Exes Is my view of getting back with exes wrong???

[Skills]

I was helping a dude that just went though a break up, and he is a mess which of course is normal, he is depress which is normal, he is sad (normal), he does not want to game (normal).... After being with his girl and breaking up now he is regretting and wants to get back with the girl again (this feelings of doubt again normal and fantasies of getting back normal)....

But i am willing to be open minded and may change my believes, i am open to ideas on why getting back makes sense, i will first give you my points on why getting back is retarded:

- If you broke up or she broke up is for a reason, obviously it did not work out for _____________________ in the blank reason.....

- Usually people just don't break up out of the blue, people go through a lets make it work period, lets try to save this period, let put more effort into this (period).... Usually one or the other or both...... So when you break up is not like you and her did not try...

- The person you are dating post break up is not the same person is a different version of her and is a different version of you... is not the same relationship you got into the one you are living.... There is more resentment, more emotional pain, more build up....


^ this is all no me pulling this out my ass.... I will explain to you guys how i reached these conclusions.... Every time i broke up with the girl, i got back for these reasons:

1.- I could not endure the de pair bonding pain that comes with break ups, it was too much i wanted that shit to stop (horrible feeling)


2.- after a while i forgot the bad and just remember the good and i started blaming myself while being her defense attorney and making the girl totally blameless.... I was the monster she was the victim...

3.- I missed the sex with her (the dumbest reason to get back is sex)

4.- my family miss my exes (family and friends pressure to get back)

5.- I was fantasizing and projecting "a getting back everything will be different i will change and she will change future"


^ guys again, i will explain to you what happens when you get back:


step 1.- you are in your best fake behavior, she is on her fake best behavior.....(no fake per se alter to positive nice behavior, fake is not the right word)

step 2.- ^ with time you will get back to normal and you will be like "oh shit i forgot about this, now i remember why we broke up"

step 3.- you end up breaking up...


Guys again, i may be wrong, and you can prove me wrong with details on your getting back success stories, maybe i was all alone kj and maybe i don't know that much about relationships like i think i do.... Here is when i would get back:

- a misunderstanding that cause a break up.... (on her part or your part)
- maybe if it was something financial that cause too much friction and got resolved
- maybe if is distance that cause friction and got resolved

^ but to be honest even in those situations i have not seen it worked to be honest.... For me personally there is 0 circumstances on getting back now in honor to @Karea Ricardus D. I believe this COULD WORK:

- strong sock to women system that cause a drastic change... For example Karea girl got sooo shocked that went to therapy and actually really changed (but again we got a wait and see)... but maybe a success story...

- Getting back after years (key word years) of not being together and starting from 0....


But, guys seriously show me a relationship/s (serious ltr) were you broke up got back together and it totally was a success (for me is staying together at least 2 years after getting back)... And how it happen and why you broke up...

p.s. My original break up advice:

Break Ups - Break up dynamics for secret society members (seducers, women, gays)

Most break up posts, blogs, videos are mainly accurate but from a normal person view, not from a secret society (specially seducer/player) perspective. What is the difference you may ask? A secret society member is able to access sexual partners fairly quick and usually do not get onitis...

www.skilledseducer.com

 

[StrayDog]

I was helping a dude that just went though a break up, and he is a mess which of course is normal, he is depress which is normal, he is sad (normal), he does not want to game (normal).... After being with his girl and breaking up now he is regretting and wants to get back with the girl again (this feelings of doubt again normal and fantasies of getting back normal)....

But i am willing to be open minded and may change my believes, i am open to ideas on why getting back makes sense, i will first give you my points on why getting back is retarded:

- If you broke up or she broke up is for a reason, obviously it did not work out for _____________________ in the blank reason.....

- Usually people just don't break up out of the blue, people go through a lets make it work period, lets try to save this period, let put more effort into this (period).... Usually on or the other or both...... So when you break up is not like you did not try...

- The person you are dating post break up is not the same person is a different version of her and is a different version of you... is not the same relationship you got into the one you are living.... There is more resentment, more emotional pain, more build up....


^ this is all no me pulling this out my ass.... I will explain to you guys how i reach this conclusions.... Every time i broke up with the girl i got back for these reasons:

1.- I could not endure the de pair bonding pain that comes with break up it was too much i wanted that shit to stop (horrible feeling)


2.- after a while i forgot the bad and just remember the good and i started blaming myself while being her defense attorney and making the girl totally blameless.... I was the monster she was the victim...

