Great Relationship turning into a nightmare - how honest should one be?

[REM050]

Hi Guys,

I could do with some objective views on my current situation with this girl that I thought had ended my search. The question is twofold.

First: how much of a mess did I make here, and is it all my fault?
Second: am I just bad at selecting girlfriends?

The story, as short as I can get it is as follows. About 8 months ago I met this very cute girl on the corner of my street. Petite, beautiful black curls and a smile to never forget. Got her number, went on a few dates and decided to date her exclusively rather quickly. Main reason: she only ever had one boyfriend before me and was very sexually inexperienced as apparently they only had tried to have sex a handful of times in a relationship that lasted years. It wasn't good for her, he was bad at making her feel at ease so she reduced sex to something for after marriage. (This changed with me, and obviously she loved it. Would you believe she didn't know what 'doggy' was?).

She has a conservative/religious upbringing. Is really intelligent. Very caring. But was also a bit worried about my past of being a happy and successful bachelor still lingering around.

She was not liking me staying in the same hotel room with a female friend I went to visit abroad, for example, even though we booked one with two separate beds. I told her not to worry about this, as I'm a very reliable guy: If I choose to be with a girl I'm totally unseduceable - at least to date, and believe me, some very very attractive women have tried.

Now the big problem was the fact that I had a few friends that I first got intimate with when I met them years ago, but then turned into friendships. I don't know about you guys, but in my experience girls that you bedded a few times, then turn to platonic friends make for some really supportive and caring female friends. thoughts on this are also appreciated. Am I too openminded thinking this should just be okay?

The new girlfriend was suspicious about those friends, but I told her not to worry about them. I did not want to mention the fact that we had been lovers years ago and that nothing happened since right away as I did not want to upset her or think that I was keeping some open lines just in case...

This turned out to be a big stressing point for her. Her past boyfriend apparently kept on flirting and even possibly seeing some other interests in the beginning of their relationship and also her father has a history of being tempted by some attractive damsel in distress.

So, after a few months of keeping the story tight, which didn't succeed in her getting rid of her suspicions she found more and more evidence that I actually had been seeing these girls romantically at some point and I had to tell her that yes, that had been the case.

I dropped the friendships as I had no choice if I wanted to keep this girl. I could also see her point on this matter, which I did from the beginning, actually, but I didn't want to be the guy that kicks all his female friends out simply because he has a girlfriend that has a problem with them now. Understandably the friends were very disappointed, both in me and in the girl.

Through the months she has been quite controlling and suspicious of any other women, of me flirting with girls or waitresses, of me taking pictures (pro hobby) of girls that then appear to be flirting with me because I tell them to flirt with the camera, of me being there for female friends of befriended couples when a potentially big problem occurs, etc etc.

The interesting thing is that with me she follows the exact same pattern as she did with the previous boyfriend. Go 'full trust' (her words, not mine) in the beginning, then be disappointed of her full trust being broken and become very disappointed and suspicious. Almost end the relationship, stay around anyway, only to withhold sex - or at least suggest it. I'm living the story she told me about her past, basically.

Now, I would like to know: am I trying to be wit the wrong girl here? Am I a big asshole for not telling her the truth right away and unworthy of her trust? Is this worth continuing, independent of whose fault it all is?

I'd really appreciate the input.

Cheers!

 

[topcat]

I dropped the friendships as I had no choice if I wanted to keep this girl. I could also see her point on this matter, which I did from the beginning, actually, but I didn't want to be the guy that kicks all his female friends out simply because he has a girlfriend that has a problem with them now. Understandably the friends were very disappointed, both in me and in the girl.

Wrong move. You removed your options instead of giving her options. What i mean is instead of telling her “this is what it is, this is who I am, but i love you. I accept if you can’t handle it. Stay if you can but I understand if you can’t..” and then naturally and quietly curtail the prominence of the friends in your life (if you felt like it).

By cutting off your friends at her behest, you’ve now taught her that you will bend to the whims of her discomfort, as long as she makes a fuss about it. Leading to..

