Has anyone overcome their personal anger, bitterness, or general hatred?

[Ed Nigma]

I want to preface this by pointing out that I’ve had a rough life since always.

I am trying to cultivate a positive mental attitude. To become a genuinely optimistic person. Resilient in the face of adversity, and to radiate real positive energy that starts from within. I believe that the biggest thing that holds me back is my mind.

The current problem I’m facing is that it is easy for me to revert back to negative thinking patterns. When dealing with failures, not being in the best mood, even just being hungry/tired can send me down negative thought loops that last for hours or sometimes days.

I think about stuff that happened to me in the past, fixate on it and let out my aggression by fantasizing more favorable outcomes. I’m often plagued by stuff of the past that always seems to come to my mind’s forefront in moments where my mental strength falters. The problem is that it falters often. I don’t have a lot of ego strength. Sometimes I become so angry with what I’m thinking I scream at the top of my lungs and start beating on imaginary people. I’ll make up scenarios in my head of things that never happened where I am an aggressor and release my frustrations that way.

I know this isn’t conducive for me at all and this behavior is holding me back big time.

Sometimes I struggle with feelings of inferiority. Certain things trigger bad memories or anger. Other times, my ego becomes out of control and I do things like physically escalating situations that didn’t need to be taken to that level.

Sometimes I feel like a fake/imposter. On one hand I can be very confident, strong, hard to deter, and unflappable. Other times I feel like the total opposite. A loser who cannot function or achieve the things others can.

Despite that rationally, I am a tall, fit, intelligent, capable, and attractive man my mind corrupts me and I know it’s holding me back from all the good things I could be experiencing in life.

Admittedly, since discovering this forum my mentality has improved a little. I’m not getting so hung up on stuff of the past like I used to, but it still happens. I get bitter and angry at things but I let it go and realize that I have to keep moving forward because none of that is going to help me.

But I still have a lot of stuff buried beneath the surface sub-consciously and it comes out to corrupt my mind. I need to be able to somehow scoop out and replace all the years of negativity and replace it with something else that will help me grow. Instead of staying cynical or angry at the world and regressing until I’m so old I can only reminisce of the life I could have had.

Don’t want to be old and bitter. I need to rewire my brain. Replace the bad with good. Perhaps learn to accept my past and that it doesn’t dictate my future, nor have an impact in who I am now or will be in the future.

Does anyone have advice for me?

 

[TestY]

Great question. Many people experience such issues to a smaller or greater degree.

In my opinion, there are two main approaches to tackling such issues:
- Strengthening oneself through taking responsibility, adopting a problem-solving mindset, and increasing mental energy
- Cleaning out or healing negative unresolved issues

Strengthening oneself
By taking full responsibility for ourselves, we stop feeling resentment. Brian Tracy writes in his Psychology of Achievement:

"the instant we stop blaming, our negative emotions stop. we stop blaming by immediately saying, "I am responsible, I am responsible," every single time something happens that causes us to feel angry or upset."

Tony Robbins teaches this in a similar way.

We can also empower ourselves through visualization practice - practicing the virtues we want, for example: Energy, Ambition, Determination, Courage, Confidence, Perseverance, Patience, Prudence.

Healing unresolved issues
Macavity in the old RSD forum posted a megapost back in 2016 on overcoming emotional issues. As we know, Former RSD-coach Julien Blanc has a similar program in his "Transformation mastery" - built on Eckhart Tolle's work on healing the pain-body.

 

[Chase]

Nice reply from @TestY.

(I am so tempted to rhyme this line after that inadvertently rhythmic first line...)

@Ed Nigma, here was the process I used:

How to Overcome Depression

Was discussing this on a forum with a guy; I used to talk about it a fair amount, some time back, but it's sort of faded from my life in significance. It just isn't on my mind much these days anymore, but I do remember how big a deal it was for me once, and hopefully my story and process can...

www.girlschase.com

Chase

 

[ElChe]

My dude, if you want to get past negative emotions, I believe you can't do better than learning Brian Begin's "Revealing Process".

He are the sales pages for two courses he has about this:
Daily disruption system:

The Daily Disruption System

Get access to this treasure chest of knowledge to help you change your dating life.

go2.thefearlessman.com

Discover How This Powerful "Process"
Obliterates The Negative Emotions
Holding You Back...

The Revealing Process - New Page

go2.thefearlessman.com

If you don't wanna spend money just yet, I recommend learning his teaches from his free youtube videos (he's got a couple playlist on his channel https://www.youtube.com/@TheFearlessMan/videos )

I've studied a few different people who teach how to overcome negative emotions.

At its core, the process is the same... but I think Brian is one of the best teachers because he has created a whole system for how to think about emotions, what to do with them, how to overcome sticking points, what specific emotions do and how they will affect your life, and so on. He has the "complete package" that will radically change how you view life and people.

But there are tons of great teachers on this subject.

If you want a more casual intro to the ideas, I recommend watching this JRE with Jewel Kilcher:

Joe Rogan Experience #1724 - Jewel - JRE Podcast

Jewel is a Grammy award-nominated singer-songwriter, author, actress, and philanthropist.

www.jrepodcast.com

Hearing her story is what originally got me really into this stuff. She's a fascinating person, one of the most authentic people out there.

 

[Lantern]

Men heal from action.

I suggest:
- plenty of sunlight, fresh air, nature, every day
- nutritious food
- regular vigorous exercise
- regular walks
- hang out with good friends and have open, fun, deep and honest conversations
- a hobby you dedicate yourself to
- do something productive every day
- keep learning new things
- good sleep
- avoid too much sitting at home and thinking

 

[Regal Tiger]

I want to preface this by pointing out that I’ve had a rough life since always.

I am trying to cultivate a positive mental attitude. To become a genuinely optimistic person. Resilient in the face of adversity, and to radiate real positive energy that starts from within. I believe that the biggest thing that holds me back is my mind.

Can relate and you are correct in my experience

The current problem I’m facing is that it is easy for me to revert back to negative thinking patterns. When dealing with failures, not being in the best mood, even just being hungry/tired can send me down negative thought loops that last for hours or sometimes days.

