Recurring Issue: Rough Sex. Any thoughts?

[AspiringStoic]

Hi guys,

Yesterday I spoke to a girl I broke up with in 2021. The break up was amicable and so we have always been on good terms. While talking she said something interesting.

She said that in the beginning when we started dating, she felt so good because I viewed her as a "sexual object/thing" and she loved the rough sex we used to have. She felt really good because she saw how aroused I could get by her body.

But as the relationship went on I stopped seeing her as a sexual object. I would kiss and caress her but no do all the rough stuff I did before. She then felt somehow less sexy and a bit sexually rejected.

She wanted all the emotional connection bits she got from the relationship but "she did not want to lose that bit of me just sometimes viewing and treating her like just a sexual plaything in bed."

This is actually the second or third girl who has said something like this to me. It got me thinking.

And it is true. Since I was young I always had a soft spot for rough/BDSM related things. I remember even as a kid getting all excited when I saw a sexy woman being tied up in a movie or on Tv etc.

I always had this soft spot for domination. I initially thought something was horribly wrong with me and felt ashamed for having these thoughts for a long time.

Then the Internet came around and I realized there were others like me too. But I still believed that women would hate it, but when I started dating in my 20s I was surprised that most, if not all women loved being dominated in some form or the other.

But here is the problem, somehow that natural desire to dominate and be rough with a woman arises inside me whenever I am with a new woman. But if the relationship becomes more serious and I develop a deeper emotional bond with a woman, that desire in me evaporates.

Its not that I feel that its wrong or that I have a madonna/whore complex, its just that the more she becomes a "person", the less she is a sexual object and I lose that desire.

And it seems like women don't want that to be lost. They want the tenderness and the roughness and it seems like I am able to offer either one or the other.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can overcome this? Or have any of you have the same issues?

 

[topcat]

Hi guys,

Yesterday I spoke to a girl I broke up with in 2021. The break up was amicable and so we have always been on good terms. While talking she said something interesting.

She said that in the beginning when we started dating, she felt so good because I viewed her as a "sexual object/thing" and she loved the rough sex we used to have. She felt really good because she saw how aroused I could get by her body.

But as the relationship went on I stopped seeing her as a sexual object. I would kiss and caress her but no do all the rough stuff I did before. She then felt somehow less sexy and a bit sexually rejected.

She wanted all the emotional connection bits she got from the relationship but "she did not want to lose that bit of me just sometimes viewing and treating her like just a sexual plaything in bed."

This is actually the second or third girl who has said something like this to me. It got me thinking.

And it is true. Since I was young I always had a soft spot for rough/BDSM related things. I remember even as a kid getting all excited when I saw a sexy woman being tied up in a movie or on Tv etc.

I always had this soft spot for domination. I initially thought something was horribly wrong with me and felt ashamed for having these thoughts for a long time.

Then the Internet came around and I realized there were others like me too. But I still believed that women would hate it, but when I started dating in my 20s I was surprised that most, if not all women loved being dominated in some form or the other.

But here is the problem, somehow that natural desire to dominate and be rough with a woman arises inside me whenever I am with a new woman. But if the relationship becomes more serious and I develop a deeper emotional bond with a woman, that desire in me evaporates.

Its not that I feel that its wrong or that I have a madonna/whore complex, its just that the more she becomes a "person", the less she is a sexual object and I lose that desire.

And it seems like women don't want that to be lost. They want the tenderness and the roughness and it seems like I am able to offer either one or the other.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can overcome this? Or have any of you have the same issues?

lol I know the feeling. What usually helps is having other chicks in rotation. This helps preserve her “novelty factor” as I have other girls to contrast her with.

 

[AspiringStoic]

Huh?
So you guys also experience it? And having variety is the only cure?

Its a bit of a relief to know. I thought there was something wrong with me. And of course when I looked up some mainstream stuff, they always make it sound like if you cannot just fuck one girl and be happy, its something pathological.

I have seen so many places where married men are saying "I have been married 20 years and sex with my wife is better now than it has ever been." And I am like whaaat???

How is that even possible or is there something really badly wrong with me.

 

[JollyRoger]

I know exactly what you mean and I don't think the only cure is a rotation.

