I'm not sure what to make of this.

[ramirezs316]

Let me start of by saying that only until recently, I had been unemployed for the better part of two years, so going out and feeling confident about meeting people was incredibly difficult. Luckily, I got a job in May and in September, my brother and I went out to a bar at the start of the college football season. Toward the end of the night, I spotted a gorgeous girl and her friend whom we had seen the week before but weren't able to talk to. So I introduced myself to the girl and she led with a line (she thought I looked French). So we talked and found out we had a lot in common (she even said that), and she let slip that I'm her type. When it was time to get her number, she grabbed my phone from me, put in her full name and digits, and said "you're not gonna text me." We gave each other a big, intimate hug and I promised her I would contact her.

The next day, we became facebook friends and I texted her back "Hey, it's the French guy from last night." She texted me back the next day and I asked her what her schedule looked like that weekend, but she was busy with family stuff. The next week, she wanted to do a group thing at a bar, but when Saturday came, her friends couldn't come out with her, so she decided to let me and my friends have a guys' night. So I kept the ball in the air by texting and flirting a little, and she then asked if my brother and I wanted to join her and her friend at Octoberfest the following weekend, which would've been great, but the event was three hours away and we couldn't give up that much time on our Saturday. She said that was fine, we'll do something else. A couple days later, she texts "Are you really interested in me or do you normally text strangers?" I was puzzled by how to handle this, but I got back to her late that day, "Of course I'm interested haha. We should do something together so we're not strangers anymore." She said "I agree" the next day and we continued trying to make plans.

Finally, six weeks after I had gotten her number, we matched up schedules and I suggested we do the group thing again because it seemed like that’s what she would be most comfortable with. She agreed and told me she was excited. My brother and I met up with her and her friends that Friday night and we all talked as a group. She and I eventually picked up talking where we left off, totally interested in each other. After an hour, she went to check on her friends in the bathroom and then came back out, annoyed that one of her friends thought it was just going to be a girls' night. I said that it’s okay and after she asked when we could meet again, we set up a coffee date for the next day. We then embraced twice (long hugs, lots of back rubbing) and I gave her a long kiss on the cheek.

The next day, she texted me that she wasn't feeling well from the night before and needed to stay in. I said fine and asked her if she had time the next day. I didn't hear back from her until Monday when she sent me a Happy Birthday text. That Tuesday, I texted her that I was free the next night and we should go for coffee again. Nothing. The weekend went by, and I tried calling her after her class. Nothing. So later that night, while I was sick with a 102 degree fever and not in the best frame of mind, I texted her foolishly, "So...are you not talking to me anymore. I really like you and I want to get to know you better. Call me so we can talk. " Yeah, I know, so whiny and needy. I heard back from her minutes later: "Sorry, I've been busy studying. But I'm actually back together with my ex boyfriend. I'm sorry. :/"

Shocked, I texted her back, paraphrasing: "That really hurts. I thought there was a lot of potential there to start something. I think you're making a mistake. I hope there is still a chance for us sometime in the future. Please don't be a stranger and message me anytime. Take care." Again, not as cool a response as I should have given, but she had been doubtful before and I wanted her to be clear on what my intentions had been. So that weekend, out with my brother, there she was with her boyfriend. We saw each other, smiled and waved like everything was good.

Here's where it gets tricky. A few days later, she deletes a facebook birthday post for her boyfriend and the next day, when at her girlfriends, she posts essentially that boyfriends are no good. I let a couple weeks pass, then the Friday after Thanksgiving, I texted her a Happy Birthday message and she responded back "Thank you!!!" So, the next Wednesday, after I got some advice from my sister and female friends, I decided to leave her a voice message asking her if I could buy her a late birthday drink. I waited about five days and didn’t hear back. With some more advice from them, I texted her a simple (and lame), "How have you been?"

Granted, that was right when finals were starting and probably not the best time to try to do something, but then I wanted to strike while her birthday was still kind of relevant. I didn’t hear back. It’s been a month since then and I’ve been trying to meet other girls who interest me romantically or sexually. It’s been pretty hard, considering that I like a higher quality type of girl and am more of a quality over quantity guy. I’m trying to learn from the experience (Chase’s blog has been helping) and it seems like I did a lot right initially. But I’m not sure if my handling of it since then hurt my chances for the future or if there is a future in a situation like this. If a girl really likes a guy but feels compelled to go back to her ex, when she’s done with the ex, is it still possible that she’ll see the guy she liked in between as an option for her? This is my first time on the board, so any advice and critique on this is welcome. I’m always willing to learn. Thanks.

 

[Light]

Hi Ramirez,

I'm going to cut the long story short and give you a few hints on where you potentially went wrong, and I will find you links to Chase's blogs to read up on too.

