Went through my girlfriend’s phone and now I’m sorta traumatised

[Huge Jack Man]

I have been sleeping with this girl since early December last year but I only officially made her my girlfriend about a week ago. We initially planned on being FWBs but I got to know her more and actually started to like her but didn’t make it exclusive until recently. Before we first hooked up, I knew that she had been matching with guys on dating apps and slept with a few of them. I know this because she told me earlier on and I had been doing same. I realised that after our second link up, she started getting quite attached (which I realised most girls have been doing with me ever since I started improving my game, thanks to Chase). She constantly FaceTimed me on days we weren’t meeting and we could spend most part on the phone and sometimes even would go to bed together on FaceTime (corny shit I know). She would rush to my place at every free time she got just to fuck and spend time with me. Before the end of December, she proposed that we make it official but I told her I would like to not have any labels on it yet but still get to know each other more. We agreed to not be talking to other people but focus on getting to know each other more but not have labels yet (my idea). Looking at her investment in the relationship (trying to get me to meet her family earlier on, constantly trying to see me, making plans with me, randomly asking me when I was gonna make it official, all very earlier on after the second link up) I figured she meant it and I wasn’t really surprised because again, after improving my game, it became common that girls would try to lock me up in a relationship after the first or second hookup. But I actually liked this one and I also started getting bored of the random hookups (I guess a part of me craved monogamy).

Fast forward to now, after looking at her investments and how much she would try to not make me wander off (a few times that could have happened), I decided hell why not. Lemme give this relationship thing a try. So I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes (like she had a choice ). A couple of days ago, my curiosity got the best part of me and I went through her phone while she wasn’t around (I know that is a big NO NO but I just had a strong urge to). I found out that she had been flirting with some guys she used to sleep with during the time she told me she stopped talking to them to focus on us. She even sent a few of them pics (some nude ones but they were old nudes that she took before she even met me) during the time she was investing her time and energy in me.

I asked her a couple days ago after seeing the messages that was she in contact with any of her past hookups and she said no. I think I’m mostly surprised that she would lie about not talking to other people and also how badly she made it sound like those past hookups were and how unattractive they were so like why was she still flirting with them and sending them pics? And now all my anxieties about being monogamous are coming back and it’s making me feel so shitty. I can tell it’s bad because I couldn’t get hard much last night as we fucked and I just blamed it on being sick. I constantly feel nauseous and can’t get the thoughts out of my mind. I’m constantly scared that the relationship will end now that I know that all these guys were around and I can’t confront her about it due to how I found out and honestly, I don’t even want to because it’s just gonna make me come off as controlling. I wouldn’t have been as bothered if she was honest about it because we were obviously not official. With the relationship being this fresh, I don’t even want to cause much drama already and idk I have a feeling that maybe they’ll all just fall off down the line as the relationship progresses. Maybe I took too long to make it official. It would have been a different case if I made her my girlfriend last year and she had this communication with them.

It’s not helping that lately she’s hinted a few times that our relationship feels a bit too easy like we are so in sync. I try to sprinkle in some uncertainty and do new stuff with her so that boredom doesn’t creep in too early but knowing what I know now kinda makes that “it’s a bit too easy” comment worsen my anxiety.

 

[empath]

Similar case as my gf. She was not hooking up with random guys but was talking her ex.

Lied to me about it caught her red handed few times.

Only thing was I was willing to walk away from the relationship and she knew about it.

I used to go to her place so I told her I am going to my place when I found out.

She needed to clam me and I didn't had sex with her.

Basically if you want to talk to someone else you are not getting my dick XD.

Finally she gave up.

Only difference was she was the who locked me down in the relationship.

I never said it explicitly till 2 months.

So, basically she had to won me.

Also, I kept expressing my desire to meet other women.

You can try catching her red handed.

Stop giving her sex.

Lets see if she straighten up, if don't you need to find another girl.

Key is you need to communicate you became exclusive only for her well being.

You are still in demand.

She needs to win you back now.

You are willing to walk away if she doesn't change her

But you need to communicate this in a warm way like to a child whom you love but need to discipline as well.

 

[Huge Jack Man]

Similar case as my gf. She was not hooking up with random guys but was talking her ex.

