This Sucks!

[Anonymous]

Alright so I feel like crap right now.... tonight I was out to dinner at an Asian buffet with friends tonight and see two real cute girls who work there as a hostess. I promise myself to get started in this journey that if I could get myself to just ask them for their numbers or just get their numbers I'll be at a good start to get rid all of my ambitions. But I flaked out. I chickened out. My pride got hurt more than my comfort by taking the easy way out. I don't know why I was so petrified by her. She was right there when I was paying and all I had to do was to ask her for her name and introduce myself say I thought she was real cute and ask her for her number. That was it. That's all I had to do. But for some reason I could get my mouth to say those words. I keep thinking in my head that it sounded stupid and how embarrassing I would be in. I've never been much of a conversationalist or a charmer or a talker. And it wasn't even about the DATE. All I had to do was to get a number and call it a night of victory. Instead I am back at home feeling sorry for my stupid self. Yes I am beating myself up hard so I don't be a wussy next time I am out. But why am I like this? I've always been so afraid of girls or to ask them out or to show interest in them so that they would even know that I am interested. Why am I so scared to mess up. The easy way would be just to forget this whole thing and enjoy my life in other areas but I want to be better at this so that I would be a LOT HAPPIER with myself. Like for example I had this girl in my dorm one time and she was lying in my bed.... my roommate was not there... I couldn't get myself to freaking cuddle with her let alone have sex that night. I blew it big time. Why can I do to fix myself. I'm sick of reading all these great theory's and articles but I cannot get myself to put those ideas in action in myself. Please help with any advice or if you were once like this and like myself. This will be my new year's resolution. To get better....

Much thanks.

 

[almosteasy21]

Wilfred, I'm in the same boat you are in when it comes to cold approaching girls. When I'm in its a slam dunk most times but the approach is really difficult. What I recently did was took that feeling you just had and embraced it. I Told myself I never wanted to feel that dissapointment in myself again. We will get better if we keep at it.

 

[Kyuu]

Hey Wilfred,

Sorry to hear about your trouble Wilf, been there, done that. It may not sound encouraging or helpful, but really the only thing to do is to just do it.
Don't worry too much about this one night, with the one girl. If you get hung up on this mistake or that mistake, you're going to make more mistakes, and you'll get hung up on those too.
It's best to just get it over with. Take the plunge. Ask for her number, or a date, or if she wants to go to your place. No? Move on, there's plenty more, and you'll feel sooo much better about yourself. Better to do, regret, and learn, then not do, still regret, and learn nothing. But if she says yes...

And the easiest and hardest part of it is just doing it. It's best to not even think about it, if it's possible. Whenever you're in a situation that you're thinking really negatively about the outcome, just stop, tell yourself,convince yourself, that you know what to do, and that if you don't do it, you are completely and utterly a pussy. If you can actually do that and be okay with it, then you shouldn't be trying to pick girls up in the first place. You're not a pussy Wilf. Just. Do it.

Hope I was of service. ~Kyuu

 

[Little Jester]

I can relate to this so well. Both the approach and getting physical anxieties, while talking in between seems to be no real problem though.
It's taken me 6 months to finally sort of be awakened... (which kinda happened like last month and now I'm improving very quickly)

The root problem for me was not wanting to look bad or get myself in a bad spot after I take action and that let to some unhealthy mind loops whenever an opportunity presented itself.
To fix it, it was a combination of Chase's advise to force your thought process to a simple : "Yes, I'm going to do it; or No, I'm not going to do it". And ignore all the rest. This is to help you act on the opportunity.
The other thing was to reprogram some of my fears beforehand, kinda by meta'ing the scenarios as they pop up:
- "I'm here doing what everyone else is doing too" (when picking up girls at a party for example)
- "I'm in a place where I don't know anyone. If I fuck up, no one at home, at my job or my friends are going to laugh at me" (When I'm out alone hitting on girls)
- "She is flirting with me, so she must be after the same thing as I am, but a man needs to take action so I can't wait for her" (Whenever I hold strong eye contact or see a girl shy away from my eyes while she's playing with her hair)

Stuff like that... Oh and when it comes to touching I was reading about those feel good hormones that unleash when you touch people (anyone have the article on that, I can't find it).So it makes you and her feel good when you do. So now I no longer see touching to be something I want to be afraid off, or think is weird. Instead I finally reworded that in my head as a tool I can use to comfort myself and the girl and get to enjoy things much more.

tonight I was out to dinner at an Asian buffet with friends tonigh.