In my experience I have to logically remind myself that it's the best thing to do and behave like I did at first. Then make sure to notice how much she's enjoying it.

Seeing how much your partner enjoys it helps you get back into it.

 

[Lover]

Hi guys,

Yesterday I spoke to a girl I broke up with in 2021. The break up was amicable and so we have always been on good terms. While talking she said something interesting.

She said that in the beginning when we started dating, she felt so good because I viewed her as a "sexual object/thing" and she loved the rough sex we used to have. She felt really good because she saw how aroused I could get by her body.

But as the relationship went on I stopped seeing her as a sexual object. I would kiss and caress her but no do all the rough stuff I did before. She then felt somehow less sexy and a bit sexually rejected.

She wanted all the emotional connection bits she got from the relationship but "she did not want to lose that bit of me just sometimes viewing and treating her like just a sexual plaything in bed."

This is actually the second or third girl who has said something like this to me. It got me thinking.

And it is true. Since I was young I always had a soft spot for rough/BDSM related things. I remember even as a kid getting all excited when I saw a sexy woman being tied up in a movie or on Tv etc.

I always had this soft spot for domination. I initially thought something was horribly wrong with me and felt ashamed for having these thoughts for a long time.

Then the Internet came around and I realized there were others like me too. But I still believed that women would hate it, but when I started dating in my 20s I was surprised that most, if not all women loved being dominated in some form or the other.

But here is the problem, somehow that natural desire to dominate and be rough with a woman arises inside me whenever I am with a new woman. But if the relationship becomes more serious and I develop a deeper emotional bond with a woman, that desire in me evaporates.

Its not that I feel that its wrong or that I have a madonna/whore complex, its just that the more she becomes a "person", the less she is a sexual object and I lose that desire.

And it seems like women don't want that to be lost. They want the tenderness and the roughness and it seems like I am able to offer either one or the other.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can overcome this? Or have any of you have the same issues?

Seems like a tricky situation. I can partially relate as I used to fuck girls as rough as I could the first couple times I slept with them, just because I wanted to be different than other guys. But eventually this burned me out lol and I had to change things up

If you can overcome your desire to fuck them rough/as objects when you first sleep with them, then be less rough the first couple of times. Not telling you to be completely vanilla, but turn it down a notch or two. It may require a conscious effort to do this differently with the next couple of girls

Once you get more emotionally intimate with them and feel like "this is the moment where I would usually get more vanilla and lovey-dovey with the sex", then turn up the roughness and dominance instead. And yeah, conscious effort will also be needed the first couple of times in this regard

The ideas by doing things this way:

- You start associating emotional intimacy with rough sex on an unconscious level

- You show more of your sexual "arsenal" as time goes on. This way, women will feel the sex and the relationship are developing. But they will also question "what else could he be hiding that I haven't seen/felt yet...???" And women love nothing more than a mystery they can't solve because it keeps them wondering

Hope this helps!

 

[Will_V]

Hi guys,

Yesterday I spoke to a girl I broke up with in 2021. The break up was amicable and so we have always been on good terms. While talking she said something interesting.

She said that in the beginning when we started dating, she felt so good because I viewed her as a "sexual object/thing" and she loved the rough sex we used to have. She felt really good because she saw how aroused I could get by her body.

But as the relationship went on I stopped seeing her as a sexual object. I would kiss and caress her but no do all the rough stuff I did before. She then felt somehow less sexy and a bit sexually rejected.

She wanted all the emotional connection bits she got from the relationship but "she did not want to lose that bit of me just sometimes viewing and treating her like just a sexual plaything in bed."

This is actually the second or third girl who has said something like this to me. It got me thinking.

And it is true. Since I was young I always had a soft spot for rough/BDSM related things. I remember even as a kid getting all excited when I saw a sexy woman being tied up in a movie or on Tv etc.

I always had this soft spot for domination. I initially thought something was horribly wrong with me and felt ashamed for having these thoughts for a long time.

Then the Internet came around and I realized there were others like me too. But I still believed that women would hate it, but when I started dating in my 20s I was surprised that most, if not all women loved being dominated in some form or the other.

But here is the problem, somehow that natural desire to dominate and be rough with a woman arises inside me whenever I am with a new woman. But if the relationship becomes more serious and I develop a deeper emotional bond with a woman, that desire in me evaporates.