Lied to me about it caught her red handed few times.

Only thing was I was willing to walk away from the relationship and she knew about it.

I used to go to her place so I told her I am going to my place when I found out.

She needed to clam me and I didn't had sex with her.

Basically if you want to talk to someone else you are not getting my dick XD.

Finally she gave up.

Only difference was she was the who locked me down in the relationship.

I never said it explicitly till 2 months.

So, basically she had to won me.

Also, I kept expressing my desire to meet other women.

You can try catching her red handed.

Stop giving her sex.

Lets see if she straighten up, if don't you need to find another girl.

Key is you need to communicate you became exclusive only for her well being.

You are still in demand.

She needs to win you back now.

You are willing to walk away if she doesn't change her

But you need to communicate this in a warm way like to a child whom you love but need to discipline as well.

But how do I catch her red handed? She doesn’t know I know the code to her phone

 

[empath]

Ohh what happened with me is she tried to quickly the phone and I saw that.

I pestered until she showed me. First time this happened was when we were on a trip.

What you can do is bring up the topic casually ... She will say no to it then say what are you hiding... She will say nothing and accuse her.

Mostly girl end up coughing all out. If pestered enough.

To make it work more nicely either do it after sex when she craves ur affection and withdraw your affection if she doesn't show it.

(My girl needed to be cared like baby after sex.... God I am missing caring for her)


Or do it in a public where she is stuck with you if you have her friends in front her she doesn't want any drama more better.

You will need to time things right.

Fuck writing this brought back all sweet memories feeling bitter sweet now.

 

[gameboy]

So she committed a trust violation taking to other dudes she shagged before. You also committed a trust violating by checking her phone. I believe I once read somewhere that nothing good can ever come from checking your partner's phone.

In a sense, one could almost say that the two of you are even...

I understand though how this is traumatizing for you. I don't really know what to advise you, except this: Don't do anything rash! Also, don't call her out in front off her friends. That's terrible advice.

One idea I'm having: She was talking to other dudes before you "made it official". Also, these were old dudes not new dudes apparently... so in her mind probably "doesn't count"?

You could give it a bit of time to see how the relationship develops. Screen her for unconstructive behaviours now that you two are official. And see how you feel about being together with her.

I wish I could give better advice but honestly I'm a bit at a loss here. Maybe some more people can chime in.

 

[Huge Jack Man]

You could give it a bit of time to see how the relationship develops. Screen her for unconstructive behaviours now that you two are official. And see how you feel about being together with her.

Yeahh I think that’s what I’ll do. Give it a bit of time. I feel like it has tipped the power a bit in her balance though because now I feel out of control and always suspicious.
What are the unconstructive behaviours btw?

 

[empath]

Yeah I was not clear in my advice about calling out in front of her friends.

You don't want to call out when everyone is listening but more like I want to see phone and escalate further when she alone.

Like when you are on a trip or something.

You discuss this in private then don't engage her and only engage her friends.

Kinda giving her a silent treatment.

Also, make it clear that you are angry but you will discuss more when alone with her not infront of everyone.

Idk how to put it but use social pressure in someway.

 

[Will_V]

I have been sleeping with this girl since early December last year but I only officially made her my girlfriend about a week ago. We initially planned on being FWBs but I got to know her more and actually started to like her but didn’t make it exclusive until recently. Before we first hooked up, I knew that she had been matching with guys on dating apps and slept with a few of them. I know this because she told me earlier on and I had been doing same. I realised that after our second link up, she started getting quite attached (which I realised most girls have been doing with me ever since I started improving my game, thanks to Chase). She constantly FaceTimed me on days we weren’t meeting and we could spend most part on the phone and sometimes even would go to bed together on FaceTime (corny shit I know). She would rush to my place at every free time she got just to fuck and spend time with me. Before the end of December, she proposed that we make it official but I told her I would like to not have any labels on it yet but still get to know each other more. We agreed to not be talking to other people but focus on getting to know each other more but not have labels yet (my idea). Looking at her investment in the relationship (trying to get me to meet her family earlier on, constantly trying to see me, making plans with me, randomly asking me when I was gonna make it official, all very earlier on after the second link up) I figured she meant it and I wasn’t really surprised because again, after improving my game, it became common that girls would try to lock me up in a relationship after the first or second hookup. But I actually liked this one and I also started getting bored of the random hookups (I guess a part of me craved monogamy).

