Why would she show me middle finger?

[spawn1789]

Half a year ago I was flirting with a girl (co-worker) but never asked her out due to personal reasons (father's death). She went from warm to cold, started being less open, one time she really tested me hard but I always kept my composure After a while I asked her out and she said she was not interested.

In the following week I have been recipient of many playful teases and her body languages seems to be favorable - feet pointing in my direction, exposing her breast, glances. But she teased me hard, so hard that one two occasions another coworker commented that there is so much tension in the air.

Friday, being on a party, I came to talk to her and playfully said oh it is because you like me so much. She got quiet and proceeded to show me middle finger with dead serious face. I was like wow and just moved away (I was kinda drunk, should have played it better). Later on I saw her looking and me, I looked at her and she just showed me thumbs down.
Could you please explain me your view of things in regards to that? I understand that emotional response is better than an indifferent response, but why such an angry, repulsive one?

Thanks

 

[Warped Mindless]

Tip for the future…

Instead of wondering… make a move. ”Does she like me?“ “What does her actions mean?”

Just make a move and that will tell you what you need to know. Stop waiting so long and letting attraction expire.

 

[spawn1789]

I did make a move, but she declined my date request. I know it doesn't matter based on female's emotions, but I believe a family death is a reasonable excuse.

Still, I am wondering why the middle finger.

 

[James D]

Stay away from co-workers until you're skilled enough to avoid such faux pas.

 

[ulrich]

You’re playing with fire, dude.

 

[spawn1789]

You’re playing with fire, dude.

You mean over-gaming the whole situation? Or it might be just her personality?

Could you expand on your thoughts please?

 

[gameboy]

She flirted with you a lot after you asked her out. So you could have asked her again, and might have gotten a different answer the second time.

When you told her "Oh it's because you like me a lot", that probably sounded to her like you were making fun of her attraction to you. That's why she reacted so negatively. It's called auto-rejection.

 

[DarkKnight]

When you told her "Oh it's because you like me a lot", that probably sounded to her like you were making fun of her attraction to you. That's why she reacted so negatively. It's called auto-rejection.

Yes, this is my intution behind it as well. You became too cocky harmed attainability

 

[Warped Mindless]

Go meet more women. If you were meeting enough women you wouldn’t give enough of a shit about this one to ask on here.

 

[ulrich]

You mean over-gaming the whole situation? Or it might be just her personality?

Could you expand on your thoughts please?

Unstable woman in workplace = high risk, low reward.
You could get fired if any misunderstanding happens.

My rule for flirting in the workplace is: either it happens super-smooth or it’s a no-go.

This is not smooth at all.

 

[Teevster]

Waiting for the sequel post: "Got fired from my job for flirting with coworker"

Anyway my take on the situation: she never was interested, it is likely all in your head or her simply being playful and attention seeking and as a reault into a workplace harrasser. Seen this happen all too often when I was at UNI.

When reading between the lines here, thats more like what this seems like - and her reaction matches that. Furthermore the so-called sign of interest you describe are rather vague and weak ones and can easily be attributed to playful/attention-seeking behaviour.

Also based on your responses in this thread - you seem peetty inexperienced - in fact not experienced enough to be able to clearly assess whether a girl is objectively into you based on the signs of interest you provided.

Am I missing something?

Her behaviour clearly shows that you are overstepping. I have met plenty of psycho girls and never heard or seen any girls show a coworker the finger or do anything similar for no good reason.

Move on and get more experience with women in general before you lose your job.

Best
Teevster

 

[spawn1789]

Waiting for the sequel post: "Got fired from my job for flirting with coworker"

Anyway my take on the situation: she never was interested, it is likely all in your head or her simply being playful and attention seeking and as a reault into a workplace harrasser. Seen this happen all too often when I was at UNI.

When reading between the lines here, thats more like what this seems like - and her reaction matches that. Furthermore the so-called sign of interest you describe are rather vague and weak ones and can easily be attributed to playful/attention-seeking behaviour.

Also based on your responses in this thread - you seem peetty inexperienced - in fact not experienced enough to be able to clearly assess whether a girl is objectively into you based on the signs of interest you provided.

Am I missing something?

Her behaviour clearly shows that you are overstepping. I have met plenty of psycho girls and never heard or seen any girls show a coworker the finger or do anything similar for no good reason.

Move on and get more experience with women in general before you lose your job.

Best
Teevster

Thanks for the insightful post.

Why I believe she was attracted to me from the get go was all the eye contacts, other body language signs and when I didn't proceed to ask her out, she became quickly cold and aloof. She is never playful or attention seeking with any other male in the office. She always hangs out with girls, strictly. But you could be right, perhaps her level of attraction was never high enough. But if I understand attraction and these dynamics correctly, the higher the attraction, the harder is auto rejection.

Generally my fundamentals are really great and had lots of pursuers in my office, I can talk to girls easily, so I have to disagree on your take on my experience, but no harm done, it is hard to evaluate over the internet.

Perhaps, due to my attraction towards her, I am interpreting her middle finger this way, but I don't see it as an overstep but more of an emotional reaction to my unnecessary comment.

 

[gameboy]

Do people in America actually get fired just for flirting? In Europe it's not a big deal, people flirt all the time. I don't think you can get fired unless you actually harass her physically (or maybe verbally if its serious).

 

[spawn1789]

Do people in America actually get fired just for flirting? In Europe it's not a big deal, people flirt all the time. I don't think you can get fired unless you actually harass her physically (or maybe verbally if its serious).

