Girl Who Dug Me But I Pined Over Someone Else- Lost Her

[NotJamesBond]

This is probably very familiar to many of you, but it happened again to me: I lost out on a pretty girl (whose interesting) by choosing to hold out for a One Special Girl where nothing ended up happening after dragging it out. Thankfully, it was only 2 months this time but the result was so catastrophic it finally convinced me, up close and personal, to never do this again. The girl I lost approached me, we hit it off great, I was being charming and felt like a real man and everything. I even had a moment of "Hmm...This girl is way more receptive to me and this feels great- she smiles constantly and is lively unlike Girl X who always seemed bored" but I did not ultimately listen to it and paid the price yet again, except this time, in a big way. I am finally awakened, at least.

The world isn't over but I was wondering- is there a chance this could ever surface again with the girl I missed it with? It was bad, too- I hit it off with her friend more or less right in front of her. Her friend wasn't the One Special Girl but the logic as to why I did that is a long story.

I'm not going to make the mistake of chasing after this girl (who I had so closely in my grasp) now, but I was just wondering if there's any chance whatsoever of anything happening in the future. Besides, I already tried reconnecting after Special Girl failed but then I learned she has a boyfriend now, making me look even dumber. Oh well. I guess it's dumb to ask this because you're not fortune tellers, and technically anything can happen, should the circumstances be set in place, but I'm certainly not going to hold out for it.

I'm just asking for your two cents. Of course, for now, I'm moving on and boarding another plane. I want to stress that I am not going to hold out whatsoever. What I'm really asking is- would her bad feelings toward me prevent her from even considering anything if she's single at a later date? Or was my dick move too dickish? You know what I'm jiving at- not to sound bad but dick moves can work in your favor, until they don't. I feel like I went overboard (again, didn't do it on purpose) and she's forever in auto-rejection. Or maybe it was just enough to work in my favor later? I see her often enough on campus. It's always a little awkward.

I'm not so much requesting a course of action as I am requesting your opinion on this particular issue for curiosity's sake. In terms of women I have firmly moved on from all 4 (you read that right) I recently failed with (the root of which is the One Special Girl). It's actually pretty funny, if you like tragic comedies. It finally kicked me out of the "hold out" mindset for good.

Don't chase,
NotJamesBond

 

[Howell]

This is probably very familiar to many of you, but it happened again to me: I lost out on a pretty girl (whose interesting) by choosing to hold out for a One Special Girl where nothing ended up happening after dragging it out. Thankfully, it was only 2 months this time but the result was so catastrophic it finally convinced me, up close and personal, to never do this again. The girl I lost approached me, we hit it off great, I was being charming and felt like a real man and everything. I even had a moment of "Hmm...This girl is way more receptive to me and this feels great- she smiles constantly and is lively unlike Girl X who always seemed bored" but I did not ultimately listen to it and paid the price yet again, except this time, in a big way. I am finally awakened, at least.

The world isn't over but I was wondering- is there a chance this could ever surface again with the girl I missed it with? It was bad, too- I hit it off with her friend more or less right in front of her. Her friend wasn't the One Special Girl but the logic as to why I did that is a long story.

I'm not going to make the mistake of chasing after this girl (who I had so closely in my grasp) now, but I was just wondering if there's any chance whatsoever of anything happening in the future. Besides, I already tried reconnecting after Special Girl failed but then I learned she has a boyfriend now, making me look even dumber. Oh well. I guess it's dumb to ask this because you're not fortune tellers, and technically anything can happen, should the circumstances be set in place, but I'm certainly not going to hold out for it.

I'm just asking for your two cents. Of course, for now, I'm moving on and boarding another plane. I want to stress that I am not going to hold out whatsoever. What I'm really asking is- would her bad feelings toward me prevent her from even considering anything if she's single at a later date? Or was my dick move too dickish? You know what I'm jiving at- not to sound bad but dick moves can work in your favor, until they don't. I feel like I went overboard (again, didn't do it on purpose) and she's forever in auto-rejection. Or maybe it was just enough to work in my favor later? I see her often enough on campus. It's always a little awkward.