1) What hurt you the most was that you did not move fast enough. You left it too long for the girl, and her attraction for you was already dying...
You must move FAST!

https://www.girlschase.com/content/secrets-getting-girls-move-faster
https://www.girlschase.com/content/attra ... ation-date

2) You should avoid group activities, and get her alone with you. That is what she really wants. Group activities can get very complex. Keep it Simple.

3) When you finally met up alone, you should have taken her to bed there and then. Not just a long kiss on the cheek. I believe that is what killed your chance. Clearly she still had feelings for her boyfriend, and you wasn't in her boyfriend list.. you was in her LOVER list. She wanted you to take her.
Read these two blogs for better understanding.

https://www.girlschase.com/content/should-you-pay-date
https://www.girlschase.com/content/secret-lover

4) The moment she said she was back with her ex, you should have just left it. Move on. Don't bother wasting time on her anymore, and let her know that you mean business in a very nice way without any awkwardness... something like:
"Well I enjoyed every moment spent with you.. it was great while it lasted. Take Care."

You only want to leave her with the sweetest memories of you. You do not want to create any bitterness. That way, everytime she thinks of you, she only remembers the good time.

It is pretty much game over now, and I wouldnt' waste anymore time on her.

I hope this helps.

 

[Penguin]

Hey Ramirez,
The story starts off with her chasing you and wondering if you like her (good) but then ends with you chasing her and wondering if she still likes you (bad). You went from hard to get (in her eyes) to too easy. It seems to me that she initially put a lot of pressure on herself to do well with you because she found out you were so well matched. This made her nervous to meet you and fearing rejection.

Light has already given you the most important point- Move faster. She became very concerned that you didn't like her because she thought that if you did, you would have bedded her ages ago.

An effective strategy is to get her to agree to the date in person when you first meet, and then get her phone number to sort out when the date will be. Use texting solely to set up the date, and don't mess around by having conversations via text. This will speed things up and get you two alone fast. By the way, could you not have taken her home from the bar on the first night?

Another thing to work on is being intriguing. I'm guessing you told her everything about yourself at the bar? It's great that you related to her, but Chase recommends that you indirectly display your value by mentioning things in passing to bait her. Also, I recently learnt that adding girls you want on Facebook is a terrible idea- It removes all intrigue e.g. What you like and what you are doing at the moment. It's also hard to make an attractive profile with cool statuses.

You lost a lot of intrigue with texts like "Of course I'm interested". Intriguing responses are ones which deflect or avoid the question. I'm sure you know already that those whiny texts are horrendous . Would you be turned on if a girl texted you that? Promise me you won't send any more of those.

In answer to your question I think it's extremely unlikely that you will regain her attraction. It will help if she sees you with other attractive women and gets jealous. I get the quality over quantity thing, but if you go for quantity to get the practice and experience, then you can get a high quantity of high quality women .

So the key points are:
- Move fast
- Get her alone (by moving her, and by not doing group activity dates)
- Use concise, cool, relaxed, positive texts for setting up dates only
- Make her intrigued so she wonders about you when you're not there
- Go for lots of girls that you consider to be attractive enough to sleep with e.g. 7/10 and higher

One more thing- Don't get dating advice from girls . They don't act the way they say they do e.g. They go for bad boys / jerks over nice guys. Some people say that men think with their genitals but I think that this can apply to women too.

 

[Light]

Yes.. I knew I forgot something very important...

NEVER EVER take dating advise from Girls !!!

Thanks for the reminder Penguin.

 

[aliparpar]

I texted her back, paraphrasing: "That really hurts. I thought there was a lot of potential there to start something. I think you're making a mistake. I hope there is still a chance for us sometime in the future. Please don't be a stranger and message me anytime. Take care." Again, not as cool a response as I should have given, but she had been doubtful before and I wanted her to be clear on what my intentions had been.

Yeah, never send anything like this to anyone you know. Specially girls you like. The best reply was the one in the upper posts.
This text sends a few points to her :

• 
  1- Neediness/Clingy rate 100%
  2- You become bitter pretty fast
  3- I'm open for you anytime you come back. Please come back . Please PLEASE! I'm sad you did that to me but whenever you're finished with banging him come back to set another date. (Also the answer here is not giving an ultimatum. (If you go back with him, I'm going to do this or do that!).

If you send her something along the line that the dates were amazing and wishing her a good life or something this is going to have a better impact on her than any other text as it makes her unsure about her decision and giving you another chance. But, don't get your fingers crossed and know pretty much she's gone. Move on and find a new better girl.