Exactly. I am always surprised when people write about it. I personally never experienced any negative consequences in regards to dating at the workplace, it is also (never) forbidden.

 

[Train]

Exactly. I am always surprised when people write about it. I personally never experienced any negative consequences in regards to dating at the workplace, it is also (never) forbidden.

I knew a guy who was almost escorted out by security because the girl accused him of workplace harassment. He had a huge stain on his reputation until he provided evidence to prove he's innocent. Another guy without receipts or witnesses was going to be shit out of luck. The situation was super stressful for him and probably aged him.

Moral of the story, even if you don't do anything wrong, you can be accused of worse and in for a rough time. If you have a job/career you care about, I'd be mindful of how workplace flirting can go sideways like this example

 

[Teevster]

Thanks for the insightful post.

Why I believe she was attracted to me from the get go was all the eye contacts, other body language signs and when I didn't proceed to ask her out, she became quickly cold and aloof. She is never playful or attention seeking with any other male in the office. She always hangs out with girls, strictly. But you could be right, perhaps her level of attraction was never high enough. But if I understand attraction and these dynamics correctly, the higher the attraction, the harder is auto rejection.

Generally my fundamentals are really great and had lots of pursuers in my office, I can talk to girls easily, so I have to disagree on your take on my experience, but no harm done, it is hard to evaluate over the internet.

Perhaps, due to my attraction towards her, I am interpreting her middle finger this way, but I don't see it as an overstep but more of an emotional reaction to my unnecessary comment.

OK thanks for the clarifications.

Remember that women can attention-seek with male they consider attractive - think about it, would you rather get attention from a hot girl or a nasty girl?

I am not implying she did not find you attractive, or were curious about you. Maybe she was, and based on what you write, she may have been. And when you did not make a move, she may have lost interest.

I know from a male-logic that this may seem weird, but you went from hot guy at work to creep. I do not consider you creep, to be clear - that's not the point. I am trying to write from a female perspective here.

The "creep" is not anything intrinsic - there are few things that actually make a man creepy per se (ok, perhaps if you look and act like gollum), but in female language a creep is "a guy who hits on here, who she is not interested in (anymore)". And female emotions are not static, nor is her interest in you.

Hence you went from sexy guy to creep. And a creep hitting on her is by her definition someone who harasses her, and if she goes up to HR (mostly women and cucks who will by default side with women), then that's the label you will get on you.

Did you have a shot? I do not know. Do you have a shot now? NO and my advice is MOVE ON. Persist and the consequences may be severe.

Did you miss the timing? maybe. Maybe you never had a shot. No way to deal, and in my book, going for girls at school and work is delicate - lots of risk involved. I think one should only do so once one is very experienced and able to really calibrate, and have the perfect timings, and know when it is better to be safe than sorry (in such context: most of the time it is better to risk-averse). Also, with experience you can more easily damage control.

IOIs give useful info, but I am one of those who are very skeptical to base too much of my decision-making on them. I prefer judging based on her compliance to me through compliance testing. More info here.

Again, to be clear, I am not trying to be nice to you, nor mean. I am just trying to be purely frank.

Learn from this, and go meet other women in places where you have little to lose from a rejection. And then, you can try the workplace thing in the future.

Best,
Alek

 

[Teevster]

But if I understand attraction and these dynamics correctly, the higher the attraction, the harder is auto rejection.

I don't agree. The higher the attention-seeking need is, the harder the auto-rejection. But yes, sometimes, what you say is also the case.

The world of seduction is nuanced. The Social is nuanced. It is just the way it is. At first that is challenging, but once you get really good, you will use that to your advantage.

My advice to my students is always: Some PATIENCE. It will all go well if you put in the work and happen to be dedicated and open-minded.

-Teevster

 

[Teevster]

Do people in America actually get fired just for flirting? In Europe it's not a big deal, people flirt all the time. I don't think you can get fired unless you actually harass her physically (or maybe verbally if its serious).

Depends where in Europe, and yes.

-Teevster

 

[Dash of Englishness]

If she does ever ask you out, I'd be quite worried about you if you were willing to accept.

 

[spawn1789]

I don't agree. The higher the attention-seeking need is, the harder the auto-rejection. But yes, sometimes, what you say is also the case.

The world of seduction is nuanced. The Social is nuanced. It is just the way it is. At first that is challenging, but once you get really good, you will use that to your advantage.

My advice to my students is always: Some PATIENCE. It will all go well if you put in the work and happen to be dedicated and open-minded.

-Teevster

Couple of days before the party there were some moments she was teasing me hard with questions such as:
- Are you gay? (after already asking her out)
- Another female colleague commented that I am mature and she was questioning it.
- I was talking about changing jobs, didn't answer directly a question and she went on pouting how I did not answer her questions

Basically such behaviour continued for such a long time it became annoying to be honest and so much that third female colleague commented "What a tension" two times. I have known her for a while and she never behaved in such manner. How I interpreted that - she was beginning to open herself back up to me after auto-rejected before. Or maybe she was just testing my patience and not yet attracted enough.

You don't have to comment on that, just an insight of the interaction.

Regardless, since coming back to the office, she won't even look at me - all in span of one week. We met in the kitchen, talked with others, she just shut up when I entered, didn't move away, just stayed there silently until everyone left.

I did made another major mistake afterwards being really drunk (wanted to hook up with another colleague with whom I was involved before) and I was told that "girls talk" and information reached her (they are both quite close) and logically she doesn't want to be just another one, even though I am quite crushing on her and would consider her more than just a fling. And now since she won't even look at me, these doors have been sealed completely. But that's for the whole another topic.