How to deal with an influential "friend" sleeping with your ex?

[Winston]

I had a girlfriend for 1 year and she dumped me to go back with her boyfriend (basically reverse monkey branching, since initially she cheated on him with me). The break up was 2.5 years ago.

I very recently learned that she cheated and then dumped this boyfriend (monkey branching again) to be with a "friend" of mine.

This "friend" wasn't that close, we weren't talking very often, but I think there was some kind of mutual respect between us. To give some highlights of our relationship, a few years ago he invited me to his house abroad for spending a few days of vacations. And just a few months ago, he proposes me again to sleep at his place when he learned that I would visit the new country where he has settled, and also at some other time was talking about doing some trip abroad together (admittely, this "trip abroad" talk was drunk talk).

So we weren't the best friends in the world, we weren't talking together each weeks or not even once a month, but there was some kind of friendship links I think. I know that if he would have asked me something, I would have tried to help him.

How would you deal with the fact that someone you have this kind of relationship with, date your ex girlfriend of 2.5 years ago?
It is "fair game" to sleep with the ex of someone after 2.5 years? Is it normal that I feel bad about that, or is there something wrong with me and I should have move on long ago, and have no resentment toward this "friend"?

Another point that piss me off is that he didn't even bother to send me a message before making public his relationship with her. I think this is a serious lack of consideration for me on his part, and the minimum he should have done was to tell it to me himself, rather than to let me learn this fact through intermediaires.

So basically, how should I deal with this whole situation? Just suck it up and, next time I see him, smile like nothing happened, or tell him that's not cool?

Also he is very wealthy and influential in a social circle important to me, so there will be social consequences if I clash with him.
But the fact that he didn't even bother to text me before making his relationship with her public seems difficult to suck it up.

 

[Skills]

I had a girlfriend for 1 year and she dumped me to go back with her boyfriend (basically reverse monkey branching, since initially she cheated on him with me). The break up was 2.5 years ago.

I very recently learned that she cheated and then dumped this boyfriend (monkey branching again) to be with a "friend" of mine.

This "friend" wasn't that close, we weren't talking very often, but I think there was some kind of mutual respect between us. To give some highlights of our relationship, a few years ago he invited me to his house abroad for spending a few days of vacations. And just a few months ago, he proposes me again to sleep at his place when he learned that I would visit the new country where he has settled, and also at some other time was talking about doing some trip abroad together (admittely, this "trip abroad" talk was drunk talk).

So we weren't the best friends in the world, we weren't talking together each weeks or not even once a month, but there was some kind of friendship links I think. I know that if he would have asked me something, I would have tried to help him.

How would you deal with the fact that someone you have this kind of relationship with, date your ex girlfriend of 2.5 years ago?
It is "fair game" to sleep with the ex of someone after 2.5 years? Is it normal that I feel bad about that, or is there something wrong with me and I should have move on long ago, and have no resentment toward this "friend"?

Another point that piss me off is that he didn't even bother to send me a message before making public his relationship with her. I think this is a serious lack of consideration for me on his part, and the minimum he should have done was to tell it to me himself, rather than to let me learn this fact through intermediaires.

So basically, how should I deal with this whole situation? Just suck it up and, next time I see him, smile like nothing happened, or tell him that's not cool?

Also he is very wealthy and influential in a social circle important to me, so there will be social consequences if I clash with him.
But the fact that he didn't even bother to text me before making his relationship with her public seems difficult to suck it up.

simple friend gone/done/hard nexted

ex= one of the best thing that happened to you, you imagine still being with that...

 

[trashKENNUT]

So basically, how should I deal with this whole situation? Just suck it up and, next time I see him, smile like nothing happened, or tell him that's not cool?

It is not good for you to tell him that it is not cool.

1)He is not a close friend
2)He has power and connections

:/

All you can do and this is a personal power is to not respond to his text. Not respond to his advances.

Just smile "neutrally".

Sidenote:

It reminds me of a female classmate who texted me and my best friend while me and him were out shopping together.

