How To Gain Back A Girl Who Auto-Rejected Due To Lack Of Commitment

[Developing_Man]

Hey so I met this girl off Hinge in late July.
She wanted a relationship and talked alot about the future.
I read the articles on the friends with benefits cycle and it literally played out that way.
2 and a half months in she started hinting at meeting her friends and becoming bf/gf.
3 months and one week in thats when she started seriously questioning the relationship and poking chinks in my armor.
- chinks include, me being a bit quiet
- me being sometimes late to dates
- me falling asleep early.
We were acting like bf/gf and gradaully increasingly sharing our lives together.
I told her I will ask her at the 4 month mark time, without realizing that's a very risky proposal.

4 months hit, I come over to her place at 2AM, fucked like crazy. Went for brunch, went shopping,
had a nap, took care of her arm because it was reacting to her training the day before and then we went to a comedy show.
I fell asleep in the last 15 mins and thats when she shut down and me and decided to break us up.

She sent angry texts saying she waitied for me to make it official and it never happened. I told her it was going to happen this week,
but she still felt insulted. I explained to her that label meant a great deal to me because of my past (i had a 10 year break up that ended traumatically),
but it didn't matter to her at that time. I told her I want us to be bf/gf but it was too late.

She sent me this last text:

Today was hard. There were a lot of moments today where I thought to myself, I can't wait to tell Sidney, or I wonder what he would think about this. I know I'm the one who instigated the break up and therefore it's not fair that I keep texting you. But I just wanted to text you one last time to say that I hope if nothing else, that you realize I really did like you even if I'm terrible at showing my feelings for other people. I miss you already and I hope that you'll continue to invest in yourself because you're a good bean. Lastly, I hope one day you'll be able to look back on this relationship with a smile on your face because I know I will. Grateful to have met you Xoxo

So she def auto-rejected and I want her back...
I am trying to focus but its terrible feeling wanting to make the commitment, trying to give myself time and then end up losing her.
By her accounts, she said our physical and spirtual chemistry was good but lost the emotional chemistry, so there is a good reason
for her to come circling back.

What do you guys think?

Thanks,

Sidney

 

[KJ Francis]

Don't send anything until someone more experienced shows up (don't incriminate yourself with no lawyer present lol)

But I think it's going to be rooted in being ok with her leaving. If you search GC for Robin Williams I believe there's a Mrs. Doubtfire party video. Don't make concessions so she will stay.

I thought you were like 17 then saw 10 year relationship. Future promise of bf/gf official?? Then didn't deliver? Good luck man, seriously. I know two couples who had wedding venues booked before the official marriage proposal with a ring and can't relate to this sort of thinking.

 

[Developing_Man]

I already tried to explain the situaiton and that I was going to ask to be official that week before drama happened... but she ended it and I started no contact after she sent me the message. It's hard as hell... this is my first multi month long relationship with a girl I liked... since I had a 10 year break up... so my actual dating experience is not that high

 

[Chase]

Her problem is feeling like you do not really cherish her.

So what you need to communicate to her is that you TOTALLY cherish her, in fact way more than she realized (which is true, right? Seems to be based on what you wrote here), and make it very clear that she is throwing away a guy who deeply cherishes her and thinks the world of her.

The way you do that is by framing it as you were going to do what you said, but she got impatient and could not wait, so she ran off and left behind exactly what she wanted (and now is going to have to go look for it all over again from scratch in the dating game). But in a way that, again, is building her up and cherishing her, because you really do, right?

Then you want to close by making it clear that you are going to accept her unilateral ditching of you, and make sure she understands that 100% of the responsibility for the breakup is on her. Because, again, it is. (if there is one thing women hate, it is having to shoulder the blame for missing out on something they really, really wanted)

Thus, here's what you send:

That’s a sweet message. Thank you. It’s crazy because I was talking to my friends all week about, “How do I make this official boyfriend/girlfriend in like a smooth way?” haha. That’s me though, too slow on the draw! Reach the gate but the plane’s already left. Anyway, I think sometimes things are just not meant to be. Like you said, you broke up and wanted out. We all have to go for what we truly want (like guys who are faster than I am, for instance ). I know you’re going to be just fine. You’re the most awesome girl I’ve met in forever. You will get whatever guy you want. So happy I met you too, and I am really, really going to miss you. Xoxo​

Chase

P.S. Only send this if you fully intend to NEVER contact her first yourself ever again until/unless she messages you back first wanting to seriously talk or resume. This is a hardcore ball-in-her-court text. Do not send it unless you are 100% ready to move on if she does not respond. If you can't do that, don't send this text, and instead wait for someone else to advise you with a different style / strategy than I use for these types of situations.

