Should I keep approaching in my neighborhood?

[Loverboy]

Hi guys,

I'm sure this is a common question but I haven't found an answer on this. The closest things I've found as answers are

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So here's my situation:
Recently I bumped 4 times into girls I had approached before. I like to scout for beautiful women on my commute, easy peazy lazy, but it turns out that when you take more or less the same route every day, you're bound to bump into familiar faces again. Public transport isn't as anonymous as you'd think, if you pay attention you start noticing the same people--including work colleagues.
Same regarding my neighborhood. It's a decent middle-class / young area with plenty of nice women walking around, a few nice parks, plenty of women who would love for a stranger to show up and brighten their day a little. To give an idea, I live off-center and my neighborhood has a population of ~50.000 people.

I'm reaching a point where the "what if's" questions are starting to carry their weight:
* What if I "fail" an approach, make an awkward move, then later I come across the same girl?
* What if I have a successful approach, the girl likes me, then later another day she sees me doing the same thing with another girl?
* What if the surrounding people start noticing me, what if I blow my cover in my area?

One particularly funny situation was this:
On my way to the metro I spotted a girl I had chatted up a week or two prior. Not the most cheerful girl, she has a solid resting bitch face, she had refused to give me her number. I thought "oh hey it's X again, let's have a nice friendly chat" then by the time I got down waiting for my metro I spotted another girl I had approached a few days prior, that girl did give me her number. In the moment between girl 1 and girl 2 I froze and just stayed in my bubble waiting for my commute.

Needless to say, I'm in a phase right now where I'm worrying about what other people might think and it's messing up my motivation.
The obvious answer is keep low profile in my usual hunting grounds, go wander around in totally different areas where I have a clean slate, get my mojo back, then get back to cheering up my local population.

Any thoughts/answers to this?

 

[Higher]

The obvious answer is keep low profile in my usual hunting grounds, go wander around in totally different areas where I have a clean slate, get my mojo back, then get back to cheering up my local population.

Yeah id totally game somewhere else. How far is it to the nearest neighborhoods?

I live in a small city of ~30k ppl, and i rarely game here. I approach only when i get blatant iois.

I usually go to the nearest city 25min away from here. Its still not big (~400k ppl) and once in a while (rare) i spot ppl i know/girls ive approached befor, but on the positive side its got a nice yearly turnover (expats move in and out every year).

I might be paranoid tho.

 

[AspiringStoic]

I think any city with less than a million population, you are bound to run into girls you have previously approached if you are approaching consistently.

I live in a city of more than a million and yet I have sometimes seen women I approached before.

I make a conscious effort to randomize my approach locations. One day just visiting a couple of malls and doing my approaches indoors, one day just bus and tram stops, one day just walking sets in the centre, one day walking sets at a different area etc. Also I make it a point to not approach women who are working at stores in the malls because they are my approaching arena don't want all the girls who work there to know me.

I think its wise to not burn out the area where we approach. Better mix it up. Cold approach is harder as it is without additional worries.

 

[Dragonetti]

@Loverboy
It's natural to worry about the "what ifs," but most of the time they are just that - worries and not actualities.

Think about it, how many times in the past has anything bad happened? How many times have you successfully approached a girl?

If we can agree that you're not causing any harm and being respectful the vast majority of the time, then you've got no reason to be worried. If you're making the girl's day better then they have no reason to have any negative feelings towards you. And if they do, it's not your problem.

The real value in this is to improve your game so you're always making a positive impression. If you're doing that, then you've got no worries at all.

Even if you do see a girl again, it's not necessarily a bad thing. You can just give her a friendly smile and say something like "Hey, I've seen you around before, how's it going?" It's not like you're trying to hide anything. You're just being social and friendly. You're not "the creepy guy" - you're "that friendly guy who I've talked to a couple times."

The only real way to avoid this is to move to a big city and switch up your routes often. But that's a big step and doesn't solve the real issue which is your mindset. There's always going to be a chance you'll run into someone you know or have approached before. The key is to be confident and not let it phase you.

If you're really having trouble you could try going to new areas. But I would start with working on your mindset and not letting the fear of seeing a girl again stop you.

