I'm unbelievably sexually repressed. I need advice.

[Anonymous]

I'm writing this to document my sexual repression and trace it's origins. I just need advice to get over my sexual repression.

I've tried to improve myself over the past year, but I've really conditioned a horrible horrible thought pattern in my mind. I used to genuinely believe that sex was bad because I always prided myself over my "self-control" (I don't smoke or drink). I was also bullied in middle school and I always thought that I was unattractive and ugly. I was so terrified of being creepy that I silenced all sexual thoughts and tried my best to be ideal boyfriend material.
Just to give you guys an idea of my situation here is a conversation I had with friends a year ago in high school:

"Cmon Dave it's Senior Year, aren't you interested in any girl?"

They proceed to interrogate it out of me and here comes the typical sexual remarks

"Haha you should totally bang Jen!"

"NONO I CAN'T THINK ABOUT GIRLS THAT WAY IT'S CREEPY! STOP!!!"

"Haha you can bang her everywhere in that big room!"

"STOOOOOP! I'M NOT A HOT GUY, I CAN'T BE THINKING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT'S CREEPY!

"Chill out man..."

"It will be enough if someone liked me enough to be my girlfriend..."

"Whatever man up and stop with the pussy attitude."


I was at a boarding school so I witnessed and accepted that girls were lustful. I just decided on past experience that I was too ugly and creepy to deserve such thoughts and I would never have a chance to ever have sex unless I gave them a devoted relationship. I was just a shell of a man who went through the nice guy motions and all vaginas within 20 meters of me immediately dried and hardened into cement minutes within meeting me. I just figured I must be really unattractive and tried EVEN HARDER to be a nice guy because I'm not hot and so I have to EARN SEX (rediculous). Naturally my sexual repression has brought me into a porn and masturbation addiction. I eventually stumbled onto pick up and did a near 180. After finally seeing some girls eyeing me lustfully I was disgusted that girls liked to be treated like crap (In my definition sexual framing and trying to have sex with them was treating them badly, I have mostly gotten over this.)

I've nearly gotten intimate about 5 times or so, but my negative internal frames have done so much damage that I start getting angry and I drive the girl off. I think I automatically assume that because I'm low value they must be trash just like me to be attracted to someone as hopeless with me. I really hate what I've done to myself, girls go from gorgeous to repulsive in an instant due to my negative inner frames. I just wish I could open up, My only hopeful sign was that the first time I really tried to get a girl my lust took over and I grabbed her and pulled her on top of me. She was really into it and I could have deflowered both of us but It wasn't to be. My hangups popped up and I drove her away. I just wish I could have the natural lust that a man should have because I can do anything but close. The Framing and bonding usually go well, but my sexual hangups keep me a virgin.


I'm trying to reconnect to my original instincts and understand how I went from open to ashamed. The only time I remember being unhibited was when I was little. Even though we think of kids as innocent, I wanted girls as long as I could remember. When I was 5 years old in kindergarten I kissed the girl I liked in the playground. This probably sounds creepy but I've even removed a girl's pants (to my defense we were both 5 and she was okay with it) but being 5 years old I had no idea why I was interested in what's under a girl's pants, so nothing occured. Thinking about it I actually realize that without the restraint of parents we'd probably all have had sex like bunnies at 13 or so, since there were a lot of other curious kids. My original kid self that wasn't shamed out of his natural instincts would have no problem with a lifestyle like a lover because I never worried about what the girl did on her own time. I just wanted to kiss her and enjoy how soft and beautiful she was, then go back to what I was doing once I had my fill.


I guess my sexual shame started because I was so open about my desire for this girl that all the other kids mocked me and I eventually repressed myself into nice guy mode with all other girls. I wanted to be nice and proper and "grow up" because I eventually got expelled from my first elementary school for beating the shit out of bullies and being very forward with girls. I wish my desire didn't develop so strongly so early so I wouldn't be shamed out of it. If I started getting into girls at the 6th grade like everyone else I might have had better luck since it would be normal then. I probably could have cleaned up like nobody's business in jr. high and high school instead of rejecting the girls that were into me for the sake of something as stupid and intagible as being pure and eventually having absolutely zero female attention and becoming the king of the friend zone.


Looking back, I started from kid asshole and went to the opposite extreme of nice guy doormat. I want to get some of my pep back from being a kid. On top of everything I have had a complicated relationship with my mother who has treated me badly which is another factor.
I'm working out and doing yoga to increase testosterone and dopamene receptors and trying to cut porn and masturbation so I can have a stronger sex drive. I just want my lustfulness to return and get turned on by girls, because even though I get mentally excited to talk to girls my interest evaporates quickly and my sexual frames start seeming completely incongruent.

So, how have you gotten over horrible sexual repression? I want to do my best to just bed someone so my brain can just realize "Yes you can have sex!"

 

[Vash]

I know exactly how you feel man.