3.- I missed the sex with her (the dumbest reason to get back is sex)

4.- my family miss my exes (family and friends pressure to get back)

5.- I was fantasizing and projecting "a getting back everything will be different i will change and she will change future"


^ guys again, i will explain to you what happens when you get back:


step 1.- you are in your best fake behavior, she is on her fake best behavior.....(no fake per se alter to positive nice behavior, fake is not the right word)

step 2.- ^ with time you will get back to normal and you will be like "oh shit i forgot about this, now i remember why we broke up"

step 3.- you end up breaking up...


Guys again, i may be wrong, and you can prove me wrong with details on your getting back success stories, maybe i was all alone kj and maybe i don't know that much about relationships like i think i do.... Here is when i would get back:

- a misunderstanding that cause a break up.... (on her part or your part)
- maybe if it was something financial that cause too much friction and got resolved
- maybe if is distance that cause friction and got resolved

^ but to be honest even in those situations i have not seen it worked to be honest.... For me personally there is 0 circumstances on getting back now in honor to @Karea Ricardus D. I believe this COULD WORK:

- strong sock to women system that cause a drastic change... For example Karea girl got sooo shocked that went to therapy and actually really changed (but again we got a wait and see)... but maybe a success story...

- Getting back after years (key word years) of not being together and starting from 0....


But, guys seriously show me a relationship/s (serious ltr) were you broke up got back together and it totally was a success (for me is staying together at least 2 years after getting back)... And how it happen and why you broke up...

p.s. My original break up advice:

Break Ups - Break up dynamics for secret society members (seducers, women, gays)

Most break up posts, blogs, videos are mainly accurate but from a normal person view, not from a secret society (specially seducer/player) perspective. What is the difference you may ask? A secret society member is able to access sexual partners fairly quick and usually do not get onitis...

www.skilledseducer.com

 

[Chase]

@Skills,

I share the same view as you.

I think it's totally retarded. To me it looks like people who are just stuck in place, not going anywhere, waffling endlessly about "should I stay or should I go?" and trying to extricate themselves then getting sucked back in. Indecisive and adrift.

BUT! I will say...

The vast majority of people really are" indecisive and adrift" in life.

Most men never reach sexual abundance.

That "best girl" they had REALLY MIGHT BE their best girl.

They may well never replace her with something better.

They might break up with her then go a year or two or more dry spell, regretting the breakup down into their bones.

I had a coaching client who banged a ton of girls but couldn't fall in love with any of them and told me the only one he ever truly loved was his ex he broke up with 10 years earlier.

I have seen dudes get back together with exes and go on to marry them.

Even so for some of my playboy buddies:

• One of my buddies had this girl in his rotation he liked more than others. Blonde girl. Very cute. Bartender. He once told me, "I know you like her for me but she's not marriage material." He Eiffel Towered her with his roommate a bunch of times and she knew he was ONS'ing other chicks and had others in his rotation. Eventually she got fed up that he would not get serious, got drunk and screwed the roommate without my buddy present, then dumped him. Buddy told me "I have to get her back. I have to WIN!" I'd never seen him affected by a woman before; told him as much. He was like "Don't tell anyone!" He got her back, knocked her up, moved her away from the big city. Now they have a white picket fence, four kids, and a dog. He said the marriage got rocky a few times and they both wanted out, but he managed everything and now it's pretty good. He says, "This is probably the best timeline. It's not easy, but I think it's better than her going and being a single mom working at some bar and me drinking myself to death hitting on dive bar skanks."
  
  
• Another one of my buddies had a chick he was living with who was constantly flipping out about his cheating, accusing him, crying, etc. He made her get an abortion and she deeply resented him for it. He bought her a dog and she viewed it as a manipulation tactic. Eventually he sent her to another city, planning to break up with her. She got there, broke up with him, then started going on dates with other dudes. My friend was a mess. He was coming over sobbing his eyes out, screaming, "WHY????" I was like "Dude, get a grip! You literally sent her away because you WANTED to break up!" He spent a week sobbing and asking me if he should get back with her or not (me: no, dude, don't do it!) before I just couldn't take it anymore and told him to let me know when he made a decision because I had other stuff to do than babysit him. He moved to her city, married her, had 3 kids with her, she stopped having sex with him, stopped talking to him (he probably got caught cheating again), he went through divorce proceedings with her, was confident he'd win custody of the kids, he did not win custody, then decided to patch things up with her again to not lose access to his kids. Now they're remarried and living together again... when I ask him on the state of the relationship he just dodges the question. So... ???

