The line between not interested and overly-attached.

[HitMeNone]

First off, I read a bunch of the articles in this website and they are great, so keep up the good work!.

I am fairly experienced with seducing girls, although more in a social "college" scene, than in a cold approach.
I rotate through a few FBs usually and never really get concerned too much about females although I greatly appreciate their company.

Now to my problem.
6-7 Months ago I started hooking up with this girl that I had known for a long time. LTR-material. Slept with less <5 guys in her life. I told her immediately that I was content with having the life I do and I believed that whatever connection we formed together shouldn't interfere with other connections I have. She agreed as she had just gotten off a 5year LTR.

So we started seeing each other about once a week. Things were going great, except that she wouldn't chase me as much as other girls which I was used to. Long story short after a while we start sleeping and 2-3 months into sleeping I find myself crushing on her like a fucking little boy.

Idk what to do with myself. I do not wanna appear too eager, but I also do not wanna appear too aloof.
She is very proud and rigid so I doubt that she will put her heart on her sleeve easily.
I am trying to see her more to once or twice a week and also text / call at least twice a week. Is this overkill?

The sex is good. The emotional intimacy even better. I got to know her friends, she did mine. She had her b-day, but I just don't feel like she's this girl who fell head over heels and just starts wanting me all day every day and I absolutely hate that after I don't see her for a few days I just start thinking too much

A few weeks ago I told her "she's my priority", she said she's happy with that, although when she asked what it means, I just said Idk.
She hasn't been hinting at a relationship or asking for one, but I don't blame her given that I am sleeping with 3 other girls and she knows about it.

What's the best route of actions?

 

[HitMeNone]

bumppp

 

[foxman2]

Talking a few times a week isn't overkill. You just don't want to come off as NEEDING the relationship. This sounds a lot like you are having a power struggle with her... remember the law of least effort. You are having the conflict of wanting the relationship (neediness) and abiding by the law of least effort.

You have already won the major battle by bedding her, so I think the law of least effort applies less at this point.

She might sense that you are thinking something, but not saying it. Girls are good at picking up changes in behavior, so if you are acting different around her, she will know it. She probably wants a relationship more than you, and has given you hints and you may have missed them. Some things that are very obvious to her, can come off as extremely subtle to you.

My best advice- if you decide to make a move, do it in a strong, confident manner. You know exactly what you want, and don't hesitate or waffle. She will try to put you in a weaker position by interrogating (power struggle). Best off being more direct in this situation.

 

[HitMeNone]

Talking a few times a week isn't overkill. You just don't want to come off as NEEDING the relationship. This sounds a lot like you are having a power struggle with her... remember the law of least effort. You are having the conflict of wanting the relationship (neediness) and abiding by the law of least effort.

You have already won the major battle by bedding her, so I think the law of least effort applies less at this point.

She might sense that you are thinking something, but not saying it. Girls are good at picking up changes in behavior, so if you are acting different around her, she will know it. She probably wants a relationship more than you, and has given you hints and you may have missed them. Some things that are very obvious to her, can come off as extremely subtle to you.

My best advice- if you decide to make a move, do it in a strong, confident manner. You know exactly what you want, and don't hesitate or waffle. She will try to put you in a weaker position by interrogating (power struggle). Best off being more direct in this situation.

Thanks for the reply. She is very confusing. Sometimes she asks me to not be afraid to get emotionally attached which I've kind of implied.
Then sometimes she says to not think too much of this and the future but just live the moment.

Also as a side note she has another guy-friend who she txts with all day every day, just as if they were bf and gf.

I feel like I told her about "having multiple people in your life" and then she beat me at my own game.

 

[Light]

Instead of 3 times a week, try 2 times a week. Seeing her frequently is good if you want to make her your girl.
The key is to be really nice to her like a nice guy - but without the chasing.
You must still obey the law of least effort however.
For example, after sex, cook for her if shes at your place. etc.
Be a sweet guy, and do something special / creative for her every now and then, but don't make it a big deal.
Treat her like a special someone. She will fall emotionally regardless over time, and it will be her falling for you and not the other way round.

 

[HitMeNone]

Thanks guys, you hit some sense into me.

