Socializing When a smooth/charismatic guy talks to your girl and ignores you

[James D]

Not a chick you're picking up but a girl you're out with who's clearly your gf.

And I'm not talking about guys hitting on my girl (altho some of them may have that intention)

My girl is the spitting image of a young Monica Bellucci and she gets a lot of attention from guys. She doesn't actively flirt or does anything to embarass me but she does respond pleasantly to people talking to her.

I've had it happen with charismatic waiters, cab drivers and most recently, my girl's previous male colleague.

They'll engage with my girl while giving me the minimum attention just enough so it's not rude. They're so under the radar and pleasant that it's hard to call them out without seeming too reactive.

Usually they're not doing anything serious like trying to pick her up but it still bothers the heck out of me.

I find myself in a situation where I'm left out while the guy makes smooth conversation with my girl, which she responds to politely.

Recently this cab driver engaged in a pretty animated convo with my girl for the whole ride.

I tried to insert myself in the convo and he acknowledged me while smoothly redirecting to my girl.

I can't really call my girl out on it cuz she's not actively flirting or anything.

She's being polite and probably enjoys a pleasant social interaction.

How do you guys handle that?

 

[POB]

How do you guys handle that?

"Hey dude, may I ask you something?"
Then completely change the topic to something man related.
"What's your football team?", "Where do you lift?", or something along those lines.
Of course you'll leave your girl a bit out of the conversation for that moment, but that's the trade off to these kinds of scenarios.
If he ignores you, or tries to keep the focus on her, you get to her first and start a convo about something you guys share, and ignore him.

 

[topcat]

Genuinely these sorts of topics confuse me..and make me curious as to how other dudes minds work.

Can i ask why a cab driver having an innocuous conversation with your girlfriend requires action?

She’s fucking you not him. She’s allowed to have pleasant conversations with men no?

What’s the fear?

I ask out of genuine curiosity. This sort of thing has never made sense to me.

IMO you look worse doing what @POB suggests. Let her have a conversation.

It’s not like she’s got his dick in her mouth..

IMO mind your business and enjoy the view out the window if your bored.

I could be wrong though. I’d love to hear the reasoning behind this.

 

[POB]

IMO you look worse doing what @POB suggests. Let her have a conversation.

Care to elaborate on why you think it's worse to do what I suggested?
Cause I've been in that same situation and doing what I said just suited me fine.

 

[topcat]

Care to elaborate on why you think it's worse to do what I suggested?
Cause I've been in that same situation and doing what I said just suited me fine.

It seems unnecessary. Your girl’s enjoying a conversation, why interrupt that?

What purpose does it serve?
What threat is posed by the man?
Why would paying them no mind and letting her yap be a poor reaction?

 

[DarkKnight]

I think for us it is also a case of disrespect at one point. If a cab driver, kept talkign to my girl and disregarding me (I assume I am the paying guy), I would do a jarring interruption. But it is not coming from mateguarding, it is coming from the guy being annoying.

If some waiter kind of guy did the same, I would call them out about being professional. Because I TOO am there to enjoy myself and the last thing I want is some guy getting in my sphere and basically annoying me. The audacity itself deserves to be called out so everyone knows who is who.

Only the male colleague I would not care that much to be honest because that is her sphere not mine. But some guy providing service, while I am paying, crossing my boundaries? Doesnt need to be overreaction but a fast jab would be good to show them this is generally not a good idea. And I also am very easy with making things awkward and confrontative while being totally calm myself. Mind you this is not about game at that point, it is about putting some random annoying interruptor in place. And I believe this is important as well.

This reminds me of Kareas post where the wwaiter was doing the same and Karea at one point called the guy out with "there are 2 people here" because the waiter kept talking to the girl. These people are being uncalibrated as fuck and a call out here is right on point.

I get the pua side of being unreactive and not mate guarding and bladieblah. but a guy earning money from me and basically disrespecting me IS going to be called out

@James D . James what is the vibe you give off to people though? Usually when people try this they believe you are a soft target.... or the guy is uncalibrated in himself. Also we had a post of Karea which basically is the same subject but devolved into a huge flame war...

Recently.. a waiter of an establishment I go to and am received veryw ell was testing my boundaries. he made a comment I didnt like, I told him so.. next time he did it again this time I became more overt and really jarred him. For me this is a similar situation, it is not always about the girl it is also about how YOU feel in the interaction. Why give power to some random guy by being passive? Forget about mate guarding, it doesnt need to be about that.

Only the male colleague I would disregard a bit and perhaps put nonverbal pressure on my girl that I am getting bored.

 

[topcat]

I think for us it is also a case of disrespect at one point. If a cab driver, kept talkign to my girl and disregarding me (I assume I am the paying guy), I would do a jarring interruption. But it is not coming from mateguarding, it is coming from the guy being annoying.