Basically, it's a habit that you've cultivated. It's an emotional response that has, in a way, etched itself into your mind.

Your brain doesn't actually want you to be happy or successful, it just wants you to live. And when you come across a similar situation (anger, failure, etc.) then the brain goes into its filing cabinet to see if it's come across this situation before. It notices that it has and then it looks at what you did before

The brain is also an extremely lazy machine, it notices that what you did before must have worked because you're still alive! Congratulations, and just defaults to what it did before

A good way to visualize this actually is in a courtroom with a corrupt cop against an unprepared victim. The victim stammers in their replies and doesn't know how to defend themselves. Meanwhile, the cop who has been in this position a few times just tells the judge it was him. The judge (your brain) is busy thinking about lunch and just looks at you stammering and the cop super confident and goes "yup, sounds about right. Pay the fine"

The same thing happens when you're trying to learn how to chat up girls, going to the gym, trying out a new hobby and etc. The brain starts whispering into your ear about "why go through all this work? Just take it easy bro, there's still time"

I think about stuff that happened to me in the past, fixate on it and let out my aggression by fantasizing more favorable outcomes. I’m often plagued by stuff of the past that always seems to come to my mind’s forefront in moments where my mental strength falters. The problem is that it falters often. I don’t have a lot of ego strength. Sometimes I become so angry with what I’m thinking I scream at the top of my lungs and start beating on imaginary people. I’ll make up scenarios in my head of things that never happened where I am an aggressor and release my frustrations that way.

I know this isn’t conducive for me at all and this behavior is holding me back big time.

Took me a long ass time to get to get to that point, and it's genuinely difficult to get there. It's a hit to the ego and it sucks to admit, so my honest kudos to you

That takes a lot, it really does

Sometimes I struggle with feelings of inferiority. Certain things trigger bad memories or anger. Other times, my ego becomes out of control and I do things like physically escalating situations that didn’t need to be taken to that level.

A combination of old habits as well as ego depletion. You're so busy fighting yourself on where you should be and where you currently are and that takes its toll as well. When we're in a state of ego depletion then our emotions get dialed up to 11

Somebody cuts us off in traffic on a day where we have plenty of willpower left in the tank, it's like a 2/10 on the annoyance scale. Someone drops something in front of you when you're having a bad day and don't have anything left in the tank, that's suddenly a 9/10 on the trauma scale

And you don't have any willpower left to regulate your emotions so your body and mind default to instinctual responses. Have you ever heard of the "we have three brains" stuff? Sometimes people are talking about the heart, gut and [inside our skull] brain-brains. Other times they're talking about the three layers of brain inside our skull

Anyway, when it comes to the layers there's the amygdala, which covers our emotions and instincts. Then there's the mammalian brain or, social brain that we share with many other mammals. And finally the neocortex, or the human brain. The human brain is incredible and it allows us to do all kinds of amazing things, like type on our computers/phones to strangers on the internet about things we ourselves have experienced that maybe others haven't

However, and this next point goes back into how the brain is a lazy machine, these layers don't overwrite the others. They're built on top of each other and you can think of the earlier layers as reacting first (kind of like a chain of command where the soldier in the field will see what's happening and react to it long before the general does). Which leads us to a catchphrase some people will use that I love "The neocortex is the least informed and the last to know". That neocortex also contains our willpower, when someone cuts us off in traffic it's the part that chimes in and goes "no, we shouldn't run this dumb fucker off the road" even though our amygdala is screaming "major threat! Kill!"

But when you've got a whole bunch of negative emotions ruling your life, it shuts down our neocortex more and more. Kind of like overloading it

Sometimes I feel like a fake/imposter. On one hand I can be very confident, strong, hard to deter, and unflappable. Other times I feel like the total opposite. A loser who cannot function or achieve the things others can.

Despite that rationally, I am a tall, fit, intelligent, capable, and attractive man my mind corrupts me and I know it’s holding me back from all the good things I could be experiencing in life.

Admittedly, since discovering this forum my mentality has improved a little. I’m not getting so hung up on stuff of the past like I used to, but it still happens. I get bitter and angry at things but I let it go and realize that I have to keep moving forward because none of that is going to help me.

It takes time to work through our stuff and relapses are going to happen. The point isn't to be perfect but instead to just keep going

But I still have a lot of stuff buried beneath the surface sub-consciously and it comes out to corrupt my mind. I need to be able to somehow scoop out and replace all the years of negativity and replace it with something else that will help me grow. Instead of staying cynical or angry at the world and regressing until I’m so old I can only reminisce of the life I could have had.

Don’t want to be old and bitter. I need to rewire my brain. Replace the bad with good. Perhaps learn to accept my past and that it doesn’t dictate my future, nor have an impact in who I am now or will be in the future.

Does anyone have advice for me?

What has helped me in the past and continues to help me is hypnotherapy. Hypnosis is a way to speak directly to the subconscious mind and be guided through a lot of our neocortex's natural defenses (people call this the critical factor, or even little skeptics on our mind) to get to the subconscious and communicate with it.

Millions of people across the world go to talk therapy and it does help some

Then of course you'll have the stereotypical trope of 'girl breaks up with guy and then he hits the gym'. Gym therapy, or success therapy basically. This works too! It helps you to take back control over your life while also getting fit! Plus all the other benefits that come with that

If you don't want the gym, then take up a hobby or even hiking or something like that. Being out in nature has a lot of awesome benefits as well


But one thing to keep in mind, try to steer away from thinking "I shouldn't do blank", where blank is whatever it is you typically do, such as lash out. Because then you're basically giving mental energy into "lash out" which will then eventually happen. The brain doesn't process negatives very well, such as "don't do blank"

However, it's very good at overwriting responses and replacing them (millions of years of evolution itself proves this with the layers of our brain). So think about ways that you would prefer to react in certain situations that you come across and then try to remember to do them. There's a lot of cool stuff that goes into why I'm telling you this, but basically your mind filters out exponential amounts of data to only what it considers important.

