Normal

[Leavenoblackplume]

I have never been of the convetional kind, nor I intend to. I somewhat despise the ordinary. But girls are saying that I'm strange, I've been thinking this is a congruence issue, that I try to come off as friendly and warm when their first impression of me is of someone distant. I'm a tall guy and my looks differentiate me (can be quite a strong difference) from my peers, I suppose am intimidating to some woman, do I need to keep some physical distance from them?
Also I hope this thing of not being "normal" to be temporal, If I'm doing somewhat wrong I don't want it to cripple me forever, how can I train my adaptability? I don't want to be like everyone else, but I got a problem if this will private me from success. I want girls to feel comfortable around me, would appreciate any advice.

Good evening.

 

[Drck]

There is nothing wrong with not being normal. You don't want to be normal in this society...

The thing is, you don't want to appear strange either, awkward, suspicious or anything in that sense.... Do you have some friends, some people you can trust? If so, keep them around, go out with them, spent time with them. Girls want to see that you have friends, which basically means you can relate to other human beings...

If you don't have any friends, make some friends. Read e.g. book from Dale Carnegie, "How to win friends and influence people". You don't have to take it word by word but it gives you a good overview about how to be friendly... Join some club, or do some sport (basketball?) where you are in contact with people... Or at least get a job where you have to deal with lots of people.... Having friends will give you good vibes as well as confidence...

At the same time, don't be too needy for friends. It is very similar like with girls, you can't chase friends around, you can't be trying too hard because that mighr be perceived as repulsive...

There are lots of tall, cool guys around, IMO being tall is not against you. As a matter of fact, being tall may give you quite advantage...

I was going to say try to fit into some group of people, but forget it. It is very difficult, the older you get the more difficult it is...

...work on cool, laid back attitude instead, make some friends if you can, even having couple of professional acquaintances is good, do some outdoor activities/sports with people (vs sitting home alone) and you'll be fine...

 

[Bboy100]

There are two types of "not normal"

1. The quirky endearing type of "not normal". There are a lot of different ways this can manifest itself. But you'll know that this is you if people call you weird but still like you and want to hang out with you. I fall perfectly into this category.
2. The weird or creepy type of "not normal". This will manifest itself when people respond negatively to you and if you have trouble making friends.

If you're the second type, it's probably a matter of social calibration. Once you fix it, you'll probably switch to the first category. You can keep a lot of the qualities which make you "different" but presents them in a way which is not creepy or unlikable. And once you are in the first category, that's actually fine. In fact, it's probably a good thing. Also, you say your "looks differentiate you". Besides your height, is there anything else people notice about you that's abnormal (height is not a reason people would think your weird). Because that could also be the culprit.

 

[Leavenoblackplume]

It was my suspicion that it's only calibration. I'm a cerebral person and have some trouble with social conventions. I've been studying about my type of personality according to MBTI and makes a lot of sense to be having this problems (I am an INTP).

I'm a bit of an excentric, lately I check that the things that I do or the way I dress and present myself aren't that strange.
I'm tall for the place I live in (Mexico) and my skin is pale, accentuated by the usually dark color of my clothes and my long hair. I know this differences aren't that of a problem, although the responses I get are a bit polarized.

I do have friends, by the way.

There are two types of "not normal"

1. The quirky endearing type of "not normal". There are a lot of different ways this can manifest itself. But you'll know that this is you if people call you weird but still like you and want to hang out with you. I fall perfectly into this category.
2. The weird or creepy type of "not normal". This will manifest itself when people respond negatively to you and if you have trouble making friends.

I get both of those, sometimes get the second with strangers, the thing is I find it difficult to practice calibration, I don't get social cues by intuition.

Thanks for the reply, guys, I was starting to contemplate Asperger's or some other disorder. Maybe that kind of advice can help me anyway.

I'd love to hear if you have any strategy to someone so oblivious to social norms.
Coincidentally, last article by Hector may be just what I needed.

Have a good evening.

 

[Bboy100]

This article that just came out on the main site will answer your questions: https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-b ... inning-way

 

[Leavenoblackplume]

Thanks for the words.

I've been going out more frequently, is not that easy to find cool people in my city though. I'll always try to learn from the ones that I find, of course.
Maybe I'll try to hang out with guys I know that get a lot of girls.

There is no quick fix, not for anything that is worth getting. My problem is that it isn't intuitive for me, the things I learn I need to put them in some sort of system before I can use them, and the mistakes I make are so uncalibrated, quite more than I expected; I'ts all because I've been putting myself out there, out of my comfort zone and my usual ways of acting around people. I'ts an experiment for me, trial and error. Some time ago I would not even try.

But I find the interaction with people energy depleting. Even when I smile I must think "smile" before, and I'ts the same with every action I take. Now I'm better at not thinking so much, before I needed entire days of wasting my time and reading and resting after a party.

Anyway, If someone with a similar background has advice I will appreciate it enormously.

You know? these months that I tried to get girls had felt more difficult than when I just was sitting there and brushed off the girls that wanted me, as if the intention scared them. Kind of funny.

 

[ray_zorse]

This sounds to me completely normal, you had a more or less working toolbox of social responses that came to you through habit without much effort and they enabled you to get through life without being labelled weird. Think about this, you go into a class of preschoolers and ask "put your hand up if you can sing", all hands go up. Do the same in a class of grade 5's, one or two hands go up. What happened in the meantime? Somebody taught the kid they cannot sing and thus cut out some part of his or her social responses through fear of shame or embarrassment. What's happened to you is you've been socialized through the same process, and now you are starting to break out of the mould and say WTF I am going to express myself regardless, you are getting labelled weird, par for the course I say, you just push through this until you learn the calibration that is appropriate to your BEST self, not your shy and humbled socialized self that you're now discarding.
Ray