Social Momentum vs Social Burden

[Rusty_]

Hi everyone!

I have a question that's been running around my mind A LOT on the last few days:
What's the difference between being a social burden, vs having a streak of low social momentum when you're boarding a group with a girl you want to open?

I'm not oblivious to the fact that sometimes you're talking in a girl or group (at any social gathering either with an approachable girl inside or just a bunch of random fellas) then it feels kind of awkward because I arrive, and everyone is already talking about XYZ, and I'm kinda lost to the conversation. But sometimes too I've been talking to a girl alone, and we have some connection, but then there is some awkward pause and I just race through my mind looking for a topic to remain in conversation. Is this being a social burden? or does it go WAAY past there to reach it?

 

[Light]

Hi Rusty,

What you mentioned at the last sentence is an example of losing momemtum, the ability to keep going / keeping up with the pace.

Having momemtum allows you to not only to keep the conversation going, but making the ball roll faster down the hill. Making the conversation much more interesting.

Being a burden simply means someone who is a dead weight. I'm sure you must have met a few people like this... those who don't know what they are talking about.. the clueless ones. Someone who just kills the conversation.

You can avoid this (in your example of coming late, and then joining in the middle of a conversation) by simply not saying anything, but listen after saying hi. Just listen to everything and don't say anything, until you are asked by someone within the group.
Keep a smile on your face as if you're interested in what they are talking about ( give the impression that you are learning something new)
If you're clueless of what they are talking about, just stay quiet until asked, and say so politely. This will allow them to fill you in without feeling interruption.

Sometimes you will come accross a situation where you know what they are talking about, but its something you're absolutely not interested in. In which case it is better to not say anything at all, and find something else to do, ie; "sorry guys / girls, I'm just going to get another drink, anyone like one?"
There will be times where you can pull another person out from the group to join you who is also bored.

 

[Flames]

This is very much about waiting for those all important cues in discussion and being able to 'wait your turn' to
speak (if your interested) or to remain quiet (if your not). As Light mentioned you can also drag (specifically) someone of with you, or even just give an open invite. Such as 'So who's coming to the bar with me?'. Of course if a girl volunteers to come with you that's an opportunity if you want it.

 

[Rusty_]

Thanks for the input, guys!

@Flames: those cues being topics that flow into the conversation and you can just reel in and start relating to the people?

@Light: Glad to hear it, man I'd hate to be the local creepy guy in action, and just not realize it until it was too late! I had a couple 'drag' opportunities today, just like you mentioned, but it's still hard for me to see them right in the moment...I rarely do tbh, but I guess it's just lack of practice.

Sometimes though, if a woman catches my eye and we're both in the circle, I grab one of those topics I can relate to, and share something and throw the ball at her to test if she'll share something about her experience, then I ask her for details or her thoughts and generally attempting for some screening and qualifying, as I've read on the blog.

Which brings me other questions:

• how good can actually be doing that kind of group dynamics where you integrate a brief deep dive in the group conversation?
• would I need to break from the group a while later and pull the girl along with me for some more personal chat?
• would a woman seem me as too aloof/unattainable if I did one of those brief dives into her story and then go back to paying attention to the group? (as it usually happens when more than one person is attempting to take the lead on the group topic at the same time)

 

[Flames]

It's surprisingly easy to deep dive during social circle, group things, though TBH ie only really started doing this recently. I've developed into quite a good conversationalist over the past few years. It is just practice really and recommend just being a social guy, conversing with anyone who crosses you path eveb if it's just to say good morning.

However I tend to go fairly non-verbal in large groups mainly because I prefer it 'under the radar'. I actually spent a good few months doing purely non-verbal and it's quite surprising the results you get.

 

[Light]

Which brings me other questions:
•how good can actually be doing that kind of group dynamics where you integrate a brief deep dive in the group conversation?
•would I need to break from the group a while later and pull the girl along with me for some more personal chat?
•would a woman seem me as too aloof/unattainable if I did one of those brief dives into her story and then go back to paying attention to the group? (as it usually happens when more than one person is attempting to take the lead on the group topic at the same time)

Deep diving only applies to One on One.
Reason being that most people are uncomfortable telling their stories to the mass.
Any story telling of oneself to the mass would sound like bragging or attention seeking, and is not directed to you alone.

Remember the purpose of deep diving is to connect with that person. Allowing that person to feel that you care, and that you can be trusted with her secrets.

Even if you tried to deep dive in a group, it won't work. It doesn't count as deep diving.
Its just information digging. There will be no chemistry involved.

 

[Flames]

Yeah it'd still be one on one, and it's all in the timing but you can still do it, especially on a night out situation were a lot of people tend to be talking at once.

 

[Rusty_]

Deep diving only applies to One on One.
Reason being that most people are uncomfortable telling their stories to the mass.
Any story telling of oneself to the mass would sound like bragging or attention seeking, and is not directed to you alone.

Remember the purpose of deep diving is to connect with that person. Allowing that person to feel that you care, and that you can be trusted with her secrets.

Even if you tried to deep dive in a group, it won't work. It doesn't count as deep diving.
Its just information digging. There will be no chemistry involved.

That explains why these social-oriented information digging doesn't really pull out long stories, and even though showing interest in the girl or conveying that you value what she shared via some relating, she sometimes might give you one of those girl looks, things usually just stop there..

THEN I realize I wasn't really deep diving...thanks guys