Such as the fact that before I tell you this, you weren't thinking about how you were breathing or if it was wrong or not, same with your blink rate, but now that I mentioned them you're probably thinking about them. The same thing happens with seeing cars on the road, you filter all of them out until you start thinking about getting a certain car and suddenly you notice all of them on the road -- did everyone have the same great idea at the same time? Or is it more likely you are now seeing them?

The same thing happens with tasks. Give yourself a task to do something else and replace a certain behavior with a different one instead. Your mind will be on the lookout for when it happens again to help make it easier to do so

I talk about this in a couple of different posts and I call this technique the wave technique. It's incredibly good at creating long lasting changes that you want to see

Here's the post on my own website, that hasn't been updated in forever: https://www.charismaticbusinessman....to-beating-depression-depressions-penicillin/

Or feel free to message me and I can walk you through some hypnotherapy stuff if you'd like

 

[Ed Nigma]

Thanks for all the great advice! I'm really thankful for all the links provided and words said. I haven't had the chance to look into it today but I will read it all.

I want to say that, when I made my post, I was very tired, and I had been scouring political/chaotic/drama type of content for a few hours and it definitely affected my mood. I actually had a date set up and I got angry that the chick flaked, which caused me to start "getting off" on dramatic content and negativity to feel better. That's something that I have done many times. I will take out my negative emotions on others as a way to cope with my own emotions. After a great night sleep, hard exercise, and having a few positive interactions today I feel 100x better and I realize that I made my post at a low point, but overall in mood and thought I am improving and will continue to improve.

In my opinion, there are two main approaches to tackling such issues:
- Strengthening oneself through taking responsibility, adopting a problem-solving mindset, and increasing mental energy
- Cleaning out or healing negative unresolved issues

Strengthening oneself
By taking full responsibility for ourselves, we stop feeling resentment. Brian Tracy writes in his Psychology of Achievement:
Tony Robbins teaches this in a similar way.

The thing is that I only blame myself. Not anyone else. I will beat myself up about things I can't change anymore. However, I think if in the moment, I can say, "I am responsible for this", it is possible that it helps me feel more in control of the situation and manage to stop the downward spiral. I'll try this. And what you mentioned in regards to a problem-solving mindset, if I can view my negative emotions in the moment as problems that I need to solve, I will automatically start thinking of ways to get myself out of that mood instead of sinking deeper into it. This is quite helpful. Funny, initially when I read your post earlier in the day, I was still not feeling that great and I was a bit defensive towards your post. But I see what you mean now.

We can also empower ourselves through visualization practice - practicing the virtues we want, for example: Energy, Ambition, Determination, Courage, Confidence, Perseverance, Patience, Prudence.

Healing unresolved issues
Macavity in the old RSD forum posted a megapost back in 2016 on overcoming emotional issues. As we know, Former RSD-coach Julien Blanc has a similar program in his "Transformation mastery" - built on Eckhart Tolle's work on healing the pain-body.

Meditation, visualization, and self-affirmations are something that I was thinking about last night and that I should implement. I think it will be a huge help and perhaps what I am missing.

I downloaded the megapost, I'm going to check that out first. The thing is that, I wouldn't say I have "unresolved issues". For instance, growing up, I was physically and emotional abused/neglected. I was also sexually abused one time. None of those things bother me at all. I can think about it, talk about it to anyone, it has no emotional response in my brain.

The stuff that does get to me, particularly when I am in a bad mood, is thinking about how some years ago someone one-upped me in some way. That's what bothers me. That someone beat me in some way in the past. Got a win over me that I wasn't able to get back. It doesn't bother me generally, just when I am in this vulnerable state.

I believe that this is due to my ego. I don't have a delusional ego, but I do have a massive ego. In the sense that, my ego propels me to overcome and be better than everyone at the things I set my mind to. Even if someone is better than me at something currently, I know that, if I were to focus on that skill and hone it I will surpass you. In many ways this ego of mine doesn't allow me to give up. It keeps me moving forward and never stay comfortable and continue improving because in my mind I AM THE BEST. And I prove it. Over many years my drug addictions kept that part of me dormant for a long time. But it will always be there and now that I am sober now for like 2-3 weeks, the longest I've gone in years, well I am experiencing some issues that I never handled.

I was introduced to this concept some years ago, Counterphobic_attitude. It basically means that when you feel anxiety, or fear, instead of running away from it which is what is natural, I run into it. I tackle it head first and overcome it. Because I cannot live knowing that I was a pussy or bitch about something. Which is why stuff of the past bothers me, because I wasn't like this back then. I was a pussy ass bitch and thus sometimes I will have this feeling of being an imposter, because who I was and who I am now is pretty different.

Basically, it's a habit that you've cultivated. It's an emotional response that has, in a way, etched itself into your mind.

Yes, it's the go to sub-conscious response that I have toxically developed over the last few years of drug abuse and not better myself. It's a coping mechanism plain and simple. I need to actively start changing the way I process negative situations so that I continue moving forward and don't get caught up in them. I already started doing so today by reframing a situation.

Thinking about it now, it's crazy how those negative go-to emotional responses that I developed destroyed every single relationship I ever had. Girls that were deeply in love with me, friends that looked out for me. My personality problems burned every bridge I ever formed. I want to continue shedding this nasty side of me and become an overall much better person, for myself, and for others.

I should mention that I am diagnosed with a personality disorder. I have moderate to strong traits of several personality disorders. Just a byproduct of childhood abuse. I'm working with what I got to work with and I want to make the best of it.

A combination of old habits as well as ego depletion. You're so busy fighting yourself on where you should be and where you currently are and that takes its toll as well. When we're in a state of ego depletion then our emotions get dialed up to 11

Ego depletion. That's exactly it. At some point yesterday I "snapped" and went back to what I'm used to. How would you go about building up your ego strength?

What has helped me in the past and continues to help me is hypnotherapy. Hypnosis is a way to speak directly to the subconscious mind and be guided through a lot of our neocortex's natural defenses (people call this the critical factor, or even little skeptics on our mind) to get to the subconscious and communicate with it.