And this is a smart girl. The best in class and school.

This thing, will be exposed in the next 5 - 100 years. Both men and women. Their darksides. And hear this from me. I am very aware and careful about labeling "darkness" and the levels of realities.

One of the big motivations why i am on Girlschase. I see this threat, where if we cannot have the conversation, i believe this reluctance will destroy society if we are not sincere about it.

z@c+

 

[Rakehell]

I understand your dilemma, but I also feel like you know how to respond. Was it shady for him not to consider your feelings? Sure. But also any confrontation you provoke will be deflected by telling you “well she doesn’t belong to you”.

So that goes out the window. The best you can hope for is for him to come to you and apologize. Other than that I’d just cut the guy off completely had I felt the same as you do about it.

 

[Winston]

simple friend gone/done/hard nexted

ex= one of the best thing that happened to you, you imagine still being with that...

Yeah the ex is a pretty nasty thing but I cannot help to be affected by this. Besides her total lack of moral standards and expert manipulation skills, she had many qualities.

Regarding the ex-friend, I will inevitably see him in social events, should I just say "hi" when I see him and eject as rapidly as possible? Or flat out ignore him and doesn't even answer him even if he talks to me?
(I am currently ignoring the ex when I see her in social events since 1 year, not even saying her "hi").

Anyways, thanks for the answer, it makes things pretty straightforward and it helps a lot.

 

[ulrich]

Not sure if I am getting this right but it sounds like you have barely talked with any of these two people in more than a year.

It sucks indeed and it is normal to feel the way you feel but I don’t think any of them owed you anything.

So just let it go.
Easier said than done, I know. But there’s nothing for you to win by antagonizing this guy that is not really that much of a friend anyways.

 

[Darius]

I've been in a very similar situation - ex banged a famous actor/musician that was part of the same social circle. Guy had huge value. It's not an easy thing to face that's for sure.

If it's been years since your relationship and the guy doesn't know you that well then it's not really expected for him to ask your approval imo. That doesn't mean your feelings are invalid.

I'd do what I actually did, act as if the guy is a total stranger and forget about the girl. In my case I tried to befriend him because he was very cool and respectful towards me but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Sometimes you just have to let the ego win.

 

[Rakehell]

It sucks indeed and it is normal to feel the way you feel but I don’t think any of them owed you anything

Yes this would be the ultimate reasoning. But can we not all agree that the friend has shown his values on women in general. I doubt they haven’t had a conversation where Winston was the topic atleast once (being in the same circle).

Not to say theres anything wrong with the guy, but if you’re someone who still feels significant attachment to previous lovers he’d still be someone you wanna steer clear from. At the very least don’t bring them around.

 

[Alpha13SC]

I had a girlfriend for 1 year and she dumped me to go back with her boyfriend (basically reverse monkey branching, since initially she cheated on him with me). The break up was 2.5 years ago.

I very recently learned that she cheated and then dumped this boyfriend (monkey branching again) to be with a "friend" of mine.

This "friend" wasn't that close, we weren't talking very often, but I think there was some kind of mutual respect between us. To give some highlights of our relationship, a few years ago he invited me to his house abroad for spending a few days of vacations. And just a few months ago, he proposes me again to sleep at his place when he learned that I would visit the new country where he has settled, and also at some other time was talking about doing some trip abroad together (admittely, this "trip abroad" talk was drunk talk).

So we weren't the best friends in the world, we weren't talking together each weeks or not even once a month, but there was some kind of friendship links I think. I know that if he would have asked me something, I would have tried to help him.

How would you deal with the fact that someone you have this kind of relationship with, date your ex girlfriend of 2.5 years ago?
It is "fair game" to sleep with the ex of someone after 2.5 years? Is it normal that I feel bad about that, or is there something wrong with me and I should have move on long ago, and have no resentment toward this "friend"?

Another point that piss me off is that he didn't even bother to send me a message before making public his relationship with her. I think this is a serious lack of consideration for me on his part, and the minimum he should have done was to tell it to me himself, rather than to let me learn this fact through intermediaires.

