J Wick: The Road to Manhood

[Zoro]

I'm starting a new journal. It's only fitting since I'm starting a new chapter in life as well.

Just moved from the Deep North to South Florida. And I've been cutting out negative things in life. Breaking my porn/internet addiction has been proving to be like walking out into a sunny day after too long in a cave. It's been 28 days since I started.

I've been approaching more and slowly becoming the bold man I've always thought I was meant to be. I'm already a pretty attractive and likable guy, always have been. But my timidness hindered my exposure to life's experiences. Now is the time I become a man.

my goals here are:
Move out and become self sufficient/get off my parents back
Meet and bed more women and keep the quality ones around.
Build a social circle/have friends I can relate with and that are fun and help me grow.
Become more focused (work on a few things at a time and do them well rather than spread myself thin)
Figure out long term goals and work towards that.
Live life! Explore, Experience and Enjoy

I'm starting my own personal "Snatch Tournament" following the same rules until the August one starts.
I'm expecting the following posts to be reflections and FR updates of my personal Tournament.

 

[Zoro]

So I made 2 legit approaches (struck up a conversation and continued it), vibed with a girl in dance class and asked her out for drink but didn't get her number and basically only said hi to 2 other girls.

So I'm giving myself 3 points.

My biggest problems are being in my head and hesitation. Both are slowly subsiding. Progress!

Plenty of times today I saw a cute girl and then just like that, *poof* gone. I enjoy thinking of seduction as a hunt. The best hunters strike at opportunities and those who wait go hungry for pussy.

On a side note I dig Tango. Its a no rules dance with an emphasis on being aware of your partner and dancing as one. Very sexy and challenging. I value youthfulness because children enjoy life, but today I learned a little bit of what passion as a man feels like through Tango.

As for the girl in class, she and I got along well and I felt some chemistry and tension so I asked her for drinks and she said she's going out with a friend and I could come. I decided I'd take her number after class but not come out tonight and make plans to go out together alone. A curious thing happened after. So as class ended I walked outside before her. I expected her to come out right after me and then I'd get the number from her, but I could see she was chatting with the receptionist. No matter, I can wait a minute. So I busy myself for 5 minutes drinking water, changing my shoes. She hasn't moved. I take this as a hint and leave. I was actually feeling pretty good because I have been over coming my hesitations of asking girls out.

I imagine the girl changed her mind on me. There could be thousands of reasons and I have a couple of ideas why she may have decided against me, but I'll just keep note of what happened and focus ahead of me.

 

[Zoro]

I read Bboys article on goal setting. It's a good piece on NLP. I realized a lot of negative things and positive things as well that go on in my head. Great stuff.

That being said the mental overhaul may have exhausted me as today was a dud. Didn't approach any girls (though on saw a few) and then got very tired.

I have chronic fatigue symptoms from time to time which I think are very related to porn/internet addiction. I have been having less frequent and less intense symptoms since quiting. But in today's weakness I had spent a lot of time online dating. I still have work to do and am a bit vulnerable, but I am feeling confident. I know I can overcome this and with BBoys advice I'm going to achieve greatness

 

[Zoro]

Another off day. But I'm not too worried. Its no surprise that I'm feeling a bit down and out. I am literally in limbo between two cities as I'm still in the process of moving, Im not working either so I'm broke and I'm new to the area so I don't know many people. On top of that I have to find an apartment soon because I only have about a month of stay with my family here. Just gotta keep on keepin' on

And the cute girls must have stayed home today because I saw few out and about.

 

[ray_zorse]

Hey man, I am sure you have a better grasp on things than you think you do. About your dance class girl, there is one sure thing in seduction, and that is that if you don't pull the trigger when you have the opportunity, you will regret it. Haha, anything else that looks like a sure thing just isn't! Chase relates the story of a just-married hotty he pulled home with great difficulty, she was on his bed leafing through some sexy literature when he felt exhausted and took a breather instead of persisting the last 5%, poof, gone, and everlasting regrets. In your case with 5% more effort you could have got a number in the initial interaction, I don't know if you were interrupted by circumstances but if not you could have just burnt it down before returning to class, however, the best way is to be aware of the passage of time and the possibility of being interrupted (check logistics... she's waiting for a friend, number grab within 1-2 min, she's on a train and getting off after 5 stops, number grab within 2~3 stops, are some rules of thumb that I use), and be aware of high points in the conversation, and number grab on that basis. Remember Tolle: the past and future exist only in your mind. What matters is NOW -- especially with any escalation!