Millions of people across the world go to talk therapy and it does help some

Then of course you'll have the stereotypical trope of 'girl breaks up with guy and then he hits the gym'. Gym therapy, or success therapy basically. This works too! It helps you to take back control over your life while also getting fit! Plus all the other benefits that come with that

If you don't want the gym, then take up a hobby or even hiking or something like that. Being out in nature has a lot of awesome benefits as well

Therapy has never worked for me. They don't understand me nor are able to give me solutions that are in line with who I am. They tend to treat me differently because on medical files I am a sociopath. Even though I'm really not one. I'm a much more complicated case than some empathy-devoid, impulsive, completely selfish and manipulative person. I mean, I have 5 damn cats I rescued over the years because I started feeding them and then I couldn't just leave them stranded when I moved. I don't have a lot of empathy for people though, they've caused me a lot of damage. But I still have the ability to empathize, I just have to use it. It is not on naturally.

I already lift weights and do calisthenics. I am in better physical shape than most humans. I eat well, and I sleep a lot . I actually went to the park today and had a conversation with someone exercising with me and there were people hanging out, kids playing and it was pretty damn nice for my psyche. Felt like all the garbage evaporated from my body and mind.

But one thing to keep in mind, try to steer away from thinking "I shouldn't do blank", where blank is whatever it is you typically do, such as lash out. Because then you're basically giving mental energy into "lash out" which will then eventually happen. The brain doesn't process negatives very well, such as "don't do blank"

However, it's very good at overwriting responses and replacing them (millions of years of evolution itself proves this with the layers of our brain). So think about ways that you would prefer to react in certain situations that you come across and then try to remember to do them. There's a lot of cool stuff that goes into why I'm telling you this, but basically your mind filters out exponential amounts of data to only what it considers important.

How do I start applying hypnotherapy on myself? If you want to send it via DM please do so. And yes, I believe I read in the law of attraction that you should never think about what you don't want, only what you do want. The same idea seems to apply here.

Also, how do you go about developing more ego strength? I knew an online psychologist who was an old friend, she told me once that I had to develop my ego strength. I can't remember if she gave me any information on it but I'm going to ask her.

 

[Ed Nigma]

Men heal from action.

I suggest:
- plenty of sunlight, fresh air, nature, every day
- nutritious food
- regular vigorous exercise
- regular walks
- hang out with good friends and have open, fun, deep and honest conversations
- a hobby you dedicate yourself to
- do something productive every day
- keep learning new things
- good sleep
- avoid too much sitting at home and thinking

I do most of those things already, except for having any kind of friends or people I talk to. Other than exercising I spend all my current time at home. I notice that having nice interactions is healing.

I think that having more positive interactions + really honing into shedding the negative emotional problems I accumulated over the years is going to have the strongest impact on me.

 

[Conquistador]

I do most of those things already, except for having any kind of friends or people I talk to.

Prioritize making some friends. Even one or two good friends will make a noticeable change.

Other than exercising I spend all my current time at home.

Not ideal. The male brain wasn’t really designed for that, especially if you’re not doing useful tasks the whole time.

I notice that having nice interactions is healing.

I think that having more positive interactions + really honing into shedding the negative emotional problems I accumulated over the years is going to have the strongest impact on me.

 

[Regal Tiger]

Yes, it's the go to sub-conscious response that I have toxically developed over the last few years of drug abuse and not better myself. It's a coping mechanism plain and simple. I need to actively start changing the way I process negative situations so that I continue moving forward and don't get caught up in them. I already started doing so today by reframing a situation.

Thinking about it now, it's crazy how those negative go-to emotional responses that I developed destroyed every single relationship I ever had. Girls that were deeply in love with me, friends that looked out for me. My personality problems burned every bridge I ever formed. I want to continue shedding this nasty side of me and become an overall much better person, for myself, and for others.

I should mention that I am diagnosed with a personality disorder. I have moderate to strong traits of several personality disorders. Just a byproduct of childhood abuse. I'm working with what I got to work with and I want to make the best of it.

Good attitude to have

Ego depletion. That's exactly it. At some point yesterday I "snapped" and went back to what I'm used to. How would you go about building up your ego strength?

I'll talk about willpower and ego strength because they're linked

Willpower:
Building physical strength helps, but also testing yourself mentally helps. Build discipline/habits that you want that you can fall back on

In a way, habits are a way to offload a lot of the willpower which is linked to ego strength

Dealing with problems I'll talk about below

Ego strength:
Competence and skills will help build a lot of ego strength because it centers you on what you're capable of doing

In addition, having a true sense of "I will be okay no matter what happens" is the path to building rock solid ego strength

Which you do through, again through understanding yourself, your capabilities and through getting to a place in your life where you truly, emotionally understanding you will be okay

Because you can mentally know something but it doesn't mean that you emotionally understand something. Around here people call it absolute abundance, and there are different areas in life in which to achieve it

Finances and with women/family/sex/romance are the 2 main areas in my opinion. Others will say there are others, and those are fair arguments. Ultimately it's up to you to decide the most important areas for yourself


In addition, developing a mission will help a lot as well. Mostly because it provides you with certainty and purpose. Then anything and everything that tries to get in the way get bulldozed out of the way. Plus all the other good things it does for you


Dealing with emotional pain

This is probably the single biggest thing you can do to build both ego strength and willpower though. I'm on my phone but I think you said you don't worry about your past problems because there isn't an emotional response

I'd argue that's not a good thing because it's indicative of dissociation rather than healing. If you bury problems then they'll never get dealt with, which is painful for the subconscious mind

Which basically, you can think of the subconscious mind as a small child in this case ( called the ziegarnik effect) in which tasks/problems that are interrupted or not dealt with stick out in the mind. And that small child in our mind tugs on our sleeves trying to get us to deal with it because as powerful as the subconscious is, it can't deal with stuff like our neocortex can

For you specifically, I'd say that it's keeping some of these emotional responses raw in a way. Which is part of the reason you have the reactions that you do and part of the reason for your ego depletion

Or long story short; there's a constant emotional battle under the surface going on. Like a needle constantly poking your skin at all times. By itself you can deal with it, but then when something else pokes you it's that much more annoying

Therapy has never worked for me. They don't understand me nor are able to give me solutions that are in line with who I am. They tend to treat me differently because on medical files I am a sociopath. Even though I'm really not one. I'm a much more complicated case than some empathy-devoid, impulsive, completely selfish and manipulative person. I mean, I have 5 damn cats I rescued over the years because I started feeding them and then I couldn't just leave them stranded when I moved. I don't have a lot of empathy for people though, they've caused me a lot of damage. But I still have the ability to empathize, I just have to use it. It is not on naturally.