Fast forward to now, after looking at her investments and how much she would try to not make me wander off (a few times that could have happened), I decided hell why not. Lemme give this relationship thing a try. So I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes (like she had a choice ). A couple of days ago, my curiosity got the best part of me and I went through her phone while she wasn’t around (I know that is a big NO NO but I just had a strong urge to). I found out that she had been flirting with some guys she used to sleep with during the time she told me she stopped talking to them to focus on us. She even sent a few of them pics (some nude ones but they were old nudes that she took before she even met me) during the time she was investing her time and energy in me.

I asked her a couple days ago after seeing the messages that was she in contact with any of her past hookups and she said no. I think I’m mostly surprised that she would lie about not talking to other people and also how badly she made it sound like those past hookups were and how unattractive they were so like why was she still flirting with them and sending them pics? And now all my anxieties about being monogamous are coming back and it’s making me feel so shitty. I can tell it’s bad because I couldn’t get hard much last night as we fucked and I just blamed it on being sick. I constantly feel nauseous and can’t get the thoughts out of my mind. I’m constantly scared that the relationship will end now that I know that all these guys were around and I can’t confront her about it due to how I found out and honestly, I don’t even want to because it’s just gonna make me come off as controlling. I wouldn’t have been as bothered if she was honest about it because we were obviously not official. With the relationship being this fresh, I don’t even want to cause much drama already and idk I have a feeling that maybe they’ll all just fall off down the line as the relationship progresses. Maybe I took too long to make it official. It would have been a different case if I made her my girlfriend last year and she had this communication with them.

It’s not helping that lately she’s hinted a few times that our relationship feels a bit too easy like we are so in sync. I try to sprinkle in some uncertainty and do new stuff with her so that boredom doesn’t creep in too early but knowing what I know now kinda makes that “it’s a bit too easy” comment worsen my anxiety.

OK first thing to do is let things settle in your mind for a few days and not let emotions run wild. Bad moves in relationships are always driven by anxiety and neediness which is always the impulse when faced with the possibility of it coming to an end.

When something very negative happens in my relationships first thing I do is start going back in history and thinking over things carefully. For 2 reasons: 1) it takes me out of the immediate situation and its emotions and 2) problems always start a long time before they come to fruition, and until you find the source the chances of fixing it, if that's possible, are pretty much nil.

The first thing that struck me is that she wanted the relationship for a long time but you perhaps made things too easy for her. You emphasized not putting a label on it but in reality the crucial aspect is exclusivity. Every woman knows that a guy who is exclusive to her is dependent on her, for sex obviously and, over time, emotionally as well. A woman doesn't care what something is called, she cares whether she is your one and only source of female validation, because that is where she has the power in the relationship. So that is the last thing you give up along the process of developing a monogamous relationship.

Secondly, I don't see much of her having to jump through any hoops or prove herself to you. Constantly facetiming you and going to sleep on facetime together is NOT her proving herself to you but you giving her exactly what she wants. Instead, she needs to prove herself by:

- Doing things for you
- Giving up things for you
- Following your lead and directions
- Finding ways to improve your life without being asked
- Adapting in every possible way to your lifestyle

The main thing women want is attention, it is your most valuable commodity in a relationship. Her proving herself means her doing things to please you and toeing the line even when your attention is at a minimum, that is real investment for a woman. But it looks like you showered her with attention for very little in return. Hence it's not surprising she thinks the whole thing was easy and is perhaps not as excited or invested as you would like.

As for her sending nudes to exes while you are supposed to be exclusive, here's the way I look at it: you have to ask yourself, and very honestly answer, a simple question: can you trust her again or not?

If the answer is 'no' then it doesn't matter about anything else, who did what wrong or whatever. Because if you can't trust a woman the relationship is already dead, no matter how long you try to stretch it out for. You won't be happy, she won't be happy, and things will never click.