So I guess I would say there's one "success story" and one that is a lot more mixed... though with that second buddy who knows if it'd have gone any better with any other girl, lol...

Anyway: people get back with exes all the time, and legit stick around / get married / have families / etc., which is the endgame for most folks. Is that the best call? I dunno. But it "works out" for a lot of them.

The "ex back" industry is absolutely HUGE in the dating niche...

There are just lots and lots of people who ditch their exes then go "Oh no, what have I done!" then scramble to get them back.

Indecision...

Chase

 

[Skills]

@Skills,

I share the same view as you.

yeah i know based on your article "don't chase them replace them" i got that feeling as well...

I think it's totally retarded. To me it looks like people who are just stuck in place, not going anywhere, waffling endlessly about "should I stay or should I go?" and trying to extricate themselves then getting sucked back in. Indecisive and adrift.

correct

BUT! I will say...

The vast majority of people really are" indecisive and adrift" in life.

agree

Most men never reach sexual abundance.

agree, but that is not a reason to get back in a FAILED relationship...

That "best girl" they had REALLY MIGHT BE their best girl.

Again chase but that is not a reason to get back to a FAILED relationship

They may well never replace her with something better.

But this is not a reason to get back to a FAILED relationship

They might break up with her then go a year or two or more dry spell, regretting the breakup down into their bones.

Again, this is not a reason to get back to a FAILED relationship...

I had a coaching client who banged a ton of girls but couldn't fall in love with any of them and told me the only one he ever truly loved was his ex he broke up with 10 years earlier.

Yeah ^ this happens but is usually guys projecting and fantasizing is fictional... I made that point in the post (i have been through this, got back ended up breaking up)

I have seen dudes get back together with exes and go on to marry them.

^ please tell me are not the following stories:

Even so for some of my playboy buddies:

• One of my buddies had this girl in his rotation he liked more than others. Blonde girl. Very cute. Bartender. He once told me, "I know you like her for me but she's not marriage material." He Eiffel Towered her with his roommate a bunch of times and she knew he was ONS'ing other chicks and had others in his rotation. Eventually she got fed up that he would not get serious, got drunk and screwed the roommate without my buddy present, then dumped him. Buddy told me "I have to get her back. I have to WIN!" I'd never seen him affected by a woman before; told him as much. He was like "Don't tell anyone!" He got her back, knocked her up, moved her away from the big city. Now they have a white picket fence, four kids, and a dog. He said the marriage got rocky a few times and they both wanted out, but he managed everything and now it's pretty good. He says, "This is probably the best timeline. It's not easy, but I think it's better than her going and being a single mom working at some bar and me drinking myself to death hitting on dive bar skanks."
  
  
• Another one of my buddies had a chick he was living with who was constantly flipping out about his cheating, accusing him, crying, etc. He made her get an abortion and she deeply resented him for it. He bought her a dog and she viewed it as a manipulation tactic. Eventually he sent her to another city, planning to break up with her. She got there, broke up with him, then started going on dates with other dudes. My friend was a mess. He was coming over sobbing his eyes out, screaming, "WHY????" I was like "Dude, get a grip! You literally sent her away because you WANTED to break up!" He spent a week sobbing and asking me if he should get back with her or not (me: no, dude, don't do it!) before I just couldn't take it anymore and told him to let me know when he made a decision because I had other stuff to do than babysit him. He moved to her city, married her, had 3 kids with her, she stopped having sex with him, stopped talking to him (he probably got caught cheating again), he went through divorce proceedings with her, was confident he'd win custody of the kids, he did not win custody, then decided to patch things up with her again to not lose access to his kids. Now they're remarried and living together again... when I ask him on the state of the relationship he just dodges the question. So... ???

So I guess I would say there's one "success story" and one that is a lot more mixed... though with that second buddy who knows if it'd have gone any better with any other girl, lol...