Yeah, finding a good therapist is a lot like finding a wife honestly. Part of the reason I dislike talking therapy so much because of the type of therapists it tends to attract

In addition, as someone pointed out above, men are doers by nature. Which is why so many people use the gym as their emotional release

I already lift weights and do calisthenics. I am in better physical shape than most humans. I eat well, and I sleep a lot . I actually went to the park today and had a conversation with someone exercising with me and there were people hanging out, kids playing and it was pretty damn nice for my psyche. Felt like all the garbage evaporated from my body and mind.

Nice!

How do I start applying hypnotherapy on myself? If you want to send it via DM please do so. And yes, I believe I read in the law of attraction that you should never think about what you don't want, only what you do want. The same idea seems to apply here.

Honestly this is something I struggle with a lot and can't fully answer your question on paper. I can guide you through some stuff to do on your own, but I can't over text

However, if you are interested look up something called the gray room (on my phone so I can't do links)

 

[Conquistador]

Yeah, finding a good therapist is a lot like finding a wife honestly. Part of the reason I dislike talking therapy so much because of the type of therapists it tends to attract

+1
Even worse when insurance comes into play. They usually will approve a limited number of sessions with outside providers, and then usually refuse to cover after that.

I gave up on conventional therapy before I even got to this forum because every time I found a halfway decent one, either insurance declining to renew or parental meddling made it so that none of them lasted very long.

 

[Adventurer]

A lot of really good answers already, for me there are 2 books that solved my intrusive / rambling thoughts problem almost overnight

Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything by Albert Ellis

Both contain very easy, actionable advice to better control your thoughts and mood. Power of Now is more on the mystical side, if that's your thing

Other than that, the reddit advice "go to therapy bro" still stands true, but you have to find a therapist that you can trust and who can understand you, which is difficult

 

[TestY]

The thing is that, I wouldn't say I have "unresolved issues". For instance, growing up, I was physically and emotional abused/neglected

Doesn't matter. You can just practice inner body meditations every time you feel reactive. This will clean things up.

Also, how do you go about developing more ego strength? I knew an online psychologist who was an old friend, she told me once that I had to develop my ego strength. I can't remember if she gave me any information on it but I'm going to ask her.

You can do it yourself through self-suggestion. The visualization I linked targets just this. Or you could listen to Hartland's ego-strengthening script, see Ego-Strengthening: Forgotten Hypnotic Technique

 

[Ed Nigma]

Prioritize making some friends. Even one or two good friends will make a noticeable change.

And if I don't enjoy making friends? I get tired of them. It becomes a chore to care or be interested in them. They eventually notice I don't really care about them if I haven't walked away yet. I can't change this and, outside of verbal stimulation and feeling good about interacting with people when I haven't in a while, I don't get anything out of it. Well, there are things like party invitations, connections, resources, friends can be useful. But, I need to care about holding a good friendship with them for that and that's the part I'm not interested in.

Willpower:
Building physical strength helps, but also testing yourself mentally helps. Build discipline/habits that you want that you can fall back on

In a way, habits are a way to offload a lot of the willpower which is linked to ego strength

What kind of discipline/habits are you referring to? Not sure I understand

Ego strength:
Competence and skills will help build a lot of ego strength because it centers you on what you're capable of doing

In addition, having a true sense of "I will be okay no matter what happens" is the path to building rock solid ego strength

Which you do through, again through understanding yourself, your capabilities and through getting to a place in your life where you truly, emotionally understanding you will be okay

But I already know I'm capable. I was a top level athlete since I was a little kid. Parents and coaches praised me and lauded me as the next big thing(except starting from such an early age deteriorated my tendon/ligament strength and eventually I had to quit). I've always been complimented on my high level of intelligence. I slept/skipped through middle/high school and passed every test without studying. When I pick up a new skill, I improve at an accelerated rate; quickly surpassing most people who've been doing it for months or years. Not the people who are elite and obsess about stuff like I do, but the ones who aren't focused like that.

I know I will be okay in life no matter what. I've spent months in jail and incarceration was just a new experience. I was sent to a military bootcamp and I turned it into a game where I would never show a hint of weakness to the drill instructors who constantly tested us every day. And I did that and passed and got to go home.

My family is rich and I am financially well off. So if I keep narrowing it down the only thing I feel that I am missing is a beautiful woman who loves me. I've had them before, so I know I'm capable of that too. But, I also ended things badly with them. So I would say that my real problem is a lack of women. A lack of bitches in my life. Not any random slut whore bitch, but a woman that actually cares about me and loves me like my ex gfs did. I can't think of anything else I really want.

Edit: Other than that I could also say I'm missing a purpose. Although fitness for me is a purpose in a way, I'm very invested in it. I have found purpose in different alleys before. Sales and Boxing for example. Or when I was in bootcamp my purpose was to be the best cadet. My interests always fizzle out though. Once I understand something at a good level, I lose interest in it. This has been the case for everything I've tried except for exercising and maybe also psychology. Which, is something that I've wanted to do. Study psych in school. Just because it's one of the very few things I actually enjoy. And I'd also get to meet chicks and be around people.