If the answer is 'yes' or 'possibly', then you need to figure out why things happened the way they did and how you can prevent it from happening again. In this scenario you will probably have some idea of her reasoning that led to it and a way of making sure she doesn't follow that line of reasoning in a similar situation. If you don't have any idea of her reasoning or a specific set of circumstances that can be avoided, let's face it your positive response to the above question is probably not honest.

Right now you're going through the emotional 'shock' of a possible betrayal, I suggest spending a few days just focusing on strengthening yourself and your lifestyle until you have a definitive answer to the above question.

As for the question of confronting her with it, well let's play that out: what is she going to say? Is there any answer that would make you go 'oh ok I didn't realize, that makes total sense now'? One of the critical aspects of leadership is being able to act unilaterally with initiative, without having to operate in reaction to what other people do or say, or even with their awareness. A leader always knows things that other people don't know, or that they don't know he knows, and he may never be able to let them on as he goes about making critical decisions.

Remember it is your life to live as you wish, you should never take advice just because someone told you to. Sometimes a particular thing simply needs to be experienced even if it's not the best path. But whatever you do, make sure you have reasons that are very solid for you, so that whatever happens at least you are always true to yourself and progress along the path of your own development.

 

[Huge Jack Man]

Secondly, I don't see much of her having to jump through any hoops or prove herself to you. Constantly facetiming you and going to sleep on facetime together is NOT her proving herself to you but you giving her exactly what she wants. Instead, she needs to prove herself by:

- Doing things for you
- Giving up things for you
- Following your lead and directions
- Finding ways to improve your life without being asked
- Adapting in every possible way to your lifestyle

Your reply has made me realise that yeah I may have made it quite easy for her. I just didn’t think I needed her to do much for me because I am quite independent. But I can understand how that can make things feel easy for her. She has used those words exactly that with me she doesn’t feel the need to “prove herself” to me and I honestly that meant she was comfortable which I thought was a good thing but I can see that I probably did it too much. Can you please elaborate on specific things to do to get her to prove herself to me? What sort of things do I make her do for me? What things do I make her give up on? What sort of leads or directions exactly am I to give on what? How to get her to find ways to improve my life? (Because as I said, I tend to feel quite independent). How do I do all these naturally into the relationship to make it look like I haven’t changed because I feel like it might come of as strange since initially I wasn’t asking for much but now I am

Thank you for your reply. It calmed me down a lot more

 

[Huge Jack Man]

As for her sending nudes to exes while you are supposed to be exclusive, here's the way I look at it: you have to ask yourself, and very honestly answer, a simple question: can you trust her again or not?

If the answer is 'no' then it doesn't matter about anything else, who did what wrong or whatever. Because if you can't trust a woman the relationship is already dead, no matter how long you try to stretch it out for. You won't be happy, she won't be happy, and things will never click.

If the answer is 'yes' or 'possibly', then you need to figure out why things happened the way they did and how you can prevent it from happening again. In this scenario you will probably have some idea of her reasoning that led to it and a way of making sure she doesn't follow that line of reasoning in a similar situation. If you don't have any idea of her reasoning or a specific set of circumstances that can be avoided, let's face it your positive response to the above question is probably not honest.

I have been thinking about this a lot and I truly think that I might be able to trust her again depending on how invested I see she gets. If I see that she’s putting in a lot of effort to make things work, I won’t be as bothered because yeah those guys were before I made things exclusive and it could be that she kept them around for various reasons. Probably not confident that I will take things further

 

[Atlas IV]

She constantly FaceTimed me on days we weren’t meeting and we could spend most part on the phone and sometimes even would go to bed together on FaceTime (corny shit I know). She would rush to my place at every free time she got just to fuck and spend time with me.

Did you ever decline her Facetimes and say that you were busy? How did she react? Were you ever afraid to do so knowing that it might cause her to get upset?

Sounds like you gave her a lot of freedom and control, basically full-time access to you - which might be a piece of this puzzle. Perhaps you didn't set enough boundaries, and she grew bored and complacent, and so her mind began to wander to the other guys.

 

[Huge Jack Man]

Did you ever decline her Facetimes and say that you were busy? How did she react? Were you ever afraid to do so knowing that it might cause her to get upset?

