My System for Not Feeling Approach Anxiety!

[AspiringStoic]

After almost a year of approaching, I really feel I have come up with a system where I trick my brain and almost completely surpass feeling any anxiety to approach girls. Bold claim I know. .

But this is not about how I have grown to not care and how I have become a stone cold pimp. Its a system that I have come up with after a lot of trial and error because I had debilitating resistance and anxiety.

Its a long post because I want to flesh out all my thoughts and how I came to my system. So read with an open mind, field test it and read it again before you make a decision on whether it could help you.

When does Approach Anxiety (AA) Arise?

Before I got into cold approach, I walked the same streets and saw the same beautiful women all around me but I never felt any approach anxiety. Whenever I saw a beautiful woman, I would steal glances at her, enjoy looking at her visually, even fantasize about her but I felt ZERO ANXIETY!

But once I started cold approach even mildly cute girls started giving me anxiety. Why?

The big difference is that before, I had no intention of approaching these girls. I had made no decision to approach any girl so I never felt any anxiety. So now that we know this, we can isolate what actually causes AA.

Approach Anxiety arises when 2 factors are present:

1. You have an intention to approach or have made a decision to approach a particular girl or girls in general....


2. And you have NOT YET approached or opened.

So any time you make a decision or have an intention to approach and have not done it yet, you feel this anxiety. Its a future projection but most importantly, it is only felt if you have made a decision to approach.

The entirety of last year, everyday I had the intention of approaching girls. Therefore until I did it, EVERY DAY I felt this anxiety and discomfort in anticipation of approaching from when I woke up until the point in the day when I would go out and approach. After I did my approaches for the day, the discomfort would disappear because I no longer had the intention of approaching.

Then on the very next day from the time I woke up, the discomfort and anxiety was back because I now had the renewed intention of approaching again and had not yet done it.

This was a really tiring cycle to endure every single day. I needed to constantly read, watch pick up content everyday to motivate myself and force myself to overcome this resistance and approach.

After reading some books on habits and momentum and one guide on AA (which I will list below) I took a closer look at this process.

There had been two instances in the year when a girl had come and stood in my vicinity at a bus stop when I was not looking to approach. But the opportunity seemed great, she was right next to me and the SAME BRAIN THAT USED TO PUT UP A TON OF RESISTANCE USUALLY, HAD ON THOSE TWO OCCASIONS URGED ME TO OPEN! And I had. I thought this was very strange.


Upon closer inspection I realized what was different on those two occasions. And it was this:

The time gap between when I DECIDED to open and when I did open was almost zero! As a result in the lead up to opening these girls I had almost zero anxiety.

Now you might say this is just the good old 3 second rule. But there is a difference! When trying to follow the three second rule, I still had made the decision to generally open girls and I would see the girl, make the decision to open and THEN force myself to walk over to her and open and therefore I still felt a lot of anxiety.

So I broke the process of approaching down further and asked myself these questions:

- Do I have anxiety to go out of my house and take a walk everyday? No.

- When I am out on the walk, do I feel anxious to just walk next to and past a pretty girl who is walking or just stand next to and within earshot of a pretty girl who is stationary? Nope.. Not really.

- Do I feel anxious to open and talk to the pretty girl after getting close to her?? YES! YES! YES!

Now that I had isolated the genesis of my resistance and anxiety, I decided to eliminate it and decided to do all the things right up to the last step before when my anxiety would start.

So my goal was not to approach girls anymore. I started to play a game. The game went like this:

- Go out everyday

- Find attractive girls you would approach

- If they are walking, just catch up to them as you would do if you were appproaching, but walk past them instead. No need to open.

-If they were stationary, get next to them, close enough to be within earshot. Stay there for 5 seconds and then walk away. No need to open.

Suddenly, all my anxiety and discomfort that I felt from the time I woke up disappeared! Because I no longer had the intention of approaching girls.


Instead I looked forward to playing this game. But then something amazing started to happen.