I was discussing it with some PUA guys and a few of them were telling me to not do much emotion related stuff, but to keep fucking her...
WHICH I THINK IS A TERRIBLE ADVICE.

Once you bed a girl, if you wanna make her fall in love with you you need to make her feel special and not like she's your 100th lay in your life and you dont give a crap about her.

EDIT: How can I obey the law of least effort though? I am almost always initiating contact. I mean if I don't put in effort she will just assume that I wanna go back to being casual.... no?

 

[Anonymous]

Have you read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida? It's a very good book on dealing with male and female relationships. One of the key points that Deida makes is about male and female polarity.

Generally, men are more goal oriented, driven and ambitious, while women tend to be more driven by love and want of intimacy (ie. relationships). This is generally speaking of course. See it more as a spectrum.

What is important, though, is that one person or the other in the relationship will always "want" the relationship more than the other. Usually, it's the woman. However, when one person animates the female polarity, the other will naturally amp up their masculine polarity. So if you are the one desiring and needing the relationship more than her, she will naturally become more masculine, that is, she will feel your desire and need, and may become more distant and put off.

Like Chase mentioned in his articles, investment is key here. It seems like you are more emotionally invested in the relationship than she is. Of course, you never know if the girl has the same feelings or even more so! She may just be concealing her feelings, in fear of appearing like "that girl", the pushy, needy, insecure attachment type.

 

[HitMeNone]

Have you read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida? It's a very good book on dealing with male and female relationships. One of the key points that Deida makes is about male and female polarity.

Generally, men are more goal oriented, driven and ambitious, while women tend to be more driven by love and want of intimacy (ie. relationships). This is generally speaking of course. See it more as a spectrum.

What is important, though, is that one person or the other in the relationship will always "want" the relationship more than the other. Usually, it's the woman. However, when one person animates the female polarity, the other will naturally amp up their masculine polarity. So if you are the one desiring and needing the relationship more than her, she will naturally become more masculine, that is, she will feel your desire and need, and may become more distant and put off.

Like Chase mentioned in his articles, investment is key here. It seems like you are more emotionally invested in the relationship than she is. Of course, you never know if the girl has the same feelings or even more so! She may just be concealing her feelings, in fear of appearing like "that girl", the pushy, needy, insecure attachment type.

I haven't. It's in my To-Do list. Right after "The Power of Now".

I understand what you're saying very well. And that's why I made this thread, because on one hand I think that I haven't shown emotion, on the other I don't wanna assume the female's role.

TBH though, I don't think I can ever fit in the female polarity, so I don't think showing emotion NOW will be bad. I am very collected, deep voice, manly man, but honestly I just believe that this chick is not feeling desired by me. (although I write all this shit down, in person I am very reserved, calm and slow confident talking.) It's like she looks up to me a bit. I bring to her peace and relaxation, but not that emotional snowball.

To parallel with "SGM" which is an amazing book. The guy explains how there needs to be domination (male polarity), but I already have that I think. I think that's my best trait right now and the one that is making her stick around. But I need to amp up the emotion if I want her brain to melt, or the girl might just go into auto-rejection.

Also the emotion has nothing to do with the relationship. You can show emotion and not want a relationship right?

 

[Garrett]

HitMeNone,

Yes, you can have emotion without wanting a relationship. You just need experience to know how far is too far, and how vulnerable to allow yourself to become. Try to avoid extremes as much as possible; balance is key. In your case, it's great you have the dominance and sexy vibe down. What you should aim for now is being a bit more warm, thoughtful, spontaneous, and in general, emotional. Let your emotional side show a bit more, and she'll melt.

I had trouble with this a while back, but I believe I've got it down now. If you're dominant, sexy, stoic, you'll attract girls, but they may not want to stick around, because you aren't taking care of their emotional needs. In order to fix this, you need to be a bit more authentic at his point, and surprise her, and start showing her that she's special and loved/cared for.

