Hi, I'm new. I just discovered this site after googling a few basic questions and it seems like I've stumbled onto something I could have done with knowing about, like, for all of my life so far.
Anyway, I'm in a situation that was going great, and has recently gone very bad, and I'd like some advice. I'll give the briefest summary I can first, and then all the detail after, so you can pitch in as soon as you get bored reading.
Situation In Brief
I met this _extremely_ hot woman abroad when I was on vacation. We went on about 4 dates and really hit it off, amazing chemistry, very attracted to each other. I think I handled myself pretty well. We slept together twice and when I left I said we couldn't really be a couple bc of the distance thing, though I knew she wanted more. We stayed in touch over messaging, and I could tell she was still really into me and it was mutual. As soon as I could I arranged a trip for us to spend a week together in another city, and I bought her plane ticket as she genuinely couldn't afford it. She seemed very excited, and was like, "I'm counting down the days till I see ya," then one week before the trip she tells me she has exciting news, she met someone else, they're exclusive, they're in love, etc., and though she wants to see me she's not going to ruin a relationship that has the chance to go somewhere. Apparently she thought I only wanted her as a friend with benefits, as I was still going on dates, whereas she wanted a relationship, etc.
My heart sank, and I realized I should have moved faster, should have gone visit her when she was still into me. Then it kinda hit me, the rejection triggering my inner frustrated teenager, and also realizing how stupid I'd been not to make more of this _extremely_ hot woman when I had the chance, and make sure she could never forget me. At that point, I kinda regressed and got very sad and emotional with her (over messaging) which I'm sure did not help, while she was saying she had felt the same but it was too late now, and asking me for us to still be friends because I mean so much to her. Over that week I was a bit messy I'm sorry to say. Last contact was I wrote her a letter (messenger) and she said she will reply when she gets a chance but she's very busy lately.
I would like to regain my status as at least future/potential lover/bf in this woman's estimation. While I realize that long distance doesn't often work, etc., etc., this woman is so especially attractive to me, that I would gladly make plans with her a few times a year to have romantic holidays or we could be lovers when we don't have exclusive partners etc. I think we really connected, and while I won't say it was love, it was certainly an extremely powerful chemistry that I haven't known before.
More detail
I'm 43 years old, British, handsome (apparently), athletic/muscular build, successful career, financially stable, well educated, intelligent, creative, charismatic, competitive powerlifter, pianist. Divorcing after 24-year marriage, live alone in UK city apartment. She's 27, from USA midwest, single mum, fitness model, competitive bodybuilder, used to negative military guys and liked my confident affirming British gentleman approach. She's had two marriages: the first to a violent abuser, the second that was over in weeks bc he had been cheating on her throughout. Very different cultures and backgrounds but honestly, we both really liked each other, I don't think that was faked. She loved how attracted I was to her, I think she likes the affirmation. I guess due to her having a very muscular body, not many men are necessarily attracted to her look, and many women are judgemental. However for me personally it is the most attractive physique possible and very rare. I also think she's been lonely and wanting/needing someone else to feel part of, hence wanting "a relationship", i.e. the security of a monogamous commitment, which I couldn't realistically offer after a few dates and returning to different countries.
A couple of things on the holiday struck me as weird or maybe shit testing, but I didn't pay much attention out of inexperience. Yeah, I did say to her at the end of the holiday that we should let each other go, or whatever words I used ... but on returning I felt I really wanted to get to know this woman better and see if there was any future in it. She was clearly into me, and was messaging me a lot, a lot of compliments and stuff. But when I tried to set up a skype/facetime chat with her she didn't show for it. Which I thought was weird. So I asked her to arrange another time, which she didn't. And once or twice more, I asked if I could call her, and she said not right now, or I arranged for her to call me but then she didn't. So that whole 3 months our only contact was messaging, photos, snapchat, etc.
