When a fuckbuddy want to take you out on dates; what does it mean?

[kristian]

For the last six months, Ive been meeting this girl casually. And 90% of the time, we end up together. We never arrange to meet when we are together, instead we say goodbye and reconnect many days later. Ive never had a fuck buddy before, so this is very exiting. She says im her lover. And tends do deflect when I, in a weak moment, act too romantacally. In many ways a very cool experience.

But she has also arranged "dates" for us. Like meetings where we go the theatre, we almost always end up making love, but the fact that she wants to take me out is confusing me. Why is she doing this? And what could be the reasons?

Its like she using push-pull on me. On one hand she has made it clear that I am her lover, and nothing more, but on the other hand she takes me on dates and even let me meet some of her friends. Why?

Since we have been meeting we have connected a lot. We still only meet twice a month, but I think this might have something to do with it. And if it has, is there a way I can be a warm, loving and devoted lover without making her think of me as a boyfriend material? I will never be monogamous, but I want to have a deeper connection with my fuckbuddy and my future fuckbuddys. Is this even possible?

I really need response on this, cos this little riddle is driving me nuts!

 

[Richard]

You're not falling into the boyfriend category here.

You've made no verbal commitment to be her boyfriend, and she hasn't brought it up to you so it isn't a problem. Until she asks the question "So, what are we?" then you really have nothing to worry about here.

For future fuckbuddies - it's certainly possible to be connected and non-monogamous. Set that precedent early and make her aware of your intentions so she knows what she's getting herself into. The biggest killer with fuckbuddies, friends with benefits, etc. is leaving things to assumption/implication and then butting heads in the future.

You're doing nothing wrong here, and her taking you out is normal.

-Richard

 

[Estate]

Logic says that Richard is spot on... she's seeing you as more. Therefore she wants to do more "boyfriend" things.

I'll just give a slightly different as I've seen this go 2 ways with girls I've met... it depends what sort of girl she is. If she's more of the type that DOES want a boyfriend, yup, she's probably trying to pahse you into that role.

I've come across some girls though (it's 50/50) who are quite the players themselves. They get to the point where they probably have a few guys on rotation themselves and feel that have the guys wrapped around their finger. Therefore they push to see "what else they can get".

If you don't particularly care to make her your girlfriend, the test is pretty simple. Continue as you are, don't go on anything remotely "date like" with her.
If she's the first type... she'll disappear pretty quick.
If she's the 2nd type (which I'm suspecting a little here since you mention the dead air after you meet her), she'll probably give you some sort of "whatever" response, go off the radar for a bit and be right back to you when she's done the same with the other guys and you come back around in her rotation.

Girls can be players too. I don't want to assume too much here since I don't actually know the full situation but just going on my own experience, when FB's try to "change" the sitation it's pretty much 50/50. I don't totally agree that every one of them will be trying to turn you into a boyfriend. If she's been sleeping with you THAT long without broaching the topic of "where is this going?" yet, she's already ruled you out as boyfriend material long ago.

 

[kristian]

Thank you so much for the replies guys. I did not see it that way at all, and after your insights it makes it a little easier to actually go out with this girl from time to time. We had an arrangement to meet at her place this week, but she sent me a message asking me if I wanted to hang out at a teatre-thing instead. I said yes to that because I feel like we can also hang out and do some different things from time to time.

The other thing about FBs, since this is totally new to me. How do you deal with uncertainty in such relationships?
Since Ive always been kind of a BF-type of guy, I have an urge to take this relationship to a place where we can meet whenever I want, but she is more of a "lets just chill for ourselves for a couple of weeks before arranging something"-type of person. I am glad the frame is that way, but a part of me want to make her more "mine" because I want to have greater access to intimacy.

 

[Estate]

It sounds like you're into her then.

If the "lets chill out for a while in between" is more her idea then I'm beginning to feel like it's the 2nd case. She wants a no strings boyfriend when she wants but free to go do as she likes in between.

I should add that I've only really found this to be a "thing" with younger girls who are beginning to realize they can use their sexuality to get what they want from guys.
What I'm worried about for you is that you're "getting the feels" while she's glad to have someone get get laid and buy her stuff when she wants but is free to see other guys in between. You're one of a rotation for her.

I can't tell you how pushing for more will work. She may actually be looking to see if one of the guys steps up and makes her his girlfriend. From experience though, stepping this up with these types of girls often backfires. She'll be a nightmare. The other guys will never really be out of the picture.

This all comes with the caveat that she is indeed the 2nd type of girl I described from experience. I can't say for sure, it's just sounding that way to me.

