When do I tell her I have other girls?

[Lover]

I'm seeing this girl from Tinder. We have dated twice, last one was 3 weeks ago, but she went to another country after the last date. She returned a couple of days ago, and we set up a new meeting on Monday. But starting yesterday afternoon, after I gave a reason to why I would not do some boyfriend-ish activity with her the very same Monday, she changed her tone from casual to chasing. She wanted to meet spontaneously yesterday and also just now, but I didn't have time for it. After a couple of texts she told me she slept with her sister (not that way you pervs ) last night to... well, practice cuddling and sleeping with another person for a whole night. The highlight of this conversation: "Good thing I didn't kiss my sister".

I'm suspecting two things at this point: she's a virgin, and she has been giving a lot of thought to what will happen next time we meet.

I'll be honest. I have feelings for her, but hardly as strong as hers. I could see her as my gf in the future when I have time for one, and I believe she sees me as a lover at this point. But I'm not looking for a monogamous relationship (my guess: she is), and I'm meeting two girls for casual sex regularly. And the thing that worries me the most is when I'm going to tell her that I'm seeing the other girls. I'm fine with loosing her if she cannot accept that I want to see other girls, but I would absolutely love if she accepts it.

When do I tell her? Do I start this conversation out of the blue, or do I wait until she perhaps asks for exclusivity? Maybe another option?

 

[Richard]

Why do you feel like you need to tell her?

You're not exclusive to this girl and you've made no commitment to be exclusive to her so you really don't need to tell her.

If you're worried about her being a virgin or you're worried that you're leading her on or you're setting unrealistic expectations for her then you may want to tell her. Basically, if you're afraid of hurting her then you may want to rip the band-aid off now sort of deal.

In general, though, it's best to wait for her to bring it up and you can deal with it accordingly from there. For now, though, because you haven't promised her exclusivity and she hasn't asked the "So what are we?" question yet then there is no reason to tell her. If you're worried about hurting her then it's your choice to tell her but you absolutely do not need to.

-Richard

 

[Lover]

Why do you feel like you need to tell her?

You pretty much said it yourself, but my suspicion of her being a virgin and probably operating from an exclusive relationship-model are making me worry a bit if I'm going to hurt her when we are going to have that talk. And that's why I was wondering if it was best to say it sooner or later.

If you're worried about her being a virgin or you're worried that you're leading her on or you're setting unrealistic expectations for her then you may want to tell her. Basically, if you're afraid of hurting her then you may want to rip the band-aid off now sort of deal.

As far as I'm aware, I have not set any unrealistic expectations or led her on per se. We have not had any talk about relationships, love or sex at all. But I realize I might have told her indirectly that I want something "else" with her rather than doing that friend/boyfriend-ish activity she suggested - even though I have invited her to my place a couple of times before. I phrased it something like this:

"I don't want to do things with you that I'm doing daily (meaning, her offer), but rather I would love to do things with you I'm not doing daily"

It was after this message her tone changed, and she wanted to meet spontaneously, told me about the night with her sister the next day etc. I can see that stating to her that I have some things I want to do with her has made her think about what things I could possibly be talking about. Could it be that I made her feel speciel without realizing what I was doing?

Anyway, now I see clearly that there is no early relationship frame or precedent to lead her on. And whatever relationship model she is coming from, it doesn't matter, but she seems genuinely inexperienced, so she might not know better. But I don't need to tell her until she asks, so that's what I'll do. THanks

 

[Seppuku]

Hey a-jay!

In my experience the girls have an innate sixth sense about this things... They get the intuition of it, sometimes even within the first hour of meeting you. So... she should be getting the picture about your poly-amorous status. No need to tell her anything, then, unless she asks explicitly and insists to know.

And even if you set a relationship frame inadvertently, if you keep things with her strictly in the sexual territory, she will correct her confusion by herself. Just avoid throwing more BF vibes!

Cheers,
Seppuku

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

You don't.

Hector

 

[Lover]

Hey a-jay!

In my experience the girls have an innate sixth sense about this things... They get the intuition of it, sometimes even within the first hour of meeting you. So... she should be getting the picture about your poly-amorous status. No need to tell her anything, then, unless she asks explicitly and insists to know.

And even if you set a relationship frame inadvertently, if you keep things with her strictly in the sexual territory, she will correct her confusion by herself. Just avoid throwing more BF vibes!

Cheers,
Seppuku

Seppuku,

I can't tell if I did anything on a micro-level that would make her think I am fucking other girls. But I know for certain that on a macro-level that I haven't done anything explicit to make her know. We have done some texting with a sexual tone, but never talked about sex or relationships explicitely as I said. I'll keep things casual and sexual until we can set up a new meeting (side note: we were supposed to meet yesterday, but I got sick this weekend, so she'll have to wait for now. I'll try keeping things hot in the meanwhile).

You don't.

Hector

Hector,

If all advice were that simple What would you do if she asks anyway?

 

[Marcellus]

This is a great line from Drexel for when she ask you. Put on your most confident face.

Can't deprive the masses

And "Cut"

Next Scene.

 

[WayOfHand]

This is a great line from Drexel for when she ask you. Put on your most confident face.

Can't deprive the masses

And "Cut"

Next Scene.

Enjoyed.

But honestly. I think that as long as you arent hurting anyone intentionally and are working by your best understanding, you shouldn't feel guilty if she happens to get hurt.

World is full of hurt. Its like if a butterfly caused a tsunami on the other side of the globe. It might be the cause but it is definitely not the butterflys fault that it's flapping its wings. Thats what its supposed to do.

 

[lordkai5]

Lol, if her love for you is strong enough, she'll accept your polygamous relationship. Otherwise you'll be running with a crazy girl. Seen Mirai Nikki?

 

[Average]

Why do you feel like you need to tell her?

You don't.

Hector

In my experience the girls have an innate sixth sense about this things... They get the intuition of it, sometimes even within the first hour of meeting you. So... she should be getting the picture about your poly-amorous status. No need to tell her anything, then, unless she asks explicitly and insists to know.

I think that their all right. In my early days of girlschase after reading a lot of warnings on the website about not leading on women, I decided to verbalize to the girls that I intend to be promiscuous. What this usually accomplished though is the girl being surprised at me at first and then just agreeing with me and saying,"its your life", "you only live once", "be the best you that you can be"... blah blah blah

However, I could always sense a bit of an..."why are you telling ME?" attitude since asking the question almost always implies (and an intense implication given how sharp women's social instincts are) that she's chasing me too hard and that I'm trying to shut it down.

Anyway, waiting for her to ask you where you two stand is a smooth decision since girls ALWAYS in my experience ask the question if they take the relationship seriously. And if she never asks the question then she never took you seriously and you were reading too much into it.

To me, that sounds like the very definition of a win-win situation.

 

[Lover]

Hey guys, thanks for all your input. I had sex with her today, and at one point in post-coital tone, I told her that I was just enjoying the single life right now. I don't know what meaning she will give that sentence, but now it's out there, and as long she doesn't change her mind, she's looking forward to see me again soon

Seen Mirai Nikki?

Lordkai: Nope. Just Dragon Ball, Naruto and Death Note. I love the latter most because of all the brainwork it requires to understand it.