Its not that I feel that its wrong or that I have a madonna/whore complex, its just that the more she becomes a "person", the less she is a sexual object and I lose that desire.

And it seems like women don't want that to be lost. They want the tenderness and the roughness and it seems like I am able to offer either one or the other.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can overcome this? Or have any of you have the same issues?

Variety of girls helps, there are some other things too.

Don't spend too much nonsexual time with her - living together, especially if you're working from home, is the worst thing for your sex life.

Don't allow her to do anything around you that annoys you or wears you out - when you put up with any bs the first thing to go will be your sexual edge.

When you are together, be dominant in everything you do. If she's talking about something boring/annoying, cut her off. Tell her to do things for you. Ignore her completely for periods of time. Grab her and express yourself sexually whenever you feel the urge. You want to feel like a king in your own castle, uninhibited by mundane routines or obligations of behaviour. If she creates a little bit of drama about anything, use it to build sexual energy between you.

Do other things in your life that scare and challenge you, that bring out your drive and aggression, and at the end of the day release the energy into her pussy, she will love you for it.

A man's sex drive is not really a function of the woman, but a function of how he experiences his own life and reality. Being with a new woman shifts his experience of reality into something new and exciting and powerful and full of potential, but then it slides back into mundanity, and his libido goes back into hibernation, sometimes (in the case of bad marriages) for good. You want to keep it near the surface, and disengage it from being just about her, and use it in other things you do in life - that way all your self expression will remain readily available to you, and she will enjoy the by-product of sexual energy and intent.

 

[AspiringStoic]

@topcat @Lover @Will_V

Thanks a lot for all your advice. I see did not do any of these things in the past. Sometimes I did have other girls I was seeing. But other times it was just her.

And yes I did end spending lots and lots of non sexual time together and the more I did that, the more the sexual attraction dwindled for sure. I was not in abundance back then and would not have the self control to limit time spent with the girl.

But now going forward becoming proficient with cold approach will hopefully give me all the abundance to then practise these principles.

 

[KJ Francis]

I know this is old, but I have experienced this too. It is "cherishing". My theory is the brain has not evolved to really know what a condom is. So after seeing her for a while, you brain sort of assumes she is impregnated, and you now shift a little to protection mode of your child inside her womb.

Meanwhile, her body has not shifted to experience the hormone changes and such of pregnancy to put her in her motherly mode. So she is still in her "prowling the jungle" type of mindset - the lioness being hunted by the lion or whatever.

So the rotation like topcat mentioned is spreading your own investment in your impregnated seed among a few women, which also reduces the focused cherishing of one woman. If you get oneitis with one of your partners who's a lot preferable to the others, you again will focus the investment in your most valuable imaginary unborn child. If there were no condoms in the situation, this completely unsubstantiated theory might actually work to the benefit of your genes.

 

[Brassfaced_Jim]

A very good post well done.

I was reminded of this yesterday.
During and after me fucking the absolute shit out of a FWB/FB chick I’m seeing (in a rotation of 2-3 others).

it was one of the most aggressive , primal , masculine and dominant fucks I’ve ever had tbh. I was doing lots of ‘teen’ role play
(She’s a cougar, which made it also funny)

Calling her names like teen slut, bitch, and “Aussie teen surfer slut “..and also calling her baby (“yeah baby, that’s it, good teen slut etc etc )

we did a bit of Daddy-daughter role play at the start I recall but then I switched it up to Teen Slut.

anyways, it ended up with her in the doggy on end of the bed, me behind a pumping and slamming her pussy hard AF, her spreading her ass Cheeks wide open to expose more pussy for slamming (I always forget to do this and chicks ALL do it / Love it)
Me putting my right leg over her ass onto the bed , so one leg up and pounding super hard and deep.
then finale her in doggy on bed , face down ass up, and me having the biggest super hard cum whilst shouting “AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHFFUCCCKKKKKINGGGGRRRRRR!!” (Or some such ) as I blew my mega-load deep into her,

she half laugh and chimed in with “Fuckfuckfuck ohhhh wow that was HOTTT!!”