Back in grade school, I think I was a pretty shy kid. This was mostly due to the fact that every time I did try and stand out a bit, I was bullied for it. Being literally the smartest kid in the class didn't really help the case either. So I mostly kept to myself, although I did started getting interested in girls. Of course, I knew nothing about pickup and assumes romance was how it was like in the media, and be the nice guy. Express your feelings to a girl and do things for her like carry her books and help her with her homework, and she'll eventually notice how useful you are to her, of COURSE she'll fall in love with you! Yeah. Didn't work out so well at all. I faced further ridicule and humiliation from it, especially after I stalked this one girl I liked for months and she'll eventually told me off and called me a creep in front of the whole class. I had a couple friends, but even I could tell I was still the uncool one in the group.

So then in 7th and near 8th grade, I pretty much stopped giving a fuck. I'd become so withdrawn and exposed to countless years of insults, that at that point I really didn't care what people thunk of me. People insulted me, I would glare and shrug it right off. From then on, school-work pretty much became my number one priority. I remember my teachers even talked to my parents about this and mentioned how they've never seen me smile or enjoying myself as much as other kids, and that I kept to myself a lot, to which my parents thought was bullshit, since I acted just fine at home.

After that, things changed a bit. People started respecting me a bit more. One of the hottest girls in my class who found out I had a crush on her and used to be repulsed and disgusted by it , was now scrambling for my attention, from sitting on my lap during lunch to rubbing my crotch under the desks in class when she sat next to me. I played a long and gave her a bit of attention, and since I still had a crush on her, I was of course to scared to make a move.

Enter high school, where I thought that I could make myself a new person and renew myself. "Everything was going to be different!" I thought. Not. It's the same shit that I had before, only with new people and a lot more romance going on. I was still pretty scared of approaching and dating girls, since expressing my interest didn't go over so well in the past. I made a lot more friends though, and for the first time, I made friends with girls. I was fine at making friends with girls (except for those I deemed to be "out of my league". One super hot latina girl I thought I had a chance with turned me down, and she moved on to dating seniors on the basketball team), I just couldn't close out with them. I did have one girlfriend in my entirety of high-school, who I met as a friend and walked up to because I thought she was cute and thought, "Well what the hell, go up to her" We soon became good friends and I took real long before made a move (Nov '09 till Feb '10 where I actually told her I LIKED her) We dated and were on again and off again (never had sex, since I respected her too much and thought girls didn't even really like sex in the first place) until I eventually transferred schools and haven't seen her since. Even if I was pretty inexperienced, she's still one of the greatest people I've ever met and I still talk to her to this day.

Sex fascinated me. As a boy, after learning how to masterbate and discovering porn (thank you Internet), I wanted to learn everything there was to know and how to be good at it. Then I realized as I got older that in order to get sex in the FIRST place, you had to get a girlfriend or be good with women in general. So I did a lot of research on that (again, thank you Internet), but could never actually apply a lot of it (I transferred to an all boys school for a while). It really started to stump me how assholes were getting girls easily. I knew of the stereotype that girls like bad boys (a stereotype that hold a lot of truth to it) but girls everywhere kept saying the same thing. They wanted a sweet and nice guy who would treat them right and sweep them off their feet. Yet these jerks who were going against what the girls SAID they wanted and what the research stated as prerequisites to getting a girlfriend in the first place, were having girls ogling over them like crazy. I knew I had to stop being nice, but I didn't know how, since being a flat-out douche just doesn't work. Then I stumbled onto Girl's Chase. "Oh, just another one of them PUA book ripoffs or something" I clicked the blog for the hell of it, and well, I read almost every single article I could find at least 5 times. My illusions and years of research were torn asunder as I read each new article, and it became more and more apparent just how ignorant I really was.

I had a LOT of sexual tension built over the years, even if I tried blocking it out, my body certainly knew. How I got over it was striving to hit a goal: to make myself for the better, way better than I've ever been in the past. I said "Fuck this." I was angry. I was tired of feeling worthless. I was sick of being Mr. Nice Guy Who Always Gets Ignored, and I didn't want to stay stuck like that forever. That has been my driving motivation. I wanted to break out of it. I wanted to have the fun that I KNEW that I deserved after years of torment. Why the hell should the jocks get all the fun? I wanna get the girls too. The super hot ones as well the the regular girls. I wanted to be desirable to women for once. I wanted no girl to be "out of my league". I want to reach a point where I could get any girl I wanted. It's this determination that has kept me going, and because of this, I was able to free myself of the sexual barrier. Thank god I'm still young (Just turned 18) and that I'm learning about these things. I knew repressing sex isn't what I wanted, it was just something I'd come to accept because of my failure with getting women in the first place. I know it's not what you want either. You'll get discouraged A LOT as you face rejections. Every time you start to doubt yourself about it and give up on it, just push on through. To get something, you have to want it. If you don't want sex and don't want to strive to get it, no one's going to give it to you. You must persist and not give up. After all, it's your biological destiny. Just keep on trucking man.

Vash