 

[ramirezs316]

Thanks to everyone for the pointers. Since reading up, I pretty much assumed that the text I gave her after she said she went back to her ex was what finally did me in. I wish I had waited until I felt a little better to respond to her, instead of reacting emotionally and foolishly.

That said, I don't think I gave too much away about myself when we first met. I would let her talk, take something she said and relate it back to me, so it seemed like we had stuff in common (which we actually did as it turned out).

I don't think I texted her too much, just enough to ask about her availability. As for moving faster, what do you do when she's constantly busy? She was always working on the weekends when I was free, and on weeknights, I was busy with work and she with studying. How do you keep a girl attracted to you when schedules are impeding progress?

I will say, I was a little cautious with her (probably because I was still trying to get my footing after the long job struggle) and was too eager to agree to a group thing probably because I thought I might have been too nervous just me and her (which seems stupid now, because I wasn't nervous with her at all when we were alone).

Lastly, I was looking at her seriously, so my instinct was to just grab her number (also it was last call and her friends were ready to leave). I'm wondering if I was misinterpreting her signals (long hugs, hoping I was interested, being excited) as wanting a boyfriend. Are the signals the same if she wants you as a lover as if she wants you as a boyfriend?

 

[aliparpar]

As for moving faster, what do you do when she's constantly busy? She was always working on the weekends when I was free, and on weeknights, I was busy with work and she with studying. How do you keep a girl attracted to you when schedules are impeding progress?

I would suggest being a bit more persistence while asking her out . If studying is all she has to do when she's busy, she could probably take some time off to be with you. If she says I'm busy, tell her that it is just going to be a short catch up and won't take too much of her time and if she's not having fun, she can leave.(Of-course if she comes, it's going to be much longer) You could tell her as well that you'd really like to see her in person and ask if she can free up some time for you. She would probably say yes if you persist enough in these kind of situations.

Lastly, I was looking at her seriously, so my instinct was to just grab her number (also it was last call and her friends were ready to leave). I'm wondering if I was misinterpreting her signals (long hugs, hoping I was interested, being excited) as wanting a boyfriend.

Some time ago, I, myself was thinking I should usually hug girls when we are going to say goodbye but now I believe just saying a simple fairwell is much better and intriguing.(Comes off as effortless as well) since hugging is more like a Frindzone-friendly guy material. You will have a chance to hug/kiss her when you manage to do your pull in the right time.
If I understand correct, you hugged her when you wanted to leave not just during a normal conversation.

Are the signals the same if she wants you as a lover as if she wants you as a boyfriend?

Usually, when she wants you as a boyfriend, it's going to be much harder for you to get her and she's going to be much more conservative and will be trying her best to show her best self to you. She will slow things down just in case getting intimidate sooner don't make her lose you.
However, in your case, you were more like a Lover to her than a boyfriend. She was giving you signs that she wanted you to progress the seduction but when she didn't see it happen she went cold and disappointed.

Try to read more on how to recognise these signs on the blog :

How to see these signs :
How Girls Show Interest : https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-g ... w-interest
How to Tell if a Girl is Horny Without Her Having to Tell You : https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-t ... z2GtFxIYSr
Angry Girls: How to Deal With Angry Women and Why Women Get Mad : https://www.girlschase.com/content/angry ... en-get-mad
Attraction Has an Expiration Date : https://www.girlschase.com/content/attra ... ation-date

And some more articles that can be helpful in these kind of situations :

Take Women to Bed: Successful Physical Escalation : https://www.girlschase.com/content/take- ... escalation
The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back : https://www.girlschase.com/content/ultim ... -girl-back
Don't Be Bitter : https://www.girlschase.com/content/most- ... -be-bitter
How Preselection Can Get You Girls : https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-p ... -you-girls

 

[Penguin]

That's good if you thought the intrigue was in fact there. Obviously you know better than anyone what you did .

I know how hard it is to get a date when work and stuff gets in the way. Girls tend to make allowances for this as long as the guy isn't being slow out of choice. You could have taken her on a date instead of that guys only night though couldn't you?

You came across as having such high value that she probably wanted you as a boyfriend. Your value was so high to her that she actually thought you might not be obtainable and couldnt afford to play games or go slow with you. As aliparpar said, you acted in accordance with the lover role, and she did indeed want physical intimacy with you fast (and had to resort to her ex-boyfriend when you did not give it to her). Remember that the most sure-fire way to become her boyfriend is to be her lover first, so whichever you wanted, it was correct to act as a lover.

I'm disappointed for you as it started off so well. Use this as a valuable learning experience and next time check things on here as you're going along. That's what I do.