Something that seems to come up now and then though is these prolonged FB situations. At the end of the day, these things have an expiration. They sort of have to. When it's truly an FB situation then you both have to just hook up here and there and then switch it off and have some dead air time. And I'm not talking a few hours or a day or too, like actual radio silence. You don't want to hang with her, or find out all about her. Your relationship is strictly to have sex when you're both horny and go on with life in between.

After a prolonged time, someone is going to get the "feels" or someone is going to start feeling too familiar with the other to truly keep this situation going. If you really want to make her "yours" then you really don't have much option. Try to make her a more permanent part of your life and be prepared if she's already written you off as boyfriend material.

 

[kristian]

Thanks so much, Estate. And from the conversations I had with her earlier I can clearly see that she is much more experienced with the opposite sex than I am.
She can usually say things like "I had a lot of ONS and meaningless sex in my past" at the same time as saying things like "your are not boyfriend material and only a lover to me so lets not get too romantic". But lately we have been building more rapport than ever. We are kissing more frequently. And she says she cares for me.

How long does a relationship like this last usually? Cos when we met, I thought she only wanted a ONS, but we are meeting casually more often, and I am liking her even more than I used to. And have a feeling that she is feeling kind of the same towards me.

The thing is that I am not monogamous, and she knows that. I also know that even if she might be seeing other guys, her goal is to be in a monogamous relationship and I have made it clear that I am not that guy. Therefore I know that this arrangement will not last forever (I never thought it would last 6 months when I got into this).

But the thing that is bothering me the most with having a FB is the uncertainty. Like I said earlier, I tend to get into a boyfriend role naturally and almost all the interactions I have had with girls has been with that in mind. Now that I am unlearning this habit, its difficult to be at ease "just being a lover". How do I deal with this without losing my sanity?

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

Kristian,

I am not even remotely an expert at FB but I do know a lot about our emotions. I understand your issues with being a BF. A good part of it is control. If you are the boyfriend you have a much higher control of what goes on with her. You are struggling more with the control issue than with actual feelings for her. (You are not saying things that lead me to believe it is her you are into.) It is so easy to mistake feelings for another person which are actually a need to be in a relationship where you feel in control. This is one of the areas where being a lover is hard if you are in a longer term situation. If you are doing ONS or a dates and sex a few times you don't build the relationship need. In your situation you need to decide if you can handle just being one of the guys she is bedding. If you decide you can not you have two options. First you can try to make her your GF or you can next her. If you go with the first and she ends it you will get hurt some. Either way will come with some emotional difficulties for you. It is like grieving when you end a relationship. If you decide you can handle the FB situation then you need to get more abundance of women to pull you out of your need for the BF relationship.

FYI from the things I have read most FBs last 2 to 3 months before she starts to have feelings that screws it up. I think yours is lasting so long because you meeting infrequently and she has other guys that has extended this time frame.

SGent

 

[Zoro]

Check out the lastest GC Podcast with Black Dragon. https://www.girlschase.com/content/girls-chase-podcast-interviews-ep-6-blackdragon

Phenomenal open relationship stuff.

What you are looking for is NOT a Fuck Buddy. Its an open relationship.

I messed up a relationship with a girl I cared about because I mistakenly put FB and open relationship in the same box. I lost her since I did not foster our bond using advice tailored to FBs

I learned my lesson and am now in an open relationship and thoroughly enjoying it.

 

[Franco]

kristian,

J Wick beat me to the punch! Check out the podcast he linked for all of the details you need.

If you're going out with this girl, then she is not a fuck buddy (or she has decided that she does not want to continue being a fuck buddy). If you're going out with her, then it is a MLTR (multiple long-term relationship) scenario in which you two are "dating" but not committed to each other.

Fuck buddies (or friends with benefits) are for sex, and sex only. No dates (once you two are having sex)!

- Franco

 

[ray_zorse]

It's an interesting thread and I really liked Estate's categorization here, my own experience has been mainly with the girls that want to get you into relationships, in my case the others tended to go ghost, although that could have been because I didn't have my fundamentals and sexiness handled enough. Anyway, I had a number of FWBs earlier this year and I did a lot of date-like stuff with them, with the predictable result that they started to see me more as a boyfriend, and start to create drama that I wouldn't go official with them. And, once you've met friends and family etc, I'm not so sure that open relationship is really a viable option. I could be wrong here, but she's likely to confess to her close friends or family the real status, and they are going to urge her to NEXT you... so my advice would be somewhat simpler and less nuanced than what's been said here -- I reckon if you want to keep laying other girls then you shouldn't go on dates with this girl. Currently there are 2 girls who consider me their boyfriend, which is a non-ideal situation, and when I get out of it, I'm going to be a lot more strict about this stuff. Franco and Chase noted that they encourage dudes to go their own way in this area, in order to see what happens, but in general it's usually quite predictable.
Ray

 

[Lawliet]

kristian,

J Wick beat me to the punch! Check out the podcast he linked for all of the details you need.