So basically, how should I deal with this whole situation? Just suck it up and, next time I see him, smile like nothing happened, or tell him that's not cool?

Also he is very wealthy and influential in a social circle important to me, so there will be social consequences if I clash with him.
But the fact that he didn't even bother to text me before making his relationship with her public seems difficult to suck it up.

Seems like you dodged a bullet not being with this girl anymore. Anyway, that isn't a close friend, so there aren't really guidelines like a bro code between close friends. What I would do: If I would know that there's a mutual respect between me and that boy, I would let him know that what he did is not cool. If is something I don't really care or respect, I just let it slide. Because there isn't a ground where we two actually should respect this kind of situations also.

I don't think it really matters what you'll do, because it will not change the output. Maybe go with whatever makes you feel better, do it for you.

Maybe ask yourself why is difficult to see your ex with somebody else? You should date better girls that ll make you forget about her. Be grateful that it ended, because sooner or later, that girl could have been pulling more cheat moves in your past ltr.

 

[Winston]

Not sure if I am getting this right but it sounds like you have barely talked with any of these two people in more than a year.

It sucks indeed and it is normal to feel the way you feel but I don’t think any of them owed you anything.

So just let it go.
Easier said than done, I know. But there’s nothing for you to win by antagonizing this guy that is not really that much of a friend anyways.

I talked with the ex-friend quite often, no latter than 1 week ago. I was asking him news because I learned he tested positive for covid. When we interacted over messages, he didn't tell me anything whereas all the social circle already knew (I was abroad at this time, so I didn't go to the social event where they showed up).

About not owing me something, I think they actually should have owed me one little thing: consideration.
Not telling it to me before showing it to everyone isn't something that looks very considerate.

I've been in a very similar situation - ex banged a famous actor/musician that was part of the same social circle. Guy had huge value. It's not an easy thing to face that's for sure.

If it's been years since your relationship and the guy doesn't know you that well then it's not really expected for him to ask your approval imo. That doesn't mean your feelings are invalid.

I'd do what I actually did, act as if the guy is a total stranger and forget about the girl. In my case I tried to befriend him because he was very cool and respectful towards me but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Sometimes you just have to let the ego win.

Yep, what is really difficult is the fact that the guy has huge value. It destroys the ego (a brand new time after the initial break up).

We actually knew each other quite well. For examples talking several times about girls and our respective relationships when we both have one. But I wasn't expecting him asking for approval, I know if he had to choose between the relationship with me or my ex, he would go for the one with my ex.

 

[Skills]

Yeah the ex is a pretty nasty thing but I cannot help to be affected by this. Besides her total lack of moral standards and expert manipulation skills, she had many qualities.

Regarding the ex-friend, I will inevitably see him in social events, should I just say "hi" when I see him and eject as rapidly as possible? Or flat out ignore him and doesn't even answer him even if he talks to me?
(I am currently ignoring the ex when I see her in social events since 1 year, not even saying her "hi").

Anyways, thanks for the answer, it makes things pretty straightforward and it helps a lot.

ok that is a good idea for a post give me a few.... And yeah with the friend, the head node (none verbal hi from a distance), if he engages you don't be nasty but unwelcome body language and short answers (he will get the hint), if he does apologized(i doubt it, he is embarrassed), cool i accept the apology, no grudges, but same as before cold body language, short, and move it along... The thing is you were not close "friends" he really does not owe you anything, it does happen (i unfortunately have done this, dick sometimes is powerful, but i have never ever in a million years kept those girls in relationships or even rotations, that dude is retarded)...Most of the time is not him doing the seduction but her, believe it or not, he happen to be the target...

 

[0---]

I'm going to disagree with most here.


Nobody owes you anything. It appears this dude has shared his value and wealth with you generously despite not being super close. She's your ex, not your toy.


Suck it up man. Your feelings may be "valid" but some feelings are better not to act on because they make us weak.


If that girl really is that bad a character, you should only feel a little sorry for him for ending up with somebody disloyal.