I'm not so much requesting a course of action as I am requesting your opinion on this particular issue for curiosity's sake. In terms of women I have firmly moved on from all 4 (you read that right) I recently failed with (the root of which is the One Special Girl). It's actually pretty funny, if you like tragic comedies. It finally kicked me out of the "hold out" mindset for good.

Don't chase,
NotJamesBond

I applaud your decision to give up oneitis. Hopefully you can stand by it. Your line of questioning here suggests that you have more work to do to really get out of this over-attachment to specific girls who show you a mild degree of affection though. It's a good idea to raise the bar here. Experience is the ultimate tonic for oneitis. You have begun to open a space for your own sexual emancipation, and I encourage you to practice flirting and having fun with cool girls, as well as learning to read people's signs and then acting in ways that lead to win-win situations for you and the women in your life. Stay open -- keep moving forward. Don't focus so much on "getting" girls, but more on living in a way that you can respect yourself and perhaps in a way that others will naturally want to join in with you.

Here's to your independence,
Howell

 

[ray_zorse]

NJB, in addition to what Howell said, you are probably right in that auto-rejection is what you are dealing with here. In that case I would advise you to read up on attainability. This will at the very least help you to avoid that situation in future.

If and when you reconnect with the girl in auto-rejection, remember you (probably) don't have a value issue so there's no point being dickish or withholding attention ("don't chase" or "least effort" mindset), instead you should be as warm and genuine as possible. Some great ways to do this are:

1. Using a lot of touch -- but not too sexual, a bit of elbow touch at high points gradually escalating to shoulder, lower back etc.
2. Using attainable body language -- lean in a little, strong eye contact, not breaking circle, creating a bubble of you and her.
3. Using attainable clothing style, if you are older than her then dress down a bit (leather jacket not suit jacket etc), if you are preppie and she is hippie then mix it up a bit, and so on.
4. Deep diving -- start by general topics (what has she been doing since you last caught up), do not waste any topics she gives you, get her REALLY sharing, qualify her (a GREAT attainability tool as it tells her WHY you like her and hence that you are genuine), relate wherever possible. Let her feel "he really GETS me".

Paradoxically I would say the fact she has a bf really isn't a big deal here, if anything it's an advantage because you can spend low-pressure time together in which you demonstrate your warmth and genuineness to her. Provided you don't overdo it, I would say risk of losing value by moving too slow isn't an issue here, it may be exactly what you need to rebuild your attainability.

Getting her to spend time with you will be challenging in this situation and I would focus on making the most of any chance meetings and avoiding organized "dates" (except group dates), instead go for insta-dates if you feel it appropriate "hey, you heading straight home after class? I'm heading over to XX building, we can get a quick coffee there if you have time".

In any case, for this to work, you have to really LIKE her and click with her, rather than just getting fast sex. That is you must be willing to invest platonic time in her, if you want to start building attainability now for later. Otherwise stay away. And of course she may have a great bf and want to stay with him long term, in which case you need to be genuinely happy for her. Otherwise stay away.

As always, be meeting lots of women. It's very easy to cultivate the above mindsets, to prioritorize her needs, to practice your attainability tech, and to slow-game correctly and with low investment -- IF you are doing it all from a place of abundance.

Ray

 

[NotJamesBond]

I love it, guys, absolutely beautiful.

Yes, I do genuinely like her and would be down if we ended up as a thing but the way you described it is the perfect way to play it. It's a win-win: if it works out with her, great, and if not, there's 150 million women in this country alone and even considering the fractions who live by me and are reasonably around my age, that's still prodigious. How could I ever chase? This is literally so much better by leaps and bounds. How freeing, how healthy...And well said- about being genuinely happy for her if she's happy with her boyfriend and that's that. In the meantime, I'll meet more women and do what I can with the somewhat frequent chance meetings we seem to keep getting and be warm and genuine, etc. I already had one or two of those. Humble "how you doing?"s. You hit the nail exactly on the head, it's genius. This is why I still come here.

Sounds like a plan, until next time.