I lol’d just after and started shouting lines from the movie 300 “ I am king Leondias ! THIS IS SPARTTTAAA!”

this is all 100% truth . I went to the bathroom after and took pics on the mirror of myself as I was covered in sweat and all muscled looked pumped and full. It was like a gym super workout,



this is the kind of sec most women want tbh.
They wanna be dominated .

I think in my head at some point I recall having a role play or fantasy I as a burglar / rapist in a ski mask. Haha. This is what was driving me into a deeper state of dominance at the time,

I usually need to be in the right head state to fuck this way.



I did every porn star trick with my dick I could remember -popping it in and out etc also during the sex,

and it was sex without a condom which helps with that primal and extra hot thing. As it’s raw sex which is WAYYY better for the chick.

 

[Brassfaced_Jim]

Tbh
This is is the kind of energy women want in the bedroom .. this along Leonidis type shit ( Gerard Butler is awesome in this)
but with the caveat that it must BUILD-UP to this energy for the finale and hopefully ( for her ) a massive shaking orgasm.

the kick into the black hole would be the orgasm as such.

watch Ali Wongs stand up specials “Single Lady “ and “ Cobra”.
I watched this recently as she is both funny AF and gives the total lowdown on women and sex. In Cobra she describes the exact game plan for a man to fuck a woman very well this way. She says something like

“ Imma want a guy to start out real sexy , slow and seductive .. but by the end , Imma want him to get real RAPE-Y”
“ and be shouting racist shit in my ear n shit”

this is truth IME. And it’s coming from the horses mouth also so it’s 100.

this above equals “ wild sex” for a woman. As they can be dominated be 100% submissive lose control and have the big big orgasm they want.

 

[Skills]

There is not cure it will happen even if you have other women... It is normal... only thing that help temporarily is swingclub, watching porn together, long break from seeing each other... welcome to Coolidge effect..

 

[Brassfaced_Jim]

There is not cure it will happen even if you have other women... It is normal... only thing that help temporarily is swingclub, watching porn together, long break from seeing each other... welcome to Coolidge effect..

Truth.

the “sexpert” Esther Perel does a good TEDX talk on this. “How to keep desire Alive in LTRs” I think was the title. I made copious notes it was great stuff.

she said “desire lives in mystery” basically was the meta- point takeaway of the 1 hour talk.

living together kills the “space” and the unknowns between partners and then familiarity breeds laziness and boredom etc

desire is at its highest she says when there is a lot of mystery and unknowns.

as people build up fantasies in their heads to fill in the blanks about each other. And the resulting Sex then is the hottest because of this.

 

[DonGately]

As someone who identifies both publicly and privately to women about my Dominant side, and am upfront about my desire for BDSM with them, I will always give them the rough sex/PSE . It's just how I am wired the past several years. It took me many years to realize that's who I truly was and women would want that from me [or they'd go elsewhere].

I've never had a single girl I've bedded tell me not to be that way with them, 100% acceptance of frame and approval ratings. Life's too short for vanilla sex, had ex-gfs of mine text me and say thinking of me during vanilla sex with their husband is the only thing that got them hot.

I've dealt with the exact problems named by OP in my youth.

Obvs, not every woman will be down for every single thing, some girls are really into slapping/choking and others are not. Overall, women are much kinkier and curious than guys are. 95% of women I've shown a violet wand or hogtie to are like 'Let's try it out' or "I am so wet right now!"

Once you've set the standard for the kind of rough sex you provide in the bedroom with her, you can start to explore her/your limits with kink and submission: How submissive will she get? How hard should the impact play be? Will she start doing anal for you? Can you take photos?
What about verbal degradation and humiliation? Does she want to be your sex slave? Make her tell you her dirtiest fantasies. Is she into group sex or public sex? Consensual non-consent?

Doesn't mean you can't cuddle afterwards.

 

[HoofHearted]

Assuming I'm identifying the problem correctly, there is a solution to this.

The natural sexual dichotomy between men and women is dominance and submission. There is no real reason to talk about BDSM, that's all just extra or the teaching tool to this truth.

If you are feeling such a lack as you've described, this is what I suspect: you are bored.

The dynamic has reached a threshold where the woman is submitting completely and easily. This is giving your dominant nature nothing to do, really.

