Long-Term How to not (too) be reactive in an LTR?

[topcat]

It's terrifying and it makes people worry the hell about you

lol nah bruv, she was worried about herself

Besides that glad you learnt from the experience. Let's hope she starts to behave herself going forward..

 

[POB]

We met up. She didn't mind I removed my attention.

Oh yeah, she clearly did lol

She's holding herself responsible. She just wants a warning shot another time, which I said I will do to the best of my abilities.

If she misbehaves again, just say:
"So sad you are behaving like this again. We already discussed it. I'm leaving now."
No need to explain it further.
The less you explain (and the fewer actions you take before doing it) the more powerful the soft next becomes.

She still needs some time to fully restore her trust for me, which I accept. The vibe is okay for now.

Wrong mindset IMO.
It's not a matter of trust.
She just has to behave, that's it.

Problem is you've let the leash of the relationship too loose for too long.
Now, when you try to reel it back, it's kind of strange for her, like the other guys said.
But it must be done if you want to have peace of mind while enjoying her company.

I'm usually a very empathetic guy. And lots of her confusion seem to come from not giving a warning shot. I see the incongruity.

Yeah, see above.
But now she knows, so no more excuses from her part.

It also explains why my ex (back then of one year) showed up at my door back then when I attempted a soft next. It's terrifying and it makes people worry the hell about you.

If they get worried, just say: "Sorry, I didn't want to worry you. I was just busy with my stuff."

The next is powerful whether we do it right or wrong.

Indeed.

 

[OldGuy]

@Lover,

Look into ADD/ADHD meltdowns. Sounds like it might match your girl:

How to Deal with ADHD Meltdowns in Adults | HealthyPlace

ADHD meltdowns in adults are frightening. Discover why they happen, plus how to manage and prevent adult ADHD meltdowns on HealthyPlace.

www.healthyplace.com

Basically what happens is people with ADD get overwhelmed and snap, and the emotions come pouring out. Then they feel bad about it later.

Best thing you can do is tell her to go take a walk and calm down or go sit in a room by herself and collect her thoughts. ADD folks don't calm down by talking things out. They calm down by going to a quiet place or doing something physical (walk, exercise, etc.) to de-stress.

If it's happening more she's probably feeling more overwhelmed in general for whatever reason. When she's calm, ask her what the main things that are making her feel the most overwhelmed right now are, and troubleshoot some ways with her she can use to reduce her overwhelm. Maybe she needs to cut some things out of her schedule, snip off a friend or a preoccupation that's putting a lot of pressure on her, have less contact with a family member who's pressuring her, etc.

You can't respond to tantrums rationally. Just imagine her like a really big toddler throwing a fit. People aren't saying rational things when they're tantrumming. They just rant and rave and try to push the buttons of whoever they're tantrumming at and act out. It's totally useless trying to solve problems with someone who is tantrumming, because you will go through this whole thing of trying to nail down what the problem is, and figure out some big solution, then when she finally calms down she will tell you, "Actually it wasn't really about that at all, lol, it was about XYZ other minor thing that was just bugging me too much. Hehe." Then you will just be like "WTF did I just expend all that mental energy for then, woman, Goddamnit!"

So really the only thing to do is when she's doing it, just mentally be like, "She's tantrumming again, don't listen to anything she says, tell her to go to another room or take a walk and calm herself down."

If you want to defuse it faster, take the psychologist approach and just have her explain the problem. "Okay, tell me exactly what it is. What triggered this. What is frustrating you. What caused that. Yes that does sound frustrating. Okay." Don't try to solve it, because trying to give her solutions just gives her more stuff to think about and adds to the overwhelm. Don't accept her hot-tempered solutions either because they're tantrum solutions which usually are not thought out. Just tell her "We can talk about solutions when you've calmed down. We're not going to talk about that now."

But again, best way is for her to just go get some space, ideally with something a bit physical, and let the overwhelm pass off her.

There are a lot of benefits to ADD:

What Are Benefits of Having ADHD?

Living with ADHD doesn’t have to be a setback. At work or in relationships, extra creativity and energy are assets. Read about ADHD strengths.

www.verywellhealth.com

It's more of a personality type than a disorder, really.

But the meltdowns and tantrums are aggravating. It's not something they can ever stop doing, unless you could somehow confine them to some kind of peaceful utopian mountain monastery where they never get overwhelmed ever. Even then they would probably find something to get stressed out about anyway and yell at the monks, lol.

The frequency tells you how much pressure she's under though. If it's happening a lot, she's under too much pressure and needs to lighten her load one way or another. You can help her figure that out when she's calm.

(if it turns out she is undiagnosed ADD, don't have her take the medication. All it does is depress symptoms temporarily, until the brain adapts, and then she ends up dependent on the medication to maintain the same level as the old normal her was at, and going off it leads to worsened behavior / withdrawal. There are several studies on this that take all the research on ADD medicine to task... the studies all look at preteens and teens and don't control for the normal improvement in ADD symptoms preteens and teens normally have as they age, so end up concluding the medicine is responsible for what is actually normal developmental improvement they end up having with or without medication)

Chase

When my daughter was young and she threw a tantrum I wound up like I was going to throw a pitch and told her I was throwing the tantrum back at her. This led to a giggle fit and ended the tantrum.