Dealing with emotional pain

This is probably the single biggest thing you can do to build both ego strength and willpower though. I'm on my phone but I think you said you don't worry about your past problems because there isn't an emotional response

I'd argue that's not a good thing because it's indicative of dissociation rather than healing. If you bury problems then they'll never get dealt with, which is painful for the subconscious mind

I didn't say that. "Don't worry" makes it seem like I'm pushing it off. I can think about what happened, I can talk about it, as I have with many therapists. It doesn't do anything because I'm not affected by it. This is part of the reason why therapists can never help me. They project what a normal person cares about, or is interested in on me. I don't blame you or them, because all your wires are set up correctly in your brain. Your neuron pathways are in tact. I don't have some of those connections. They got burned off by the brain in order to cope with being abused. For instance, one of my ex gfs, I tried getting her to talk to me about her past issues, as she had also been abused. When I tried, and pushed it, she went into a dissociative state and needed a few days to get out of that shell. She had resorted back to childhood coping mechanisms like spending hours day dreaming or reading books. This is unresolved trauma. Me? I can talk about everything in detail with no problem. I'm just wired differently.

Which basically, you can think of the subconscious mind as a small child in this case ( called the ziegarnik effect) in which tasks/problems that are interrupted or not dealt with stick out in the mind. And that small child in our mind tugs on our sleeves trying to get us to deal with it because as powerful as the subconscious is, it can't deal with stuff like our neocortex can

For you specifically, I'd say that it's keeping some of these emotional responses raw in a way. Which is part of the reason you have the reactions that you do and part of the reason for your ego depletion

Or long story short; there's a constant emotional battle under the surface going on. Like a needle constantly poking your skin at all times. By itself you can deal with it, but then when something else pokes you it's that much more annoying

I only got upset that a woman flaked on me when I had put some effort into her. Even so, since then I am less outcome dependent and I'm understanding that getting mad isn't going to do anything to help. Even then, it's not that I care about the woman in specific but I'm like, "I put this effort in for nothing. Fuck this" and that's what led to what caused me to write my post. Other than that, I'll get upset if someone one ups me or beats me in some way. Or disrespects me. I get upset for losing. But I think these are great qualities to have because it constantly pushes me to act and become a man that that stuff doesn't happen to him. Which I have been becoming more successful with over the years. None of this is related to my childhood abuse. I think you might be projecting your own self on me, and again, I don't mean that to diss you or your advice, I just think that unless someone can look through the same lens as me they won't be able to transmit it to me.

Which I think ties into the first ever response I received on this forum by @Gunwitch, where he correctly assumed that people have given me all different kinds of advice, but I already knew what I had to do. Even though I lose track of that sometimes, writing and discussing topics like this allows me to ground and center myself on what I want and need to do for myself. I also find it interesting that Gunwitch also had a rough upbringing and he seems to say things that fall in line with me. I feel that we are cut from a similar cloth and he gets it.


Circling back to what I believe I can take away from all this:

-Meditating, self-affirming positive traits
-Monitoring and replacing toxic thoughts with pleasant, positive ones
-Taking responsibility for handling negative emotions as they rise, "I am responsible for the way I currently feel." Coddle my anger, frustration, etc. Accept that I am feeling that way, say, "Yes. I'm hurt, I'm angry. It is ok. Let me hold these feelings in my arms. Soothe them." And let their power and control over me dissipate. Instead of letting those thoughts turn me into a bully or jerk. Or have me spiral into a bad mood.

The Duality of Man. Cain and Abel. Good and evil. We all have the capacity for both. For a long time, I noticed that I "split" from my more chill and pleasant personality into someone ruthless and callous. It happens when I become genuinely upset or angry, I become a completely different person and it scares the living shit out of people. Not just that but I have hurt relationships beyond repair this way. I do this because it is the only way that I learned to take control of my negative emotions, which was by hurting and submitting that which caused it.

For a while I have thought about this, and, my ultimate goal is for me to center myself and fully accept reality, so that I do not "split" and become a person that does things my regular self looks back at and does not understand it's motivations. That "evil" side is a defense mechanism. Some call that a malignant narcissist.

What I know is, that by grounding myself when experiencing negative emotions, I can stop myself from going to that "other side". Developing my ego strength should help with that too.

 

[Regal Tiger]

What kind of discipline/habits are you referring to? Not sure I understand

Any kind and all kinds, there's some spillover effect. For example, you should see some effects from your time in the gym!

But I already know I'm capable. I was a top level athlete since I was a little kid. Parents and coaches praised me and lauded me as the next big thing(except starting from such an early age deteriorated my tendon/ligament strength and eventually I had to quit). I've always been complimented on my high level of intelligence. I slept/skipped through middle/high school and passed every test without studying. When I pick up a new skill, I improve at an accelerated rate; quickly surpassing most people who've been doing it for months or years. Not the people who are elite and obsess about stuff like I do, but the ones who aren't focused like that.

Not what I meant, although having accomplishments in different areas of life do help with your confidence overall, it's not what I meant

For example, I know that when it comes to knowing how to juggle or write poetry I'm capable and confident. When it comes to online dating I know that I'm extremely capable, however daygame not so much. It's not about overall, it's about having competence in different areas


Then there's the knowing you'll truly be okay no matter what. That's an emotional lesson. Maybe you've learned it maybe you haven't, I know I have my personal opinion but at the end of the day I don't truly know you

And the last thing I'll say about it, I don't actually know if this is something that spans over your entire life, or if it's something to cultivate within each individual area of your life. There's definitely something to be said for absolute abundance in general, but I think what I'm trying to grasp at is different

It's something that I've just started to feel myself, so it's hard for me to put into exact words for you

I know I will be okay in life no matter what. I've spent months in jail and incarceration was just a new experience. I was sent to a military bootcamp and I turned it into a game where I would never show a hint of weakness to the drill instructors who constantly tested us every day. And I did that and passed and got to go home.

My family is rich and I am financially well off. So if I keep narrowing it down the only thing I feel that I am missing is a beautiful woman who loves me. I've had them before, so I know I'm capable of that too. But, I also ended things badly with them. So I would say that my real problem is a lack of women. A lack of bitches in my life. Not any random slut whore bitch, but a woman that actually cares about me and loves me like my ex gfs did. I can't think of anything else I really want.