So then with the trip we arranged, at first she was really keen, she told me all the sex she wanted to have, in detail. Sent me explicit photos. Very sexual with me. When I bought her plane ticket and sent her the details though, she freaked a little bit and asked me to cancel it. I couldn't exactly work out why, but it seemed like it was either due to anxiety about financial costs, or gym/diet routine as she has a bodybuilding show she is prepping for. But when we talked it through she calmed down and then she was like, yeah, all good, we can make this work, it's gonna be great, looking forward to it, etc., etc.
So then when she messaged me that she met someone and it's "freaking awesome" how they "totally hit it off", it actually really hurt my feelings. Because I was really looking forward to a romantic and sexual holiday with this woman, and getting to know each other better, and see if maybe there was any possibility of us having more than that. I was really excited about it. And extremely turned on.
So at first I kept my cool, and I was like, "Well, great, so are you still coming?" And she was like, "Well I want to but it be cheatin now if we have sex," etc. And I backed off talking for a bit and she said, "So it seems like you only wanted me for sex since you're not talking to me now. This whole holiday felt just like I'm a fuck buddy to you, and I deserve more than that." At which point I added confusion and defensiveness to my hurt. And I started to wobble and crumble! That was when I went a bit teenage girl and was all like, no, no I really liked you, and she was like, well you had all this time to tell me and now I'm taken so it's too late... and it went a bit teenage drama I'm sorry to say.
Talking it over, she said she felt confused when I went on dates with other women and it hurt her. I pointed out that she had a gf and had sent me pictures of them kissing and having sex, and had also talked about going on dates with guys. She said she lied about going on dates so she would seem even with me because she didn't wanna make me feel bad. But at the same time she distanced herself from me, thinking that she didn't want to be hung up on someone she could never have. That's the narrative, but I don't know how much of it is true. I'm pretty out of my depth here.
She asked me to please stay in her life and be her friend as I am a huge part of her getting a spark back in her soul. She said, she told her bf all about me and that she is not letting me out of her life. (It's a little bit ... I dunno, teenage?) So I tried to regain my control and accept the 'friends' thing, because she is pretty special, but after writing a too-long note to her last week, she replied saying hey I'll get back to you as soon as I get the chance, and evidently she's busy as she has this show coming up, and tbh it is no small thing prepping for a national bodybuilding contest. But I woulda liked to be there with her supporting her as lover or bf. But I feel I got replaced. And I said I could still go if she wants, and she said that be great, but she didn't actually send me details or a proper invite.
So basically, this thing started out with me in a very confident and strong position, and generating a lot of mutual attraction for a woman who is excessively physically beautiful and absolutely my 'type'. Interest was sustained in spite of distance for about 2-3 months, during which time I failed to see that I was in a window of opportunity that I could further capitalize on. Then by the time we had the logistics, she had already moved on to someone else, unless it was just a way of blowing me off. I very suddenly got demoted from lover to friend, pen-pal and now, basically nothing I think.
Feeling shit about the change in circumstances, being ditched after buying a holiday, and feeling jealous of the new guy, I started searching online, and I found the 'manosphere'. I can already see plenty that I did wrong to end up in this position. (Gotta love hindsight.) But I'd really like a way to regain some desire/status/credibility with this woman, and at least be a potential future lover, even if she is going to see this bf guy for a few months until that probably falls apart (based on the limited amount I know).
I talked to my life coach / therapist and her view is that the woman has narcissistic tendencies, knew exactly what to say to keep me interested, and despite her words her actions don't show any value or respect for me. So in other words, I may have overlooked some serious deficits due to the strength of physical attraction. That may be, but the question still stands. Personally I feel like even if she is a handful of issues, shit-tests and anything else, that I would like to be able to raise my game to the point of keeping such a woman interested in me as a sexual prospect and desirable as a partner.
Well, that's about it. I'd really value advice from this point on. To the point where I'm willing to pay for coaching or whatever. Many thanks.