 

[Lover]

Latest news... apologies for wall of text in advance. I hope this post will be useful.

Since my last post, my girl has been diagnosed with Asperger - high-functioning autism. A lot of things was falling apart for her when she went to see the psychologist, I won't get into details... our issues were just a tiny part of everything else that happened in her life..

If I have to be honest, on paper, a girl with Asperger may sound like the dream girl to many men. You get a girl that needs direct verbal communication and doesn't play around because, mostly, she doesn't get your intentions otherwise. She's capable of being exceptionally sweet and loving and do an exceptionel effort to make you happy. And she may have some nerdy interests in games, movies etc.

However, there are trade-offs that makes typical man-woman dynamics difficult...

She has a hard time of letting things go after disagreements and obsesses over them. She needs to hear the same point multiple times and keeps going around in loops. She is combative and not cooperative. More specifically, she may claim to be empathetic and get how I think and feel about certain things, but still circle back to how she feels about things and not being able to change that. And because she has difficulty to read people's intentions and tends to think in black and white, she usually makes wrong assumptions about me and others.

Today was a good example of that... we circled back to something we discussed several months ago - travelling solo while in a relationship. And once I shared something vulnerable about my reasoning, she kept saying repeatedly how she understands me and where I come from... aaaand had the guts to tell me how she felt restrained and how she felt that I didn't trust her specifically and had to change my boundaries. Seeing how I was unbendable in this particular case, she eventually got frustrated to the point that she behaved so childish that it was an instant next in my book.

However... I don't think the next is going to change anything in the long run if she is anything like a regular person with autism. Most people with autism need structure and predictability and certainty. And if someone, intentionally or unintentionally, takes those things away from them, they may become anxoius or get panic attacks.

Sorry for the wall of text and going somewhat off-road... I'm going out of my way to describe this because I haven't seen anyone talking about relationships with girls that have Asperger before, and I hope other people will share their experiences...

And I also share because I tend to attract girls that has some mental conditions or cheating on their boyfriends/husbands... and this post is a reminder that I'm still not at a place where I want to be, and I have to rethink how I can up my game...

 

[Skills]

Latest news... apologies for wall of text in advance. I hope this post will be useful.

Since my last post, my girl has been diagnosed with Asperger - high-functioning autism. A lot of things was falling apart for her when she went to see the psychologist, I won't get into details... our issues were just a tiny part of everything else that happened in her life..

If I have to be honest, on paper, a girl with Asperger may sound like the dream girl to many men. You get a girl that needs direct verbal communication and doesn't play around because, mostly, she doesn't get your intentions otherwise. She's capable of being exceptionally sweet and loving and do an exceptionel effort to make you happy. And she may have some nerdy interests in games, movies etc.

However, there are trade-offs that makes typical man-woman dynamics difficult...

She has a hard time of letting things go after disagreements and obsesses over them. She needs to hear the same point multiple times and keeps going around in loops. She is combative and not cooperative. More specifically, she may claim to be empathetic and get how I think and feel about certain things, but still circle back to how she feels about things and not being able to change that. And because she has difficulty to read people's intentions and tends to think in black and white, she usually makes wrong assumptions about me and others.

Today was a good example of that... we circled back to something we discussed several months ago - travelling solo while in a relationship. And once I shared something vulnerable about my reasoning, she kept saying repeatedly how she understands me and where I come from... aaaand had the guts to tell me how she felt restrained and how she felt that I didn't trust her specifically and had to change my boundaries. Seeing how I was unbendable in this particular case, she eventually got frustrated to the point that she behaved so childish that it was an instant next in my book.

However... I don't think the next is going to change anything in the long run if she is anything like a regular person with autism. Most people with autism need structure and predictability and certainty. And if someone, intentionally or unintentionally, takes those things away from them, they may become anxoius or get panic attacks.

Sorry for the wall of text and going somewhat off-road... I'm going out of my way to describe this because I haven't seen anyone talking about relationships with girls that have Asperger before, and I hope other people will share their experiences...

And I also share because I tend to attract girls that has some mental conditions or cheating on their boyfriends/husbands... and this post is a reminder that I'm still not at a place where I want to be, and I have to rethink how I can up my game...

yea i would be cautious i never dated a girl with autisim, even though i dealt since joining the seduction community with autists, i feel you, must be difficult.... Again, i would then keep away from the typical seduction advice.... Cause i doubt the dudes in the forum have dated that type of women, therefore the advice will be kj, including mine.... This is beyond the forum scope tbh...

 

[Lover]

yea i would be cautious i never dated a girl with autisim, even though i dealt since joining the seduction community with autists, i feel you, must be difficult.... Again, i would then keep away from the typical seduction advice.... Cause i doubt the dudes in the forum have dated that type of women, therefore the advice will be kj, including mine.... This is beyond the forum scope tbh...