 

[Kaida]

Reminds me of me freshman year of college lol. I approached like 150 women probably that semester (of the same demographic too). I would see a group of 3 girls I approached individually that week walking in a group talking to each other lol. I had some reputation damage to fix.

I cant really tell if your main concern is reputation issues or just avoiding awkward moments.

Here’s what I’ll say about your situation if it’s the first one:

You’re likely overblowing it mentally. You’re constantly replaying your own memories so you tend to overestimate the significance of events.

In reality, that girl you just approached doesn’t see it as that serious. And if she sees you approach another girl its not like she’s gonna immediately tell her neighbors.

It doesn’t look like the girls you approach really have a chance of knowing each other so I don’t think you have much to worry about reputation wise. Just don’t spam approach and you’ll be fine



As for awkward moments:

If I was in that bus situation I just would’ve proceeded as normal. I would’ve talked to rbf girl first, and if she didn’t bite or was being bitchy I would turn and say “Oh hey!” and talk to girl #2.Now you look cool, social and preselected.

You don’t have to overthink it. These girls don’t know you approached both of them, the other one could be a friend for all they know.

 

[bgwh]

This isn't an issue if you do indirect or social game. If you're just being friendly, being known as the friendly guy of the neighborhood is a positive, not a negative.

 

[Bob Z]

This is honestly an issue thats held me back from approaching for a long time - fear of getting a reputation as someone approaching. What I've realized lately is that this comes from an internal shame about approaching that its "weird" or some hidden thing. Even though none of my IRL friends approach or would be interested I've been talking to them about how I'm getting into it and they generally think its cool or are neutral about it. I feel proud that I am confident enough to make approaches (even tho I'm still in "beginner mode"). If you're like most guys you'll find a gf from this before you get close to the point that reputation becomes a worry.

Def nothing wrong with switching neighborhoods up tho. I'm experimenting with this myself. My neighborhood is the most convenient and I know it best so I see more cute girls per hour - but also want to branch out. Trying to find the sweet spot.

 

[Gorili]

@Loverboy,

I think I'm uniquely qualified to answer these questions as I've ran into the same girls multiple times and I've re-approached them too. Some of these are also on college campuses, so it involves the reputation element that @Kaida mentioned and is relevant to a neighborhood setting. This college is known for radical feminism as well. To summarize, nothing bad has happened so far (fingers crossed)...

50k is actually a decent number of people, similar to a suburb in the US or a large college campus.

* What if I "fail" an approach, make an awkward move, then later I come across the same girl?

I'll give an example of a recent one. Let's call her tree girl. She's a brunette hipster girl.

Tree girl was reading a book under a tree on campus the first time. We talked for 20 mins, and I went for the number close cuz she had to go. She said she's a very private person, so she declined it.

A month later, I bumped into her again, at the same spot. I re-opened tree girl with a different line, but she says she recognized me. My default response these days is "so what happened between us last time?" Her memory was we had a good convo last time

We talked for half an hour about her book, what she's up to these days, etc. and I number close again. She gives me her number, says she doesn't text a lot, and leaves. Turns out it's a fake

I'll write a FR and tag you if there's a 3rd time...

* What if I have a successful approach, the girl likes me, then later another day she sees me doing the same thing with another girl?

If you're approaching in your neighborhood, the girl will think that you're being friendly and getting to know your neighbors so you have plausible deniability. Even if she asks, you can just use this line.

Now, the issue is with places like malls or downtown areas, where it's less common for people to chat up others randomly. Here, I would apply a hit-and-run approach so you're not burning out any area.

What if the surrounding people start noticing me, what if I blow my cover in my area?

Most girls (or people in general) will not be able to tell that it's an approach, or even care. In addition, as you probably know, at least half the people walking around are distracted by their phones or listening to music, so that's a plus for all of us. Similar to the question above, if anyone explicitly asks, just say that you saw Jennifer (or whatever the girl's name is) a few times before, so you wanted to say hi to your neighbor and get to know them better. Then do some chit-chat with this person, get to know them to maintain congruency, and say hi if you ever see them around.

