How to safely figure out a girl's dating history (on a first date) without getting dragged into "relationship" talk?

[Atlas IV]

If there's a GC article on this, please point me to it.

So I've come to realize I may have been shooting myself in the foot by deliberately bringing up the topic of dating history on a date, thereby killing the seduction.

I usually breach the topic with "so how long have you been single?" My purpose it is to find out about her current headspace - has she recently exited a LTR, had she been single for a long time, etc.

She will respond, then usually ask me the same question. Sometimes that will be the end of the thread. But it's not uncommon for girls to probe further - "how long were you together for?", "why did you break up?" and now I've put myself in a bind. I often will explain a little of the Three Keys as a way to explain why we broke up (had sexual chemistry but lacked connection on a social/intellectual level).

Now that I reflect on it, I think this a seriously bad approach.

- First, I am talking about relationships to a girl I'm on a first date with, who I am trying to seduce into bed.
- Second, I'm making her think about her own relationships and potentially compare me to her own ex.
- Third, I'm willingly putting myself in a spot where I have to justify/explain why my ex and I broke up. Just seems like a dumb chess move.

There has to be a more optimal way to 1. handle/avoid the topic of relationships altogether while 2. figuring out her headspace and/or dating history, and to do so without boxing myself in a corner like I have been with this approach.

Thoughts, gents? Is there a safe, easy way to handle the topic of past relationships AND figure out her dating history without getting bogged down in this anti-seductive topic?

 

[StrayDog]

If there's a GC article on this, please point me to it.

So I've come to realize I may have been shooting myself in the foot by deliberately bringing up the topic of dating history on a date, thereby killing the seduction.

I usually breach the topic with "so how long have you been single?" My purpose it is to find out about her current headspace - has she recently exited a LTR, had she been single for a long time, etc.

She will respond, then usually ask me the same question. Sometimes that will be the end of the thread. But it's not uncommon for girls to probe further - "how long were you together for?", "why did you break up?" and now I've put myself in a bind. I often will explain a little of the Three Keys as a way to explain why we broke up (had sexual chemistry but lacked connection on a social/intellectual level).

Now that I reflect on it, I think this a seriously bad approach.

- First, I am talking about relationships to a girl I'm on a first date with, who I am trying to seduce into bed.
- Second, I'm making her think about her own relationships and potentially compare me to her own ex.
- Third, I'm willingly putting myself in a spot where I have to justify/explain why my ex and I broke up. Just seems like a dumb chess move.

There has to be a more optimal way to 1. handle/avoid the topic of relationships altogether while 2. figuring out her headspace and/or dating history, and to do so without boxing myself in a corner like I have been with this approach.

Thoughts, gents? Is there a safe, easy way to handle the topic of past relationships AND figure out her dating history without getting bogged down in this anti-seductive topic?

Hmmm, I'm curious where exactly you think you're getting bogged down?

For me personally I love to talk about her past relationships and experiences with men. She basically tells you how to seduce her

 

[StrayDog]

Third, I'm willingly putting myself in a spot where I have to justify/explain why my ex and I broke up. Just seems like a dumb chess move.

you don't have to justify anything, just give short sincere answers that frame it as a reasonable move. Then move on to something else. Just be real, no one is asking you to justify your self. Just avoid painting yourself as too unattainable, or some simpy dude. You met a girl had a thing, wasn't a fit, y'all moved on. Nothing too dramatic. Grateful for your time together.

- Second, I'm making her think about her own relationships and potentially compare me to her own ex.

Depends how you run the convo. If it is a recent break up, diving in and letting her reveal herself to you about the whole thing allows her to get some weight off her chest. Builds trust and attraction. She can open up to you

if She has already moved on from the relationship and it's been a moment, just touch on it briefly. Figure out the basic gist of it. Don't dwell too long.

Focus more on what her dating experience has been of late. start to sus out her experiences and attitudes towards sex and intimacy.

seems like you are doing all this though so I am not sure what your concern is?


did you have all this go south on you during a date? or this is more just a general concern?

 

[StrayDog]

without getting bogged down in this anti-seductive topic?

IMO not anti seductive at all, it's just about how you run the convo. Actually is very beneficial to seduction.

For one, most guys don't really go there. They definitely don't go there in a way that compels her to really reveal her self.

For two that is precisely what you two are there for. You don't go to a job interview and talk about relationships. Why go to a date and talk about work (I mean obviously to a degree, but you get my drift).

They key is to not dwell and make it too heavy.