I guess this is where me and other men in this space diverge. To me disrespect in this context, doesn’t mean anything, it has no weight, or location outside of the mind of the one that chooses to feel disrespected.

He makes a comment or has a conversation with my girl. I go back to my happy life. Why would i waste energy on somebody of zero consequence?

It’s definitely a personality thing. You either care or you don’t i guess.

It’s silly from my perspective.

 

[DarkKnight]

I get you topcat, I think in generally I am also a boundary kind of person. Even when someone moves too close to me and I am not familiar I tend to say it out loud. I just realize while I was reading what James wrote I already got a bit annoyed at said cab driver and waiter. Then again, I rarely if ever encounter this...

 

[POB]

iIt seems unnecessary. Your girl’s enjoying a conversation, why interrupt that?

I don't interrupt.
I wait untill it slows down and naturally grab the frame.

What purpose does it serve?

To be part of the convo and pass time.

What threat is posed by the man?

None, but it's annoying sometimes.

Why would paying them no mind and letting her yap be a poor reaction?

It's not, just another option if you feel like it.
Doesn't have to be this black and white man.
That said, I think it's good to have a lot of tools in the shed and use them when you feel the need.
But I get your point, being non-reactive is ok too.

 

[topcat]

I don't interrupt.
I wait untill it slows down and naturally grab the frame.

To be part of the convo and pass time.

None, but it's annoying sometimes.

It's not, just another option if you feel like it.
Doesn't have to be this black and white man.
That said, I think it's good to have a lot of tools in the shed and use them when you feel the need.
But I get your point, being non-reactive is ok too.

Fair enough. That definitely makes sense to me. I guess it’s just a matter of personal taste then.

As i’ve said this subject has always puzzled me.

 

[POB]

I get you topcat, I think in generally I am also a boundary kind of person. Even when someone moves too close to me and I am not familiar I tend to say it out loud. I just realize while I was reading what James wrote I already got a bit annoyed at said cab driver and waiter. Then again, I rarely if ever encounter this...

Usually it's good to create a strong bubble before going out with your girl.
Just pick a topic you both enjoy and keep it going untill you reach your destination.
This naturally prevents any kind of interruption from the outside.

 

[Will_V]

@James D there was a similar thread time ago that got a variety of good responses, you might find some good stuff there.

In general, I think engaging someone directly when they are ignoring you, unless you're super smooth and they aren't, violates the law of least effort.

I don't really care in small interactions with e.g. staff if someone is talking in a social way to my girl and ignoring me, I just act as if she's my secretary and occupy myself with something else.

If you were to interrupt, I think it would be best to either:

- Use nonverbal dominant body language (which you obviously can't do in a car) and make small semi-impatient interjections to break it up. There's a tone of voice that's cheerful but alert that goes well here.

- interject into the conversation (with that same tone) but as soon as you have the conch, steer it toward an interaction between you and her, so the dude has to try and get between you two, which is hard to do without looking obvious.

For longer interactions with people I'll meet regularly, I will talk to them directly and establish my dominant frame with them, since eventually they won't be able to ignore it.

 

[POB]

But some guy providing service, while I am paying, crossing my boundaries? Doesnt need to be overreaction but a fast jab would be good to show them this is generally not a good idea. And I also am very easy with making things awkward and confrontative while being totally calm myself. Mind you this is not about game at that point, it is about putting some random annoying interruptor in place. And I believe this is important as well.

Yep, this is super annoying in my book.

This reminds me of Kareas post where the wwaiter was doing the same and Karea at one point called the guy out with "there are 2 people here" because the waiter kept talking to the girl. These people are being uncalibrated as fuck and a call out here is right on point.

Usually I do this...
Ignore him and talk to my girl in a very happy manner:
"Wow, this guy is super nice!"
(and only then I acknowlledge him)
"Way to go man, but I see what you doing (silent pause to let him sweat)....clever way of fishing for tips (wink)".

Once I was celebrating my birthday with the ex and some friends.
We went to a rock bar, everything was fine untill the band came to play.
The lead singer was a buffed good-looking dude.
My girl started to gravitate towards him and ignore me.
As soon as I noted it, I left and went downstairs.

Took my time in the bathroom, chatted with the staff, talked to some girls.
Spent almost an hour away.
When I came back she was all over me.
She even got hit by a bi-hottie who was on another table close to ours.
I was so non-chalant about the whole situation that she came home horny and eager to have sex with me.

@James D sometimes just removing yourself physically also works.
Let her miss you and your protection.
Hot girls like attention of course, but they like even more when their man is there to protect them.
That's why she chose you.

 

[Skills]

Genuinely these sorts of topics confuse me..and make me curious as to how other dudes minds work.

Can i ask why a cab driver having an innocuous conversation with your girlfriend requires action?

She’s fucking you not him. She’s allowed to have pleasant conversations with men no?

What’s the fear?

I ask out of genuine curiosity. This sort of thing has never made sense to me.

