I will try to make this as short as possible. I met this girl last year, was in the friend zone for while then became a couple for a month. Suddenly overnight she wanted to be friends with the explanation of " it's not you it's me" line. For the past 3 months in the friend zone, we went from hanging out several times weekly, staying at each others home almost every week, me stopping by to see her at work, her coming over to my house unannounced, doing things spontaneously to none of that happening anymore. We still talk and/or text daily and have been for at least the last 6 months. She gives no explanation as to why there is virtually no more meetups yet she still wants to converse daily. Although I like talking with her I can't stand not knowing what her motivations are. It appears to me that I exist for her convenience to fill a void in her life until someone better comes along so my first question is, is my assessment correct? Do I need to move on and if so, how do I start that conversation? Please help. Thanks.
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- Aug 12, 2014
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Dude! Firstly welcome!
Yes, your instincts are correct -- check out this article, it might light up some lightbulbs. Since I read the article it appears there's another one up, which I haven't read yet but it looks like useful reading for you.
It was interesting your wording:
Remember that the biggest reward you can give anyone who is behaving badly is your attention. Your attention is very valuable, don't undervalue it. You should reserve your attention for those who are treating you well -- such as the new girls you're dating at the present time. Not for biyatches like this.
I should mention that part of the problem you're having is you're lacking closure. I did a brief search for closure and breakup on girlschase.com and came up with a ton of interesting articles that I think you should look at (although I did not find the one I was looking for, which was saying something like, if you dump a girl and don't give her a reason, then it's highly likely she'll feel you have unfinished business and be open to restarting the relationship later on -- the exact opposite of your situation, and in my opinion it gives a clue as to why you're still on the hook with this girl). You can search for those things yourself.
I suggest to also read this article as it may shed some light on why she left in the first place. As a general rule, women will always lie if asked why they left the relationship, as they are more concerned with saving your feelings than helping you improve (indeed they don't really have much understanding of how their attraction system works, or what they look for in a man, either). BUT if you teach yourself a bit about relationship management you can nearly always pinpoint your problems, I'm happy to help if you post more details about it.
Ray
Yes, your instincts are correct -- check out this article, it might light up some lightbulbs. Since I read the article it appears there's another one up, which I haven't read yet but it looks like useful reading for you.
It was interesting your wording:
Why do you feel you owe her anything? What in fact has she given you? She didn't give any explanation for her decisions in the past... why should you? The correct approach is simply to cut contact without any explanation at all. This gives you a little bit of power (but not much), and will help you to keep your dignity. As a matter of fact I did this with a girl who friendzoned me and used me for a long time (waking me up in the middle of the night to get advice on her relationship problems and so forth)... years later, she still emails me every 3-4 months or so, saying she misses me and trying to get my friendship back.
Remember that the biggest reward you can give anyone who is behaving badly is your attention. Your attention is very valuable, don't undervalue it. You should reserve your attention for those who are treating you well -- such as the new girls you're dating at the present time. Not for biyatches like this.
I should mention that part of the problem you're having is you're lacking closure. I did a brief search for closure and breakup on girlschase.com and came up with a ton of interesting articles that I think you should look at (although I did not find the one I was looking for, which was saying something like, if you dump a girl and don't give her a reason, then it's highly likely she'll feel you have unfinished business and be open to restarting the relationship later on -- the exact opposite of your situation, and in my opinion it gives a clue as to why you're still on the hook with this girl). You can search for those things yourself.
I suggest to also read this article as it may shed some light on why she left in the first place. As a general rule, women will always lie if asked why they left the relationship, as they are more concerned with saving your feelings than helping you improve (indeed they don't really have much understanding of how their attraction system works, or what they look for in a man, either). BUT if you teach yourself a bit about relationship management you can nearly always pinpoint your problems, I'm happy to help if you post more details about it.
Ray
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Check out the last article I linked, specifically the last bit:
- Don’t go crazy texting / calling / messaging her.
- See her slightly less than she’d like.
- Invite her to some things, but never pressure her to come.
Did you do any of these things?