Make it feel casual and safe. No big deal. Fun even

Really listen and reflect back to her what she is throwing down.

All great for seduction. Leads naturally to sex talk

 

[topcat]

“when you think back on your past relationships with men, be they long or short, your most fond memories - what made them so special? what from those experiences would you hope to see more of in your future relationships?”

 

[StrayDog]

“when you think back on your past relationships with men, be they long or short, your most fond memories - what made them so special? what from those experiences would you hope to see more of in your future relationships?”

exactly, focus on the positives. highlight the joy of connecting with your lovers

 

[OldGuy]

Why so worried about her past relationships?

 

[Chad Tyrone]

If there's a GC article on this, please point me to it.

So I've come to realize I may have been shooting myself in the foot by deliberately bringing up the topic of dating history on a date, thereby killing the seduction.

I usually breach the topic with "so how long have you been single?" My purpose it is to find out about her current headspace - has she recently exited a LTR, had she been single for a long time, etc.

She will respond, then usually ask me the same question. Sometimes that will be the end of the thread. But it's not uncommon for girls to probe further - "how long were you together for?", "why did you break up?" and now I've put myself in a bind. I often will explain a little of the Three Keys as a way to explain why we broke up (had sexual chemistry but lacked connection on a social/intellectual level).

Now that I reflect on it, I think this a seriously bad approach.

- First, I am talking about relationships to a girl I'm on a first date with, who I am trying to seduce into bed.
- Second, I'm making her think about her own relationships and potentially compare me to her own ex.
- Third, I'm willingly putting myself in a spot where I have to justify/explain why my ex and I broke up. Just seems like a dumb chess move.

There has to be a more optimal way to 1. handle/avoid the topic of relationships altogether while 2. figuring out her headspace and/or dating history, and to do so without boxing myself in a corner like I have been with this approach.

Thoughts, gents? Is there a safe, easy way to handle the topic of past relationships AND figure out her dating history without getting bogged down in this anti-seductive topic?

Past Relationships: Where to Go (and Where Not to) on a Date

Once upon a time, there was one subject that absolutely terrified me when women brought it up in conversation: their past relationships. I mean, if anything felt like a death sentence for forward progress with a woman, it was her digging up her troubled past and spilling it all over my lap. Time...

www.girlschase.com

 

[Atlas IV]

They key is to not dwell and make it too heavy.

Make it feel casual and safe. No big deal. Fun even

Really listen and reflect back to her what she is throwing down.

All great for seduction. Leads naturally to sex talk

I think you're right, might be making a bigger deal of it than it actually is.

I do think relationships can be a good topic to take things to a deeper level, especially because most guys avoid the topic altogether.

I guess I've just noticed a pattern that invariably happens when I go into it:
1. I ask how long has she been single
2. she responds and asks me in kind
3. I respond
4. she asks about my past relationship and why we broke up

So I went from assessing her current headspace into talking about my last breakup, which I'm not really sure how best to handle.

The truth of why it ended is that I was feeling bored, frustrated, and wanted to go back to PUA. Obviously I cannot say it exactly like that, so I usually say something about how people connect on different levels but that feelings change over time unless you find ways to keep it fresh, etc.

Which I guess isn't such a bad way to handle it, but sometimes girls will keep asking more and more. I do not want to go into the details of my last relationship though, so I answer somewhat ambiguously before eventually fractionating into something else. So it feels like I'm walking myself into a tricky topic that I then have to escape from.

Do you get girls asking about your last breakup? How do you respond?

“when you think back on your past relationships with men, be they long or short, your most fond memories - what made them so special? what from those experiences would you hope to see more of in your future relationships?”

Great line, I'm going to shamelessly steal it. Thanks Topcat.

@Chad Tyrone
Props again to our resident GC Librarian

One great bit from that article:

Finish with a view on relationships. This is something I like saying to women now, because it's both inspirational, and it helps set the tone for the two of us just doing whatever we want and not caring so much about whether we're in a relationship or not. It changes a bit every time I say it, but it amounts to:

"Hey, you know what, everyone makes such a big deal about relationships, but what's it really all about? [you may give her a chance to share her views before you continue] I'll tell you what it's really all about. It's really all about two people who like each other, getting together, and having a lot of hot sex. Right? I mean, maybe they share some good times together, but ultimately it's about males and females mating, because that's what we're designed to do as a species. No mating, no babies, and then we all disappear. We can try to dress it up in romance and all that, but really... all the fighting, all the emotions tied up in it, it's all silliness -- it's really simple stuff, and people just make it so complicated. I guess that's what society does -- it complicates simple biological functions and dresses them up as fancy cultural things. You know?"

