New to going out. Get openers down and handling anxiety

[housecards]

Semester wrapped up. Finally got time to go out and adventure. Deciding to make it a habit and improve on it. I am pretty inexperienced and still face some extent of anxiety.
Did what I said I would do: headed out at 11pm and walked to a bar where I was completely out of my element two weeks ago. Since I still got anxiety, especially in nightspot where the sound is amplified, I wore a Apple Watch tonight just to see how my heart rate would go. (It turns out that it was once as low as 46 beats/min. In the venue!! The end went to 110+ beats per min)

My goal was just to practice opening and desensitizing myself. Open the first brunette at the area between bar and dance floor with handback-touch-elbow preopening:
Me: “Hi, how’s your night going?”
Brunette: “Good” (A bit smile. Maybe not. Don’t remember very clearly)
Me: “Only good? Why not great?” (Try to sound as flirty as possible. Don’t know how to make it work when DJ is rolling high though. Any idea?)
Brunette: Looked away and moved out a bit.
Then I looked away, too. No idea how to proceed. (I admit also try to save some face. Still put some effort to put my stupid ego online)

Then I moved to get a drink (bowed since I told myself I should open three girls before getting drinks. Damn!) A Jack&Coke cost $6 at a college bar. Ridiculous?

Chimed in to the dance floor crowd, sipping drink, standing and looking around for a while. (I know it’s a waste of time, but at the moment there was so much damn distraction)
Saw a brown chick that seems distracted from her group. Do the same preopener and opener as the first brunette:
Me: “Hi, how’s your night going?”
Brown: “What?”
Me: “How’s your night going?”
Brown: silence
Me: Looked away…..
Then the guys in her group came back reengage her. It’s a brown/Indian/Middle east social group. Didn’t feel comfortable at the time and bow out(not because of their race, but because it’s 3 guys + 1 girl in the group….)

Still on the dance area. Then there was this blonde chick dancing real hard and then suddenly stand in front of me. Thought was an AI so touched her arm with hardback and say “Hi”. No response at all…..(What was also interesting was that there was one black chick dancing with her seemed to throw me AI: her phone dropped on my foot, and later she when walked past my back I felt she grabbed my arm a bit. Thought about opening her but didn’t thought her was cute. Man she got a pretty nice body I would love to bang her when I am sitting down right now….)

Got back to bar counter trying to close the tab and get my card back. A average-looking chick swinged by:
Me: “Do you always grab random drinks at the counter?” (Though she was grabbing left-over drinks)
Her: (point to some dude next to her) “This is my boyfriend.”
Me: Looked away……

On my other side there were two dot-up blondes with tan skin. One was chatting with a dude, so I opened the other one:
Me: “How does the blood taste?” (her drink was red)
Her: “It’s OK.”
Me: “Only OK. Why not great?” (Same as what I did with the first one. Try to make it sound flirty)
Her: (raise eyebrow…) “Well” (Look away)
Me: …..(Looked away, too. Didn’t try to find a way to keep the conversation flowing)

These two blondes left, and two browns occupied their space next to me. I opened one with handback-on-arm preopener:
Me: “Hi I want to tell you that you have the best skin tone in the entire place”
Her: (Smile) “Thank you”
Me: (Smile and try to flirt) “You don’t believe it?”
Her (Still smile) “no”
Me: looked away….I don’t know why i always looked away when there is nothing coming out of the mouth. Like I told myself that I would focus on eye contact, but the lookaway and not reengage is just like happening automatically out of nervousness.

Called it a day and head back home. On my way back there was this one blonde chick that just said goodbye to her friend and now walking alone, so I decided to do a nighttime street approach. Followed her steps and preopened her with handback again:
Me: “Hi I saw you walking here and I wanna tell you that you have the best style of walk I have seen all day.”
Her: “No” (not in an angry rude tone. her tone was rather normal)
Me: (Smile) “Hey seriously?”
Her: “No thank you”
Alright I took that as a no and walk forward. (Should I persist and say something like “hey I just don’t want to see a pretty lady like you being alone tonight”?? There was a group walking right past me and I was a bit nervous)

I think that was all I can remember. I feel like I am way too prone to break eye contact after opening, and need to figure out what to say after opening. Also my voice definitely needs to be improved. So far I definitely need to open more and hone the openings and get the anxiety down.

Any comment and advice is well appreciated.

 

[Hue]

Hey housecards, welcome to the GC boards!

From what you wrote, it sounds like the main thing off about your approaches was your vibe. Since you're new to this and you mentioned anxiety, that's not too uncommon. It sounds like for some of your approaches the first thing you said, technically (as in mechanically - as one might see it on paper) was just fine.

"Hey, how's your night going?" is totally fine, if how you say it is a cool, relaxed, warm vibe. It's one of those things that takes a long time to develop, and definitely needs practice. The same goes for "Hi I saw you walking here and I wanna tell you that you have the best style of walk I have seen all day". You want to come off as friendly and interested, but confident and calm (as in not too eager).

