Right time to progress into long-term?

[jez]

In response to the new podcast about relationships: https://www.girlschase.com/content/girls ... ase-amante

I've been seeing this girl for almost 4 months now. It started when I was invited to drink beer with my friend and he invited his co-worker (at the time) to come over too. Right at the start she seemed like a cute and genuinely cool person. And I immediately thought that I'd like to get to know her and if we decide to head to the bar later on the night, I'm gonna invite her home at some point. So we went to a bar and I saw a pretty good opportunity to use a more direct approach. It was not very crowded and not very loud and we were just kind of standing there so I said to her: "I'm getting really bored here. Wanna come somewhere with me where there's better music and cheaper drinks?" Somewhat to my surprise she put up some resistance by starting to ask what kind of music do I think is better but I overcame that and she agreed to leave the bar with me (and leave some of our other friends behind).

A short walk to my place and we weren't even that drunk - tipsy at most. Quickly I put on some music, offered a drink and we started kissing. I can't remember the wording exactly but she soon said to me: "By the way, I'm not looking for a relationship." or "I don't want this to entail a relationship." And right there the expectation and frame was set. It's gonna be a one-night stand or friends with benefits arrangement at most. I was okay with it and we proceeded to have satisfying sex after which I called her a taxi to drive her home.

We didn't exchange phone numbers or any contact info but about 2 weeks later I received a request from Facebook to read her message: "Wanna do it again sometime? " I agreed, got her phone number and we've been seeing each other since then once or twice a week. She always comes over to my place and we always have sex, usually multiple rounds.

Most of the time I've let her initiate contact and kind of let her come and go as she pleases (but of course offering her to select from only 1-2 days per week from my busy schedule after she's contacted).

After about 2,5 months she started introducing heart icons into her text messages and has started to sleep over every now and then. One day she texted me that she went to a routine check up at her gynecologist and asked to be prescribed pills so I wouldn't have to use condoms anymore! At one point she suggested we watch a movie after sex and so we did.
She interestingly said: "I know that watching a movie isn't exactly part of the deal we had."
Me: "I think that the tea we had wasn't part of the deal either."
She: "Well yeah, but you could say that we just had to refuel between sessions of sex."

To me it sounds like she wanted to remind me that we had a "fuck buddy" deal and these movies and tea times are meaningless. Or am I reading it wrong here? It seems like this thing we have has progressed slowly over time to include regular heart icons on text messages, sleeping over every now and then, watching movies, eating supper/breakfast together. And I've been under the impression that any "relationship talk" should be strictly left to the girl when she's ready to do so to not seem like I am the one who is chasing after a relationship and breaking the deal we set.

But in that podcast Chase said that you can't always leave it up to the girl to initiate progress in the relationship and you should also be sensitive as to what phase you think the relationship should be at that particular point you're in. So it got me thinking that is she just afraid to open up a discussion about possibly going for something more serious and long-term? Maybe she doesn't want to come across as the one to go back on one's word in regards to what she said at the very beginning? Could she be waiting/hoping for me to talk about something long term? Or is it a risk of scaring her away? Because I don't know how strict women usually are with these kinds of arrangements especially when it was her who initially said no to relationships.

I don't know about her relationship history but I'm open for something long-term right now after getting to know her for about 4 months. She just turned 30 and is a bit older than me but has a great personality and good qualities: cute and great body, smart, has a steady job and is not a party/club girl, same taste as I in many things, no kids etc. etc.

 

[ray_zorse]

It's a tough one. Pros and cons... well, I believe you have to calibrate quite well to the girl and pick up any little signs, and on that basis progress the relationship when you feel she might lose interest, auto reject or start making ultimatums. Reason I say this is I believe it's wise to enter a relationship on your own terms, because YOU decide to, and have it appear to her that it's a reward for her investment and commitment. If you do anything reactive like she threatens to leave and you reward this by offering relationship it puts you in a weak position. At the same time if you do it too early it also puts you in a weak position because you appear needy and low on options. Plus I believe the ideal girl is the one who loves you so much she's HAPPY to be in your life indefinitely in a lesser role, and continues to invest in you while dreamily thinking "oh it would be so good if one day..." without actually making demands. So you really have to spot this situation and reward it, and if that isn't the situation enjoy her and then let her go.
Ray

 

