- Joined
- Nov 12, 2024
- Messages
- 32
Apologies if this is not a question and you want to move it but i thought i would post in a general board vs my journal. This will be different. First, I love all you guys. I don't know any of you but none of you did me any wrong. I don't know if you are my people IRL but here let's just assume you're my people.
Yours truly has a long journal thread elsewhere about how he's fucked. No it's not that i necessarily believed that but I spent years trying so many things, more than anyone etc. It was never about attractiveness. Chase mentioned autism and aspergers and it got me down a rabbit hole. i'm that in spades, so props to him.
Now i have had real results and quite sudden momentum of transformation, and let me get to the results side first. Not a lay report. That doesn't even matter. I'm no virgin. So, what i want is to meet women organically while doing my thing, and hit it off and get deep with them and eventually you know lay them or create a relationship with them or whatever, but i don't want to go out of my way to meet them. I would like to go to clubs and start dancing with them. That's on my list and i see it possible very soon.
Btw this could be one of the most powerful posts you ever read. Or maybe not.
But i wanted to meet them organically and i have. Dancing and coffee shops mostly, while i'm doing my thing. I always sensed that this was possible, if as a man you could just show up.
The main result, the closest to getting anywhere- i was at a coffee shop and doing my thing and i ended up sitting next to this sophomore who was on the phone for an hour, and then afterward we ended up talking for better part of an hour. She was into me and i let her into my mind. i did not pull away. That's something I have always kinda done before- you can see below- call it one of the bricks in the wall. Btw i shared my views on a lot of things- education. I told her my philosophy of that was like pink floyd's. she didn't even know who that was. She was digging me, and it was not far from sex but i fucked up. how? I didn't get her fucking number. We decided to exchange numbers and idiot autistic me remembered my cousin- who is good with girls, said go for snap. Even though she already agreed. it was like a script or a spring in my brain shot out and just did snap and i only gave her mine she didn't give me hers. i know she was interested, but you know inertia. ah what the hell there will be more. that was crazy. Mistakes are for morons and i made one big one but regrets are for pussies, so fuck that shit, fuck that regret loop. BTW the spring mind theory is real. we have thoughts that just spring out- at least i do. The only way i found to solve these is to try pre-train your brain. i'm a big believer in pre-training- deep work, inner work. that's what i do in the coffee shops outside of work these days. literally explore my traumas.
Also i have had good experiences with some people at dance. i have figured out how to tease. i fucking thought teasing meant banter and meant 50:50. really you want to be ruthless and put them under you in a playful way. you want to "win" no holds barred. The community didn't stress this enough to me back in the day- at least as i recall. back in 2003 i was overwhelmed. there was no way my young mind could filter out what i needed. I had no foundation for anything. I was teasing this hot dance girl. she's going for it. there's still tension. I have to keep up the momentum. I'm nervous and that's life so i'm working through my memories that make me nervous.
I was also at a west coast swing competition just to spectate. they had an all night dance. it was awesome. 11pm-morning and i stayed till 5AM. danced with a lot of girls. i've been working on touching with certainty and leading. micro leading to not get into loops in my head where i think all results must be big. the results happen via the small. people get loops in their head. There were some hot dancers that danced hot with me. I can think of many good ones but 3 noteworthy ones. this hot russian was crazy hot. She danced so hot for me but then she wouldn't dance again. She backed away. it was weird. wtf. Maybe I didn't escalate? BTW I had it in mind if possible to pull but that didn't happen. One girl i danced with I ended up trying to give my sexual energy to. that's all i can describe it as and I was doing that from the beginning because she was so sexy but then about half way through something bumped it up a notch and women being so sensitive, they could feel it. I was like so intensely trying to radiate sexual desire to fuck her. that's what they want actually, and she was loving it. Then there was this girl i actually grabbed her back with confidence and we started dancing tummy to tummy. I pussed out after a while cause my mind pulled back. I"m working on that but that was hot. that's what i want to be doing with girls in the nightclub. Then there were other girls, a cute new zealander etc.
I'd say these are a good handful of results compared to where i was coming from not that long ago- literally all in last 7-10 days plus some other good interactions.
Now the rage... and why it's taken a quarter century to break free. It literally has taken about that long, since turning 18. Call me Odysseus. Call me Achilles too. Things are clicking and i'm doing for the harvest. We shall see.