I had a hunch this is a rare case for your average seducer. Girls with autism are rare, and most even go under the radar because they resemble their female peers without autism in many ways

It's somewhat difficult yeah. I will trust my gut feeling for now but I sense a breakup is inevitable if this keeps up...

 

[POB]

I agree with @Skills
This is a special case beyond the scope of this forum's advice.
If you do break-up, be sure to take a bigger chunk of the blame to lift the load from her.
Try to frame it like:
"I know it's not working, and I know there's a lot I could do better....I'm really trying, but I'm not that man yet...just need more time alone to evolve and grow".

 

[Conquistador]

Latest news... apologies for wall of text in advance. I hope this post will be useful.

Since my last post, my girl has been diagnosed with Asperger - high-functioning autism. A lot of things was falling apart for her when she went to see the psychologist, I won't get into details... our issues were just a tiny part of everything else that happened in her life..

If I have to be honest, on paper, a girl with Asperger may sound like the dream girl to many men. You get a girl that needs direct verbal communication and doesn't play around because, mostly, she doesn't get your intentions otherwise. She's capable of being exceptionally sweet and loving and do an exceptionel effort to make you happy. And she may have some nerdy interests in games, movies etc.

However, there are trade-offs that makes typical man-woman dynamics difficult...

She has a hard time of letting things go after disagreements and obsesses over them. She needs to hear the same point multiple times and keeps going around in loops. She is combative and not cooperative. More specifically, she may claim to be empathetic and get how I think and feel about certain things, but still circle back to how she feels about things and not being able to change that. And because she has difficulty to read people's intentions and tends to think in black and white, she usually makes wrong assumptions about me and others.

Today was a good example of that... we circled back to something we discussed several months ago - travelling solo while in a relationship. And once I shared something vulnerable about my reasoning, she kept saying repeatedly how she understands me and where I come from... aaaand had the guts to tell me how she felt restrained and how she felt that I didn't trust her specifically and had to change my boundaries. Seeing how I was unbendable in this particular case, she eventually got frustrated to the point that she behaved so childish that it was an instant next in my book.

However... I don't think the next is going to change anything in the long run if she is anything like a regular person with autism. Most people with autism need structure and predictability and certainty. And if someone, intentionally or unintentionally, takes those things away from them, they may become anxoius or get panic attacks.

Sorry for the wall of text and going somewhat off-road... I'm going out of my way to describe this because I haven't seen anyone talking about relationships with girls that have Asperger before, and I hope other people will share their experiences...

And I also share because I tend to attract girls that has some mental conditions or cheating on their boyfriends/husbands... and this post is a reminder that I'm still not at a place where I want to be, and I have to rethink how I can up my game...

I’ve known at least a few girls like this (related to one, recently stopped being friends with another).

IME a lot depends on her past history. Healthy stable background is really different than anything else. Also, girls often aren’t diagnosed until very late if ever, so they are often not well adapted to things a Musk or a Messi knows how to deal with. Being overwhelmed is often itself overwhelming.

Another thing is that girls are conformists and unless you’re clinically trained the mask will fool you for a long time. Often it looks like cluster B but there are ofc differences.

Also, if anyone besides OP is curious about dating one, game is designed for “normie” girls and their frequent BS. Certain things can still be helpful but JBY is usually the best starting point. The average autistic person is pretty good at detecting incongruency of any kind.
Here’s the thing. Combine that with a lot of hormones and the propensity to be (doubly) overwhelmed, and the results are…unpredictable. Normal girls can’t always correctly interpret what they sniff…Aspie girls can have much more difficulty processing, let alone responding.

Which brings us to OP’s issue.

Most likely your girl has never learned at all to work through her symptoms because, as you say, she just got diagnosed. She’s simply been bottling up and/or melting down.

I have a family member who was diagnosed less than a year ago, already in her teens. Never understanding can be really traumatic over time, and frankly in adults trauma levels usually matter more than how normal you are. Having to keep up the mask is also really stressful.
In her case, she’s become much easier to be around since she started being herself. Maybe your girl will be the same.

If you’re committed to this girl, you can probably save the relationship if you’re both patient.

Otherwise, I would try to drift apart as amicably as possible. The last thing you want is to give her baggage that will affect her future relationships with men (possibly including platonic ones…I speak from experience).

 

[Lover]

So, I just ended it and broke up with her. We had a discussion few days ago about something we couldn't agree on. And being overwhelmed from other things earlier that day, this resulted in her having a panic attack of another planet.

I would have to make her my mission to have energy and time to deal with it every time. But she's not, and my tolerance became non-existent.

The breakup went fine. She knew she couldn't convince me to stay but I let her speak her mind. She's convinced she won't meet someone like me. I think we left on as good terms as possible

 

[Skills]

So, I just ended it and broke up with her. We had a discussion few days ago about something we couldn't agree on. And being overwhelmed from other things earlier that day, this resulted in her having a panic attack of another planet.

I would have to make her my mission to have energy and time to deal with it every time. But she's not, and my tolerance became non-existent.

The breakup went fine. She knew she couldn't convince me to stay but I let her speak her mind. She's convinced she won't meet someone like me. I think we left on as good terms as possible

Cut all contact and don't get back