Anyway, I'm in a situation that was going great, and has recently gone very bad, and I'd like some advice. I'll give the briefest summary I can first, and then all the detail after, so you can pitch in as soon as you get bored reading.
Situation In Brief
I met this _extremely_ hot woman abroad when I was on vacation. We went on about 4 dates and really hit it off, amazing chemistry, very attracted to each other. I think I handled myself pretty well. We slept together twice and when I left I said we couldn't really be a couple bc of the distance thing, though I knew she wanted more. We stayed in touch over messaging, and I could tell she was still really into me and it was mutual. As soon as I could I arranged a trip for us to spend a week together in another city, and I bought her plane ticket as she genuinely couldn't afford it. She seemed very excited, and was like, "I'm counting down the days till I see ya," then one week before the trip she tells me she has exciting news, she met someone else, they're exclusive, they're in love, etc., and though she wants to see me she's not going to ruin a relationship that has the chance to go somewhere. Apparently she thought I only wanted her as a friend with benefits, as I was still going on dates, whereas she wanted a relationship, etc.
My heart sank, and I realized I should have moved faster, should have gone visit her when she was still into me. Then it kinda hit me, the rejection triggering my inner frustrated teenager, and also realizing how stupid I'd been not to make more of this _extremely_ hot woman when I had the chance, and make sure she could never forget me. At that point, I kinda regressed and got very sad and emotional with her (over messaging) which I'm sure did not help, while she was saying she had felt the same but it was too late now, and asking me for us to still be friends because I mean so much to her. Over that week I was a bit messy I'm sorry to say. Last contact was I wrote her a letter (messenger) and she said she will reply when she gets a chance but she's very busy lately.
I would like to regain my status as at least future/potential lover/bf in this woman's estimation. While I realize that long distance doesn't often work, etc., etc., this woman is so especially attractive to me, that I would gladly make plans with her a few times a year to have romantic holidays or we could be lovers when we don't have exclusive partners etc. I think we really connected, and while I won't say it was love, it was certainly an extremely powerful chemistry that I haven't known before.
More detail
I'm 43 years old, British, handsome (apparently), athletic/muscular build, successful career, financially stable, well educated, intelligent, creative, charismatic, competitive powerlifter, pianist. Divorcing after 24-year marriage, live alone in UK city apartment. She's 27, from USA midwest, single mum, fitness model, competitive bodybuilder, used to negative military guys and liked my confident affirming British gentleman approach. She's had two marriages: the first to a violent abuser, the second that was over in weeks bc he had been cheating on her throughout. Very different cultures and backgrounds but honestly, we both really liked each other, I don't think that was faked. She loved how attracted I was to her, I think she likes the affirmation. I guess due to her having a very muscular body, not many men are necessarily attracted to her look, and many women are judgemental. However for me personally it is the most attractive physique possible and very rare. I also think she's been lonely and wanting/needing someone else to feel part of, hence wanting "a relationship", i.e. the security of a monogamous commitment, which I couldn't realistically offer after a few dates and returning to different countries.
A couple of things on the holiday struck me as weird or maybe shit testing, but I didn't pay much attention out of inexperience. Yeah, I did say to her at the end of the holiday that we should let each other go, or whatever words I used ... but on returning I felt I really wanted to get to know this woman better and see if there was any future in it. She was clearly into me, and was messaging me a lot, a lot of compliments and stuff. But when I tried to set up a skype/facetime chat with her she didn't show for it. Which I thought was weird. So I asked her to arrange another time, which she didn't. And once or twice more, I asked if I could call her, and she said not right now, or I arranged for her to call me but then she didn't. So that whole 3 months our only contact was messaging, photos, snapchat, etc.