Fucking neurotypical society. My whole life i've been tall, intelligent, good natured and conventionally attractive- and never a chump thinking inside the box either- intrepid and questioning. I haven't been a pussy but i've gotten sparse results. I found out there are several giant factors that hindered me, any one which is pretty big for a person. In no order and these are just some of them:
-i was autistic in a neurotypical world. That's a big one because it resulted in a lot of misunderstandings and (self)misidentifications of things. That permeates everything.
- Lack of parental support. My mother was cold and shriveled and i think my dad might be closet gay the way he never lusts after women or talks about him but randomly spouts how God doesn't like gays. he's a very gentle guy too, very passive and weak, a follower, completely unlike my late grandpa. Crazy. But no it's not that. nobody has perfect parents. this is just one factor, but they didn't give me anything- any discussion of career paths, any exposure, any encouragement to sports or work, no validation so i begun life with virtually no momentum, no career, no foundation... but some inheritance i guess. that's just one thing but the career setback was huge.
- early losses leading to negative momentum and identity. I always tried to pick myself back up. I was a stoic. i hate stoicism now. it worships endurance of pain but it makes sense when you really are stuck. i sensed it as a kid. i never complained even as much as i could have because i wanted to wait it out. i didn't want to give anyone the pleasure. some day i would be free. I know society's controls more than almost any one now and i'm growing fast.
- I took on mainstream dating advice (by mainstream i actually mean the fastseduction forums and related, which did not serve me at all but it took me till now to fully fully realize that. There were many things but they focused WAY too fucking much on attraction. attraction was never an issue at all, at least not for me. Escalation and being. Also they actually increase self consciousness and second guessing, and whether one is amoral failure for lacking discipline but mostly it's misleading advice. It was too early for me to get into those. I needed to focus on career but even besides that, the advice was just misleading. Attraction is nothing when it comes down to it.
- certain phobies too of having my mind seen. I just realized today i often pull away when people try to get to know my mind. That's because I found out, my mom was a hard bitch who tried to discover and control what i think, and also neurotypical men do similar. They sense and punish divergence. They enforce norms and rigid hierarchies. NT men and my mom obsessed about my thinking and didn't give me freedom even though I had high IQ and i generalized this to all women I guess and had an instinctive shy away, plus i rationalize that as being scarce for her even though that's bullshit and i think this is one of their MAIN things they want to connect over, and i have a beautiful mind, so that was all fucked up. That's what i did differently with this University student above, I was prepared, i actually opened my mind to her, for the first time to that level toa stranger, shared my views on a lot of things and she was loving it. told her about my views on math education, how it sucks balls (not those words) and explained why. Many other things, fools and kings and shew as loving it. This is how women bond, they want to get into your mind.
Props to salome from lithuania. she was on the spectrum and hot and she just had her first kid. we connected on fb, the only person i connected with through the internet and started talking about neurodivergence and then chase sprung it on me more recently and i was off to the races. I have no superiority complex. never have never will. it's not that we're superior and it certainly takes all types but it's that NT society is just .. kind of .. inferior. they're damaged goods it seems like in my view. They rise and fall with the news cycle. Anyway now i have this lens for seeing things and it is a power. It explains new things of my life every day, and explains old events that have stuck in my brain as memories- every day- random memories across all of my life... but neurodivergents are like the xmen. i'm not that into fantasy or marvel. I"m into reality but we're like them in that we're different, we have gifts and we can relate to each other easily and naturally- what's called the Double Empathy Problem. that's X-Men exactly.
- I also didn't have a natural social pipeline much of my time. I was kind of a lone wolf not because i didn't like people. i love people but i knew the cost of being in a group- surrendering some of your free thought i think and succumbing to norms. i needed to take the path i did. i wish it could have been quicker.
- general extreme moral caution (not hurting anybody) and sometimes a monogamy mind.
- Also high standards and expectations, for myself and others. i genuinely have high standards, and not just as a defense mechanism.
- pre-worry about stuff before it even happens.
All these things and more conspired and combined to make me struggle. things have always gotten gradually better but never quick enough, as when i settled down, got hobbies, got a career, but i was never really free like i'm becoming now. I know you don't believe me. I know you think i'm in manic optimism mode. Maybe I am. Or maybe i'm just learning Ars Amatoria. I always had women interested, here and there. I didn't know how much they wanted certainty in a man. They wanted to be touched, teased, led- in small ways- and let into your mind, etc. Everything was too much force-- and big steps and then came the loops, the mental loops. Thought is of different types. i like the type that is an unblocked river, which is progressive or discursive. Thoughts can be blocked by fears or 'superstitio' (sic), or they can loop around. I don't like those. A real man, a winner, has thoughts flow to conclusion, and that's what Meditatio originally meant.