I have a good example of another college campus situation. On Halloween, I was going to attend an event that evening but needed to kill some time first. I saw a girl sitting at a table and talked to her for 1 hour. It was a really bland convo, and her personality was very boring. She's like a 6.5 on the scale. I texted her and she blocked me

A few months down the line and I'm on an instadate with a girl I just met. We're vibing and walking to her car to put a few things away. This girl is like a 9. Out of nowhere the girl from Halloween shows up and we make eye contact for 5 seconds straight. She had no expression on her face and kept walking past us. She didn't say anything, and the new girl didn't notice. The old girl definitely recognized me though. So yeah, nothing really happens.

 

[bgwh]

This is honestly an issue thats held me back from approaching for a long time - fear of getting a reputation as someone approaching. What I've realized lately is that this comes from an internal shame about approaching that its "weird" or some hidden thing. Even though none of my IRL friends approach or would be interested I've been talking to them about how I'm getting into it and they generally think its cool or are neutral about it. I feel proud that I am confident enough to make approaches (even tho I'm still in "beginner mode"). If you're like most guys you'll find a gf from this before you get close to the point that reputation becomes a worry.

Def nothing wrong with switching neighborhoods up tho. I'm experimenting with this myself. My neighborhood is the most convenient and I know it best so I see more cute girls per hour - but also want to branch out. Trying to find the sweet spot.

To be fair it is weird if you're trying to pick them and hit on and try to escalate on each one and sexualizing from the get go. If you're just being social, and only making connections, it's not weird or bad reputation to have. Technically, you CAN sexualize each interaction and not get a bad reputation if it's gradual and interaction gets there gradually, which requires calibration. This is why I personally prefer only sexualizing with girls who are very obviously DTF/horny/flirty, and for everyone else my goal is just "making friends" and inviting them into my social circle.

 

[Bob Z]

To be fair it is weird if you're trying to pick them and hit on and try to escalate on each one and sexualizing from the get go. If you're just being social, and only making connections, it's not weird or bad reputation to have. Technically, you CAN sexualize each interaction and not get a bad reputation if it's gradual and interaction gets there gradually, which requires calibration. This is why I personally prefer only sexualizing with girls who are very obviously DTF/horny/flirty, and for everyone else my goal is just "making friends" and inviting them into my social circle.

100% - when you say sexualize do you mean any form of being direct? I'm a fan of the "are you single" opener - i wouldn't necessarily consider that sexualizing although it is direct. I feel very few women are anything but flattered by that even if totally taken or otherwise uninterested.

 

[bgwh]

100% - when you say sexualize do you mean any form of being direct? I'm a fan of the "are you single" opener - i wouldn't necessarily consider that sexualizing although it is direct. I feel very few women are anything but flattered by that even if totally taken or otherwise uninterested.

Depends. In a vacuum, not an issue. If however you approach a 100 girls in a row and say "hey, you cute", I'm sure you can see how that puts you closer to the sexual creep right?

To make this kind of autistic a bit, though helpful, think of it this way:

A) You could approach 5 girls a week and verbalize interest from hello with all 5 of them

B) You could approach a 100 chicks a week, but only verbalize interest with 5 of them...

And you'll be fine in either case...

However... approaching a 100 chicks a week where you lead with verbalized interest from hello? Nah uh. You're going to become the local sex creep and they're not going to be flattered no more.

 

[AspiringStoic]

All said and done, there are way more people struggling with their dating life because they are scared to approach than there are ones who have no success because they are viewed as creeps for approaching too much or sexualizing with too many girls or every girl.

We have to put things in perspective.

Fear of rejection ruins more lives than rejection ever can.

 

[bgwh]

I'm someone who ruined my reputation to where my reputation preceded me, and girls avoided even interacting with me, because they had been told. It became super weird, because girls rejected me pre-emptively before I even tried anything or even had any interest in trying anything, I became a Pariah. This is all because I had that "hit on every girl" phase, mostly influenced by reading good looking loser and his "risk creepy" advice. I paid the price for years. This was within an entire set of niches, and related industries and niches.

Sexualizing every girl in a neighbourhood would result in similar things. The reason there aren't many men who suffer from this, is because most guys are wise enough to not do it.