So then with the trip we arranged, at first she was really keen, she told me all the sex she wanted to have, in detail. Sent me explicit photos. Very sexual with me. When I bought her plane ticket and sent her the details though, she freaked a little bit and asked me to cancel it. I couldn't exactly work out why, but it seemed like it was either due to anxiety about financial costs, or gym/diet routine as she has a bodybuilding show she is prepping for. But when we talked it through she calmed down and then she was like, yeah, all good, we can make this work, it's gonna be great, looking forward to it, etc., etc.
So then when she messaged me that she met someone and it's "freaking awesome" how they "totally hit it off", it actually really hurt my feelings. Because I was really looking forward to a romantic and sexual holiday with this woman, and getting to know each other better, and see if maybe there was any possibility of us having more than that. I was really excited about it. And extremely turned on.
So at first I kept my cool, and I was like, "Well, great, so are you still coming?" And she was like, "Well I want to but it be cheatin now if we have sex," etc. And I backed off talking for a bit and she said, "So it seems like you only wanted me for sex since you're not talking to me now. This whole holiday felt just like I'm a fuck buddy to you, and I deserve more than that." At which point I added confusion and defensiveness to my hurt. And I started to wobble and crumble! That was when I went a bit teenage girl and was all like, no, no I really liked you, and she was like, well you had all this time to tell me and now I'm taken so it's too late... and it went a bit teenage drama I'm sorry to say.
Talking it over, she said she felt confused when I went on dates with other women and it hurt her. I pointed out that she had a gf and had sent me pictures of them kissing and having sex, and had also talked about going on dates with guys. She said she lied about going on dates so she would seem even with me because she didn't wanna make me feel bad. But at the same time she distanced herself from me, thinking that she didn't want to be hung up on someone she could never have. That's the narrative, but I don't know how much of it is true. I'm pretty out of my depth here.
She asked me to please stay in her life and be her friend as I am a huge part of her getting a spark back in her soul. She said, she told her bf all about me and that she is not letting me out of her life. (It's a little bit ... I dunno, teenage?) So I tried to regain my control and accept the 'friends' thing, because she is pretty special, but after writing a too-long note to her last week, she replied saying hey I'll get back to you as soon as I get the chance, and evidently she's busy as she has this show coming up, and tbh it is no small thing prepping for a national bodybuilding contest. But I woulda liked to be there with her supporting her as lover or bf. But I feel I got replaced. And I said I could still go if she wants, and she said that be great, but she didn't actually send me details or a proper invite.
So basically, this thing started out with me in a very confident and strong position, and generating a lot of mutual attraction for a woman who is excessively physically beautiful and absolutely my 'type'. Interest was sustained in spite of distance for about 2-3 months, during which time I failed to see that I was in a window of opportunity that I could further capitalize on. Then by the time we had the logistics, she had already moved on to someone else, unless it was just a way of blowing me off. I very suddenly got demoted from lover to friend, pen-pal and now, basically nothing I think.
Feeling shit about the change in circumstances, being ditched after buying a holiday, and feeling jealous of the new guy, I started searching online, and I found the 'manosphere'. I can already see plenty that I did wrong to end up in this position. (Gotta love hindsight.) But I'd really like a way to regain some desire/status/credibility with this woman, and at least be a potential future lover, even if she is going to see this bf guy for a few months until that probably falls apart (based on the limited amount I know).
I talked to my life coach / therapist and her view is that the woman has narcissistic tendencies, knew exactly what to say to keep me interested, and despite her words her actions don't show any value or respect for me. So in other words, I may have overlooked some serious deficits due to the strength of physical attraction. That may be, but the question still stands. Personally I feel like even if she is a handful of issues, shit-tests and anything else, that I would like to be able to raise my game to the point of keeping such a woman interested in me as a sexual prospect and desirable as a partner.
Well, that's about it. I'd really value advice from this point on. To the point where I'm willing to pay for coaching or whatever. Many thanks.
". But I have no clue whether that would work or not. It is more like a parting text. Gives you the feeling like "I made my intentions clear to her" and tells her you move on because you are not getting what you want from her.