Neurotypical society is so dumb. 12+ years of school teach you endurance is more important than power or mastery. You could be a master of something in that time, but then you go on and get your 'masters' degree. It's all designed to put complexes in your mind. It's alright. it's no one thing that does one in. there are pros to this. It's the multi-pressure. that's what i'm battling now. Marcus aurelius was not a happy man. he inherited strife. People glorify him and his wisdom and he was cheated on and worse, made to promote his wives lovers, if you believe the rumors.
I've been feeling good and having breakthroughs and I don't want to be distracted by anything, even work. i have to change everything to change my life but the last thing i need is unnecessary friction or blockage. I call all this the multi-pressure. My tenant downstairs is such an anxious little baby. world class translator got some medal for it. nice guy, i think him and his son might be autistic but he was nervous the day i took over the place 2+ years ago. He doesn't have a lot of issues but every time he has a little one he's anxious angie nervous nelly no trust in me, why don't you call a professional- to fix a lightbulb practically. He's like that again today with this storm window issue. Fucking hell. I go down look at it, start commenting or whatever. he gets nervous. I guess I don't have enough certainty in my voice for his comfort even though i'm going straight at the problem with gusto. he's like a woman, who has to shit test you when she's not sure and one who is never sure. he says he has to go but calls me back later to explain himself. he doesn't want his house to be my hobby. 2+ years ive done a good job with snow and ice, which he was nervous about, with redoing his moldy caulk with everything and he freaks out over a storm window for insulation (though it's late spring) and security (though the place is safe and he has the main window). Also he expressed nervousness that i would be learning on this. I should already just fucking know everything. I think these are actually control loops he's trying to execute or something because he senses uncertainty. it's funny. he says it's cause he grew up in manhattan with professional landlords. he actually is a good guy when he's not freaking out but he's a pain in the ass when he is, so i'll raise his rent this december (8 mo lead time but i never raise rent on good tenants, and raise it each year thereafter like the professionals do). So i want to create systems where i have less friction in my life. this was just one thing. I have also always carried a lot of weight, heavy loads and now i'm starting to feel it come out of my body, my physiology as i process all this shit, coming out as soreness leaving the body. my brother was looping hard today with depression and grief. I'm tryna bus him outta that and empower him. Did some other tenant work while trying to progress on my user story at work which is turning out to be bigger than planned. just a usual day. i'm not complaining. we all have our shit, but I want to create systems that eliminate this! lubrication- whether it means hiring assistants at some point or whatever. And fucking notifications on these apps, they make it a side quest to learn how to disable them. WTF The pressure and stress really does affect my game though. I get high with these experiences and all in the love and connection mode, and these frictions and loads bring me back to stress, fight or flight, etc. they are an enemy, we must route out viciously like old Python slain by that incel apollo.
I guess I don't know where my rage went. i had more rage at the world than i remembered. Guess this is long enough. I guess i just rage that it's so neurotypical.
Oh some more thoughts. confidence. They teach confidence but when i heard that as the key (when i wasn't even looking) first few years in college, before i ever discovered the crazy forums, you assume it's a feeling. how you supposed to just fucking conjure up and feel confidence? That's not what it is though. You need to touch confidently. Lead confidently. WTF is it a feeling i am supposed to have? David D says Attraction isn't a choice. nothing is a choice. there's zero free will so yeah but here's the big kicker. attraction is NOTHING. who can't so easily attract a woman? Escalation or whatever, I don't know intrigue, connection but i think a lot escalation is everything. I know what women want -i've always known even if i can't always make it happen. They want to be desired and enjoyed by a man who is not afraid to do that. If you hesitate they will begin to question everything- are you safe, are they attracted and pull away.
Oh and Doc love, who i looked into much later at one period. he seemed like a classy guy. why not, get back into this stuff. He said don't touch, let her touch you. i actually took that seriously kind of, or considered it. That's the dumbest advice in retrospect i probably ever took. Horrible. Atrocious. And like everything else that piled on, costly. i carried that idea, even if i wasn't sure about it, forward the last several years till recently.