Here's one of my favorite videos Hector made, on How To Make Small Talk Magical. I use this attitude and practice my tonality, annunciation, and subtle body language as my job as a server and since I've started practicing the reactions (smiles, happy customers) and results (tips, girls leaving there numbers) have gotten better - but this works in ANY context.

Something more flirty/teasy, like "Do you always grab random drinks at the counter?" or "How's the blood taste?" should be done with a cheeky or devilish smile to send off the vibe you're fucking around, and want to be playful with them.

It's not that a cool, warm vibe with a teasy comment would under no circumstance work, but for optimal use it's important to be congruent with the full picture. A warm, caring question, "Hey.. how's your night going?" with a warm smile and a friendly vibe is a stronger impact, and doesn't confuse her first impression of you.

Called it a day and head back home. On my way back there was this one blonde chick that just said goodbye to her friend and now walking alone, so I decided to do a nighttime street approach. Followed her steps and preopened her with handback again:
Me: “Hi I saw you walking here and I wanna tell you that you have the best style of walk I have seen all day.”
Her: “No” (not in an angry rude tone. her tone was rather normal)
Me: (Smile) “Hey seriously?”
Her: “No thank you”

Yea, this was a rejection. Not a harsh one, as you noted, but she was definitely not interested. At the end of the night, if a girl is walking home alone, her guard is up. If she was hanging around the outside of the bar or something, that environment is more conducive to persist, but not just as she's become alone, late at night, and walking down the street - that can become creepy fast.


Lastly, I noticed your use of "only good? why not great?". I used to use that too, and have found that comments like this don't do good things for you. This is because it's taking a positive thing (her night is good - or at least she's saying it is) and moving it in a negative direction. That will immediately put a dampening effect on your vibe. For me, I thought it might make her qualify herself, but this is rarely the case.

What if you had just gotten a B+ on a really hard test, you were happy with your grade, and then you told me. But then I go, "Oh, a B+? Well, an A would have been better." You see what I mean? It's the same effect, and it usually either makes the person feel bad about themselves or makes you look like a buzzkill.


But yo, 7 approaches! Way to get your feet wet and dive into an unfamiliar environment!

I think that was all I can remember. I feel like I am way too prone to break eye contact after opening, and need to figure out what to say after opening. Also my voice definitely needs to be improved. So far I definitely need to open more and hone the openings and get the anxiety down.

Set those goals man. In my experience, it's important to make specific, measurable things happen. And judging from ideas like "3 approaches before a drink", it seems like you plan to do exactly that best of luck out there bromigo.


Hope this helps!

Hue

 

[Richard]

House,

Welcome to the Boards!

Hue gave you solid feedback but I'm going to chime in with one quick tip. When I had approach anxiety I found it was best to own the anxiety in the opener like so;

"Hey, I'm feeling kind of nervous but I thought you looked amazing so I had to come talk to you."

My experience has been that it makes women a little more forgiving of your mistakes but the drawback is that instant attraction goes down because high quality guys aren't nervous about these kinds of things. However, it establishes a more "fair" playing field and gives both of you an expectation that is more manageable. The last caveat is that you're two-fold complimenting the woman because she's going to feel special that you're combating your anxiety to talk to her

Give it enough time and either a) you won't need that opener anymore or b) you can still use that opener but the "nervous" part becomes more sarcastic and funny!

-Richard

 

[housecards]

Hue,
Thanks for your feedback! I surely will implement what you suggest. It's aspirational the way Hector suggests how fundis could be learned. I had a look at your journal. The way you detail it and persist with it is truly amazing and motivational.

It's not that a cool, warm vibe with a teasy comment would under no circumstance work, but for optimal use it's important to be congruent with the full picture. A warm, caring question, "Hey.. how's your night going?" with a warm smile and a friendly vibe is a stronger impact, and doesn't confuse her first impression of you.

I am not really sure if the impression I convey is a warm, caring one (although I certainly want to have the "cool" box checked, and I admit I certainly chime into openings too cold and mechanical as of now), but does it seems like a cool and warm type of personality is what you think might be optimal for pickup (also close to what Chase teaches in this site)? Is it the type you try to develop for yourself?

 

[Hue]

I am not really sure if the impression I convey is a warm, caring one (although I certainly want to have the "cool" box checked, and I admit I certainly chime into openings too cold and mechanical as of now), but does it seems like a cool and warm type of personality is what you think might be optimal for pickup (also close to what Chase teaches in this site)? Is it the type you try to develop for yourself?

There is no optimal, one "best" method of success for pickup. At least, not a one-size-fits-all method.

There are universally attractive traits (fundamentals), general processes to get laid (opener --> instadate --> plausible deniability --> your house), and highly effective gambits (Alek's sexual prizing), though.

I personally am trying to work on making my personality warmer because one of my first problems was attainability (I give too many backhanded compliments / tease too much sometimes). Although, I'm trying to develop a style that is more-or-less adaptive to many situations.

Do not get this confused with conveying that you're a "nice guy". Having a warm personality means that you come off as trustworthy/approachable, and it attracts other warm personalities to you.