Additionally, did you
- Allow her to disrupt your routine (and it sounds like this might be yes -- since you said she'd call in unannounced, did you e.g. cancel your plans to go out just because she turned up?)
- Act needy, or initiate relationship talks with her, or express insecurity in the relationship, or use lovey dovey talk (a little bit is acceptable but only if she earns it over the long term with big investment/commitment)
- Allow her to refuse sex, or wait for her to initiate sex (her initiating is fine as long as you initiate at times too, the thing to watch out for is if you're scared of rejection and so you don't initiate for fear of rejection)
- Say things like "I'm bored. What should we do now?" (instead of detecting a lack/need and filling it in a creative manner allowing her to follow along and enjoy the fruits of your leadership)
I think another huge area to watch out for is women's tests. It'd be best if you read Franco Seduction (another website) "Manual of Seduction" and pay attention to what he says about women's tests. But an example would be something like:
The problem with failing tests is that the next test gets harder. Ex (later the same evening)
Ray
- Don’t go crazy texting / calling / messaging her.
- See her slightly less than she’d like.
- Invite her to some things, but never pressure her to come.
Did you do any of these things?
Additionally, did you
- Allow her to disrupt your routine (and it sounds like this might be yes -- since you said she'd call in unannounced, did you e.g. cancel your plans to go out just because she turned up?)
- Act needy, or initiate relationship talks with her, or express insecurity in the relationship, or use lovey dovey talk (a little bit is acceptable but only if she earns it over the long term with big investment/commitment)
- Allow her to refuse sex, or wait for her to initiate sex (her initiating is fine as long as you initiate at times too, the thing to watch out for is if you're scared of rejection and so you don't initiate for fear of rejection)
- Say things like "I'm bored. What should we do now?" (instead of detecting a lack/need and filling it in a creative manner allowing her to follow along and enjoy the fruits of your leadership)
I think another huge area to watch out for is women's tests. It'd be best if you read Franco Seduction (another website) "Manual of Seduction" and pay attention to what he says about women's tests. But an example would be something like:
A better way to handle this kind of test would be:
Or something like:
Or something like:
You can obviously play around with this and be more or less of a smartarse as situation demands... but there are also circumstances where it's fine to get the water, you just want to be careful of situations where (a) she's got a cutesy look in her eyes and a seductive tone of voice, this indicates to me that it's a test, or (b) getting the water would be equal or more effort for you, so there's no reason why she shouldn't do it.
The problem with failing tests is that the next test gets harder. Ex (later the same evening)
See what I mean, what she does is basically disrespect you a little and your choices/time to try it on, and then if that passes the next time she disrespects you a bit more... pushing the boundary to see at what point you'll draw the line and say NO! Some guys will never say NO! to their girl, and so they pretty soon end up as a little lapdog on a leash, so that she quickly loses respect and attraction for him and moves on.
Ray
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2012
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- 798
My advice would be sadly to go cold turkey and cut the amount of contact with her and focus on other things/people.
If you look logically at it.. this girls would be with you if she wanted to. She also knows she can come to you when she needs attention and you'll be there, but she can also go when something else gets her attention, and you'll be waiting in the wings if I doesn't work out.
It's unpleasant for you because you're giving someone time and energy who doesn't give you the same, unless it suits her. Even if you're doing other things/seeing other people, you won't be giving it 100%.
If you look logically at it.. this girls would be with you if she wanted to. She also knows she can come to you when she needs attention and you'll be there, but she can also go when something else gets her attention, and you'll be waiting in the wings if I doesn't work out.
It's unpleasant for you because you're giving someone time and energy who doesn't give you the same, unless it suits her. Even if you're doing other things/seeing other people, you won't be giving it 100%.
Ray, I am doing some things wrong and will need to work on being more of a leader which is an area where I falter. I need to mention that I have been out of work for the past 4 months and the times she came over weren't really interrupting anything. I also didn't change any planned activities with others because she was available. Thanks for the advice and the articles. If you have anything else to add, I would like to hear it any time.
ray_zorse said: