How to handle a girl who doesn't "sleep around"

[jonnywishbone]

Hi, I'm pretty new to this and I don't have a lot of experience. I met a girl recently in a bar, we had some good banter, and I kissed her (she was quite keen), then I had to leave. I took her number and asked her out a week later. We went out for drinks and food and it went quite well, but I knew when I met her for the date I just wasn't that into her. She was nice, but I just knew I wouldn't want a relationship.

All that said I pushed things and tried to get her back to mine. She said she "doesn't sleep around" and "she'd only just met me" etc. I persisted anyway to see if she would change her mind. Eventually she seemed to be wavering, but her social conditioning won over and she went home on her own.

I've been flirting over text and pushing the sexual side of things since then. I'm going to see her again this weekend but this is my dilemma - I don't want to hurt her and I have a feeling that once I've slept with her once or twice I'll probably want to move on. If I know this now, is it wrong to sleep with her? Is there a way of being up-front with her about this without hurting her feelings? I basically don't want to be an asshole or deceive her, but I would still like to have sex.

 

[tensionisheld]

In, the end, it is your call. If you can establish that you don't want anything serious and still please her all is well. It is all about setting the right frames. Perhaps the way you are interacting with her borderlines more provider than lover? Watch what you say to her, do a bit of reviewing. She may say she doesn't sleep around, but society conditioned her to say that. Read some articles on the main site about providers and how to avoid setting yourself up to be a boyfriend for more information, but it may already be too late.

 

[Light]

There are two reasons for a girl not wanting to sleep with you:

1) You haven't got to know her well or deep enough yet, you need to do more deep diving. Make her feel connected with you. Allow the Chemistry to happen.

2) If she does like you, she already sees you as a potential boyfriend / provider material, in which case, she doesn't want to screw up by giving you the idea that she is easy etc. If this is the case, you know to avoid, since you already know what you want. Sleeping with her will hurt her if she wants a relationship.

 

[jonnywishbone]

My suspicion is that she just doesn't want to be seen as 'easy' or 'slutty', and is dating me primarily because it might lead to something more serious. I think there was enough attraction for it to lead to the bedroom on that night based on how things escalated towards the end.

I totally respect her position on that, but I also don't want to just bail out without finding out - from what I've read on the blog, a women will often say one thing (like 'I don't sleep around'), but given the right circumstances might well change her mind. In terms of how to set the right frame, would something along the lines of...

"I should tell you that I'm not looking for anything serious"
"I should tell you that I'm dating other people" (which I'm not as it stands, but would that set the right frame?)

... be a good way to play it? I suppose I just want to be clear enough for her to make her own decision

 

[Light]

The best approach is just get physical with her. Escalate her, and do sexual stuff with her.
If she really resist, just say:
"Hey, I respect you and your decisions, and I just want to let you know that I think you're a very cool person, and I like you. But if you don't want to move things forward with me, then I don't want to be wasting my time."

Give it to her straight. You will find out whether she really wants to get it on with you or just another time waster.

 

[jonnywishbone]

Hey Light, I think you are absolutely right, but I think I worded my post badly. The situation is I'm fairly certain I could escalate to sex in the near future, but my issue is that I don't want to hurt her by being misleading. So I'd like to make my position clear to her but in a way that doesn't blow me out of the water completely (if that's possible!). If she isn't cool with proceeding after that, then I would be happy to walk away...

I suppose it's kind of a moral problem for me - is it wrong to date and sleep with women who you are not totally into?

 

[Light]

Aha... I see where you are coming from.
There is no right or wrong answer here, and there isn't really a right way to say it to her.
In your case I would just be honest with her, tell her how much you really like her and even be honest with how much you think about sleeping with her.
But just let her know that "you're too busy for a relationship, and it wouldn't be fair on her".

This will tell her a few things:
1) She respects you for being honest with her, and knows that you want her in such a way
2) You are telling her that you care about her feelings too
2) She is given a choice, so if she chooses to move forward, she has no one else to blame but herself.

That will leave the ball at her court. Whether she decides to give you what you want, or walk away.

 

[jonnywishbone]

Yeah, I think you are dead on there. I've just got to be totally honest with her. And to be fair I wouldn't feel right about it if I wasn't. Hopefully she just won't be able to resist my charms!

 

[Chase]

Hi Johnny,

Hi, I'm pretty new to this and I don't have a lot of experience. I met a girl recently in a bar, we had some good banter, and I kissed her (she was quite keen), then I had to leave. I took her number and asked her out a week later. We went out for drinks and food and it went quite well, but I knew when I met her for the date I just wasn't that into her. She was nice, but I just knew I wouldn't want a relationship.

All that said I pushed things and tried to get her back to mine. She said she "doesn't sleep around" and "she'd only just met me" etc. I persisted anyway to see if she would change her mind. Eventually she seemed to be wavering, but her social conditioning won over and she went home on her own.

A girl who'll kiss you in a bar and who's on the fence about coming home with you and talking about sex like she knows what she's talking about isn't usually going to be super conservative or shy.

Girls who don't sleep around don't say, "I don't sleep around;" rather, they don't mention sex AT ALL. If a girl's telling you she doesn't sleep around, she's comfortable enough with sex to bring it up and talk about it and be thinking about having it with you, but she'd really rather you committed to her as a boyfriend first.

The problem with kissing a girl prior to getting her in the seduction location is that kissing is really a first step to sex, and it signals your intentions. If you kiss her at a party, for instance, you want to drag her off to a bathroom or private room ASAP to complete the escalation. Otherwise, the mystery's gone (she knows she has you), your potential as a lover is gone (lovers don't kiss girls they could be sleeping with instead), and all that's left is for her to convert you into a friend or boyfriend if possible.

Next time, save the kissing for when you've got a girl alone with you.

When you feel like you could kiss a girl in a bar or a nightclub, do this instead of kissing her: get her out of there and take her home and take her as your lover.

Once you've slept with her, you can kiss her as much as you like.

Chase

 

[jonnywishbone]

Chase, that's a really interesting take on it. I've spent most of my years (I'm early 30's now) in long term relationships of one sort or another with only a few years off being single. So I think I just fall straight into the "boyfriend" mentality too easily. In fact taking a girl for sex *before* i've even kissed her seems v difficult to get my head round. But I can see that changing my ways in that direction as much as I can is definitely where I need to be going, at least at this point in my life. Thanks for the info, and all others who posted.