About your porn issue well good going so far. I'm a recovering porn addict too -- been 1yr since I quit porn and started GC. I don't miss it in the slightest. You said you already feel better, well persevere my brother. It's natural to feel a bit weird especially when life is topsy turvy as you describe. I'm sure things will even out. In the meantime stick doggedly to your goals. You seem to have a good grasp on what you need to do.

About approaching I read a funny book taking the piss out of PUA... "always approach, doesn't matter if she's standing on her head, juggling knives, ... there is no excuse, if you didn't approach you PUSSIED OUT"... author has a point, you cannot ALWAYS approach, BUT, you can train yourself to doso whenever conditions are favourable. Search web "Sasha daygame how to defeat approach anxiety forever".

Ray

 

[Zoro]

Ray,

*this turned out to be a mix of reply to you and notes to self**

Yeah, I like the proverb, "What killed the warrior? ...Hesitation" and that's a sticking point for me. Although, after quiting porn I have been more bold.

I'll be sure to check out Sasha's stuff, I like him and he's got a playful vibe, something I need work on.

I think I can agree with you that I know what to do, but I tend to try to do too much at once and it becomes a mess. After reading Darius's article today about juggling projects I decided to address my "fires" as he put it, which are becoming financially independent from my parents and build a social circle in this new city. The problem is I think when I get some results I'll want to ditch the plans and move prematurely to other things. I'll have to set specific goals, that way I'll have a finish line to strive for and can move on from there. Also I should make myself some guidelines of good habits that will help me reach those goals (ex.) getting good rest before a long work week/going out to Latin dance parties to meet people)

I've realized a very good way to meet people is to get focused about my projects. I've met amazing people when I'm on a mission, because eventually I run into like minded people and hit it off. This including meeting great cutesexy women because every girl likes a man on a mission

That being said I'm learning Tango and starting a band. Even though I think both will aid my project of meeting people and will take a small portion of my focus (Tango in my free time and I have lots of experience playing in bands) I wonder now if I'm still spreading myself too thin.

Ugh I'm starting over to overwhelm myself. I think I need to reassess whether or not building a social circle is a priority right now, I meet people pretty easy, especially considering tango and the band.

As you can see from my response I'm a bit scattered. I want to clean up my focus. I'm not sure where to start. Either way I know I'm headed in the right direction and I've already cleared up some confusion by journaling. Continuing my journal may help me clear my head. Somehow I've able to function in this chaos and conquering my scattered brained-ness will only help me relax and be more efficient. Fuk yeh.

Thanks for the response man, you've been a supportive presence here on the boards and doing good work yourself!
日本語がわからますか。Hope you have a great time in Japan, I'm planning on making a trip back there eventually, when I'm able to focus!

 

[Zoro]

Today was a better day!

I practiced having focus and also kept in mind the concept of Wu Wei.

Since I'm practicing focus and have priorities to address, I'm relaxing my efforts to cold approach girls. And you know what I wouldn't be surprised if I approach more girls and have more success now. I say that because I stress myself out pretty badly when I attempt to force myself to talk to girls. Instead of my mental process being, "Oh cute girl... Go up to her. Tell her she's cute. Just say hi. Do it. I'm taking too long. What am I even going to say? Now its weird. Oh shit she left." Today my mental process sounded more like, "Oh cute girl... I want to stand next to her so I will. You know what, I think I'll say something."

Since the pressure is off, I can think better. I honestly think there's a really smooth operator underneath all that stress.

Today I approached two girls and one opened me. I'll give myself 3 points.

The girl who opened me, was sitting on a bench behind me while I approached a different girl. I didn't pay mind to her (didn't know she was cute) til after I spoke to the other girl and sat down on the bench. She said I looked familiar. Turns out we worked together for a day or so. We were vibing and had some easy deep eye contact. She told me she just got engaged over the weekend, but despite this she seemed into me. I may have pursued her further if it were not for the engagement, but she did invite me to the bar she works at and in hindsight maybe I'll check that out.

 

[Zoro]

Going to copy and paste a comment I left on Chase's new article ("Is there something about girls you just don't get") because a little bridge was built between my understanding and the troubleshooting sections of my mind.

The secret society thing didn't trip me up. I understood the concept, well at least I thought I did!

You seem to be a half decent writer, Chase In that I'll read any article you put out because I know you'll drop a tiny bomb somewhere and expand my understanding.

Today's bomb?

'It’s all about showing her you view her in a SEXUAL light."

but also,

"Most women take nearly nothing at face value"

I've been struggling with being playful with girls I meet for a while. Perhaps its because I haven't been playing around with the most fun topic, sex. This honestly isn't something new to me, but rather you allowed something in my mind to come full circle.