[ray_zorse]

Just one thing I forgot to add which is, some girls DON'T want LTR and prefer FWB... they're not common, but they do exist. You mentioned your girl is 30 and so she is sexually mature, is there a possibility she could be sleeping with other guys? If so, this girl is a GREAT find, and you definitely should try not to fuck this up because it is very helpful to have sex on tap, anytime, with someone you connect with, and not have to give any commitment in return or deal with any jealousy or whatnot. Unfortunately with that kind of girl, if you mention LTR she'll run for the hills (a double whammy: not wanting to give up her existing relationships, plus realizing you're not the badass you sold yourself to her as, in fact you're as weak and needy as the next guy and basically can't handle her and her needs)... so you really MUST calibrate to the situation. Good luck.
Ray

 

[Smith]

One day she texted me that she went to a routine check up at her gynecologist and asked to be prescribed pills so I wouldn't have to use condoms anymore! At one point she suggested we watch a movie after sex and so we did.
She interestingly said: "I know that watching a movie isn't exactly part of the deal we had."
Me: "I think that the tea we had wasn't part of the deal either."
She: "Well yeah, but you could say that we just had to refuel between sessions of sex."

imo, she wanted a committed relationship with you. SHE suggested movie after sex and SHE wanted to get the pills, so I think she was saying that to test where your stance is. If she wanted you just as a fwb, then she wouldn't have done those things. But your response to her was kinda cold, so she had to protect her ego. If similar things happen again in the future, just ask her to spell it out "what does that mean?". Because it depends on her tonality and body language, I can't really tell if she wanted a committed relationship with you, but just reading from your post, it most likely seems like that where she was directing the conversation to.

 

[Seppuku]

Because it depends on her tonality and body language, I can't really tell if she wanted a committed relationship with you, but just reading from your post, it most likely seems like that where she was directing the conversation to.

This could also be her, testing the strength of your lover frame. If this is the case, and if you give in, you may lose her.

I agree with Ray. You have to make it evolve the way you want, lead her into what you want. Maybe this is what she expects from you: she wants to be taken, but it has to come from you. If you discuss LTR as a result of her, bringing up the topic, it will be perceived as weak and reactive.

I would avoid upfront LTR talk, and make the relationship evolve "de facto" towards LTR. See her more often, have her stay overnight more often, do more BF/GF things. LTR "just happened". If she's seeing other guys, it's good that she spends more and more time with you. Always give her good sex. You're becoming her main man... but make sure you have other options at hand.

Starting casual and slowly progressing into a relationship seems to me the best way to establish durable relations. Unfortunately, what girls usually try to do, is to jump in a full relationship overnight, and most of the time the guy lets himself roped in. It seems you got a lucky number with her.

 

[jez]

Thanks for the insight!

A tricky situation. I think she is fully aware of the fact that our fwb-deal has evolved into something more meaningful. I've seen her a bit more often and we spend more time doing other things at my place in addition to sex. She says she likes me and feels good around me but that could just be a reaction to satisfying sex. I've had girls tell me that before (and we didn't end up in an LTR.)

I have to say I'm quite certain she doesn't sleep with other guys. As I mentioned she's not a party girl and her job requires her to do only night shifts for one week at a time so her social contacts are that much more limited. During her off week she spends a lot of time with her dogs, training them. Also the pill prescription came relatively shortly after she started seeing me regularly. I can't rule it out but it seems unlikely.

I agree that the best approach could be that I somehow ask what this progression in our arrangement means for her, especially if she starts to talk about something related to that like in the case before the movie. Rather than ask her upfront about being my girlfriend. On the other hand if Chase is right I might lose her if I just wait too long for her to make the initiative and she gives up on me. Or makes an ultimatum and I appear weak.

 

[jez]

She visited me again today. After sex, when her mood was at a high level, I told her I like her. She replied with a smile and said she likes me back. Shortly after I said: "I wonder what this means now that we like each other so much." She had a big smile and playful laugh and replied: "I don't know."

We talked about a lot of personal things and she agreed we can act very natural around each other. She said it would be okay if I came to visit her place next weekend. Then we had another round of sex before she left to work.

Few hours later she texted me it would be fun if we headed to the local market fair next weekend also.

So this looks very promising! Could be it's becoming de facto an LTR like someone mentioned.