 

[ramirezs316]

She had originally wanted to come out with a group, but when her friends backed out, she flaked even though I still invited her. I should've invited her to do something just the two of us instead, but I was getting the sense that she would be more comfortable with other people there. When we finally made plans to meet up, we agreed to the group thing and I suggested we do something just the two of us if her friends fell through (I should've just kept it the two of us, ugh).

I guess I had been working under the old assumption that if you think a girl is looking at you seriously, you should take things slow. I played it cool and confident when we first met, whenever I texted her, and when we met up, but because I had thought it went well and I had made the proper moves considering it got cut short (setting up another date, being physical with the long hugs and the kiss), it threw me when I didn’t hear back.

I’ve been disappointed too. I wish I had made a few growing pains with a few lesser girls before I met her. She’s a 10 to me, and under different circumstances, given everything we had in common, we would’ve matched up really well. I had had such a terrible two years prior that when I finally found a girl I wanted to talk to, I hit the jackpot and wasn’t ready for it.

I’m letting it go and learning from it. But we both live in a small town and I go out every weekend, so there is a good chance that we will bump into each other. I know to act cool and maybe try to make her jealous. Are there any other pointers if she tries to talk to me?

 

[Light]

You asked earlier "What do I do if she is constantly busy?"

Simple. You simply stop contacting her for a while, and get in touch with her again around 10 days after.
Even better if she contacts you first.
You need to get the message accross to her that YOU too are also a very busy person, and don't waste valuable time.
When you do get in touch again, your message should be clear and simple - Set up a date.
Let her know that you would love to meet up again, just the two of you, and ask her when she is available.
That is it. Nothing more. Keep texting to the minimum, none for the best.

The next problem is the fact that you have already placed this girl on a pedestal.
You are putting her above you. Hence it affects you on a subconcious level.
You become cautious, and want to play it safe etc. This is what is holding you back.
Women are great at sensing these things, and will know immediately when they feel that they have little power over you. You become a less powerful dominant man, and her attraction for you DROPS!

You need to keep reminding yourself that "It's just another girl. No big deal!"
Read this blog from Chase:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/girls-silly-and-cute

As to your final question:
If you happen to bump into her again, simply give her a warm smile and wink at her. Then look away slowly back to your friends or to whatever you was supposed to be focusing on. No more than that.
This tells her a few things.
1) You two are not strangers, and you acknowledge her presence, and you are not feeling any awkwardness.
2) You are emotionally stable, and that what happened bewtween the two of you before doesn't affect your bigger goals in life. You are happy to move on, but she still has access to you.
3) You are cool, you are alpha male. You don't really think she is a big deal anymore.
4) If you want to talk to me, you're always welcome to come over and invest /commit. I ain't going to come to you.

 

[ramirezs316]

So I ran into her. I was at the gym, and she happened to be right near me. I almost didn't recognize her because she wasn't made up. I was waiting to see if she had spotted me, but I wasn't sure. A few minutes later, on my way back from the water fountain, she walked right near me. By that point, just smiling and winking would have been too weird to do and just leave it at there. So I said "hello" and asked her how she had been. She said "good." She seemed really cagey and awkward immediately, like she wanted to be anywhere else but in front of me. She didn't even want to small talk, she just tried to go back to working out with her friend. So I said, "It was good seeing you again" and left it at that.

I'm the type of guy who will confront something head on. I wasn't trying to chase her or set something up. I just wanted to say hello because we were occupying the same space together. I'll be honest, I was really nervous, but I didn't hesitate to greet her. It was something I knew I had to do, and her reaction told me everything. She was more nervous about it than I was, and she came off as rude by just trying to pretend the situation wasn't happening.

I still contend that I handled her mostly right from the outset and that she was giving me really strong signals that gave me the wrong idea in the end (I mean, do girls keep texting guys for six weeks just to fool around with them? Or give them minute long hugs if they don't have some higher interest?). She gave me a lot of warning signs along the way (being flaky, being kind of skeptical and needy, not even being straight up that she still wanted her ex). I could've responded to her better when she left, but I made my decisions in the moment and remained truthful to who I was at the time. Her rudeness and inability to confront a non confrontational situation just makes me feel like the stronger person out of this. She obviously doesn't know what she wants or how to handle what she wants. So, I feel a lot better now, and this has helped me move on.

 

[Light]

That was to be expected. Which is why I told you to just wink, sexy smile, and not talk to her.

What you should have done was exactly that, and said: "Hey, you alright." in a cool slow and smooth way...
She will say something like : "hey.. yea..."
... and you just WALK AWAY holding that sexy smile.
Thats all.

Why? Because if she really wanted to talk to you and fix things up, she would have pursued you after, or kept the conversation going. If she doesn't then you know where you stand.