Tinder: girl explaining why she won't give her number. Solutions?

[Lover]

Short backstory: matched with her some time ago, got a feeling of the vibe (it was playful) and asked for number (didn't set up a date beforehand). She ignored me, but didn't unmatch.

I let it cool down for a week before trying to get the conversation going again. She replied. I joked that I was starting to like her, but now she was misbehaving. And then she sent me this one:

You have to understand. Last time I gave my number to somebody on Tinder, he requested nudes. He finally understood after my third rejection and some insults.

What I understood from this text: she hates guys who keeps asking her for impersonal requests (e.g. nudes to a stranger she hasn't met before), and she had no ways of blocking him like she'd be able to on a social media app. I can understand the frustration and hesistation to give out her number again to online strangers, but I have to admit, I'm surprised she'd go this far to actually tell me this. I take it as a sign she actually wants something to happen, but she wants it on her terms as much as possible.

I have been in doubt how to move past this. I want to respect and acknowledge her concerns, but I don't want to be doormat about it. I don't use social media apps (besides Facebook for my Tinder account) and can't offer any other option. I decided to go this way about it:

It doesn't surprise me.. I've heard about it from friends before

We can make an agreement that we exchange numbers, but cut all contact if one of us should want it

I'm not sure what to expect. I think it's too soon to make agreements like this with somebody I haven't met before. But now that it's done, I'm hoping to convey a message that this will satisfy us both. And if one of us thinks the other is being annoying (the bad way), we can be upfront about it and simply say "fuck you, I don't want to keep in touch with you anymore. Thanks for everything, and goodbye!".

The thing I like the most about my respons, is that it is short and to the point.

If any of you would have handled this differently, let me know!

Ajay

 

[lostnumber]

Yes, I would have handled this very differently.

She didnt want to give you her number not because she wasn't interested in you, but because she had a very bad experience. You are taking the path of greatest resistance here by trying to get it anyway, and you aren't doing it in a particularly smooth way either.

This is a perfect example of why I advocate asking for the date first. If she says yes to the idea of meeting up then rejects you on the number you can simply coordinate via Tinder. Not ideal, but very workable if a girl is into you. My last serious girlfriend had an objection exactly like this to giving out her number, but it was easy to work around because she'd already agreed we should meet. We simply coordinated the date via tinder and then I got her number within 10 minutes of meeting her

Anyway, your response is bad because you arent keeping it playful, nor are you really giving her a concrete solution. The entire reason she doesn't want to give the number is that you can't "unmatch" someone once they have your phone, and she had a bad experience. You are telling her "Dont worry, I won't be a crazy psycho liar!" Which is exactly what a crazy psycho liar would say, and its very easy to lie on the Internet. She probably thought the last guy was cool too.

Not to mention that you are putting yourself sooooo far in relationship territory with this kind of white knight message. You are essentially saying "I'm safe, and not edgy or dangerous, so dont worry." That MIGHT make her feel more comfortable, but its certainly not sexy.

I would have flipped the paradigm around on her with something like this:
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I hate it when girls start asking me for nudes and won't take no for an answer"

That acknowledges her concern while still being playful and sexy, and creates a frame of me being a sexy man that women find desirable. And then depending on her response to that I might have asked for the number in a suave way, or more likely just worked on setting up the date.

 

[Lover]

Thanks for your fast reply, lostnumber. Maybe I should ask for the advice before texting anything in doubtful situations haha!

I would have flipped the paradigm around on her with something like this:
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I hate it when girls start asking me for nudes and won't take no for an answer"

I'll be honest and say I did consider something like this. I didn't because I didn't feel like that was the kind of answer she wanted at that point. There were no green lights after I asked for the number. Oh well, I hadn't considered the benefits and maintainance of the overall frame. I'll let that be a lesson for next time.

@ everything else you wrote: Were you a girl once?? I get the feeling you understand the female psyche too well. You have been very thorough in your break down!

I'll let you know how this one turns out either way.

 

[Big Daddy]

She didnt want to give you her number not because she wasn't interested in you, but because she had a very bad experience. You are taking the path of greatest resistance here by trying to get it anyway, and you aren't doing it in a particularly smooth way either.

In thins case I completely agree with you. I've done it before... actually, I asked for number after she agreed on the date. She'd only be in town for 2 or 3 days and didn't reply for the first whole day. Normally I'd wait more, but since it had a urgency aspect the following day I sent:

Me: ooor we could stay here, no prob. just thought it'd be easier to have number in case we need to call each other to find ourselves.
Her: Here works for me

Then I set up the date. Goal should be reduce friction as much as possible.

Btw that girl that I mentioned last time just agreed to go on a date I'm shamelessly copying your micro-story stuff and it works quite well, number before or after date.

I would have flipped the paradigm around on her with something like this:
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I hate it when girls start asking me for nudes and won't take no for an answer"

This is great.

EDIT: Just something to keep in mind. Depending on the case you might have to some more explaining (exaggerating that you're a super psycho is great and all, but "behind every joke there's a grain of truth"... specially over text with a girl whose face you never saw). Hector talks about it on a video, search it on YouTube. It wasn't this case, but if it were, I'd say something like:

I asked for it because I feel theres a lesser chance of you (give small explanation but frame it strongly; also flip it on her) being a psycho, but let's be mysterious then (keep it playful, smiley optional)

PS: you guys know that you can block call/texts from a certain number right? I would even bring it up on the date for extra playfulness.

 

[lostnumber]

Thanks for your fast reply, lostnumber. Maybe I should ask for the advice before texting anything in doubtful situations haha!

I would have flipped the paradigm around on her with something like this:
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I hate it when girls start asking me for nudes and won't take no for an answer"

I'll be honest and say I did consider something like this. I didn't because I didn't feel like that was the kind of answer she wanted at that point. There were no green lights after I asked for the number. Oh well, I hadn't considered the benefits and maintainance of the overall frame. I'll let that be a lesson for next time.

@ everything else you wrote: Were you a girl once?? I get the feeling you understand the female psyche too well. You have been very thorough in your break down!

I'll let you know how this one turns out either way.

Happy to help! I've never been a girl to the best of my knowledge, but the online dating/Tinder scene is really my specialty so I do know a thing or two.

Its very possible the girl wouldn't have responded to the frame I gave you, but at that point its likely a lost cause and you should take that as a cue to abort mission.

Most guys on Tinder either take it too far (Omg ur hot. DTF??) or aren't aggressive enough because they are afraid that the girl will turn them down, which I think was your mistake.

Its sort of like a girl at a bar who won't move anywhere with you; yes you could keep the conversation going longer by platonically standing there and talking about the weather, but you aren't going to get laid by doing that.

The beauty of Tinder is that all the awkward rejection and in-person embarrassment you might feel in a live social setting is gone, and if someone doesn't respond or shoots you down its a press of a button to move on to the next prospect

Aim for smooth and playful, with just a tiny dash of sexy thrown in and you'll be Golden.

 

[lostnumber]

Btw that girl that I mentioned last time just agreed to go on a date I'm shamelessly copying your micro-story stuff and it works quite well, number before or after date.

^_-

Now my challenge to you is to come up with something completely original using the same principles, use it, and then share it with the community.

You'll feel better for writing your own material and it'll stretch your brain in a good way