Edit: Other than that I could also say I'm missing a purpose. Although fitness for me is a purpose in a way, I'm very invested in it. I have found purpose in different alleys before. Sales and Boxing for example. Or when I was in bootcamp my purpose was to be the best cadet. My interests always fizzle out though. Once I understand something at a good level, I lose interest in it. This has been the case for everything I've tried except for exercising and maybe also psychology. Which, is something that I've wanted to do. Study psych in school. Just because it's one of the very few things I actually enjoy. And I'd also get to meet chicks and be around people.

Having a mission or a purpose is, deep down, something that you feel internally forced to do in a way. And it doesn't always have to be a lifetime thing, sometimes we just outgrow a certain purpose. Although most whom I have talked with agree that it's something that should span over a few years at least

But when I say above that you feel forced to do it, the only way that I know how to describe it is that you're being pulled towards it. Like, think of doing a job that you don't like but you're broke, so you feel forced to do that job. That's external pressure and that's being shoved, or pushed into doing something

What I'm talking about is feeling pulled towards something, almost like a Siren singing to a passing ship and pulling sailors into their own deaths. Or like a moth to a flame, there's a certain excitement, fulfilment and I'd argue even quite a few days where you just plain don't want to do it but you feel called towards it

This is, again, another thing that I don't truly understand well enough to explain it. Sorry

I didn't say that. "Don't worry" makes it seem like I'm pushing it off. I can think about what happened, I can talk about it, as I have with many therapists. It doesn't do anything because I'm not affected by it. This is part of the reason why therapists can never help me. They project what a normal person cares about, or is interested in on me. I don't blame you or them, because all your wires are set up correctly in your brain. Your neuron pathways are in tact. I don't have some of those connections. They got burned off by the brain in order to cope with being abused. For instance, one of my ex gfs, I tried getting her to talk to me about her past issues, as she had also been abused. When I tried, and pushed it, she went into a dissociative state and needed a few days to get out of that shell. She had resorted back to childhood coping mechanisms like spending hours day dreaming or reading books. This is unresolved trauma. Me? I can talk about everything in detail with no problem. I'm just wired differently.

Possible, but again I don't truly know you. I just know that I have my own opinions

I only got upset that a woman flaked on me when I had put some effort into her. Even so, since then I am less outcome dependent and I'm understanding that getting mad isn't going to do anything to help. Even then, it's not that I care about the woman in specific but I'm like, "I put this effort in for nothing. Fuck this" and that's what led to what caused me to write my post. Other than that, I'll get upset if someone one ups me or beats me in some way. Or disrespects me. I get upset for losing. But I think these are great qualities to have because it constantly pushes me to act and become a man that that stuff doesn't happen to him. Which I have been becoming more successful with over the years. None of this is related to my childhood abuse. I think you might be projecting your own self on me, and again, I don't mean that to diss you or your advice, I just think that unless someone can look through the same lens as me they won't be able to transmit it to me.

Lol don't worry, I don't feel dissed in anyway. I'm just drawing from my own life and pool of knowledge to share with you. If you find it helpful then great, if you don't then it's nothing that I'll get offended about

Which I think ties into the first ever response I received on this forum by @Gunwitch, where he correctly assumed that people have given me all different kinds of advice, but I already knew what I had to do. Even though I lose track of that sometimes, writing and discussing topics like this allows me to ground and center myself on what I want and need to do for myself. I also find it interesting that Gunwitch also had a rough upbringing and he seems to say things that fall in line with me. I feel that we are cut from a similar cloth and he gets it.


Circling back to what I believe I can take away from all this:

-Meditating, self-affirming positive traits
-Monitoring and replacing toxic thoughts with pleasant, positive ones
-Taking responsibility for handling negative emotions as they rise, "I am responsible for the way I currently feel." Coddle my anger, frustration, etc. Accept that I am feeling that way, say, "Yes. I'm hurt, I'm angry. It is ok. Let me hold these feelings in my arms. Soothe them." And let their power and control over me dissipate. Instead of letting those thoughts turn me into a bully or jerk. Or have me spiral into a bad mood.

The Duality of Man. Cain and Abel. Good and evil. We all have the capacity for both. For a long time, I noticed that I "split" from my more chill and pleasant personality into someone ruthless and callous. It happens when I become genuinely upset or angry, I become a completely different person and it scares the living shit out of people. Not just that but I have hurt relationships beyond repair this way. I do this because it is the only way that I learned to take control of my negative emotions, which was by hurting and submitting that which caused it.

For a while I have thought about this, and, my ultimate goal is for me to center myself and fully accept reality, so that I do not "split" and become a person that does things my regular self looks back at and does not understand it's motivations. That "evil" side is a defense mechanism. Some call that a malignant narcissist.

What I know is, that by grounding myself when experiencing negative emotions, I can stop myself from going to that "other side". Developing my ego strength should help with that too.

If you believe that the above stuff will help then definitely give it a try! I'm not saying you have to do certain things or not, again I'm just giving you my own opinions

Either way though I do wish you the best of luck!

 

[Ed Nigma]

Any kind and all kinds, there's some spillover effect. For example, you should see some effects from your time in the gym!

Not what I meant, although having accomplishments in different areas of life do help with your confidence overall, it's not what I meant

For example, I know that when it comes to knowing how to juggle or write poetry I'm capable and confident. When it comes to online dating I know that I'm extremely capable, however daygame not so much. It's not about overall, it's about having competence in different areas


Then there's the knowing you'll truly be okay no matter what. That's an emotional lesson. Maybe you've learned it maybe you haven't, I know I have my personal opinion but at the end of the day I don't truly know you

And the last thing I'll say about it, I don't actually know if this is something that spans over your entire life, or if it's something to cultivate within each individual area of your life. There's definitely something to be said for absolute abundance in general, but I think what I'm trying to grasp at is different

It's something that I've just started to feel myself, so it's hard for me to put into exact words for you

Having a mission or a purpose is, deep down, something that you feel internally forced to do in a way. And it doesn't always have to be a lifetime thing, sometimes we just outgrow a certain purpose. Although most whom I have talked with agree that it's something that should span over a few years at least