Everytime I was out playing this game, if I went out and took a walk for an hour and got next to 6-8 girls, once I was right there next to them my brain started saying, you are already here, she is right here, next to you, just say something!

I had not FORCED myself at all. I had not made any decision, I had not used any WILLPOWER to overcome any RESISTANCE.

I had just gone out and placed myself near girls WITH NO PRIOR INTENTION OF OPENING THEM!

And yet the same brain that used to come up with reasons to not open was now urging me to open.

I want to emphasize this point. It is not that the anxiety went away indefinitely.

When I was at home, if I thought of approaching girls, I felt resistance and anxiety.

If I came out and decided to open girls, I felt AA.

Even when I first saw the girl and thought of opening, I felt AA.

It was only after I just got close to her and was within her earshot, it was then that the resistance would melt away and my brain would urge me to open!

And again, if I opened and had a coversation with that girl, it was not that the anxiety disappeared indefinitely. It was the same process again with the next girl.

It did not even happen with every girl. My results started to look like this:

Went out for an hour and found 6-8 girls that I got next to.

Ended up opening 4-5 of them.

Of 4-5 of them, 2-3 were full fledged direct approaches.

Also it was not linear progression throughout the session. Sometimes, the very first girl I got close to, using this method, I would end up opening directly, then the next 2 I did not open at all, then I opened the next one with something indirect and then the last 2 were direct again etc.

So here I was without having any pre-set inention of opening and just by playing this game, I used to end up doing 2-3 direct cold approaches everyday.

But the best part was I felt no anxiety or discomfort throughout the day or even during the session.

Last year, when I tried doing Chase's 4 approaches/day challenge, I could not sustain it for 30 days and I had so much anxiety. Now, I know that if I follow this system and play this game, I inevitably end up approaching.

Its a question of ratios. If I get next to 10 girls, I end up opening 5-6.

If I get next to 6-8, I end up opening 2-4 girls.

This has been a massive massive breakthrough for me.

I know it sounds very counter intuitive but I would be happy to answer any questions or clarify misunderstandings that anyone has.

But lastly!

Disclaimer: This is not the just go out and "naturally" let it happen system. Its going out intentionally, finding attractive girls, walking up to them and then and ONLY then making the decision to open or not kind of naturally without forcing it.

Its about making the brain that works against us, work for us and get on our team.

 

[Stark]

I think this is pure genius.

You're getting into a FLOW state by playing a game that's way easier with the skillsets you possess.

Once you're within earshot, it's just 'one small will' required to talk to her.

Rather than exhausting your willpower reserves thinking of approaching girls from the get go.

I realized that I do this a lot in crowded transit venues without thinking.

Need to make it more like a game as you said it in the post.

Sounds exciting!

 

[AspiringStoic]

Once you're within earshot, it's just 'one small will' required to talk to her.

Rather than exhausting your willpower reserves thinking of approaching girls from the get go.

Yesss!! Spot on. You got it. This is the whole point.

I got it from reading a book on Momentum. He was talking about a goal of "just walking into the gym everyday" and then he was free to walk out if he wanted. But just walking in would lead to short term momentum being activated and then it would be harder to just walk out and not exercise than to just do some exercise.

This is exactly what I am trying to replicate in terms of approaching.

 

[gameboy]

I've been doing this from time to time when I saw a hot girl I wanted to approach, but had too much AA. I told myself "I'll just walk over and then see what happens." Then once I was there it was much easier to approach.

But I never did this systematically. Today after reading your strategy I gave it a try. It worked like a charm! Opened 4 girls this way, and without stressing out much. And I even did it in a shorter time frame than usual. Pretty cool!

 

[AspiringStoic]

I've been doing this from time to time when I saw a hot girl I wanted to approach, but had too much AA. I told myself "I'll just walk over and then see what happens." Then once I was there it was much easier to approach.

But I never did this systematically. Today after reading your strategy I gave it a try. It worked like a charm! Opened 4 girls this way, and without stressing out much. And I even did it in a shorter time frame than usual. Pretty cool!