WIthout emotions, a woman isn't going to connect to you; you need emotions to establish a connection. Think about this, say you meet a girl, she's SEXY, big breasts/ass, great figure, the looks you want, and she has a cute/innocent girly vibe about her. When you hangout with her though, you just aren't feeling her as much because all she does it come over for sex and leave. She doesn't care to get to know YOU, your wants, desires, aspirations, etc. Okay, maybe not the best example, because a lot of guys would still go for that, but I'm trying to affirm how essential it is to connect to people. Girls are typically more emotional creatures, so if you aren't taking care of their emotions, the attraction will dry up and she may grow distant because you're too cold. Keep in mind, auto-rejection is only when you haven't slept with her, you don't need to worry about this once you've slept with her.

So in my opinion, warm things up a bit, but just a bit, and don't go overboard and text her everyday, all the time. You've slept with her as others have mentioned, so you're past the big hump, now you can start being a bit more authentic. Make sure to keep all options around, as you seem REALLY into this girl, but you are hiding your feelings, and she's probably sensing this and is going on the defensive until you start opening up a bit more/being warmer. Perhaps she's experiencing buyer's remorse as a result of you masking your emotions, so try to GRADUALLY become warmer as you continue seeing her.

Hope that helped,
Garrett

 

[HitMeNone]

HitMeNone,

Yes, you can have emotion without wanting a relationship. You just need experience to know how far is too far, and how vulnerable to allow yourself to become. Try to avoid extremes as much as possible; balance is key. In your case, it's great you have the dominance and sexy vibe down. What you should aim for now is being a bit more warm, thoughtful, spontaneous, and in general, emotional. Let your emotional side show a bit more, and she'll melt.

I had trouble with this a while back, but I believe I've got it down now. If you're dominant, sexy, stoic, you'll attract girls, but they may not want to stick around, because you aren't taking care of their emotional needs. In order to fix this, you need to be a bit more authentic at his point, and surprise her, and start showing her that she's special and loved/cared for.

WIthout emotions, a woman isn't going to connect to you; you need emotions to establish a connection. Think about this, say you meet a girl, she's SEXY, big breasts/ass, great figure, the looks you want, and she has a cute/innocent girly vibe about her. When you hangout with her though, you just aren't feeling her as much because all she does it come over for sex and leave. She doesn't care to get to know YOU, your wants, desires, aspirations, etc. Okay, maybe not the best example, because a lot of guys would still go for that, but I'm trying to affirm how essential it is to connect to people. Girls are typically more emotional creatures, so if you aren't taking care of their emotions, the attraction will dry up and she may grow distant because you're too cold. Keep in mind, auto-rejection is only when you haven't slept with her, you don't need to worry about this once you've slept with her.

So in my opinion, warm things up a bit, but just a bit, and don't go overboard and text her everyday, all the time. You've slept with her as others have mentioned, so you're past the big hump, now you can start being a bit more authentic. Make sure to keep all options around, as you seem REALLY into this girl, but you are hiding your feelings, and she's probably sensing this and is going on the defensive until you start opening up a bit more/being warmer. Perhaps she's experiencing buyer's remorse as a result of you masking your emotions, so try to GRADUALLY become warmer as you continue seeing her.

Hope that helped,
Garrett

I wish there was a like button.

And yeah, that's why I like certain forums. You see "I KNOW" all this, but sometimes "I FORGET". Idk if that made sense.

I am trying to text AT LEAST once in 2 days.
Yesterday I send something like "Can't wait to smell your soft skin tomorrow". she said she cant wait to grab my ass.
Today she asked me if I was gonna pick her up in exchange for a massage (our usual deal ). I said -I will, massage or no massage : )- to which I got an aww... she obv gave me a massage ;P. I told her a few times that I care about her in a simple way and during sex I had a lot more "Tell me that you want me" "I want you too baby", kind of thing, rather than more dominating language like I usually use.

Also, yes moderation (I hope the above sounds moderate... I think it's sweet borderline). Tomorrow she said she was invited to a "group date". I told her to come over for a few hours if she wants instead (in a nonchalant way) and we ll think about something cool to do. I think I am just gonna get her a stuffed animal and we're gonna sew our "pet nicknames" that we give each other to it.

Honestly, I just think sometimes I get too in my head and it's nice to share with people who are unaffected.