Self improvement, the next steps

[RobertToteaux]

Hi there!

I'm new here, so i might as well briefly introduce myself. I am Robert, 23 years old and i want to learn to get better with girls. Never had a girlfriend or got laid, even though i've kissed 3 girls in my life. This lack of succes with girls did cause me to be pretty down a few years ago. Was on the brink of suicide, but something in me wasn't ready to give up. I used to be really overweight, i was 115 kilo's, which is about 250 pounds. Also, i have aspergers, which caused me to be a bit awkward socially. These where probably the main reasons for my lack of succes with women. So i started fighting my 'disabilities'. This had the following effects:

1: Started working out, running and controlling my food intake. Went from 250 pounds(115 kilo) to around 198 (90 kilo) right now. Still too much, but i'm working on it.
2: Upgraded fashion. I used dress sleazily. Started paying more attention to clothing and this worked. I really like the casual but formal look(as formal as possible without having to wear suits).
3: Started socialising more. I found that due to my aspergers, i didn't have much of a social sense and was really shy. Reading about social behavior online and by methodically learning every tiny nitbit i could find helped me improve in this area. Now i have quite a lot of friends and have developed a rather friendly, humorous and outgoing personality.
4: Started socialising with women more. I now have more contact with them then i used to. I now have some female friends and in the past few months i have been noticing a few girls who were probably interested in me. Unfortunately no results. My own mistakes obviously.

I think the problems i should start tackling are as follows:
1: I can be friendly with women, but deep diving and building connections with them is something i'm sort of a baffoon at. Here is room for improvement.
2: I tend to be really humorous and entertaining. Recently i've read that being funny gets you friends, but no romance. Problem is, i like being funny and humorous. Maybe i need to tone it down around girls.
3: I am an utter baffoon at getting something romantic out of girls. I can be friendly with them, but getting to the next level is a major issue. Massive room for improvement here.

I don't think i'm having a lack of balls. It's just that i don't have a clue how, so i end up not doing it. To be honest, my goal isn't to sleep with hot women everyday and be able to pull every girl i meet into bed. I just want to have more succes with women and get a girlfriend if possible.

Do you guys have any tips or advice about where to go from here?

 

[kalyan]

Hey Rob,
Glad to see you're putting in so much effort! I used to suffer from much of the issues you had, and it got hard sometimes. I mean, sometimes I felt momentum to go forward, sometimes I felt like just giving up. And you know what? I've improved, but the option of not being good enough and wanting to quit comes back sometimes. You have to stay strong.
A few tips I can give you:
115 kilos to 90 is really good, bravo. But I'm sure you know, the lower you get, the harder it becomes to lose weight. Don't lose hope though! Stay dedicated, I'm sure you're following a plan, so see it through to the end.
You mentioned fashion, and it's a good idea. But what I'd do is lose more weight, get to my target goals, THEN revamp my wardrobe: the problem is, the clothes you buy now will be too big after a few months, so better invest your money elsewhere- unless you want to stay at 90 kilos.
Socially, good, you're progressing. Read a few articles, try out new things you read. Take a cheat sheet with you: a little piece of paper with small objectives for each outing (check the "goal setting" article).
Work on your fundamentals, having better posture and walk pay off.
And generally, practice! You said sometimes you don't know what to do, so you end up not doing it. And I had that problem, too. You know how you'll find out what to do? Try what you think is best, and when it fails, you'll know what doesn't work, and have an idea on what might work... So you'll try that next time! For this to work though, you have to be careful the reactions you get from people don't get to you. For example,if you set yourself a homework to do 10 direct approaches, and if you try a direct approach for the 10 times, and get rejected a lot, don't lose hope. On the contrary, be happy that you finished your homework.
Glad to help!

 

[RobertToteaux]

Hey Kalyan,

Thanks for your kind reply, that is some solid advice you've got there. Yes i know that the more weight you lose, the harder it gets. I've been going to the gym and the staff is very good, so i can always ask them for advice. It is indeed a good advice to lose weight first, then revamp my wardrope, thanks for that one!

And for now, i'm glad i've stumbled upon this website. I've been reading some articles already and i've already improved, most notably with conversation and posture. I've been trying deep diving with people for the past week and all of them have responded well to it. So i've already became somewhat better at conversation. Just need to keep it up and keep learning, i'm confident that i'm on the right path.

Anyway, thanks for your help and advice. I wish you a good day!

 

[Freelance57]

So Im actually struggling with the aspergers issue as well, do you have any links to a good place for those articles you read? That would be much appreciated