In Chase's article, How To Be A Warm Person he writes,

Warmth does NOT equal sexiness or seduction. For that, see "How to Be a Sexy Man," "How to Seduce Women," "How to Attract Women," and other content on this site. Warmth is warmth: it's good at putting people at ease around you, generating trust, and smoothing the way for your deep dives. It does make it much easier for women to enter a sexual state around you; however, they won't enter it with warmth alone. You must combine warmth with sexiness to do that. See the two seductions in the beginning of the Val Kilmer movie The Saint for a great example of what warmth and sexiness look like put together.

This helps with approaching when your opener is something along the lines of "how are you?" or a double compliment. It's about congruence.


On the other hand, if you're opening with a chase frame like, "so what are you getting me?" at a bar, it's important to be congruent with your voice, facial expressions and body language (head slightly cocked to the side, devilish smile, slightly leaning against the bar, a moment or two after she stands close to you). If you came up and said "what are you getting me?" with the same approach as "hey, how are you?" it wouldn't be congruent. Lol that'd actually be pretty funny, how I'm imagining that right now. Again, congruence.


Most importantly, it's about developing a style that fits you. Are you a strong stoic type with laser sharp eye contact? Are you a playful, easy going, silly guy that seamlessly builds touch and moves girls? Are you a unique, novel experience to women that deep dives them and makes them feel a strong connection only minutes into knowing them? Maybe you're none of these, yet. Figure out which one of these (or others) might work best for you when getting started bro. There's PLENTY of info on how to become that guy, if you so choose to.


Hue

 

[Starboy]

Hey congrats on your first night out. You might not have gotten the results you wanted,but at least you tried and put yourself out there to try. As of right now i'm too pussy to go out and approach girls at bars or the street because i'm not willing to deal with uncomfortable,awkward situations like you experienced where girls just ignore you or don't even acknowledge your existence. Like everyone on GC preaches the beginning is gonna be tough and awkward ,but just keep grinding,tweaking yourself and you'll breakthrough eventually.

 

[housecards]

Ben,
Thanks for the encouragement. This wasn't really the first time though. I noted I was there at the exact same place two weeks ago but did absolutely nothing. I just came in more prepared this time with meditation, visualization and other stuff that Alek talked about in his Awareness article https://www.girlschase.com/content/state-control-pt-3-awareness.

(This paragraph is also for Richard. Thanks for your tips. I never thought one could even open like that)
I find that knowing anxiety (a GOOD, NATURAL ONE) is gonna pop up actually helps. The credit goes to 60yearsofchallenge, from whom I read the books on seduction. Try to think of that anxiety as same as sexual tension that is just completely natural between men and women, and knowing that the anxiety is gonna be there no matter what will not only alleviate some fear towards approaching, but also triggers my curiosity to wonder, "what will it FEEL like?", therefore making me treating an outing like an adventure.

Also it is helpful to keep in mind that most of the feelings and actions we observe in social world are habitual and automatic, and it goes the same for girls. Sure they may ignore/reject you for whatever reason (if you ask any seducer who is good with women, they could probably list 30+ reasons. Please check out what I think is one of Chase's best brain hack https://www.girlschase.com/content/dating-success-probability-not-cause-and-effect), just like you may ignore girls who throw you approach invitations because of your being nervous (I admit I do, A LOT of time. Even during the day).

Lastly don't allow self-pity (which is vastly different from being humble!). This is especially important when engaging in self-talking. There are good ways to use negative thinking, like one of Trump's trumpcard from The Art of the Deal (I think it is called "protect the downhill. fight for the uphill". Basically it says thinking about the worst scenario that could possibly happens, and after you mentally accept it, you can go in dealing with the situation with much better preparation), but saying to yourself "I am a pussy" is neither rational nor constructive. Again these mental thoughts/reactions are 95% habitual, and they need to be developed in the same way you develop other habits like saving or not watching porn.

Maybe some situations are gonna be awkward and uncomfortable. However, without doubt the more rewarding one thing is, the more effort it's gonna take. Remember the old saying "there is no gain without pain"?

Come on! Life is short and we all have only one to live. What do you come to this world for? Just to do the easy stuff??

 

[housecards]

Hue,
Thanks that really sheds lights to my understanding. I think being warm as Chase suggests really boosts the "social value" part in Alek's "social vs sexual" dichotomy. It not only helps a great deal in socializing with people in general, but also opens the door for her to spread her legs more easily.

I haven't read the whole book How to make girls chase yet. At least not into the value/availability part. I am still digging on fundamentals and openings. Did you purchase One Date that was out earlier this year? If so do you think it Chase's thinking on dating and pickup is organized better in the new material?

 

[Hue]

House,

While I haven't read Chase's book, I did hop on the One Date train when it came out. It's packed with good information, and I think boils down the basics to a very understandable format, while it simultaneously provides insight to MANY nuanced situations (ex. 10 easy openers, how to determine which one is the best to use / not use).

I've only just now stopped being so busy that I didn't have time to properly study it, but that's a high priority project for the rest of the year for me. I have some must-do projects to get on for another week, but soon plan on following the homework (the course includes specific homework tasks for each lesson within the modules) to a T and actually pushing myself.