Really bad approach anxiety

[jackoftades819]

I know I'm talking about a really common topic but I haven't found the articles regarding it that helpful. I really want to have sex and I'm constantly looking for girls to hook up with but I can never bring myself to talk to them. I always beat myself up after and get really depressed when I get back to my dorm but I just can't do it. I don't know how to get a girl's attention aside from dressing well and i have no clue how to keep her interest after. I've read the articles on here a million times but I'm just unable to apply any of it. I know a large part of this is my self-esteem but if be waiting forever if I improved that before getting laid. I haven't recognized any signs of interest and I know I can't deal with the very likely rejections. Does anyone have advice for this?

 

[foggy]

You're going to have to deal with rejection if you want to get better with women. In fact, you're going to have to deal with rejection in general if you want any sort of success at all in life. Don't say you can't deal with the rejections. That's called a limiting belief, and it's part of the reason why you're stuck. You can deal with them! They're no big deal.

Your goals are way way way too high for your current skill level. You're going up to girls and expecting sex, when you can't even get a girl to talk to you. Your current goal should be to have just a conversation with a women. Thats it! Don't worry about sex right now. Go into your interactions not expecting anything from it at all but a conversation.

You can apply the techniques you've learned on here, it just takes time. Right now you should be focussing on developing your fundamentals. You don't need to talk to women to develop these.

You also sound desperate and needy, which is a big turn off to women. Women are great at sensing these things. I'd recommend working on your outcome independence. There's some articles on that, if you haven't read it already.

 

[Parkour]

It takes new mindsets and you need to frame in why you're doing what you're doing
When you're anxious, you often can't access higher level thinking so it can be hard to break away from certain self defeating thought patterns. Here is one that might get you started:
1.) there are wins, and there are lessons. Sometimes lessons come with wins and sometimes they don't. There aren't failures, just lessons of different types and sizes

focus on your intentions. If you decide you are just going to be nice to people, pretty girls included, and make small talk with strangers, then it's pretty hard to see it not going well as being your fault. Aligning your intentions with the steps you need to practice in a way that doesn't really put your ego on the line is a way to decouple the issues. Talking/socializing with girls and the possible romantic rejection. If you're just talking and socializing with attractive girls, you can build up social proof, calibration, and experience socializing and layer in flirting later and getting her number later

 

[JRob]

I've been there. Heck, I'm still there, but the best advice is to work on becoming a conversationalist. Cold approach is hard enough without some skill and confidence. Some would advise trial by fire (get rejected, note the worst that could happen, and compare that to letting these beautiful women walk out of your life forever unapproached). Everyone is different and the path to self-improvement is different. If you have to hype yourself up with music, that's okay. Do what works for you. Consider that there are guys that shouldn't be competition that are getting girls just because they opened their mouth. And remember it's a numbers game, but you can't win if you don't play.
-J

 

[JRob]

Also, if you prefer social context consider joining a club or something. But if you're on my campus leave the grad students for me, lol.

 

[Bboy100]

I always beat myself up after and get really depressed when I get back to my dorm but I just can't do it.

Stop that. One of the very first steps to raising self-esteem is to practice self-love and being kind to yourself. Every time you catch yourself in this negative thought pattern, literally start thinking the opposite. So it might look like this:

Your thoughts:
"wow, I failed to talk to a girl again. I'm such a fucking pussy. Whatever, I don't deserve women in my life anyway"

[You catch yourself in this thought loop}

"Actually nah, its cool that I didn't talk to her. Sure, its a missed opportunity, but I'll get her next time! Besides, that doesn't change the fact that I'm an otherwise awesome guy"

At the start, you'll have to do this a LOT. As you do it more and more, positive thought patterns will start to become automatic and habitual. You'll also notice in increase in self-worth and overall happiness. And no, you don't have to believe yourself (although, if you do this consistently, you eventually will!). As long as you take the action of thinking these thoughts, they're still having a positive effect
This positive change in thought patterns and in self-esteem will in turn, affect your actions.

P.S.
This is not me just making shit up. This is what they teach in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is the most effective way of dealing with these types of issues.

I don't know how to get a girl's attention aside from dressing well and i have no clue how to keep her interest after.

Don't worry about keeping her interest yet. Right now, all you have to do is come up and say hi! Once you do that, you've done your job. You can pat yourself on the back.