I've Lost my Dominance

[Bboy100]

Hey guys,

So recently, I've decided I've lost a lot of my dominance and my ability to lead, stand up for myself, be aggressive when I have to, start interesting but more risky conversation topics etc.
Basically, I feel like I've become more of a pussy.

This weekend I:
- Lost two dates because I kept doing slapstick/low status/goofy humor, and I failed to lead (because I was having difficulty asking for compliance...in particular, I'm having difficulty being persistent)
- Went to a couple parties and got pushed around by literally EVERYONE there
- Apologize a lot for things which I'm not really sorry
- Was afraid to step in and hold my friend back while he punched other people's cars out of rage (long story!)
- I also feel like my fundamentals have gotten significantly weaker over time.
...and so fourth.

...Overall, I've been behaving a little bit like a "nice guy". I've actually never had this problem in my life before. I've always been a relatively assertive guy.

I feel like I've hit a new low in terms of 1 on 1 conversations. I went out on a coffee date with this girl today. And she literally told me to my face that she thought "I was a nice guy, but she's not interested" then left.

I know one portion of this is the winner effect. The other part is maybe that I haven't bee on a lot of dates as of late, and I'm still "warming up" again. So to speak. But perhaps there's something else going on too. Thoughts?

 

[Thedoctor]

Bboy,

This is purely a theory based on some recent posts of yours recently such as this one:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=12668

But, it kind of sounds like you're having a bit of an identity crisis in terms of finding that sweet spot between nice guy and asshole. You can totally be both

If my theory is correct, these articles should help:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/secre ... etter-jerk
https://www.girlschase.com/content/genui ... rogant-man
(Obviously, read the full series on this one).

-John

 

[Bboy100]

Damn, you read my mind. I literally read those two articles as soon as I wrote this post haha.

But yeah...I've been reading too much dating advice by men who are a little bit inconsiderate of how hard this balance is to strike (probably because it's been so long since this has been a concern for them). A lot of this advice has helped me in some ways, but it seems it might also have erased a lot of the dickish qualities which made me attractive in the first place. I have to build them back up again.

I guess the actionable solution is to go out and try to "win" every interaction in hopes that I'll become comfortable with conflict again. It might be a little bit more difficult this time though. Cause I no longer get any enjoyment nor validation out of "winning" interactions like I used to. Now, it's going to feel more like a means to an end.