But when I say above that you feel forced to do it, the only way that I know how to describe it is that you're being pulled towards it. Like, think of doing a job that you don't like but you're broke, so you feel forced to do that job. That's external pressure and that's being shoved, or pushed into doing something

What I'm talking about is feeling pulled towards something, almost like a Siren singing to a passing ship and pulling sailors into their own deaths. Or like a moth to a flame, there's a certain excitement, fulfilment and I'd argue even quite a few days where you just plain don't want to do it but you feel called towards it

This is, again, another thing that I don't truly understand well enough to explain it. Sorry

Possible, but again I don't truly know you. I just know that I have my own opinions

Lol don't worry, I don't feel dissed in anyway. I'm just drawing from my own life and pool of knowledge to share with you. If you find it helpful then great, if you don't then it's nothing that I'll get offended about

If you believe that the above stuff will help then definitely give it a try! I'm not saying you have to do certain things or not, again I'm just giving you my own opinions

Either way though I do wish you the best of luck!

Thanks my friend. Appreciate the feedback and attitude.

 

[MuST0BtA1NSkR1Lla]

I want to preface this by pointing out that I’ve had a rough life since always.

I am trying to cultivate a positive mental attitude. To become a genuinely optimistic person. Resilient in the face of adversity, and to radiate real positive energy that starts from within. I believe that the biggest thing that holds me back is my mind.

The current problem I’m facing is that it is easy for me to revert back to negative thinking patterns. When dealing with failures, not being in the best mood, even just being hungry/tired can send me down negative thought loops that last for hours or sometimes days.

I think about stuff that happened to me in the past, fixate on it and let out my aggression by fantasizing more favorable outcomes. I’m often plagued by stuff of the past that always seems to come to my mind’s forefront in moments where my mental strength falters. The problem is that it falters often. I don’t have a lot of ego strength. Sometimes I become so angry with what I’m thinking I scream at the top of my lungs and start beating on imaginary people. I’ll make up scenarios in my head of things that never happened where I am an aggressor and release my frustrations that way.

I know this isn’t conducive for me at all and this behavior is holding me back big time.

Sometimes I struggle with feelings of inferiority. Certain things trigger bad memories or anger. Other times, my ego becomes out of control and I do things like physically escalating situations that didn’t need to be taken to that level.

Sometimes I feel like a fake/imposter. On one hand I can be very confident, strong, hard to deter, and unflappable. Other times I feel like the total opposite. A loser who cannot function or achieve the things others can.

Despite that rationally, I am a tall, fit, intelligent, capable, and attractive man my mind corrupts me and I know it’s holding me back from all the good things I could be experiencing in life.

Admittedly, since discovering this forum my mentality has improved a little. I’m not getting so hung up on stuff of the past like I used to, but it still happens. I get bitter and angry at things but I let it go and realize that I have to keep moving forward because none of that is going to help me.

But I still have a lot of stuff buried beneath the surface sub-consciously and it comes out to corrupt my mind. I need to be able to somehow scoop out and replace all the years of negativity and replace it with something else that will help me grow. Instead of staying cynical or angry at the world and regressing until I’m so old I can only reminisce of the life I could have had.

Don’t want to be old and bitter. I need to rewire my brain. Replace the bad with good. Perhaps learn to accept my past and that it doesn’t dictate my future, nor have an impact in who I am now or will be in the future.

Does anyone have advice for me?

Oh wow I’ve been having this lately to a lesser degree mind you but I’ve still been having it.

There is nothing wrong with reminiscing, I often find when I’m the company of my friends we all laugh and cheer each other about days and years that have been far far in the past.

I’ve changed recently towards the better I feel but the last couple years have been a knocker for sure. And it’s funny I might not be super tall, super strong etc…etc…. But people quite often say two things about me. One is I have a very heavy presence and I can notice I make people spill their spaghetti in my vicinity and the other thing they say is I’m rude.

Yet I’ve always taken the mindset they wouldn’t say this too someone if they were 6 foot ten ah see the rabbit hole there? But at the same time now I’m rich, I’m actually a little bit more powerful I can actually go rock back and speak my mind I have no restrictions I have to follow I’m a free man.
Lastly and this is the toughest part to follow through but do things differently. If you are finding yourself at the same mind sets and are getting the same memories acting up per of the reason why is you are comfortable with the familiar. When I’m setting up a camp, or working on classic cars or gardening I’m usually too busy and inspired to be thinking back to whatever junk food dopamine high my brains trying to create with going back into my memories.

First video I like. Alot of media aimed at my demographic lately has been about growing up. I use to watch Adventure Time when I was a kid and I liked it before it was super sjw. But I’d recommend watching Hall Of Egress cause the episode hits what you are hitting here.

TikTok - Make Your Day

And then for some reason I’m reminded of the ending to Metal Gear Solid 4, but that is an experience you’ll have to one day sit down and play.

Hope this helps
MuSt0

 

[Ed Nigma]

Thank you skrilla. Cool name btw.

I am not suffering from these memories anymore. I am now a month and a week sober from any substance. Seems like my mind has been purified from a lot of toxins. I'm not having any angry thoughts, and my emotions are stable.

 

[MuST0BtA1NSkR1Lla]

Thank you skrilla. Cool name btw.

I am not suffering from these memories anymore. I am now a month and a week sober from any substance. Seems like my mind has been purified from a lot of toxins. I'm not having any angry thoughts, and my emotions are stable.

Victorious, may you always have hot women, great fortune and good times.

Cheers
MuSt0

 

[Rthm]

habits that have helped my mental state:

1) journaling. More precisely doing 'morning pages' as described in 'The Artist's Way' book, plus gratitude - write down 3 things I'm grateful for each day. Gratitude mental habit can also be strengthened during day to day life.

2) 'meditation' - I use a Do Nothing meditation where I set a timer and lie down in the corpse pose for an hour. Let whatever happens, happen, just lie there.


3) eating beef. Like I basically do a keto carnivore diet, and it tends to zen me out.