So glad it helped. Till now its worked for me like a charm. Been field testing it from around mid December. I have never been more consistent with approaching and never been able to approach with this little anxiety.

Hope you use it consistently for a few weeks and see if it helps you as much as well.

 

[gameboy]

Hope you use it consistently for a few weeks and see if it helps you as much as well.

That's the plan. Will let you know!

 

[Skater]

You're an inspiration bro, thank you.

Have you run into trouble with your brain outsmarting itself (lol) and realizing it's all a cover for approaching anyway? In other words, do you find it necessary to keep continuously re-brainwashing yourself into convenient delusion?

After reading some books on habits and momentum and one guide on AA (which I will list below)

Which books and guide are these?

 

[AspiringStoic]

You're an inspiration bro, thank you.

Haha. You are kind. Thanks a lot.

Have you run into trouble with your brain outsmarting itself (lol) and realizing it's all a cover for approaching anyway? In other words, do you find it necessary to keep continuously re-brainwashing yourself into convenient delusion?

Yes. This is an issue. If at any point, I feel any "tension" about going out, I know that I am secretly entertaining goals of doing more than just going out and getting next to girls.

I use that as a cue to again make it clear to my brain that I " don't HAVE to open" and then the tension goes away. And then when I am already there, almost 99percent of the time I open.

In fact to convince my brain that it was not "just a trick" I actually went out and forced myself to not open and just get close to the girls for a couple of days.

 

[AspiringStoic]

Which books and guide are these?

Oops forgot about this. Thanks for reminding me! Here you go:

Mini Habits- Stephen Guise
Momentum- Stephen Guise
She is 6 Steps Away- Eric Disco

 

[Aussiedude]

One question, when you're reteaching your brain that you aren't approaching. So when you go up to the girl as if you were to approch but then don't.

This is working well, except if let's say I walk past the girl, so she's walking in the opposite direction of me. Do you think I should turn around and kinda catch up like I would approach? Because if she's standing still, or already walking in front of me. Makes total sense, but when they walk past me sometimes I feel a bit idk random turning around to catch up like I were to approach.

The thing is I find this method is working best when I do not skip any good looking chick. Not necesarily approaching as you said, but getting into talking distance of them. Like you would do when approaching.

If that makes sense? Or do you not give a fuck lmao and just turn around.

 

[AspiringStoic]

do you not give a fuck lmao and just turn around

Yup. This. I turn around catch up to her and walk past her. Actually this is an important thing that I figured out while doing this exercise.

I used to be walking down the street, see a girl walk by me in the opposite direction and then my mind would say, she is too hot, too tall, not hot etc and I would not turn around and go approach her. And I chalked this down as Approach Anxiety.

But... Here is the catch. When I started doing this, I did not even have to open and I still felt resistance to the idea of turning around and catching up to her! Then it got me thinking, how can you have approach anxiety when you are not even looking to approach!??

Now I realize that this resistance to turning around and catching up to her is the result of a general "spotlight effect". We think that everyone is paying minute attention to everything we do. Its absolutely not true.

So now when this happens, I just look around as if I just realized I am heading the wrong way, and then I turn around and catch up to her and either open or just walk past her.

 

[iceberg slim]

I'm digging this technique! It actually reminds me of a little jedi mind trick I played on myself over 10 years ago. My city was covered in snow and I went to the store to get a bundle of wood to make a fire in my backyard. I went there on my moped, and for some reason I decided I would prefer to steal the bundle of wood rather than pay for it. However right as the intention to shoplift the wood came into my mind, I got really nervous. So I told myself, "Well, you don't even know if the wood will fit on your moped so you might at well grab a bundle and plop it on there to make sure, before you buy it. And if anyone gets suspicious, you can explain what you're doing." The anxiety went away and I easily grabbed the wood and loaded it on my moped. Then as I was about to drive off, I got nervous again. So I did another trick: "You need to see if you can actually drive your moped with the wood on it, so test that out before you buy it." The nervousness went away and I easily drove off with the stolen wood, never to return!

I'm not endorsing shoplifting. That was idiotic of me. But I think it's a similar mental trick. I'm into it.