Just saying thanks.

I "knew" girls are sexual beings and they will show this side to the right guy. Being inexperienced in some areas with women, things were lining up in ways that don't quite work or at least did lead to anything practical. With this I understand something I'm not doing that is hurting me. I'm treating every girl I meet at face value and only being as sexual as I think I can get away based on that. (I know girls are sexual, but rather skim on their complexity.)

So now, I think it'll do me so great good to remember the girl I'm speaking with is much more than she is showing, and that I view her in a sexual way. I'm thinking of the girl I met last night who was grinning like crazy talking to me, yet she told me she has a fiance. I was taking her for face value from what I knew about her (met her a couple of times briefly) but taking a step back I really do see a sexpot underneath! She let her guard down a bit this time I was talking to her, probably because she saw me chatting up another cute girl.

So understand the women I meet are much more than meets the eye, and be playful and sexual, because I know she is.

**To keep this in context, I will be trying to implement this with the same relaxed manner I described in last post. My focus is still on building focus and moving/finding a job and meeting people.***

 

[Zoro]

Focusing on focusing in a relaxed way and also cooling my jets on approaching girls is doing wonders. Today I was able to function much, work for longer, and deal with a particularly chaotic day, all because I was focused.

A cool thing happened at lunch too. We went to a small corner cafe that just started lunch in town. A cute hipsterish girl was working there and normally my mind would be firing off sirens and bells "OKAY ITS GO TIME, GET IN THERE BITCH" (honestly now that I'm more relaxed about it I see that it really was that crazy) but today I was just like " Oh cool." Normally being as burnt out as I was I'd feel pretty awkward, today I was chill and ended up exchanging a few playful words with her and the whole thing had a different feel, at least for me, that felt much better and attractive. All this without trying.

Its obvious now that I've been pushing myself way too hard and hindering myself quite a bit.

I'm sorry J Wick, I've been unreasonable. Its okay we are in this together J Wick.

 

[ray_zorse]

はい、ちょっとわかります！

I've been reading this about not pushing yourself too hard and being more relaxed about opening, and I think it's good, however I think you (J Wick and to some extent maybe RadEng) have not fully taken in the points in this article, it's one of the most important articles I have ever read and I am constantly recommending it to people, J Wick I am sorry I was too lazy to post a link last time, you might not have realized there was a specific article I wanted you to read.

Upshot is, that while I have also been taking it very easy, for personal reasons, the training from that article is extraordinarily effective, after practicing it for 3~4mths I cannot completely switch myself off, spoke to a number of cuties today, one of them I would normally have tried to number grab but I didn't because (as well as pussying out a little) I am unsure whether I want to do any dating ATM, but my point is to always approach b/c it makes the day more interesting, all you have to do is train your brain that anytime is approach time, there is no predetermined limits beyond beung in the moment and talking to her if you feel like it. Actually I have been enjoying having some friendly convo without trying to PU. I've also been enjoying focusing more on my kids instead of grabbing some chick's number, I can still talk to her but more easily break contact to pay attention to my kids and then talk to her later if I/we feel like doing so.

Ray

 

[Zoro]

Radeng,

Yeah it is a fine line indeed! You might be interested in the concept of wu wei. I've only really dabbled in it but, whenever I am most successful in life is when I'm at least aware of its teachings. I almost think of it as awareness meets autopilot. Most people in autopilot are in LalaLand, but being present in the moment and just being has really made me see opportunities and then go for them with ease. If you're interested, start with the Tao Te Ching.

Ray,

I'll check out that article. I actually still approach girls, its just not quite yet where I will approach anyone anywhere. My goal is to relax a bit and build up my strength (because all this pushing myself has wore me out and stressed me out) so I can get back in there full force!

I'm going to check out the article and thanks for that little insight since I had a feeling its really about building the habit.

 

[Zoro]

Another good and eye opening experience with this whole relaxed modus operandi.

I went out tonight and actually had fun. I went out with my friend to a festival and hung out with some girls he knew there. He's always with girls... Why don't I hang out with him more? But focus tonight was just hanging out with friends and having a good time. Nothing spectacular happened, but the very fact that I had a good time may very well be spectacular because in situations like last night I'm usually trying to leavd early, bored.

Normally, if there are no hot girls around, I'm thinking this is a waste of time. Which is stupid, but it makes sense because I was so zoned in on somehow forcing myself to get better with women that everything was revolving around it. Well with this new approach I'm actually talking to more women and being more social (since I'm not writing off everyone whos not a hot girl)

I actually was pretty comfortable talking about sex with the girls. It could be more relaxed and less explict, but it is something I have just really started to work on.