IMO you look worse doing what @POB suggests. Let her have a conversation.

It’s not like she’s got his dick in her mouth..

IMO mind your business and enjoy the view out the window if your bored.

I could be wrong though. I’d love to hear the reasoning behind this.

Correct! Puas always paranoid about none sense that is so meaningless such as amog, repeating themself and none sense which is self fulfilling paranoia james and dark night...the 2 that comes to mine... Anyways the answer is no caring...i would stay quiet or be like oh wow, you a pimp, you the man, i want to be like you..

 

[Skills]

I get you topcat, I think in generally I am also a boundary kind of person. Even when someone moves too close to me and I am not familiar I tend to say it out loud. I just realize while I was reading what James wrote I already got a bit annoyed at said cab driver and waiter. Then again, I rarely if ever encounter this...

Lol i mentioned you as sample before reading this..

 

[DarkKnight]

Lol i mentioned you as sample before reading this..

Well.. what can I say . I honestly do not like to suffer some waiters obnoxiousness while I am trying to enjoy myself. and no I dont see it as being paranoid. I mentioned I wouldnt care about the girls colleague. but some working guy who has no idea of boundaries, yeah sorry, not so sorry boys. But I also think you guys always think in terms of PUA. Everything is pua. And admittedly the OP asked a pua question, but for me things are sometimes not pua anymore but another person getting on my nerves, which is not "paranoia" btw. Paranoia is when you are afraid of things which are not there. Wrong diagnosis.

but I wrote this. that I am not "mate guarding" in this scenario. anyway this is going to become a flame war again.. or whatever. So... Ill take my leave and hope I made some kind of sense to OP. In the end it is a personal choice. There is this enneagram thing which is about personalities I read a lot.. apparently Chase does too., It shows why people react differently to some situations. beyond pua.

 

[topcat]

But I also think you guys always think in terms of PUA. Everything is pua. And admittedly the OP asked a pua question, but for me things are sometimes not pua anymore but another person getting on my nerves, which is not "paranoia" btw. Paranoia is when you are afraid of things which are not there. Wrong diagnosis

who you calling “you people” lol

i hear you. That definitely doesn’t apply to me. give been like this long before I knew about PUA. From my perspective it looks like differences in emotional sensitivity. And i don’t mean that disrespectfully. There is simply no emotional arousal experienced in these situations. I’m not “trying” to PUA anything, it just doesn’t register AT ALL.

For somebody who has greater emotional erousal that doesn’t make sense, because for them they’d have to “try” to suppress the emotion. Which they do in “PUA” contexts.

Where as for me, when i see you guys get your hackles raised over a waiter, it looks like jealousy and paranoia, because that’s the only way my mind can make sense of the behaviour..

We’re different personality types trying to proscribe motivations for behaviours we don’t understand.

Given this, misattribution is demonstrably rife.

 

[Will_V]

Looks like this topic is one of those ones everybody's got a strong opinion on!

who you calling “you people” lol

i hear you. That definitely doesn’t apply to me. give been like this long before I knew about PUA. From my perspective it looks like differences in emotional sensitivity. And i don’t mean that disrespectfully. There is simply no emotional arousal experienced in these situations. I’m not “trying” to PUA anything, it just doesn’t register AT ALL.

For somebody who has greater emotional erousal that doesn’t make sense, because for them they’d have to “try” to suppress the emotion. Which they do in “PUA” contexts.

Where as for me, when i see you guys get your hackles raised over a waiter, it looks like jealousy and paranoia, because that’s the only way my mind can make sense of the behaviour..

We’re different personality types trying to proscribe motivations for behaviours we don’t understand.

Given this, misattribution is demonstrably rife.

I think emotional arousal is one basis, I think there's also the fact that some guys just want to be assertive and 'win' in every situation. It's probably a personality thing.

For me, whether I invest in winning something depends on how much I get in return. That's why I'll compete (strategically) if it's someone who can affect my life in the long term for better or worse. And I'll compete for an absolute win.

There's also context .. some girls are just wired to want to see their guy winning all the time, not because they want to test him, but because that's just what gets them going.

There's never one good response for a general situation imo, it depends on who you're dealing with and what the possible outcomes are.

 

[POB]

There's never one good response for a general situation imo, it depends on who you're dealing with and what the possible outcomes are.

Exactly!
Though it's clear that for @James D and @DarkKnight it's affecting their well-being in the moment.
So it has to be dealt with, so the "don't react" mantra doesn't apply.
Different solutions for different guys, simple as that.

 

[Will_V]

Exactly!
Though it's clear that for @James D and @DarkKnight it's affecting their well-being in the moment.
So it has to be dealt with, so the "don't react" mantra doesn't apply.
Different solutions for different guys, simple as that.

Yeah, at the end of the day, you gotta be happy with yourself and how you comport yourself, sometimes that means ending up in a scrap where there's nothing really of value to win.