Sounds like you gave her a lot of freedom and control, basically full-time access to you - which might be a piece of this puzzle. Perhaps you didn't set enough boundaries, and she grew bored and complacent, and so her mind began to wander to the other guys.

I never declined her calls because I just wanted her to feel comfortable enough but i guess I over did. Yeahh I guess I didn’t set enough boundaries. But will it be okay if I set them now? How can I do it now so that it doesn’t come off as weird since I never used to do that. And what boundaries exactly am I to set?

 

[Atlas IV]

I never declined her calls because I just wanted her to feel comfortable enough but i guess I over did. Yeahh I guess I didn’t set enough boundaries. But will it be okay if I set them now? How can I do it now so that it doesn’t come off as weird since I never used to do that. And what boundaries exactly am I to set?

You could try easing into it, progressively making yourself less and less available and seeing how she reacts.

But this is why setting boundaries from the beginning is so important. As you say, you've already set the precedent of being super available to her, so it's not going to be easy to change that. Expect some drama from her (which might actually be exactly what she's craving).

 

[Huge Jack Man]

You could try easing into it, progressively making yourself less and less available and seeing how she reacts.

But this is why setting boundaries from the beginning is so important. As you say, you've already set the precedent of being super available to her, so it's not going to be easy to change that. Expect some drama from her (which might actually be exactly what she's craving).

Okay then imma implement that. I have a slight fear that the fact that these exes still around, she will probably not care if I withdraw but ig this is the test that if she actually wants me and wants this to work, she will try and work things out and not run to them

 

[gameboy]

Her saying "it's east" is a huge warning sign in my opinion. She is essentially devalueing the relationship.

Like others have said, you have been way to available.

You say you are independent, but facetiming your girl every single day is anything but. Even if she initiates. How will you feel the day she doesnt call you and isnt available for you to call her?

If you want so continue this relationship you need to pull back and be less available.

I wouldn't tell her you checked her phone. Instead, if/when she calls you out, tell her that her saying "it was easy" has made you doubt the decision of commiting to her.

Another question, did you actually have other options when you got together with her? Because she obviously did.

I'm not saying end it. But be willing to walk away if necessary.

 

[Atlas IV]

Okay then imma implement that. I have a slight fear that the fact that these exes still around, she will probably not care if I withdraw but ig this is the test that if she actually wants me and wants this to work, she will try and work things out and not run to them

If she runs to them at the first sign of trouble, then you'll know that she was never that serious about you and the relationship.

Also, I'm speaking from experience here. I made the exact same mistake with my last LTR. We would Facetime twice a day every day for months. When I started feeling like it was a waste of time and began to reduce the call frequency, massive drama ensued. It was a fucking mess. I'll never set a precedent like that again.

Remember that, as the man, it's YOU who decides the terms of the relationship.

 

[Will_V]

Your reply has made me realise that yeah I may have made it quite easy for her. I just didn’t think I needed her to do much for me because I am quite independent. But I can understand how that can make things feel easy for her. She has used those words exactly that with me she doesn’t feel the need to “prove herself” to me and I honestly that meant she was comfortable which I thought was a good thing but I can see that I probably did it too much. Can you please elaborate on specific things to do to get her to prove herself to me? What sort of things do I make her do for me? What things do I make her give up on? What sort of leads or directions exactly am I to give on what? How to get her to find ways to improve my life? (Because as I said, I tend to feel quite independent). How do I do all these naturally into the relationship to make it look like I haven’t changed because I feel like it might come of as strange since initially I wasn’t asking for much but now I am

Thank you for your reply. It calmed me down a lot more

I know how you see things because I used to be that way when much younger, I was always independent and self-sufficient and when someone wanted something that I thought I could give I just went 'why not' and gave it. Since then I've learned a lot about how people work and realized how terrible this was for my relationships in general.

You have your work cut out because you are now in a situation where a) someone betrayed your trust and b) you set the completely wrong frame with them about how to win you over. And now you want to correct both of those without losing them or even letting them know what you're aware of. This is a very difficult place to operate from, relationships are one of those things where it's much easier to start of correct than to fix something that started incorrectly.