Oh i wanted to comment on the best movie ever. this just highlights neurodivergence so well. Scent of a woman, which I saw when i was a teenager and i understood immediately. i find people don't get it even to this day. The key is -everyone in that movie is blind- except the blind man, who can see what's really going on. huua. he was training charlie from day one, with love, like he trained all his soldier boys (by presumption). He was the only one in that movie not blind lol. That's how i feel the world is. Ah well at least i can see. I was blind- mind blind to their blindness so i thought i was blind. i was kind of in some ways but i was also repressed internally in other ways. Now i am becoming Achilles, Ovid, King Louis XIV the sun king. He was actually a good role model. He owned his space. Achilles could go to battle. he was no soldier, he was a warrior, he chose when he fought, and he was a harpist and a friend and many things besides. he was no brute. That's Achilles. He did not create Space. Napoleon did not create space. he's the icon of movement and conquering through motion but Louis - he was the sun that people had to orbit. he created space, which is what i need to do because i am very environment sensitive and I need stronger armor. i have chinks in my armor, i realized today. That's a common motif- Smaug, Achilles himself, the death star- a villain or hero with chinks. Gotta close them. I'm environmentally sensitive, to groups of neurotypicals like wandered in today. I don't hate anyone but I can't be suppressed.
No one in the game community could have come close to helping me. Maybe that's not true. maybe a 1:1 key friendship would have helped me but I know for a fact my needs were so much deeper and i didn't really even want to be part of that community. my purpose goes beyond strictly that- not that it doesn't for other people as well. i was a boy anyway.
My heart was always an opening heart. it was never a self driving heart, empowered with momentum. i got that feeling late at dance during the all night dance. i was like tired and was like ok i'm feeling self doubt or whatever but I didn't have to worry my heart was like no i got this and just turned itself on and pulled me. That was kind of like armor. No chinks.
Yeah i have a right to rage, a lot, 'cause neurotypical society did so much damage to me- to many - to ukraine, to it's fucking self. so it is. My karma is not their karma though. I'll just go on my path but i think i should always bash them when i get the chance. I don't even remember half of what i wanted to say. The women are mine muahahaha. fathers, your daughters are mine now. The age of kings is gone. the age of consent, and of feminine feelings is here and it rules you and you're scared and you all just turn the other cheek and forgive anyway... but i'm actually a good man, one of the best you'll ever meet, with hella gifts to give.
Yours truly has a long journal thread elsewhere about how he's fucked. No it's not that i necessarily believed that but I spent years trying so many things, more than anyone etc. It was never about attractiveness. Chase mentioned autism and aspergers and it got me down a rabbit hole. i'm that in spades, so props to him.
Now i have had real results and quite sudden momentum of transformation, and let me get to the results side first. Not a lay report. That doesn't even matter. I'm no virgin. So, what i want is to meet women organically while doing my thing, and hit it off and get deep with them and eventually you know lay them or create a relationship with them or whatever, but i don't want to go out of my way to meet them. I would like to go to clubs and start dancing with them. That's on my list and i see it possible very soon.
Btw this could be one of the most powerful posts you ever read. Or maybe not.
But i wanted to meet them organically and i have. Dancing and coffee shops mostly, while i'm doing my thing. I always sensed that this was possible, if as a man you could just show up.
The main result, the closest to getting anywhere- i was at a coffee shop and doing my thing and i ended up sitting next to this sophomore who was on the phone for an hour, and then afterward we ended up talking for better part of an hour. She was into me and i let her into my mind. i did not pull away. That's something I have always kinda done before- you can see below- call it one of the bricks in the wall. Btw i shared my views on a lot of things- education. I told her my philosophy of that was like pink floyd's. she didn't even know who that was. She was digging me, and it was not far from sex but i fucked up. how? I didn't get her fucking number. We decided to exchange numbers and idiot autistic me remembered my cousin- who is good with girls, said go for snap. Even though she already agreed. it was like a script or a spring in my brain shot out and just did snap and i only gave her mine she didn't give me hers. i know she was interested, but you know inertia. ah what the hell there will be more. that was crazy. Mistakes are for morons and i made one big one but regrets are for pussies, so fuck that shit, fuck that regret loop. BTW the spring mind theory is real. we have thoughts that just spring out- at least i do. The only way i found to solve these is to try pre-train your brain. i'm a big believer in pre-training- deep work, inner work. that's what i do in the coffee shops outside of work these days. literally explore my traumas.