 

[Zoro]

Want to remember this article.

https://www.girlschase.com/print/1778

 

[Zoro]

I "relapsed" using porn. I justified it because my close friend, who is the most bad ass dude I've ever met ,says he watches porn everyday.

Here's the thing. Its not a big deal that I did. And I agree with him that the benefits of me quitting might all be mental.

But if cutting it out of my life is an effective way for me to see a positive change in myself then I'm going to stick to it. Besides when I do watch porn its usually late at night and I'm cutting into good sleep.

And I always refer to my bad ass friend as a machine. He functions well in any situation, in any any condition. He has come to band practice with his hands in stitches from a buzz saw accident, picks up his bass and takes a swig of whiskey. I'm learning from him that its possible to just go up against ridiculous odds and come out on top.

I'm a bit different. I take a while to recover after a night of drinking. I need to eat well or I get depressed and get bad skin. I'm pretty sensitive compared to my friend. Having him around definitely has put some hair on my chest, but I need to understand how I function and my own limits. This is about pushing my limits and growing, and if quitting porn helps me do that, then I shouldn't compare myself to him.

Instead of looking at him and saying, "if he can do it, I should be able to," I want to say, "Here is what he does well, lets see what I can do well." I have my own strengths and own methods, which can be influenced by witnessing someone else's unique strengths.

 

[Zoro]

Shit... Have not been doing well with porn use.

I'm still in my old city so I'm bored. I'm also taking a break from working out to let my shoulders heal.

Working out and being able to meet women are definitely a big help with quitting!

 

[Zoro]

Today I was at the mall with the sex drive of a segway. At least 2 cute girls caught my eye, but the one looked a bit older than I thought (still very cute) and I told myself the other wasn't my type (da fuk? Cute is definitely my type {; ) These are the situations I want to be able to plow through my ego and just say hi. I feel internal progress, but actually doing it, is where it counts.

Porn sapped my sex drive today. I went for a good month and a half, before crashing and fapping for the last two weeks here and there. I learned a lot though and confirmed how important and beneficial it is for me to cut that shit out. It funny just how MUCH I benefit from abstaining. Issues I've been dealing with for years (food sensitivities, chronic fatigue, lack of boldness) start to dissolve. I have been jerking it pretty regularly for years so I'm not used to being without it. I really think that using porn has been a major hindrance on myself.

The periods of abstinence have been sneak peeks into who I can become.

The man I want to be is literally who I become when I unplug from bad habits

And besides, porn abstinence helps me get laid.

 

[Smurf]

Sup J Wick!

Whenever you feel your willpower crashing, such as when you want to watch porn, or maybe don't want to approach that girl, remember to stay completely present when addressing the issue. Whenever my willpower is weak, I almost don't realize what I'm doing before I do it. Just try and acknowledge when that moment is and pull your strength together and do it, or don't do it (in case of porn). I like to think that each time I do that it's a small win and I'm strengthening myself.

Jake.

 

[Zoro]

Sup J Wick!

Whenever you feel your willpower crashing, such as when you want to watch porn, or maybe don't want to approach that girl, remember to stay completely present when addressing the issue. Whenever my willpower is weak, I almost don't realize what I'm doing before I do it. Just try and acknowledge when that moment is and pull your strength together and do it, or don't do it (in case of porn). I like to think that each time I do that it's a small win and I'm strengthening myself.

Jake.

Thanks Jake,

staying present in the moment is something I want to learn more about. Meditation, sports, being out in nature, and invigorating activities that require focus seem to help build this awareness of the moment.

I'm happy to say I'm back on the horse (5 days) and feeling strong and determined. Something that helped me was from a newsletter about porn addiction from nofapacademy.com

It said to acknowledge who you are and who want to be, and what your purpose is. For me its to be a great man, independent and a great lover of women. Porn has no room in that goal and takes away from my ability to become that man.

I'm still feeling pretty cloudy headed and lacking "the hunger" but I should start to feel a turn around in a week or so. I hope to do some damage in this month's tournament.

 

[Zoro]

My father just struck fear into my heart.

I'm still trying to move across the country and I'm broke. He pointed this out.

But I feel I need to do this. Staying in this city is sucking out my soul.

And I have goals. This is a stepping stone, a way to grow. I've been sucking at my parents' teets for too long. I need to severe the umbilical cord and starve myself so I can become hungry enough to climb out of the hole and take my life in my own hands.

It scares the shit out of me.

And I may fail.

But if I stay here any longer, my dreams and inspiration are going to dry up and you'll see a washed up bum who is numb to life.