If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about how I came across, I would be more interested to know if she is going to make the cut. You have several choices:

1. Tell her straight out you know she's been talking to exes and sending nudes while you're supposed to be exclusive, and tell her she's on probation while you figure out if you can trust her again.

2. Simply pull back your attention and investment and 'reset' the relationship.

3. Gradually change the frame to make her prove herself more and more to you.

Each have advantages and disadvantages. The first one is liable to blow things up and you will have your frame tested very strongly, but it is also by far the most honest.

The second is easier at first for you, since you don't have to deal with drama, but is very hard on her as she may not know why you are behaving toward her like that. Punishing someone without them knowing why is incredibly bad for relationships in general.

The third is 'ideal' but is simply wishful thinking, to change both yourself and her against the run of the relationship over a long period of time, while putting up with a lot of stuff you don't like, is just an exercise in futility. You will end up with a half baked frame.

For me personally, I would gravitate toward 1), since my default is honesty and there's no situation out in the open I feel like I can't handle, no matter how big the tsunami of drama is. But if you're a very agreeable person it will be painful.

The other advantage of 1) is that she now knows exactly where she stands, why things are happening, and can accept your frame, if she wishes, with clarity. Whereas any other option may leave her confused and doing wrong things for lack of knowledge. That's why, personally I don't think there's any way to avoid revealing things if it is that you want her to change substantially.
...
As for how to make her prove herself to you, there's no such thing quite as potent as goodwill and initiative on her part - I always look for what I want during the screening process (which starts right away) without prompting from me. For example one girl bought me some hair thing when she came over the second time to my place, because I'd mentioned something about how my hair was always hard to manage. I never asked her for it, she just thought of it herself.

But if you want some options how about:

- Making a list of things you want her to improve on or change, and seeing how amenable she is to your prompting about them
- Think about how she could do things to improve your life or help you, and see how difficult it is to get her to act on them
- Ask for favors that make her go out of her way, even if you don't need them, and see how she feels in the long run about them - does she want to call them in later or get annoyed?
- Create a clear set of your own boundaries that you haven't enforced yet, and enforce them and see how she reacts

Again, it's far easier to do these things early on, as now she's got gf status and looks at things differently.

And don't forget, if you have no willingness to walk away from a relationship, you have absolutely no power at all.

 

[Atlas IV]

I know how you see things because I used to be that way when much younger, I was always independent and self-sufficient and when someone wanted something that I thought I could give I just went 'why not' and gave it. Since then I've learned a lot about how people work and realized how terrible this was for my relationships in general.

You have your work cut out because you are now in a situation where a) someone betrayed your trust and b) you set the completely wrong frame with them about how to win you over. And now you want to correct both of those without losing them or even letting them know what you're aware of. This is a very difficult place to operate from, relationships are one of those things where it's much easier to start of correct than to fix something that started incorrectly.

If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about how I came across, I would be more interested to know if she is going to make the cut. You have several choices:

1. Tell her straight out you know she's been talking to exes and sending nudes while you're supposed to be exclusive, and tell her she's on probation while you figure out if you can trust her again.

2. Simply pull back your attention and investment and 'reset' the relationship.

3. Gradually change the frame to make her prove herself more and more to you.

Each have advantages and disadvantages. The first one is liable to blow things up and you will have your frame tested very strongly, but it is also by far the most honest.

The second is easier at first for you, since you don't have to deal with drama, but is very hard on her as she may not know why you are behaving toward her like that. Punishing someone without them knowing why is incredibly bad for relationships in general.

The third is 'ideal' but is simply wishful thinking, to change both yourself and her against the run of the relationship over a long period of time, while putting up with a lot of stuff you don't like, is just an exercise in futility. You will end up with a half baked frame.

For me personally, I would gravitate toward 1), since my default is honesty and there's no situation out in the open I feel like I can't handle, no matter how big the tsunami of drama is. But if you're a very agreeable person it will be painful.

The other advantage of 1) is that she now knows exactly where she stands, why things are happening, and can accept your frame, if she wishes, with clarity. Whereas any other option may leave her confused and doing wrong things for lack of knowledge. That's why, personally I don't think there's any way to avoid revealing things if it is that you want her to change substantially.
...
As for how to make her prove herself to you, there's no such thing quite as potent as goodwill and initiative on her part - I always look for what I want during the screening process (which starts right away) without prompting from me. For example one girl bought me some hair thing when she came over the second time to my place, because I'd mentioned something about how my hair was always hard to manage. I never asked her for it, she just thought of it herself.

