How to fight validation and neediness?

[normajean106]

I realized a while back that the core issue that's holding me back from being average to great in relationships/social events/other hobbies and activities, is that I have a somewhat serious issue with validation. I realized that when I interact with certain people, I am subconsciously trying to seek validation by getting superficial reactions from them. I don't know why, but I really have to fight just to suppress this trait mentally. Even then, this needy behavior occasionally creeps back out again depending on what the conversation flow looks like. For something this deep, I know I should probably see a psychiatrist, but I was wondering if anyone else could shed some light on this issue and maybe share a personal experience on what helped them overcome this challenge. The thing is, is that it's kind of terrible because it's preventing me from doing a lot of exciting things in my life.

 

[Paulie Walnuts]

I understand this because I do it too, not sure how to pull it back. Probably just catching it whenever you're doing it and stopping, that's what I'm trying to do.

 

[normajean106]

I understand this because I do it too, not sure how to pull it back. Probably just catching it whenever you're doing it and stopping, that's what I'm trying to do.

Yeah, I'm trying to do that too. I guess that's why they call this a process, though. Rome wasn't built in a day, after all.

 

[ray_zorse]

I suggest to read "Healing the Shame that Binds You" $4.74 on Kindle here. Nearly always this kind of behaviour is caused by issues in our upbringing that led us to believe we aren't good enough (=toxic shame) and caused us to adopt approval-seeking behaviour as a mal-adaptation to our early environment that we couldn't otherwise control. He suggests specific targeted meditations and hypnosis techniques that help to remove shame and give it back to the people who shamed us when we were little. It isn't a trivial fix but I believe the techniques work given persistence.
Ray

 

[Fuck This]

I think it is about knowing YOUR value. A sort of mental acknowledgement to yourself that you are above the people you used to seek validation from.

It could be as simple as something you know you do well, and saying to yourself "Pfft. Joe Blow there couldn't (insert your strength). That's ok I'm gonna go over there and greet him anyway he needs MY validation."

REMEMBER THIS IS YOUR INNER VOICE. These are your people, you are being welcoming and you are in YOUR HOUSE.

I started thinking this with Adults my Dads age, who I looked up to growing up would come into my work, and I had to establish my worth with them.

 

[normajean106]

Thank's guys for the advie. I'll loook into Healing the Shame and i'll check it out.