knighting or not.

When in doubt, stride forward, and then you'll know, as Hector said.

I continue on and ask her friend what's going on - she's not interested. I leave.


I go to one more place before home. See a hot brunette and tell her I love her style, she runs off to her boyfriend. See a cute blonde and try to keep talking with her after the group banter died, she turns her back to me and says "just my luck". See an old coworker who I know liked me, open her. She says we should all get shots, and I agree. At the bar she says that I'm buying and I back off, I never said that. The guy she's with and I exchange a look like "this girl is using you too, huh?", and I befriend them best I can before they leave.

Finally, a feminist starts talking to me on the walk home and out of nowhere starts arguing with me (been seeing a lot of these lately) about sexual signs people give eachother and when no means no. I ask her if she thinks it's mostly implicit and she takes some pontificating tangent with it, so I ask her what implicit means and she has no idea. I stop wasting my time. She was smiling at me the whole time, too. I wonder if she was just fucking with me or actually just got off to dumb arguments with strangers in the street.


I go home and Day One is banging our cocktail waitress.

Frustrating finish to the night.

 

[Hue]

Day One had the cocktail waitress over the other night and it was very cringe worthy. She is feeling bad about cheating on her boyfriend, but in her words, "you just have such a great dick". Then he went on to make some joke about her cheating with him (did not land!) and they spent the next 2 hrs "arguing". Mainly her asking him to directly lay down the expectations for the course of their relationship and him not answering, trying to overcome her with good emotions, and honestly a little bit of dismissing her issues. She was coming to him to reframe the situation in a way that worked for both of them and he just wouldn't do it. The move would have simply been to say, "hey, there's no need to put a label on this just yet. I think we can both agree this should be discreet; if you're not comfortable with having a BF and doing this then let's not do it. I'd like to keep seeing you, and we can keep having sex, since otherwise "us" wouldn't be a thing anyways, right?". Instead he just awkwardly deflected. I could hear the whole thing while working on my laptop it was shit.


Forced myself out last night. Had approach anxiety from being so public at the bar where all the bartenders know me. Fuck man, my dad was like this too and he didn't give a flying fuck, why should I? Why should I give a fuck if the people serving me alcohol (who I'm friends with guys and gals alike) see me get rejected. They know what it is - and they probably see MUCH more cringeworthy approaches all the time. I want to get over myself here.

First, I was approach by a cute and bubbly girl who asked about my hand. HB7. I didn't engage her enough or jump straight into touch and she thought I wasn't interested. Then I saw a girl I know from social circle and tried to talk with her, but she was in an in depth convo and told me to come back in a bit. Then I fly on the walled, got several approach invitations, and worked too slow to finally approach the group with the girl who yelled quite loudly that she just broke up with her boyfriend.

Unfortunately I time it up horribly and go up right as the target walks away. So then I'm with her two friends who are cute but not hot like she was. With the immediate switch up I flounder with my opener, which was over calculated, and I would have been much better with an instant approach the moment they gave an IOI.

I talk with a bartender for about 10 minutes, mingle with some group the comes in, and then decide to leave. I leave to a gar bar and open a girl with pink hair. Logistics are kinda fucked and I show a negative trait which was this guy from where I used to work (old, toxic manager) getting in my head and making me feel unwelcome as a straight guy at the gay bar. I end up just befriending the group and then going home.