But if you want some options how about:

- Making a list of things you want her to improve on or change, and seeing how amenable she is to your prompting about them
- Think about how she could do things to improve your life or help you, and see how difficult it is to get her to act on them
- Ask for favors that make her go out of her way, even if you don't need them, and see how she feels in the long run about them - does she want to call them in later or get annoyed?
- Create a clear set of your own boundaries that you haven't enforced yet, and enforce them and see how she reacts

Again, it's far easier to do these things early on, as now she's got gf status and looks at things differently.

And don't forget, if you have no willingness to walk away from a relationship, you have absolutely no power at all.

Taking notes on all this for my own benefit in future relationships.

Also, I second the vote for option 1. Blow it the hell up and see if she's willing to work with you to put the relationship back together. It's risky, but it will be the ultimate test of your relationship. Anyway she needs to know that you know, or it'll bother you for ever and ever.

 

[DarkKnight]

Tell her straight out you know she's been talking to exes and sending nudes while you're supposed to be exclusive, and tell her she's on probation while you figure out if you can trust her again.

I didnt read the story but a girl you are with sending NUDES to other guys is already cheating! I am saying this to OP. I would end this relationship.
No ifs or butts.

Her saying "it's east" is a huge warning sign in my opinion. She is essentially devalueing the relationship.

This

Another question, did you actually have other options when you got together with her? Because she obviously did.

And this. They are on very different brhavior when they know you can replace them

Anyway in contrary to most of the guys I am telling you to end this relationship. Sending nudes is cheating and her saying she doesnt need to prove herself is way worse

You KNOW what needs to be done

 

[Huge Jack Man]

I know how you see things because I used to be that way when much younger, I was always independent and self-sufficient and when someone wanted something that I thought I could give I just went 'why not' and gave it. Since then I've learned a lot about how people work and realized how terrible this was for my relationships in general.

You have your work cut out because you are now in a situation where a) someone betrayed your trust and b) you set the completely wrong frame with them about how to win you over. And now you want to correct both of those without losing them or even letting them know what you're aware of. This is a very difficult place to operate from, relationships are one of those things where it's much easier to start of correct than to fix something that started incorrectly.

If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about how I came across, I would be more interested to know if she is going to make the cut. You have several choices:

1. Tell her straight out you know she's been talking to exes and sending nudes while you're supposed to be exclusive, and tell her she's on probation while you figure out if you can trust her again.

2. Simply pull back your attention and investment and 'reset' the relationship.

3. Gradually change the frame to make her prove herself more and more to you.

Each have advantages and disadvantages. The first one is liable to blow things up and you will have your frame tested very strongly, but it is also by far the most honest.

The second is easier at first for you, since you don't have to deal with drama, but is very hard on her as she may not know why you are behaving toward her like that. Punishing someone without them knowing why is incredibly bad for relationships in general.

The third is 'ideal' but is simply wishful thinking, to change both yourself and her against the run of the relationship over a long period of time, while putting up with a lot of stuff you don't like, is just an exercise in futility. You will end up with a half baked frame.

For me personally, I would gravitate toward 1), since my default is honesty and there's no situation out in the open I feel like I can't handle, no matter how big the tsunami of drama is. But if you're a very agreeable person it will be painful.

The other advantage of 1) is that she now knows exactly where she stands, why things are happening, and can accept your frame, if she wishes, with clarity. Whereas any other option may leave her confused and doing wrong things for lack of knowledge. That's why, personally I don't think there's any way to avoid revealing things if it is that you want her to change substantially.
...

Very wise words. I guess 1) is the best thing to do then. Yeah she can say that we didn’t have labels but we agreed to be exclusive to each other and I do feel betrayed. My issue is that if she decides to prove herself to me, what should I expect and accept? I don’t feel like her just blocking them will make me trust her again because she could start talking with someone new. What should I accept from her as an indication that she is willing to build the trust again?