Anyway: people get back with exes all the time, and legit stick around / get married / have families / etc., which is the endgame for most folks. Is that the best call? I dunno. But it "works out" for a lot of them.

The "ex back" industry is absolutely HUGE in the dating niche...

There are just lots and lots of people who ditch their exes then go "Oh no, what have I done!" then scramble to get them back.

Indecision...

Chase

chase again, maybe my English comprehension skills and my esol classes were a scam, please explain to me which one of the 2 nightmares stories you considered success stories.... Brah!

 

[Chase]

But this is not a reason to get back to a FAILED relationship

I think the definition of "failed" needs to change based on the decisiveness level / personal autonomy level of a person.

I see a lot of these relationships where the couple argue, then sort of drift apart, neither is totally sure about it, neither is sure about being split apart, then both get back together.

Logic seems to be --> "Well let's try splitting up" --> "Erm, um, I don't like this" --> "Let's try getting back together" --> "Okay, this isn't perfect, but it is better than being split apart."

The whole satisficing process is about trying to make sense of what caliber of mate you can get + reasonably retain. A lot of people seem to think, "I can probably do better than this," then make their exit only to realize, "Oh shit, maybe I cannot do better than this," and go back.

To these people (again, I am not endorsing this... just saying what I have seen), I think the phrase "It's only a failure when you quit" applies. ("Well look, I quit momentarily, but then I went back, so it never really failed")

^ please tell me are not the following stories:

chase again, maybe my English comprehension skills and my esol classes were a scam, please explain to me which one of the 2 nightmares stories you considered success stories.... Brah!

Well, what is a "relationship success story" to you, @Skills?

Just asking. Is it "perfect harmony forever after"? If so I don't think it exists...

IME, people rate as "successful" very different things.

The low drama childless couple that goes to spas and tourist attractions together vs. the argumentative couple that raises a bunch of mostly well-adjusted and successful kids... which was the greater success? Very much depends on the values of the guy passing judgment on them.

My barfly buddy who feels he's now in his "best timeline" -- what would you change about his relationship to make it "successful"... and do you think he'd agree with your changes..?

Chase

 

[Skills]

I think the definition of "failed" needs to change based on the decisiveness level / personal autonomy level of a person.

Chase this is what i wanted your input so i can open up and not be dogmatic or projecting in my views.... Ok for me failed is when the couple was together for a while lets say over a year were they pretty much know each other and the dynamics..... And there are issues that cause tons of frictions that are not getting resolved after multiple attempts of dealing with issue.... let me give you an analogy in the forum we have a good poster/or seducer he start giving issues, we warn, we try working with them, then we banned them..... Sometimes they come back, never works.... I am not talking about the fight you soft next or she soft next and you get back....I am talking hard next term....

I see a lot of these relationships where the couple argue, then sort of drift apart, neither is totally sure about it, neither is sure about being split apart, then both get back together.

Logic seems to be --> "Well let's try splitting up" --> "Erm, um, I don't like this" --> "Let's try getting back together" --> "Okay, this isn't perfect, but it is better than being split apart."

^these are more of soft next dynamics.... I am talking post hard next.... Please clarify or are you referring post hard next (her doing or dude doing)

The whole satisficing process is about trying to make sense of what caliber of mate you can get + reasonably retain. A lot of people seem to think, "I can probably do better than this," then make their exit only to realize, "Oh shit, maybe I cannot do better than this," and go back.

^ chase only a minority of hard core players in the community ^ do that.... But in my experience that is not why guys are breaking up, is just dis satisfaction vs oh let me break up due to "i can do better"... I am going to ask permission to the dude to see if i can post a letter he made to the girl to show this point...

To these people (again, I am not endorsing this... just saying what I have seen), I think the phrase "It's only a failure when you quit" applies. ("Well look, I quit momentarily, but then I went back, so it never really failed")

^ yeah i think chase we need to see if is soft next (when people fight and temporary get back dynamics) vs the hard next (when the women specially reach what i call the "breaking point" though some dudes reach it as well.... (the guy i am helping reach the breaking point), But now change his mind... jesus!

Well, what is a "relationship success story" to you, @Skills?

no actually you are right chase, both are success... Cause my criteria per op is "got back and lasted 2 years" i think i was projecting my bad....