 

[baresa]

I'm new here and I wanted to reply only because I found this post through a google search.

I did follow the "She is 6 steps away" which is basically a copy of what you are suggesting. It makes total sense and on paper it is brilliant. But for me it did not work. I was able to place myself next to girls a few hundred (100) times but was unable to open my mouth and say something. Like you, I feel no anxiety standing next to them, but my mouth stays shut. The resistance to just say "Hi", is ENORMOUS. When standing next to her I am in peace, relaxed, no physical reactions, no internal voices - just calm and relaxed. I attribute this lack of opening my mouth to my low self esteem when it comes to women. So my self esteem needs to be built from the ground somewhere else.

 

[AspiringStoic]

I'm new here and I wanted to reply only because I found this post through a google search.

I did follow the "She is 6 steps away" which is basically a copy of what you are suggesting. It makes total sense and on paper it is brilliant. But for me it did not work. I was able to place myself next to girls a few hundred (100) times but was unable to open my mouth and say something. Like you, I feel no anxiety standing next to them, but my mouth stays shut. The resistance to just say "Hi", is ENORMOUS. When standing next to her I am in peace, relaxed, no physical reactions, no internal voices - just calm and relaxed. I attribute this lack of opening my mouth to my low self esteem when it comes to women. So my self esteem needs to be built from the ground somewhere else.

I don't know what the point of your post is. I never said it works for everyone. I literally said this is what has worked for me.

If you have really tried this and several other methods and nothing works, maybe there are deeper issues like you say and you need to handle them before trying cold approach.

Cold approach is like an extreme sport. You can't do it if you do not at least have a baseline of mental health. It can even be harmful.

Maybe you should befriend women and spend more time around them or go to social events and try speaking to women there where its not completely a cold approach and there is an implied social atmosphere.

Or maybe you need to work with a psychologist and then come back to cold approach once you are better.

Or maybe cold approach is just not for you and you are better of meeting women through other means.

 

[theReason]

Hey @baresa, welcome to the boards!

Hey, if you got 6 steps away from 100 women, that’s a good start!

Nothing stopping you from trying the same experiment again, right? You might be a little shook up, but it didn’t negatively effect your life in any permanent way, may as well try again.

This post might help you accentuate the mindset that Stoic puts forth here:
https://www.skilledseducer.com/thre...-intention-isnt-approaching.30323/post-188065

Also some basic links for you:
https://www.skilledseducer.com/forums/new-start-here.13/
https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/cold-approach-beginners-where-to-not-to-mass-approach.28444/
https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/stickied-the-best-of-the-beginners-board.5066/
https://www.skilledseducer.com/threads/when-and-how-much-should-you-polarize.10206/

 

[gameboy]

The resistance to just say "Hi", is ENORMOUS.

I know what you mean. It was the same for me when I started out.

I recommend doing the newbie challenge (search for it in the forums). It teaches you to do small steps. First you just say "hi". You can even do it just walking by. When I have particularly high approach anxiety, I just say hi to a few girls who have headphones in or are talking on their phones or whatever, while walking by. I don't expect to get any response, but sometimes I do and it's never been negative. (except some might give you a surprised look but who cares). Some say hi back. I found they will often mirror my energy, i.e. if I'm in a good mood they'll smile back at me. But it's not required.

Once you're comfortable doing that, you can start giving out compliments to girls you think are pretty. Again, if you're anxious, do it walking by without expecting to start a conversation. Almost nobody gets annoyed at a compliment, even if they don't like you. Hell, the other day a guy complimented my cap. I have no idea whether he was gay, but I still smiled and said thanks and actually enjoyed the compliment even though I'm not into guys at all. So there you go.

And then you just keep going step by step. Eventually you'll be starting conversations, and take it from there.

 

[Aussiedude]

I'm new here and I wanted to reply only because I found this post through a google search.