You were out with friends. That's a big leap to throw yourself into action in front of your friends. I'd strongly advise to go out alone, so you can get more experience first. Sooner or later you do it while your friends are near too, only because you have build up comfort in what you are doing. But going at it alone first, really made things easier for me.

 

[PinotNoir]

Read this article; it will help you start changing your mind:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/threats-and-opportunities-difference-these-make-seduction

You know I feel the same way, and I've just now started getting better at cold approaches. I'm still an amateur, but working on it.

Something I first started doing was placing bets with my friends. If you go out with guy friends a lot, this is a great way to get your feet wet. I bet my friends $5 or just a beer that I can get a phone number or talk to 3 girls or something else. In fact, just at a recent new year's party, I bet my best friend $5 for the person who got the most phone numbers and $10 for the person to kiss the most girls. I lost, but hey, I still felt like a winner after getting phone numbers! And another time, he was the one that had to buy me beers. If you're low on money, just keep it cheap. You may lose money the first couple of times, but after that, believe me you'll want to stop losing money.

If I'm going out alone, another tactic I use at bars is to begin by talking with guys. It's super easy to cold approach a guy, no anxiety or worries. Just go up to the bar and ask a guy what he ordered or ask him if his beer is good or whatever. Then after I'm warmed up socially, I start talking with ladies. Now this can have a bad side effect if you approach the women like you approached the guys. It's strictly to warm you up socially, not practice for how to approach women.

I'll tell you my best friend is the master when it comes to courage. If we're out on a business lunch with coworkers and the waitress is hot, he immediately starts conversing with her and then asks her out towards the middle or end of the lunch. He has no "shame." If a girl says no, it's nothing. And you know what? It really is nothing. If it goes bad, it's forgotten in a few days. If it goes well, then he's remembered for it for a month or longer. Just talk to her normally and then pop the question after it feels less awkward and uncomfortable. And worst-case scenario, you can leave your phone number, but I don't recommend this; leaving your phone number works like 1 out of 10 times, and it doesn't really help your courage.

The good thing is that the more you do it the easier it gets. You will never get 100% no's if you approach 10+ women. Some women will do it just out of kindness, and you can use that momentum to keep going. It'd be good to also read about openers, to get your opening game really tight so that there is less worry. But even if it isn't tight, just say something! You can do it man; I guarantee it.

 

[Penguin]

Wilfred,
What you need to understand is the feeling of regret from not trying to approach beautiful women is a million times worse than the feeling of rejection. Here's an example to illustrate:

Three weeks ago I was in a nightclub with some new friends, and one of their friends was a hot girl who seemed interested in me. She smiled at me and seemed to be waiting in my proximity for me to start talking to her. I failed to approach soon enough, and by the time I eventually did she had lost attraction for me as I didn't seem like a sexy powerful guy who knows what he wants and goes to get it straight away. When I got back home, I was kicking myself and felt the same way that you described.

Next time I went out to a nightclub, I knew I never wanted to feel that way again so I built up social momentum with friends and acquaintances before forcing myself to approach all of the girls that I wanted to approach. One of them completely ignored me and wouldn't turn to face me or say anything so I just turned back to my friend who had been watching, smiled in an amused way like she was a weirdo and shrugged it off. I went for the next approach soon after with an even more attractive girl and progressed into deep-diving. In the end I left with the satisfaction of having given it 100%. I was glad to have tried out some new techniques and have some scenarios to analyse so that my approaches will be even better next time. Best of all, I got a date set-up for next week.

A lot of people say "Just do it" and they'd be correct, but it's easier said than done, especially for people like me who have more anxious personalities. Here's a psychological trick that I use to do the approach. I heard that it is used for some people who are about to bungee jump to stop them from stalling. You say in your head "I'm going to count down from 10 and when I get to 1 I have to approach the girl". The trick is that when you get to around 8 you just walk up to the girl and open her. Since you never get to 1, there isn't an opportunity to stall, and the act of counting down blocks out any self-defeating excuses which could arise.

Try this out next time- Social momentum and the countdown trick.

 

[Light]

I only have one simple advise:

Stop Thinking... and Start DOING!

When you start thinking "how to do this, or what if..." that is it, your fear will get the better of you.
Don't even think about it, just say what you have to say and do what you have to do.

 

[Anonymous]

I just want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to write your helpful advice. I took the time to read each and every one of them and re-read them. It has really helped me. I will keep these things in mind the next time I am out. Thank you.