Just asking. Is it "perfect harmony forever after"? If so I don't think it exists...

no you are right, again i was projecting, my bad

IME, people rate as "successful" very different things.

agree

The low drama childless couple that goes to spas and tourist attractions together vs. the argumentative couple that raises a bunch of mostly well-adjusted and successful kids... which was the greater success? Very much depends on the values of the guy passing judgment on them.

agree i think i was projecting again...

My barfly buddy who feels he's now in his "best timeline" -- what would you change about his relationship to make it "successful"... and do you think he'd agree with your changes..?

Chase

^nah you are right! i was just projecting my bad... but for skills total nightmare from the way he went into the relationship to the history pre marriage, to the sexless marriage... For me is like a nightmare come true with the 50 kids on top of the ice cream...

 

[OldGuy]

I had two breakups involving long term relationships. The first was in grad school with an undergrad, thought if we were still going together after we graduated we would get married. After 5+ years, I was going with her and another woman, K., and had a job offer near Death Valley. I broke up with the first woman, telling her I was going to marry K., next day I proposed to K., whose reply was "Maybe, there is this sexy new guy". Got back together with the first woman the next day. Two plus years later, the first woman turned my proposals. We remained friends. I went to her weddings, they raised two sons, and nearly 33 years later, I attended her husband's funeral.
The other breakup where we got together was after our first date (the other guy moved faster). We had a mutual friend through social circle, and every6 months or so I would ask about her. She invited to join her on a hike, and we got together for a couple of years. We are still friends, although she was the FWB from hell.

 

[Skills]

I had two breakups involving long term relationships. The first was in grad school with an undergrad, thought if we were still going together after we graduated we would get married. After 5+ years, I was going with her and another woman, K., and had a job offer near Death Valley. I broke up with the first woman, telling her I was going to marry K., next day I proposed to K., whose reply was "Maybe, there is this sexy new guy". Got back together with the first woman the next day. Two plus years later, the first woman turned my proposals. We remained friends. I went to her weddings, they raised two sons, and nearly 33 years later, I attended her husband's funeral.
The other breakup where we got together was after our first date (the other guy moved faster). We had a mutual friend through social circle, and every6 months or so I would ask about her. She invited to join her on a hike, and we got together for a couple of years. We are still friends, although she was the FWB from hell.

This is not the context, chase had similar examples out of context..

Context is your gf/wf/fiancee you date, then you have issues and friction after dealing with that you break up...

The above Is the context... I thought it was obvious... No fwds that got screened out or fbs you guys regreted... Got back and made then mains... No the context of the post...

 

[Chase]

Chase this is what i wanted your input so i can open up and not be dogmatic or projecting in my views.... Ok for me failed is when the couple was together for a while lets say over a year were they pretty much know each other and the dynamics..... And there are issues that cause tons of frictions that are not getting resolved after multiple attempts of dealing with issue.... let me give you an analogy in the forum we have a good poster/or seducer he start giving issues, we warn, we try working with them, then we banned them..... Sometimes they come back, never works.... I am not talking about the fight you soft next or she soft next and you get back....I am talking hard next term....

Here is something I realized trying to coach friends through disastrous pairings / bad relationships from my perspective years ago, Skills...

Like, the friend who ended up in the sexless marriage, divorced, then remarried to not lose access to the kids... I tried to talk him out of that relationship before they made it official... his wife ended up hating my guts and I got bumped down from being his best man at the wedding to just some guy seated at the very back of the wedding, just to keep the peace, lol... I was seated right next to her horrible ugly slut friend, who was constantly trying to get the bride to cheat, and whom the groom hated as much as the bride hated me... worst wedding ever... anyway, for the longest time I could not figure it out, then one day it clicked that for the most part people get the relationships they deserve.

This guy's father was a serial philanderer whose wife moved out and refused to see him for many years because the father was always cheating (but did not divorce him; they just stayed married but separated). Finally they got back together but the father kept cheating and the wife kicked him back out again. I think eventually did divorce, when their youngest kid was like 30.

That was this guy's childhood experience of what "a relationship" looks like... I'm sure there is a genetic component there as well.

So, probably, he was always going to end up in a relationship like this, and repeat the patterns he learned in childhood.

His wife had her own messed up family history... they attracted each other and fit.