I did follow the "She is 6 steps away" which is basically a copy of what you are suggesting. It makes total sense and on paper it is brilliant. But for me it did not work. I was able to place myself next to girls a few hundred (100) times but was unable to open my mouth and say something. Like you, I feel no anxiety standing next to them, but my mouth stays shut. The resistance to just say "Hi", is ENORMOUS. When standing next to her I am in peace, relaxed, no physical reactions, no internal voices - just calm and relaxed. I attribute this lack of opening my mouth to my low self esteem when it comes to women. So my self esteem needs to be built from the ground somewhere else.

I think you might of misdiagnosed Aspiring stoic's advice. His advice was for guys who feel anxious when walking around with the intention of approaching. NOT the actual approach itself. To be honest if you don't feel any anxiety until the actual approach, once you're standing next to her. That's good news.

Plenty of guys struggle with the spotlight affect and a more general anxiety when out in public trying to approach.

Start asking the time and work your way up, and then start asking where's a good place to eat. Or ask for directions and say your phone is dead.

Sounds like you're JUST struggling with approach anxiety only. There's plenty of practical advice on doing your first couple approaches.

When I first started, I would ask girls for the time, directions etc. And then I gradually realized it's actually not that different. It's just you and a women talking.

Also if you wanna start your day on the right foot, go to your local park in the mornings and as you're walking just say good morning to people. I actually find it funnily makes you feel much better. Just a simple good morning.

Same as not going on your phone in the morning. Makes it so much easier to stay off social media for the rest of the day.

 

[AspiringStoic]

Guys, this is something I wanted to flesh out here. I think Chase has written about this many times too.

Lets be honest, how many people are there in the world who can cold approach stone cold sober in places like the street, mallls, coffee shops etc where there is absolutely no social context?

(I am not talking about Naturals who do it when they see IOIs. Just guys who have consciously trained themselves to do this.)

Not how many have tried it once or a few times, but how many guys are there who are able to do it regularly! Like just give it a thought.

As per the latest stats, I think there are approximately around 3000 BILLIONAIRES in the world.

Do you think there are more than 3000 guys in the world who went out yesterday and cold approached girls stone cold sober?

Maybe or maybe not. But I would estimate that the number of people who went and cold approached yesterday would not be much more than 3000. So this is literally as rare as being a billionaire or maybe even rarer.

99.999 percent of guys will never do this or stick with it long enough to even get just decent at this skill. Since a lot of us here on this forum do cold approach, I think we sometimes lose sight of this fact.

I heard recently some guy on YT comparing going out and cold approaching to going to the gym and working out. I thought to myself thats BULLSHIT!

There are 100s of gyms in my city, everyday, thousands of men go into a gym and workout. But how many go out and cold approach in the daytime?? I bet in my city, its not more than 10. Probably more like 3-4 guys.

Like 99.999 percent of the guys who are in a gym on a given day working out for an hour or so, would not be able to go out and approach 5 girls in that hour instead.

I know many guys who would rather get into a fight and risk getting severely physically injured than risk going up to girls and saying

"Hi, I think you look cute and I wanted to come meet you!"

So this is the level of resistance that we are talking about here. This is how rare this is.

But us, the ones who do it and want to learn this are a very very small minority! And we have specific and very strong reasons for why we want to have this skillset. This is what makes us endure all the bullshit that we encounter during cold approach and still keep going.

Whenever I see someone on this forum or on YouTube leave comments where basically they are arguing against cold approach or where they have this tone of "convince me why I should do cold approach" , I shake my head. I feel these people have no chance of learning this skill.

This skill is hard enough to learn even when you are fully on board and trying your best to learn it. People who have defeatist, victim and complaining tones have zero chance of learning this. It really isnt for them. And thats not an insult. This really is not for 99.99 percent of guys.

This is literally for just that 0.001 percent of peculiar guys who are insanely motivated to learn this. We literally are not normal, as in we are not the "norm". We are weirdos in a way.

And I think we need to keep this in perspective and not try to convince everyone to do this and keep telling them to stick at it when they are complaining and arguing against it.

A lot of guys would literally be way better off meeting women through other less daunting means.