Also i have had good experiences with some people at dance. i have figured out how to tease. i fucking thought teasing meant banter and meant 50:50. really you want to be ruthless and put them under you in a playful way. you want to "win" no holds barred. The community didn't stress this enough to me back in the day- at least as i recall. back in 2003 i was overwhelmed. there was no way my young mind could filter out what i needed. I had no foundation for anything. I was teasing this hot dance girl. she's going for it. there's still tension. I have to keep up the momentum. I'm nervous and that's life so i'm working through my memories that make me nervous.
I was also at a west coast swing competition just to spectate. they had an all night dance. it was awesome. 11pm-morning and i stayed till 5AM. danced with a lot of girls. i've been working on touching with certainty and leading. micro leading to not get into loops in my head where i think all results must be big. the results happen via the small. people get loops in their head. There were some hot dancers that danced hot with me. I can think of many good ones but 3 noteworthy ones. this hot russian was crazy hot. She danced so hot for me but then she wouldn't dance again. She backed away. it was weird. wtf. Maybe I didn't escalate? BTW I had it in mind if possible to pull but that didn't happen. One girl i danced with I ended up trying to give my sexual energy to. that's all i can describe it as and I was doing that from the beginning because she was so sexy but then about half way through something bumped it up a notch and women being so sensitive, they could feel it. I was like so intensely trying to radiate sexual desire to fuck her. that's what they want actually, and she was loving it. Then there was this girl i actually grabbed her back with confidence and we started dancing tummy to tummy. I pussed out after a while cause my mind pulled back. I"m working on that but that was hot. that's what i want to be doing with girls in the nightclub. Then there were other girls, a cute new zealander etc.
I'd say these are a good handful of results compared to where i was coming from not that long ago- literally all in last 7-10 days plus some other good interactions.
Now the rage... and why it's taken a quarter century to break free. It literally has taken about that long, since turning 18. Call me Odysseus. Call me Achilles too. Things are clicking and i'm doing for the harvest. We shall see.
Fucking neurotypical society. My whole life i've been tall, intelligent, good natured and conventionally attractive- and never a chump thinking inside the box either- intrepid and questioning. I haven't been a pussy but i've gotten sparse results. I found out there are several giant factors that hindered me, any one which is pretty big for a person. In no order and these are just some of them:
-i was autistic in a neurotypical world. That's a big one because it resulted in a lot of misunderstandings and (self)misidentifications of things. That permeates everything.
- Lack of parental support. My mother was cold and shriveled and i think my dad might be closet gay the way he never lusts after women or talks about him but randomly spouts how God doesn't like gays. he's a very gentle guy too, very passive and weak, a follower, completely unlike my late grandpa. Crazy. But no it's not that. nobody has perfect parents. this is just one factor, but they didn't give me anything- any discussion of career paths, any exposure, any encouragement to sports or work, no validation so i begun life with virtually no momentum, no career, no foundation... but some inheritance i guess. that's just one thing but the career setback was huge.
- early losses leading to negative momentum and identity. I always tried to pick myself back up. I was a stoic. i hate stoicism now. it worships endurance of pain but it makes sense when you really are stuck. i sensed it as a kid. i never complained even as much as i could have because i wanted to wait it out. i didn't want to give anyone the pleasure. some day i would be free. I know society's controls more than almost any one now and i'm growing fast.
- I took on mainstream dating advice (by mainstream i actually mean the fastseduction forums and related, which did not serve me at all but it took me till now to fully fully realize that. There were many things but they focused WAY too fucking much on attraction. attraction was never an issue at all, at least not for me. Escalation and being. Also they actually increase self consciousness and second guessing, and whether one is amoral failure for lacking discipline but mostly it's misleading advice. It was too early for me to get into those. I needed to focus on career but even besides that, the advice was just misleading. Attraction is nothing when it comes down to it.
- certain phobies too of having my mind seen. I just realized today i often pull away when people try to get to know my mind. That's because I found out, my mom was a hard bitch who tried to discover and control what i think, and also neurotypical men do similar. They sense and punish divergence. They enforce norms and rigid hierarchies. NT men and my mom obsessed about my thinking and didn't give me freedom even though I had high IQ and i generalized this to all women I guess and had an instinctive shy away, plus i rationalize that as being scarce for her even though that's bullshit and i think this is one of their MAIN things they want to connect over, and i have a beautiful mind, so that was all fucked up. That's what i did differently with this University student above, I was prepared, i actually opened my mind to her, for the first time to that level toa stranger, shared my views on a lot of things and she was loving it. told her about my views on math education, how it sucks balls (not those words) and explained why. Many other things, fools and kings and shew as loving it. This is how women bond, they want to get into your mind.