But he still managed to produce some kids, from what I hear they are doing well in school, both parents are in the home raising them together, so from that standpoint I would say "semi-successful"... obviously it would be a lot more successful if the relationship was not broken (and who knows, maybe they patched it up some... he was vague about it I saw him), but I don't think a non-broken relationship would even be possible for that guy.

When he was divorcing the wife, he introduced me to his new fiancée, this BPD chick he met in school getting a second masters degree... chick was very hot and charismatic but I could already tell they were going to have trouble. She ended up dumping him and ghosting him at some point seemingly out of the blue (IIRC she was trying to make their relationship "official" before his divorce went through but if he did that he was afraid his ex would use that as evidence in divorce court that he was screwing around and then really take him to the cleaners. New girl couldn't wait any longer and hit the off ramp).

That is just his trend: just picks these chicks that are depressives (like the wife) or BPD "fear of abandonment" (like the fiancée) and promises them the world until they lose patience with him and leave (dude is the type of guy constantly over-promising everything to everyone, which makes him sound super awesome and capable at first, until you figure out he almost never delivers).

For a guy like that I don't think you can judge "success" on any kind of normal/healthy dynamic... He is only going to be capable of a more limited success...

One time when he was single I fixed him up with a really chill, hot, normal chick with a good job, no issues, etc. He dated her for a short while but got too bored and broke up. People get the relationships they deserve...

^ chase only a minority of hard core players in the community ^ do that.... But in my experience that is not why guys are breaking up, is just dis satisfaction vs oh let me break up due to "i can do better"... I am going to ask permission to the dude to see if i can post a letter he made to the girl to show this point...

Yeah I didn't mean players. Sorry.

I was assuming most of your coaching clients are regular guys and not big time players... that has been the case for me anyway (some clients who shag a lot of chicks, but also a lot of regular guys who just want dating/relationship advice).

^ yeah i think chase we need to see if is soft next (when people fight and temporary get back dynamics) vs the hard next (when the women specially reach what i call the "breaking point" though some dudes reach it as well.... (the guy i am helping reach the breaking point), But now change his mind... jesus!

There is that old meme about breakups where it's like:

WEEK 1: man celebrating (thinking of all the pussy he will get), woman crying.

WEEK 3: woman celebrating (partying hard at the club getting tons of male attention), man crying (because the pussy did not come as easily as he thought).

I've had multiple coaching clients where the guy broke up with the girl due to drama, but three months later he has only banged one girl and now he's stressing out because he can't stop thinking about the ex. You try telling them "GFTOW" and they're like "I'll do that, but also, how can I get my ex back? I'd like to try again."

Crazy thing is when you get the ones who contact you later and are like "I got her back, and it was good for a week, but then we started fighting again and broke back up. You were right and I am GFTOW now." Some guys just need to go through it.

no actually you are right chase, both are success... Cause my criteria per op is "got back and lasted 2 years" i think i was projecting my bad....

np

^nah you are right! i was just projecting my bad... but for skills total nightmare from the way he went into the relationship to the history pre marriage, to the sexless marriage... For me is like a nightmare come true with the 50 kids on top of the ice cream...

Yeah me too, dude.

I tried to save him from that... he would not be saved...

Actually I have found coaching clients will actually listen to my relationship advice a lot of the time, but friends will not.

Guy in the sexless marriage -- I told him "Do not marry that girl; find someone else!" but he did not listen.

Another friend I told him "Your chick is BPD, she is going to cheat on you and destroy your ego, I am just trying to protect you" but he got angry and insulted me any way he could think of (even started complaining that I ate McDonald's in South Korea instead of always going to Korean food restaurants)... didn't hear from him for four years when he contacted me to tell me I was right and he should have listened to me... then he met another girl and cut off contact from me again (probably another BPD chick).

My barfly buddy I told him "That girl is wife-caliber for you, don't go spit-roasting her with your roommate man, you will regret it" but he did not listen, had his whole disaster, ended up marrying her anyway but you've got to imagine that affects the relationship in some way...

Nowadays with friends I will point something out but if they don't seem open to the advice I will just shrug and let them do what they are going to do.

At least if a guy is paying you for coaching he is open to another perspective and aware enough that he needs advising that he is willing to put his money where his mouth is.

Chase