 

[TomInHo]

Not sure why you promised a relationship a month later. Seems like a very odd move to me because if you want a relationship with her then why push it back?

She dumped you because she felt you were stringing her along and not being honest about your intentions

Best move is radio silence. Don’t message her or apologize or tell her you wanted more or whatever… Let her go into the market and see what it’s really like

Btw I also tend to have FBs “breakup” with me around the holidays but they always seem to comeback around March/April

Very weird phenomenon but just keep living your life and don’t be surprised if she pings you out of the blue soonish

 

[DoWhatWorks]

You've already got good advice from Chase and TomInHo which cover the 2 different styles that you can take here.

In any case you'll learn from this experience and will be able to improve from it

I'm just commenting to pick up on your frame (which is everything in LTRs whether with this girl or someone else)

she started seriously questioning the relationship and poking chinks in my armor.
- chinks include, me being a bit quiet
- me being sometimes late to dates
- me falling asleep early.

You being quiet? Wtf she's known you for months but now it's a "chink"??
late to dates? Own it you're a busy guy
falling asleep early? You have your shit together and don't want to be a coffee addicted drone like most people

The root issue as Chase said is she felt uncherished/unappreciated. Don't let her outburst distract you from the root issue.

Addressing the emotion (her feeling unappreciated) may have kept her in your life even without the GF title.

Not always but it works more than you'd think.

I also keep saying this like a broken record... I don't know why guys on forum insist on wifeying up girls in sub 6 months

FBs “breakup” with me around the holidays but they always seem to comeback around March/April

Forgot about this trend - seeing it myself

 

[KJ Francis]

You’re the most awesome girl I’ve met in forever. You will get whatever guy you want

These are so good lol
"met in forever" not "ever met"
"whatever guy" huh... Signed the one who got away

Ball in court worked great recently in a more short term context for setting a date too. The girl wouldn't stop bantering and was brushing over soft closes. It was kind of signaling like ok I am willing to walk here and she instantly texted free tomorrow.

 

[KJ Francis]

Is the March/April thing just post Valentine's failure? She had no boyfriend to bring to Christmas, then needs a lover again for the rainy months before she's out and about in the summer?

 

[Developing_Man]

So I sent her something similar to what chase sent.
And she told me she wants to reconnect in the new year and we should have december to ourselves.
So i think I develop a game plan for when we reconnect.

Obviously its the seriousness of our relationship and I think I will just make it clear how close I was.
Any thoughts?

 

[Tony D]

So I sent her something similar to what chase sent.
And she told me she wants to reconnect in the new year and we should have december to ourselves.
So i think I develop a game plan for when we reconnect.

Obviously its the seriousness of our relationship and I think I will just make it clear how close I was.
Any thoughts?

As soon as you see her again, shoot a baby straight into her. She'll be yours forever. ;P Good luck.

 

[gameboy]

Any thoughts?

Meet new girls meanwhile

 

[Developing_Man]

So, I was suppose to text this girl again mid january and re-connect.
I just want to make sure I enter this re-connection with the right frame.
She wants the label and everything that comes with it... I want it to....
But I feel like she is going to test me...
How should I mentally approach this re-connection...

 

[topcat]

So, I was suppose to text this girl again mid january and re-connect.
I just want to make sure I enter this re-connection with the right frame.
She wants the label and everything that comes with it... I want it to....
But I feel like she is going to test me...
How should I mentally approach this re-connection...

Firstly, accept that it may be dead in the water. Start from the assumption that the relationship is over.

Also,

do not lead with the idea that you’re now going to give her what she needs..

Instead,

Pace her, figure out where her mindset is, where she’s at in life, and reseduce her as you would an old lover.

Once you two are dating and lovers again, then you can worry about giving her what she needs (according to her present needs, not what she claimed to want in the past).

But first accept that it’s done. If you can’t do that, don’t bother reaching out.

 

[gameboy]

Assume she banged one or two new guys meanwhile. I mean, on NYE for any just decently attractive girl, getting laid is about as easy as stepping out of the house.

 

[topcat]

Assume she banged one or two new guys meanwhile. I mean, on NYE for any just decently attractive girl, getting laid is about as easy as stepping out of the house.

irrelevant. plus, do you know how many “hot” girls go through dry spells?

 

[gameboy]

irrelevant. plus, do you know how many “hot” girls go through dry spells?

Of course! I'm just saying, it's best to have a mindset that she's gone cold meanwhile. Maybe she is seeing someone new.

... and if not, and she still wants the OP, that's obviosuly great! But if you go in with that assumption, you might be in for a disappointment.

 

[Developing_Man]

Assume she banged one or two new guys meanwhile. I mean, on NYE for any just decently attractive girl, getting laid is about as easy as stepping out of the house.

lol... well i banged 3 girls so... abundance is not a problem, OLD is a factory for me.

irrelevant. plus, do you know how many “hot” girls go through dry spells?