Other than that, get over it! It's 2.5y already!

 

[Skills]

I'm going to disagree with most here.


Nobody owes you anything. It appears this dude has shared his value and wealth with you generously despite not being super close. She's your ex, not your toy.


Suck it up man. Your feelings may be "valid" but some feelings are better not to act on because they make us weak.


If that girl really is that bad a character, you should only feel a little sorry for him for ending up with somebody disloyal.


Other than that, get over it! It's 2.5y already!

o if you read my response i made that point, however is a bit of a slap in the face or lack of respect... If i am going to "Date" vs a fling, i would respectfully at least bring the subject with the "friend", i am sure op would have been cool or anybody for that matter...

 

[Winston]

Absolutely Skills is right, I wasn't expecting anything regarding him not sleeping with her, but I was expecting him to act more straightwardly with me.
If he would have told me beforehand I obviously couldn't have say something against it. I would have suck it up and it could actually had strenghtened our relationship.

But indeed I think he was the target of the seduction, so he wasn't necessarily controlling many things.

To sum up, I could have suck up the "sleeping with the ex" part, but not the lack of consideration.

 

[ulrich]

Well, you can always text the guy something like:

“hey dude, I heard you’re dating my ex, what the fuck? that took me by surprise”

The frame here is you’re not angry… you’re confused and surprised.

Then you decide if he is someone worth your friendship according to wether he apologizes for the lack or consideration or dismisses your concerns.

 

[ph40]

What's the big deal? Once she's single she's fair game for everyone.

Just because some guy was maybe your friend doesn't mean he doesn't have a sex drive and can't be attracted to someone you used to date. I don't see the problem at all.

 

[topcat]

Ay most guys think with their dick, and will throw friends under the bus for pussy. It is what it is.

Don’t sweat it though. Sit on the sidelines with popcorn, for this girl is his own punishment. Being a serial cheater and given how quickly he got serious with her… she’s likely to wreck him. Enjoy

Go occupy yourself with other women in the meantime. This man is barely a friend.

 

[0---]

o if you read my response i made that point, however is a bit of a slap in the face or lack of respect... If i am going to "Date" vs a fling, i would respectfully at least bring the subject with the "friend", i am sure op would have been cool or anybody for that matter...

Real men take a slap in the face with dignity.

You don't control the behaviour of others.

But you control yours.

And how you react to your feelings.

 

[Warped Mindless]

Who cares?

Shes an ex, he’s a dude you are barely friends with… do you not have bigger things in life to focus on?

 

[Will_V]

The way I look at it, this is one of those things that needs some internal management rather than emotion.

Once a girl is your ex, especially if the relationship went for some time, it's hard to be completely cool with seeing her with someone else.

But on the other hand, if she's not yours, she's someone else's, that's just a fact of life. Would you rather she was with someone you disliked?

Remember that back in the day, men gave their daughters to other men to improve the bonds of friendship. If a man can give his daughter to a friend knowing he's going to bang her, is it really that bad letting a friend have your ex?

If the guy is useful enough to have in your life, I don't think ex-pussy is worth throwing it away for. Just think of it as him getting your sloppy seconds.

...

I had a somewhat similar situation. I had a car and after the breakup I let my ex drive it around for a while since I didn't have a place to keep it (not a great idea but anyways). So someone rammed it and the insurance company took it to the wrecking yard etc etc. Long story short her new bf came to get her belongings, but I was going to check the damage at the same time. My ex almost lost it trying to recoordinate things but we ended up there at the same time. He was nervous af, I was a bit annoyed but mainly about the car. But we got along ok, he offered me a lift back, and all seemed well.

A few weeks later they broke up because he could not pass her shit tests, but that's another story.

Anyway, thing is, I was over her so I was like well ok, I'm not going to pretend to be pleased to meet him, but it is what it is.

I think he had far more to worry about from me (and it might have been part of why they broke up) because I knew that he knew that I'd gone the whole nine yards with her, and he was struggling at the starting line.