Through the months she has been quite controlling and suspicious of any other women, of me flirting with girls or waitresses, of me taking pictures (pro hobby) of girls that then appear to be flirting with me because I tell them to flirt with the camera, of me being there for female friends of befriended couples when a potentially big problem occurs, etc etc.

It won’t stop until you stop bending and offer her the option to leave if she can’t manage the discomfort of being with you maturely. Lead her and show her how to do that if she’ll allow it. If she won’t you now know you’re incompatible outside of your own servitude and your free to find a better girl.

In future, my advice, don’t be so eager to jump into exclusivity just because your heart tingles tell you she’s a great match despite evidence to the contrary..

 

[REM050]

Wrong move. You removed your options instead of giving her options. What i mean is instead of telling her “this is what it is, this is who I am, but i love you. I accept if you can’t handle it. Stay if you can but I understand if you can’t..” and then naturally and quietly curtail the prominence of the friends in your life (if you felt like it).

By cutting off your friends at her behest, you’ve now taught her that you will bend to the whims of her discomfort, as long as she makes a fuss about it. Leading to..

It won’t stop until you stop bending and offer her the option to leave if she can’t manage the discomfort of being with you maturely. Lead her and show her how to do that if she’ll allow it. If she won’t you now know you’re incompatible outside of your own servitude and your free to find a better girl.

In future, my advice, don’t be so eager to jump into exclusivity just because your heart tingles tell you she’s a great match despite evidence to the contrary..

Thanks for the reply! And of course you are right from a rational viewpoint. I am less capable of being that way, unfortunately, which I think is one of my biggest hiccups.

That said, I wouldn't be too happy had she had two or three ex lovers around that she is now friends with, so in the end I was definitely going to let these friendships fade out, which they were doing naturally anyway.
My main problem in all this is with not feeling able to tell her in the first place and then having to lie to her after that. She keeps on telling me that had I been frank from the outset there wouldn't have been any problems, but I just don't think that is the case.

On the exclusive dating thing. I think that that's a fine line to tread. Not being exclusive as soon as you both know it is definitely heading somewhere comes with its own set of future problems in my experience. I've made this work in the past, including staying friends with some ex lovers during that relationship, but I can't say my back then girlfriend was very happy with those things as individual facts.

As for the current one. We share a lot of important things, like future goals, values - except for me being a fair bit more open minded in the sexual realm than she is - and ideas of how a relationship should both look and feel. In many ways this girl has treated me better than any other before her, and all just because she is that way.

So, knowing all this, what would any of you guys have done differently? And is there a good way of recovering from a situation like this one or should I just give the whole thing up?

 

[topcat]

That said, I wouldn't be too happy had she had two or three ex lovers around that she is now friends with, so in the end I was definitely going to let these friendships fade out, which they were doing naturally anyway.

You aren’t her, and the the purpose of a healthy relationship is not to render each other equals. You have your needs, she has hers, if they work together you have a relationship, if they don’t, you don’t.

My main problem in all this is with not feeling able to tell her in the first place and then having to lie to her after that. She keeps on telling me that had I been frank from the outset there wouldn't have been any problems, but I just don't think that is the case.

She has no idea what would have been the case. Neither do you. The problem here is an inability on your part to put the relationship on the line if she’s unwilling to play ball. As a result you capitulate to keep her in it, at the sacrifice of relationship quality. She has you by the balls dude.

On the exclusive dating thing. I think that that's a fine line to tread. Not being exclusive as soon as you both know it is definitely heading somewhere comes with its own set of future problems in my experience. I've made this work in the past, including staying friends with some ex lovers during that relationship, but I can't say my back then girlfriend was very happy with those things as individual facts.

Attempting to keep your woman happy is a fools errand. Her happiness is her responsibility. Your happiness, yours.

As for the current one. We share a lot of important things, like future goals, values - except for me being a fair bit more open minded in the sexual realm than she is - and ideas of how a relationship should both look and feel. In many ways this girl has treated me better than any other before her, and all just because she is that way.

She treats you better than the past girls, but rations out the pussy and acts controlling. You can’t find better? Or you’re unwilling to make the effort?

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To improve this, the option to walk away needs to be tabled.