 

[AspiringStoic]

I thought we were talking about cold approaching strangers. I don't think PUA coaches advised to hit on people in an industry or at work etc.

In fact don't shit where you eat was reiterated by many of the PUA companies.

And we need to consider what a neighborhood means in terms of population. In a big city a neighborhood can be thousands of people.

 

[bgwh]

I thought we were talking about cold approaching strangers. I don't think PUA coaches advised to hit on people in an industry or at work etc.

In fact don't shit where you eat was reiterated by many of the PUA companies.

And we need to consider what a neighborhood means in terms of population. In a big city a neighborhood can be thousands of people.

A neighbourhood is like an industry or niche (actually neighborhoods are smaller). That was my point. If you approach a 100 girls a week going "hey you're cute", you'll reach the same point pretty quickly.

About "pua companies reiterating not to do this", that's not true. I've only heard some say to not do it within smaller circles. Never seen them admit that doing such volume only works in big cities and you shouldn't do it in smaller contexts, like a niche or neighbourhood.

Please note that I did not hit on every girl in a social circle. I approached and hit on the hotter girls across an entire niche. Sure, it's not pure cold approach because these are niche events and such, but you're still approaching people that are strangers to you, not introduced by friends. I think a neighbourhood would be similar.

 

[AspiringStoic]

A neighbourhood is like an industry or niche (actually neighborhoods are smaller). That was my point. If you approach a 100 girls a week going "hey you're cute", you'll reach the same point pretty quickly.

About "pua companies reiterating not to do this", that's not true. I've only heard some say to not do it within smaller circles. Never seen them admit that doing such volume only works in big cities and you shouldn't do it in smaller contexts, like a niche or neighbourhood.

Please note that I did not hit on every girl in a social circle. I approached and hit on the hotter girls across an entire niche. Sure, it's not pure cold approach because these are niche events and such, but you're still approaching people that are strangers to you, not introduced by friends. I think a neighbourhood would be similar.

While I generally agree that you don't want to burn out any neighborhood, town, mall etc by approaching a lot, I think this not our main problem.

There is a difference between a neighborhood and an industry. People in an industry might meet and talk to each other but people in a neighborhood who are strangers to each other don't just start talking to each other about guys who have approached them. Unless you are doing something very socially uncalibrated or offensive that it becomes something worthy of discussion.

We all suffer from the spotlight effect, we all think we are the centre of the universe, but out on the street 9 times out of 10 nobody even pays attention to you or cares that much about us. Everyone is in their own head.

I know @bgwh you have this method where you are big on "not hitting on girls" and doing some social circle stuff with the people you talk to in the daytime. That is fine if it works for you but you repeating over and over again that if anyone opens girls with "hey you are cute" opener, it makes them creepy will dissuade lots of guys who already have a million reasons not to do that, from cold approaching.

Mainstream society already shames men enough for their sexual desires, for a guy wanting to improve with women, improve his dating life etc. You don't want men to come to a pickup site and see someone again adding to their fears by saying if you show intent you are a creep etc. There are a lot of nuances here.

And come on, to a guy trying to learn a direct form of daygame, showing intent with "only 5 girls a week" won't get him anywhere. Its not even close to enough volume for him to even get comfortable opening with a compliment.

Just saying I don't disagree with the being thoughtful about where, when, how and how much you approach thing. But because you do a more indirect/social type of game doesn't mean you make a blanket statement that opening a lot of girls directly makes you a "sex creep".

 

[bgwh]

While I generally agree that you don't want to burn out any neighborhood, town, mall etc by approaching a lot, I think this not our main problem.

There is a difference between a neighborhood and an industry. People in an industry might meet and talk to each other but people in a neighborhood who are strangers to each other don't just start talking to each other about guys who have approached them. Unless you are doing something very socially uncalibrated or offensive that it becomes something worthy of discussion.

We all suffer from the spotlight effect, we all think we are the centre of the universe, but out on the street 9 times out of 10 nobody even pays attention to you or cares that much about us. Everyone is in their own head.