So the solution is to go for the next rung of women. Go for women that won't submit as easily. This means a) a new woman, since submission is a process and you're starting over and b) probably a more desireable woman that is NOT as inclined to submit to you.

Interacting with such women will change you and inspire you to upgrade yourself to answer their challenge. Then these new women will submit and you'll get bored again. Rinse and repeat. Because underneath it all is really just the classic problem of same ol' pussy.

My 2 cents

 

[DonGately]

Dom/sub has nothing to do per se with bondage or sadism. They are different things, you conflating them is an error.

There may be overlap in the Venn diagram, there may not. Plenty of vanilla women are submissive in the bedroom but don't want to be tied up.

 

[HoofHearted]

Dom/sub has nothing to do per se with bondage or sadism. They are different things, you conflating them is an error.

There may be overlap in the Venn diagram, there may not. Plenty of vanilla women are submissive in the bedroom but don't want to be tied up.

I can't really tell whom this reply is for. But it's funny to me.

It took me a long time and lots of experience with kink culture to understand that kink culture is dumb and has its own level of political correctness and is just plain silly.

My contention to all those involved in kink who repeat such often repeated tropes is that we ought to take a look at them. If you do not see the relationship between bondage and dominance, then I believe one's understanding of these concepts is lacking.

Even hotter take, if you are in 'kink culture,' get out. That's a diffetent rant, though.

But this is not a kink forum, and I wouldn't be here if it was. So thanks for everyone's patience with sidetrack.

 

[Hue]

Hi guys,

Yesterday I spoke to a girl I broke up with in 2021. The break up was amicable and so we have always been on good terms. While talking she said something interesting.

She said that in the beginning when we started dating, she felt so good because I viewed her as a "sexual object/thing" and she loved the rough sex we used to have. She felt really good because she saw how aroused I could get by her body.

But as the relationship went on I stopped seeing her as a sexual object. I would kiss and caress her but no do all the rough stuff I did before. She then felt somehow less sexy and a bit sexually rejected.

She wanted all the emotional connection bits she got from the relationship but "she did not want to lose that bit of me just sometimes viewing and treating her like just a sexual plaything in bed."

This is actually the second or third girl who has said something like this to me. It got me thinking.

And it is true. Since I was young I always had a soft spot for rough/BDSM related things. I remember even as a kid getting all excited when I saw a sexy woman being tied up in a movie or on Tv etc.

I always had this soft spot for domination. I initially thought something was horribly wrong with me and felt ashamed for having these thoughts for a long time.

Then the Internet came around and I realized there were others like me too. But I still believed that women would hate it, but when I started dating in my 20s I was surprised that most, if not all women loved being dominated in some form or the other.

But here is the problem, somehow that natural desire to dominate and be rough with a woman arises inside me whenever I am with a new woman. But if the relationship becomes more serious and I develop a deeper emotional bond with a woman, that desire in me evaporates.

Its not that I feel that its wrong or that I have a madonna/whore complex, its just that the more she becomes a "person", the less she is a sexual object and I lose that desire.

And it seems like women don't want that to be lost. They want the tenderness and the roughness and it seems like I am able to offer either one or the other.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can overcome this? Or have any of you have the same issues?

This is really common in VLTR's (very long term relationships) like cohabitation and/or marriage.

The language of connection and intimacy changes and evolves in a way that other forms of it can devolve.

How much do you touch her outside of sex? Have you considered creating withdrawal to her for your own good? A lot of sex therapists will recommend you literally remove the amount of physical intimacy outside the bedroom so that once engaged with each other in sex, it unleashes all the emotions of wanting to feel and enjoy her body.

Overall, if it's a main partner it's best to keep variety in bed. Like sometimes, rail her fucking brains out, use full bondage or use physical bondage (like locking in her body parts or restraining her with your body), and then other times, if you two have that level of intimacy just like, "make love" to her. Make a clear distinction between making love and having sex, since there is one.


Also if a girl likes it vanilla (which is a thing), it's your responsibility to crack her open a bit more. It's annoying as fuck sometimes, making a project out of girl, but if you can "freak her" you can get her coming to you with the more kinky shit. Sometimes coming in full thunder with your kinky / freaky shit and dominating the shit out of them is too much stimulation early on in a relationship.