Props to salome from lithuania. she was on the spectrum and hot and she just had her first kid. we connected on fb, the only person i connected with through the internet and started talking about neurodivergence and then chase sprung it on me more recently and i was off to the races. I have no superiority complex. never have never will. it's not that we're superior and it certainly takes all types but it's that NT society is just .. kind of .. inferior. they're damaged goods it seems like in my view. They rise and fall with the news cycle. Anyway now i have this lens for seeing things and it is a power. It explains new things of my life every day, and explains old events that have stuck in my brain as memories- every day- random memories across all of my life... but neurodivergents are like the xmen. i'm not that into fantasy or marvel. I"m into reality but we're like them in that we're different, we have gifts and we can relate to each other easily and naturally- what's called the Double Empathy Problem. that's X-Men exactly.
- I also didn't have a natural social pipeline much of my time. I was kind of a lone wolf not because i didn't like people. i love people but i knew the cost of being in a group- surrendering some of your free thought i think and succumbing to norms. i needed to take the path i did. i wish it could have been quicker.
- general extreme moral caution (not hurting anybody) and sometimes a monogamy mind.
- Also high standards and expectations, for myself and others. i genuinely have high standards, and not just as a defense mechanism.
- pre-worry about stuff before it even happens.
All these things and more conspired and combined to make me struggle. things have always gotten gradually better but never quick enough, as when i settled down, got hobbies, got a career, but i was never really free like i'm becoming now. I know you don't believe me. I know you think i'm in manic optimism mode. Maybe I am. Or maybe i'm just learning Ars Amatoria. I always had women interested, here and there. I didn't know how much they wanted certainty in a man. They wanted to be touched, teased, led- in small ways- and let into your mind, etc. Everything was too much force-- and big steps and then came the loops, the mental loops. Thought is of different types. i like the type that is an unblocked river, which is progressive or discursive. Thoughts can be blocked by fears or 'superstitio' (sic), or they can loop around. I don't like those. A real man, a winner, has thoughts flow to conclusion, and that's what Meditatio originally meant.
Neurotypical society is so dumb. 12+ years of school teach you endurance is more important than power or mastery. You could be a master of something in that time, but then you go on and get your 'masters' degree. It's all designed to put complexes in your mind. It's alright. it's no one thing that does one in. there are pros to this. It's the multi-pressure. that's what i'm battling now. Marcus aurelius was not a happy man. he inherited strife. People glorify him and his wisdom and he was cheated on and worse, made to promote his wives lovers, if you believe the rumors.
I've been feeling good and having breakthroughs and I don't want to be distracted by anything, even work. i have to change everything to change my life but the last thing i need is unnecessary friction or blockage. I call all this the multi-pressure. My tenant downstairs is such an anxious little baby. world class translator got some medal for it. nice guy, i think him and his son might be autistic but he was nervous the day i took over the place 2+ years ago. He doesn't have a lot of issues but every time he has a little one he's anxious angie nervous nelly no trust in me, why don't you call a professional- to fix a lightbulb practically. He's like that again today with this storm window issue. Fucking hell. I go down look at it, start commenting or whatever. he gets nervous. I guess I don't have enough certainty in my voice for his comfort even though i'm going straight at the problem with gusto. he's like a woman, who has to shit test you when she's not sure and one who is never sure. he says he has to go but calls me back later to explain himself. he doesn't want his house to be my hobby. 2+ years ive done a good job with snow and ice, which he was nervous about, with redoing his moldy caulk with everything and he freaks out over a storm window for insulation (though it's late spring) and security (though the place is safe and he has the main window). Also he expressed nervousness that i would be learning on this. I should already just fucking know everything. I think these are actually control loops he's trying to execute or something because he senses uncertainty. it's funny. he says it's cause he grew up in manhattan with professional landlords. he actually is a good guy when he's not freaking out but he's a pain in the ass when he is, so i'll raise his rent this december (8 mo lead time but i never raise rent on good tenants, and raise it each year thereafter like the professionals do). So i want to create systems where i have less friction in my life. this was just one thing. I have also always carried a lot of weight, heavy loads and now i'm starting to feel it come out of my body, my physiology as i process all this shit, coming out as soreness leaving the body. my brother was looping hard today with depression and grief. I'm tryna bus him outta that and empower him. Did some other tenant work while trying to progress on my user story at work which is turning out to be bigger than planned. just a usual day. i'm not complaining. we all have our shit, but I want to create systems that eliminate this! lubrication- whether it means hiring assistants at some point or whatever. And fucking notifications on these apps, they make it a side quest to learn how to disable them. WTF The pressure and stress really does affect my game though. I get high with these experiences and all in the love and connection mode, and these frictions and loads bring me back to stress, fight or flight, etc. they are an enemy, we must route out viciously like old Python slain by that incel apollo.