This gets near total agreement. Key is, you've got to say it in one block; don't give her time to object before you're finished. When you're finished, she'll agree.

I remember reading the article a long time ago but forgot this line. Very clever way to round out the "relationship" subject by tying it into sex.

 

[StrayDog]

I think you're right, might be making a bigger deal of it than it actually is.

I do think relationships can be a good topic to take things to a deeper level, especially because most guys avoid the topic altogether.

I guess I've just noticed a pattern that invariably happens when I go into it:
1. I ask how long has she been single
2. she responds and asks me in kind
3. I respond
4. she asks about my past relationship and why we broke up

So I went from assessing her current headspace into talking about my last breakup, which I'm not really sure how best to handle.

The truth of why it ended is that I was feeling bored, frustrated, and wanted to go back to PUA. Obviously I cannot say it exactly like that, so I usually say something about how people connect on different levels but that feelings change over time unless you find ways to keep it fresh, etc.

Which I guess isn't such a bad way to handle it, but sometimes girls will keep asking more and more. I do not want to go into the details of my last relationship though, so I answer somewhat ambiguously before eventually fractionating into something else. So it feels like I'm walking myself into a tricky topic that I then have to escape from.

Do you get girls asking about your last breakup? How do you respond?

Hmmm, yeah I've never really had a woman grill me on all of the details of my breakup. But I have had women be curious about some details to a degree.

If she is prying for personal detail I would just frame things in a broader context. So if she is like "was there something that really annoyed you?" I might be like "well, I suppose tiny things here and there, but really that's just two people coming to gether in the spirit of getting to know each other. Of course there's gonna be a little friction. But like, friction is also part of what makes getting to know someone exciting. So really it's just part of the whole experience"

How could she find fault in that? Plus its enough to get a sense of how you relate to your past relationships. Which is what she is really trying to find out anyway. Unless she has some morbid curiosity, I suppose.


In general I just frame the relationship in that kind of light. Frame things as "differences" instead of "issues." Or valuable challenges. And speak of even the challenging things like a fond memory that has long since past.

Everyone has moved on from it, but you're grateful for it in the end.

Basically you don't want to appear flippant about it like your ex was just some meaningless thing. But also don't want to seem like you are still dwelling on the hardships. Or hung up on the good times

It was it was fun, beautiful in its own way, an adventure, it had it's challenges, you learned from it, It had its moment, and now you're here with her (the date you're on), and that's what's really important in that moment anyway.

Also you can frame things in the broader context of your life. For example, the last relationship I was in was for 2 years during covid. So "why we broke up" (as far as a women might be concerned) was the changing of tides in life. We came to together during this unique chapter in life. But it didn't quite make sense once the tides had turned.

This kind of thing should be very understandable and relatable to any decently cool person.

she will rarely ask much more about it.

Basically, you are not dodging the question. But you are also not dredging up the past.

Honestly, a little goes a long way with this and I have found that once you get women opening up they are kind of more interested in talking about their relationships any way. And you can kind of frame yourself as this saavy guy who "get's it." You are only really using your past relationships to support/facilitate this frame. Women will natural feel compelled talk aboutmore nuances of their relationships, because it is a relief to meet a guy who "gets it"

I will often have women asking me "are you sure you want to talk about all of this" (in regards to their past relationships) and I am like "yes definitely, I think it's cool you feel safe to open up like this"

 

[Atlas IV]

well, I suppose tiny things here and there, but really that's just two people coming to gether in the spirit of getting to know each other. Of course there's gonna be a little friction. But like, friction is also part of what makes getting to know someone exciting. So really it's just part of the whole experience"

It was it was fun, beautiful in its own way, an adventure, it had it's challenges, you learned from it, It had its moment, and now you're here with her (the date you're on), and that's what's really important in that moment anyway.

Great way to frame it - as something beautiful that had its moments, it's ups and downs, but like many beautiful things it had its challenges, and it came to an end, and now we are here.

I like this more than explaining it through my version of the "three keys" (social, emotional and sexual connection), which I think perhaps comes off a little too deep for the stage in the date when this topic unusually comes up.

Also lets me save that material for more opportune moments for sexual framing later on.

Combining your approach with Chase's mini gambit about "relationships being ultimately about sex" from the article, I think that's the perfect way to round out this subject.

Thanks for your thoughts!