If you're going out with this girl, then she is not a fuck buddy (or she has decided that she does not want to continue being a fuck buddy). If you're going out with her, then it is a MLTR (multiple long-term relationship) scenario in which you two are "dating" but not committed to each other.

Fuck buddies (or friends with benefits) are for sex, and sex only. No dates (once you two are having sex)!

- Franco

Important to watch the last point, kristan.
Sex is key in these types. If it's a date, it still has to have sex involved, which makes her question if it was a "date".
Sex must occur each time you meet to keep these expectations.

Lawliet

 

[kristian]

Thank you guys for amazing responses. And I can see things more clearly now thanks to this.

And sex occurs almost every time we meet, except for a couple of times in our relationship. This evening I will meet her again, we arranged to meet at her place yesterday, but she came back telling me she wanted to take me out instead. I was hesitant at first, but I at the same time I want to mix things up from time to time, and as Richard says; her taking me out is normal. But Lawliet; do you mean that if we dont have sex tonight, she might start seeing our meeting as a "date"? Can you elaborate on that?

Sophisticated Gent, you touched a sore spot there. I really like my new lifestyle and will never be monogamous. My biggest fear that I have to conquer to truly become a player is accepting the "uncertainty" these relationships have. I want to continue this, and I want to accept that I might not be the only one in her world. How do I train myself to think differently? My urge to be in control is my biggest thing. I already have a non-monogamous relationship with another girl and I am still getting used to let her fuck other guys https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=11776&p=59366#p59366 . She hasn't done that yet, but I know it will happen sooner or later.

So guys; maybe I should MLTR this fuck buddy and live my life with two MLTRs? Both my girl, and this fuck buddy that is taking me out know about each other and know that I am not monogamous. What are your experiences with MLTRs? I have been listening to Blackdragons blog lately and maybe having two relationships could be my thing. What are your thoughts about that? I still dont know if this is what my fuck buddy wants, she rarely talk about our relationship or that I meet other women. Should I just have that "talk" or should I wait until it ends or she starts pushing for more?

 

[Lawliet]

You want to keep sex in the focus. That's the whole point of fuckbuddy, it's nothing else but sex. Sure, I guess a couple times of going out is fine but definitely keep mind of it and not let her shift the focus and pull power away from you gradually like this.

As for relationships, yeah bro, go for whatever feels right for you now. But settling isn't a bad thing, it's eventually the end goal for everyone (chase wrote about this, I'll post again if I find the article). However, fuckbuddy is nothing else but sex, so don't be surprised if she starts pulling away and wants more. Expect it, don't let it slipshod you (or commit if you really want to, your choice).

Finally to answer your last question, just chill. Don't bring it up. Let your actions show her what you want (namely how often going out on "date" like outings and sex), not verbal.
Sadly, I found out this last lesson the hard way. Hope you'll do way better than I did!

Lawliet

 

[kristian]

I met her at our date this Tuesday. I met her friends, she bought me some wine as we held hands watching the theater show.
But later that evening, she got a nervous breakdown and needed to be by herself. She, however, invited me out for a concert this Friday. I don't think I will go, because the chance of having sex is a lot lower when we go out than meeting at her/my place.

Another note; The fact that she got a nervous breakdown last time is making me doubt if getting together with her is the right thing to do. This girl is cute and all, and perhaps the most beautiful girl I've dated so far. But I don't know if I want to get together with someone who clearly has some issues. I am not ready to be that guy. I care about her, though. And I always try to help her when she is down by being the cool guy who inspires her. However, I am not her saviour and I need to make that clear.

So after our date, I sent her a message telling her that everything is going to be ok. And that I wish her a good week. Now I'm just going silent for a week and giving us the space needed before we meet again.

I hope this will help, and understand what you are saying, guys. I know this wont last forever, and I am already working on new girls I am also accepting that having casual relationships has its drawbacks, and I talked to some girls about this and their concern is that every time they have a fwb-thing with a guy, usually the guys start catching feelings and push for relationships. The problem I can see with those guys is their lack of abundance mentality. I am aware of this and ready to walk away if she starts pushing too hard or trying to end things because of the lack of commitment.