I guess I don't know where my rage went. i had more rage at the world than i remembered. Guess this is long enough. I guess i just rage that it's so neurotypical.
Oh some more thoughts. confidence. They teach confidence but when i heard that as the key (when i wasn't even looking) first few years in college, before i ever discovered the crazy forums, you assume it's a feeling. how you supposed to just fucking conjure up and feel confidence? That's not what it is though. You need to touch confidently. Lead confidently. WTF is it a feeling i am supposed to have? David D says Attraction isn't a choice. nothing is a choice. there's zero free will so yeah but here's the big kicker. attraction is NOTHING. who can't so easily attract a woman? Escalation or whatever, I don't know intrigue, connection but i think a lot escalation is everything. I know what women want -i've always known even if i can't always make it happen. They want to be desired and enjoyed by a man who is not afraid to do that. If you hesitate they will begin to question everything- are you safe, are they attracted and pull away.
Oh and Doc love, who i looked into much later at one period. he seemed like a classy guy. why not, get back into this stuff. He said don't touch, let her touch you. i actually took that seriously kind of, or considered it. That's the dumbest advice in retrospect i probably ever took. Horrible. Atrocious. And like everything else that piled on, costly. i carried that idea, even if i wasn't sure about it, forward the last several years till recently.
Oh i wanted to comment on the best movie ever. this just highlights neurodivergence so well. Scent of a woman, which I saw when i was a teenager and i understood immediately. i find people don't get it even to this day. The key is -everyone in that movie is blind- except the blind man, who can see what's really going on. huua. he was training charlie from day one, with love, like he trained all his soldier boys (by presumption). He was the only one in that movie not blind lol. That's how i feel the world is. Ah well at least i can see. I was blind- mind blind to their blindness so i thought i was blind. i was kind of in some ways but i was also repressed internally in other ways. Now i am becoming Achilles, Ovid, King Louis XIV the sun king. He was actually a good role model. He owned his space. Achilles could go to battle. he was no soldier, he was a warrior, he chose when he fought, and he was a harpist and a friend and many things besides. he was no brute. That's Achilles. He did not create Space. Napoleon did not create space. he's the icon of movement and conquering through motion but Louis - he was the sun that people had to orbit. he created space, which is what i need to do because i am very environment sensitive and I need stronger armor. i have chinks in my armor, i realized today. That's a common motif- Smaug, Achilles himself, the death star- a villain or hero with chinks. Gotta close them. I'm environmentally sensitive, to groups of neurotypicals like wandered in today. I don't hate anyone but I can't be suppressed.
No one in the game community could have come close to helping me. Maybe that's not true. maybe a 1:1 key friendship would have helped me but I know for a fact my needs were so much deeper and i didn't really even want to be part of that community. my purpose goes beyond strictly that- not that it doesn't for other people as well. i was a boy anyway.
My heart was always an opening heart. it was never a self driving heart, empowered with momentum. i got that feeling late at dance during the all night dance. i was like tired and was like ok i'm feeling self doubt or whatever but I didn't have to worry my heart was like no i got this and just turned itself on and pulled me. That was kind of like armor. No chinks.
Yeah i have a right to rage, a lot, 'cause neurotypical society did so much damage to me- to many - to ukraine, to it's fucking self. so it is. My karma is not their karma though. I'll just go on my path but i think i should always bash them when i get the chance. I don't even remember half of what i wanted to say. The women are mine muahahaha. fathers, your daughters are mine now. The age of kings is gone. the age of consent, and of feminine feelings is here and it rules you and you're scared and you all just turn the other cheek and forgive anyway... but i'm actually a good man, one of the best you'll ever meet, with hella gifts to give.
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