I know @bgwh you have this method where you are big on "not hitting on girls" and doing some social circle stuff with the people you talk to in the daytime. That is fine if it works for you but you repeating over and over again that if anyone opens girls with "hey you are cute" opener, it makes them creepy will dissuade lots of guys who already have a million reasons not to do that, from cold approaching.

Mainstream society already shames men enough for their sexual desires, for a guy wanting to improve with women, improve his dating life etc. You don't want men to come to a pickup site and see someone again adding to their fears by saying if you show intent you are a creep etc. There are a lot of nuances here.

And come on, to a guy trying to learn a direct form of daygame, showing intent with "only 5 girls a week" won't get him anywhere. Its not even close to enough volume for him to even get comfortable opening with a compliment.

Just saying I don't disagree with the being thoughtful about where, when, how and how much you approach thing. But because you do a more indirect/social type of game doesn't mean you make a blanket statement that opening a lot of girls directly makes you a "sex creep".

At this point you're twisting so much what I'm saying that it's bordering on lying.

You're being disgenuine. I'm only talking about the combination of your own neighbourhood+spam approaching+sexualizing on opener with every single open.

• Spam approaching in your neighborhood: fine
• Sexualizing every single chick in your neighbourhood, just a little later in the interaction, sometimes mere seconds later: fine
• Sexualizing a 100 chicks a week right off the opener, by just combining multiple locations including some done in your neighbourhood: fine

P.S this very board has a sticky about how to limit mass approaching in certain locations and how to combine locations, because there are nuances. Why you are so anti nuance is beyond me.

 

[AspiringStoic]

At this point you're twisting so much what I'm saying that it's bordering on lying.

You're being disgenuine. I'm only talking about the combination of your own neighbourhood+spam approaching+sexualizing on opener with every single open.

• Spam approaching in your neighborhood: fine
• Sexualizing every single chick in your neighbourhood, just a little later in the interaction, sometimes mere seconds later: fine
• Sexualizing a 100 chicks a week right off the opener, by just combining multiple locations including some done in your neighbourhood: fine

P.S this very board has a sticky about how to limit mass approaching in certain locations and how to combine locations, because there are nuances. Why you are so anti nuance is beyond me.

I am not disagreeing with you at all. I 100% get your point.

All I am saying is that of the tons of users that are on this forum and the thousands that come across pickup the biggest problem is not approaching TOO MUCH or sexualizing TOO MUCH. Its the opposite, its that they don't approach enough and don't sexualize/polarize enough.

Chase even wrote a recent article about how most people drop out of pickup before they can open consistently.

How many people who read this forum do you think even have the capacity to "Open a 100 chicks a week" let alone open them with direct intent?

Like literally 99.99 % of guys in the world and even on this forum cannot do it even if they wanted to do it.

So to those people who already are shaking with anxiety they will take any excuse like

"Ah see even on a pickup forum xyz said approaching too much makes me a creep! So I approached 2 girls yesterday so I can't go out today. Can't risk burning out my neighborhood." ‍♂

And that guy is far far away from even coming close to doing too much. That is all the point I am making. Just presenting how it can be interpreted by guys going through this thread. I am not saying your point is not valid.

 

[bgwh]

He specifically asked about approaching in a neighbourhood. That's what I answered giving all the nuances.

I understand your point because I was someone who lost virginity later than most, precisely because of all this talk about this is creepy and that is creepy from mainstream society. However when I finally snapped and accepted "it doesn't matter", I went to the other extreme and did actually become a creep.

 

[AspiringStoic]

I think any city with less than a million population, you are bound to run into girls you have previously approached if you are approaching consistently.

I live in a city of more than a million and yet I have sometimes seen women I approached before.

I make a conscious effort to randomize my approach locations. One day just visiting a couple of malls and doing my approaches indoors, one day just bus and tram stops, one day just walking sets in the centre, one day walking sets at a different area etc. Also I make it a point to not approach women who are working at stores in the malls because they are my approaching arena don't want all the girls who work there to know me.

I think its wise to not burn out the area where we approach. Better mix it up. Cold approach is harder as it is without additional worries.

@bgwh

Long back in the thread I had already given the nuanced answer. See.