I actually don't know... I have a friend who is in hte dating market for a long time and he otld me the numbers for the hottest chicks over a 10-15 year period can hit the hundreds...

 

[Developing_Man]

Firstly, accept that it may be dead in the water. Start from the assumption that the relationship is over.

Also,

do not lead with the idea that you’re now going to give her what she needs..

Instead,

Pace her, figure out where her mindset is, where she’s at in life, and reseduce her as you would an old lover.

Once you two are dating and lovers again, then you can worry about giving her what she needs (according to her present needs, not what she claimed to want in the past).

But first accept that it’s done. If you can’t do that, don’t bother reaching out.

Well I guess I messed up already LOL, I have never tried a relationship recovery before so I don't know what the process looks like.
I used chatGpt to summarize the conversation. You = me in this conversation

• Initial Catch-up: The conversation started with both of you inquiring about how the new year has been going. You both shared that 2024 has started well, with you mentioning "lots of cool opportunities" that have arisen.
• Meet-up Suggestion: You suggested catching up in person sometime next week at a cozy bar you wanted to try. Mandy, however, indicated that the upcoming week wouldn’t work for her, suggesting the possibility of meeting the following week. She also mentioned that she’s doing "dry January," so she won't be drinking alcohol.
• Your Follow-up: You responded understandingly to her availability and inquired about her decision to do "dry January," asking what she hoped to gain, especially noting that she doesn't drink excessively.
• Mandy’s Clarification: Mandy replied that she's just giving her liver a break, implying that her choice is more about health than addressing any issue with alcohol.
• Your Joke and Her Clarification: You made a lighthearted joke about making her a smoothie with liver-cleansing ingredients. Following this, Mandy clarified her intentions for meeting up, stating she wants to have a conversation for closure, and reaffirmed her belief that you both aren’t meant to be together.
• Your Response to Closure: You expressed that you were trying to keep the texting lighthearted until the meetup, but acknowledged her stance and seemed to accept the idea of discussing things further in person for closure.

So I guess that is that and I intend on being honest and authentic without being non-needy but i guess I messed up the interaction or maybe I had no chance. What do you think?

 

[topcat]

Well I guess I messed up already LOL, I have never tried a relationship recovery before so I don't know what the process looks like.
I used chatGpt to summarize the conversation. You = me in this conversation

• Initial Catch-up: The conversation started with both of you inquiring about how the new year has been going. You both shared that 2024 has started well, with you mentioning "lots of cool opportunities" that have arisen.
• Meet-up Suggestion: You suggested catching up in person sometime next week at a cozy bar you wanted to try. Mandy, however, indicated that the upcoming week wouldn’t work for her, suggesting the possibility of meeting the following week. She also mentioned that she’s doing "dry January," so she won't be drinking alcohol.
• Your Follow-up: You responded understandingly to her availability and inquired about her decision to do "dry January," asking what she hoped to gain, especially noting that she doesn't drink excessively.
• Mandy’s Clarification: Mandy replied that she's just giving her liver a break, implying that her choice is more about health than addressing any issue with alcohol.
• Your Joke and Her Clarification: You made a lighthearted joke about making her a smoothie with liver-cleansing ingredients. Following this, Mandy clarified her intentions for meeting up, stating she wants to have a conversation for closure, and reaffirmed her belief that you both aren’t meant to be together.
• Your Response to Closure: You expressed that you were trying to keep the texting lighthearted until the meetup, but acknowledged her stance and seemed to accept the idea of discussing things further in person for closure.

So I guess that is that and I intend on being honest and authentic without being non-needy but i guess I messed up the interaction or maybe I had no chance. What do you think?

It's done.

Anything more is needy and burying yourself deeper. You don't owe her closure, her asking for it is a power move on her part.

Me personally, I'd cancel next week's meetup and move on. If she reaches out eventually, she reaches out.

 

[Developing_Man]

It's done.

Anything more is needy and burying yourself deeper. You don't owe her closure, her asking for it is a power move on her part.

Me personally, I'd cancel next week's meetup and move on. If she reaches out eventually, she reaches out.

Yeah I thought so. I but sometimes I still struggle with understanding this concept of power move. Like I understand how humans are always fighting for control of the narrative of the situation because whomever controls the narrative has power right. But in relationships where I genuinely care about the person, I don't want there nor do I believe their should be a power struggle.
But maybe I am naive... She is pissed because she told me "I'll let you decide when we become official". And it didn't happen in the timeline she expected it. So I guess she gave me power in the relationship and I let her down in her eyes. But acknowledging that makes me look weak from here on out?