And failure is lesson for me. Failure means that I'm doing something worth doing and have the courage to go after it.

I've been doing affirmations and it feel so powerful. I have all these doubts, but underneath I feel like a train. The doubts are just debris on the tracks and I plow right through them like "oh, I thought that was a big deal but I didn't even slow down."

And for once, I have a clear set of goals and a path I want to lead so I'll be explicit with it.

-move down to Florida
-get a job and support myself
-Grow the band successfully, making good money and touring the world
-Be a lifestyle type coach helping men to turn around their lives and sex life.
-travel extensively
-move to a good city I enjoy (maybe Eastern Europe)

If this sounds crazy to you, you're right it is.

But I have done crazy things like this already, and with much less organization and intent.
The thing that really strikes me about my path, is that I already have been involved in things that further these goals for years now.

 

[Zoro]

Didn't get much traffic on my FR so I'm reposting it in my journal.

Here it is...

I'm used to meeting cute girls at strange moments, but this takes the cake. I recount as much as I can remember from the short interaction because I really think subtleties are important to note.

I went with the Dad and bro to an aerial adventure park, its got zip lines, slack lines, wood balance beams, etc. all suspended 15 to 50 feet in the air. The courses vary from easy to expert using the same system as ski resorts (green circle -> double black diamond).

I thought I was going to do the double black diamonds like a champ. But I was about to lose my lunch on the blue square (intermediate) course. I learned I'm afraid of heights a little late.

But I made it through and faced my fears. I'm a better man for it and want to face more fears. Awesomeness all 'round.

Now to the girl. There's a course that's has a ton of zip lines, more of a fun course compared to the challenging ones. I notice a cute girl below me on what looks like a different course. Genuinely curious I ask her if its a black diamond course (thought it was). She says no and I leave it at that. There was a feeling I should have followed up with something to explain why I asked, but I didn't care. I was up there having fun and she looked like she was on a completely different course. I'm all like "WOOOO HOOOOO" as I go down the zip line, cuz it's fuckin fun and notice I catch her eye.

Turns out she was just ahead of me on the same course.

I'm like "awesome!", so I move along a little swifter to get a good look at this cutie. My brother is up ahead of me and she is just ahead of him. At the very last long zip line she stops to wait for her friends on the platform. My lil bro gets all tangled up from the ladder climb down to it and she has to help him out. I'm yelling down to my brother to make sure he's ok (he's 10) and thank her for helping out. Now I climb down and she's still there waiting for someone. I ask her "waiting for someone?" Just a tinge of it implying waiting for me ;}

She says yeah so I say "cool so you don't mind if I cut you?" As I'm attaching myself from the ladder I make some small talk

JW- Fun huh?
Cutie- Oh yeah haha (don't really remember if thats what we said exactly, but something situational)
JW- So where you from?
Cutie- XYZ, how about you?
JW- XYZ

I'm attaching myself through the zip line through out all this.

So I'm about ready to go, and I say fuck it. So I say "you know you're pretty cute... Do you want to meet up sometime?"

She says, "um... Probably not ...I have a boyfriend"

Imaginary boyfriend probably.

So I say okay that's fine, and she tells me to enjoy my ride. I zip off into the distance with a "YAHOOOOOOOOO", happy with my growth of the day facing fears and going for what I want.

So yeah, definitely not the typical day game situation at all, but the opportunities I run into seem to be anything but typical. I'm also interested in what is the best one can do in a situation like this where time is not on your side (and you're in a extraordinary situation).

And I can see how I didn't really give her of a reason to want to meet up. No connection, investment, or any of the good stuff.

Extra stuff:

After I got down she's still waiting in the platform. I see a little kid running down the slopes and turn into a rag doll and get a face full of rocks. No ones around so I help the little dude. He's okay, but I know she saw me. Brownie points.

The next part confused me. I was a bit disoriented from the harder courses so I may have mixed up the girl I checked out and asked out with another girl who looked a little too young for me (17ish). This would be important because I'm rocking a beard, long hair and chest hair exposed. Call me a sexy mountain man, cause that's what I am. Note: The course is in a forest, in the mountains during a festival so I fit the context pretty well haha

I also saw her walking around the area quite a few times. We were in the same areas coincidentally numerous times, it was kind of funny and I caught her looking over at me.

So questions...

What would you do in this situation?

What could I have done better?

Any words on being in the same area as a girl that turns you down? (obviously you want to be nonchalant, warm, and cool about it... but to put in one way, I felt like my eye contact was unsure where it should be.)

Thanks for reading.

-JW