A Lover Goes Beyond

[Lover]

Today is the 12/12/2020. What a wonderful day to start a new journal. And I am ready to start of a new journey of my life.

This first post will be somewhat informative because I discovered one thing I lack to get success in any area of my life. This is a life-long problem which I can work with from now on until I, inevitably, discover something else that is making me struggle. For now, let's focus on this one key factor.

So what is this factor that has been holding me back for so long?

I'll tell by sharing a little story from today. Just because I miss being a storyteller lol

I have finally been able to hit the gym for almost three months week to week - a new record in terms of regularity! I've done supplementary workout through bouldering and calisthenics. I'm proud of this achievement, no doubt. It even felt better than graduating lol.

However, we were shut down again the other day. A lot of plans with friends were ruined, and I won't be able to go to the gym either. We can still go outdoors, to the grocery, to shopping malls etc. Sad times indeed. Probably won't see my family for this christmas.

I decided to get Convict Conditioning as shared in another thread. I figured I might as well get used to a workout that doesn't require barbells, dumbbells and other stuff. It should be efficient, but working out like this is also for free. I only paid 10 bucks for the Kindle edition. I can live with that.

I needed to work out today and was in a hurry to read about the program itself. I skipped a lot of pages to get to that good part. And I got there. But then I saw it... the program for a calisthenics newbie like myself... it was so basic for a guy. How can I even sink so low to do so few reps and sets of such basic exercises?

In the beginning I took issue with the exercises themselves. A little later, it was also the number of reps and sets. I also took issue with the amount of training the author wants you to perform during a day. Aaaand finally... I took issue with how long I had to follow the newbie program before moving on to the next level.

Before I began my workout, I had an epiphany about one thing I truly lack. The only times I did not lack this was when I was getting really good at my sport back in the days, and when I was in any kind of long term relationship with a girl.

It's not motivation, dedication or discipline... and I don't mind committing to a girl if she feels like the right one for me.

What I do lack is patience... I will tell more about it down below.

Wikipedia about patience:

Patience (or forbearance) is the ability to endure difficult circumstances such as perseverance in the face of delay; tolerance of provocation without responding in disrespect/anger; or forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can have before disrespect. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.

Yup, guilty as charged. I truly lack this to a high degree.

What happens when I want to do something like following a gym program, a pick up program etc. I may be able to follow it for a few weeks. Then one of two things happens:

1. I change my "strategy" too soon. Either I move to next step before I'm ready to, or I try something else at a similar level to freshen things a bit up (which is okay for a small while, but not to change strategy completely)
2. I don't wait around for the results to come, and boom, I completely withdraw.

They say patience is a virtue. And I don't doubt it is, provided you're actively working for the things you want in life. Doesn't matter what those things are. But never take an inactive approach under the disguise of patience... then you're feeding a lie to yourself.

However, the impatience can lead to a paradoxical inactivity because you're too eager to get results. And when you don't get it, and you're not in it for the process but the results only, you quit - at least for a while.

Why am I impatient?

Simple. I don't like to wait around. I want the results here and now. But I also want to get rid of feelings of pain and hurt immediately. Even when I was doing rehab after my two surgeries, I slacked in the end because of this paradox. I was too eager to get it over with.

(Another important related issue is that I (still) think too highly of myself. I guess early insecurity helped me create a narrative of me being better than what was objectively true. But that's for another post)

Any significant change you want to make in life should be considered a marathon. You're in it for the long haul.

I get it now.

Even if I recognize a problem I have here and now, I don't need to fix it right away if I'm working on something else. I'm good at throwing everything else I'm working on out through the window to focus on this new and exciting problem. Then everything piles up until you feel so overburdened, you wanna hide under your blanket... but if you know what you want in life, you don't have to go get it all right away. It's impossible to work with all that load on yourself.

Going through grief this year, I know that coping with long-lasting feelings of severe hurt, anger, sadness etc. may not be able to wait for the future. And they take the time they take until your biochemicals have been reset. But it's not impossible to work on everything else of your life meanwhile. You may not be in the best mood, but your life goes on no matter how you feel. During times of agony, remaining patient seems even more important than times where you feel good.

And with that said, I think this problem is more common than anything else when it comes to self development. I'm just stubborn and stupid to realize such a lesson almost 7 years after my self development journey began.

So back to the new workout program...

I did the exercises for today and realized I couldn't even do the "master level" of this current step, only the intermediate. Okay, so I feel challenged now. That's good.

Furthermore, each session only takes 10-15 minutes per day, including the warm up. This will be new to me.

But fuck...

This is also how successful people get success. They may only spend an hour every day to improve something they're working with, but then they do that one hour multiple times per week.

This is also how Chase tells you to practice day game in one of his posts when you're just starting out: go out for app 30 minutes with a specific goal in mind a few times per week

The answer has always been RIGHT in front of me. But I needed a lesson like this to understand it.

So, tldr version of this post

1. If you're too impatient it may lead to inactivity
2. Be patient enough to do a little bit every day instead of doing a lot for a short time
3. Your feelings don't matter. Time will go on, and you will have to overcome your shortcomings even though you're in a bad mental state

Okay. For the sake of practicing patience, let me end this post here. And next time I post here, I will talk about how to use patience for the next months to come.

 

[Lover]

Continuing the last post...

This week I had the opportunity to test being patient. It turned out like this:

• I don't feel as rushed as I'm used to
• I get more things done, although not all the things I want to
• I'm feeling the momentum
• I postpone the things that can wait
• But I need to be better at packing my lunch haha...

Girls
This year was quite the bummer in terms of my girls life. I talked to my ex in auto-rejection and paid the price. And after I moved, I slept with one fatty and kissed a bit with a neighbor. I could have tried to play the long game with the latter, but I wasn't in any place to do that.

I've met girls in my new circle, but I don't think they're hot. Few of them are cute (and I found out one them may be a very crazy one...) But many are just okay.

Just recently, my libido has started to really increase again... so I've been feeling those urges if I saw stuff like a pair of amazing tits. That didn't happen a month ago... It's like my body is telling me now it's time buddy. Stick that love-stick of yours into her love-cave.

How to meet new girls?
Cold approach. My experience with it in a systematic way is still little, so def a beginner.

What can I do at this very moment to improve that?
1) Get outside
I need to start with the number one basic when cold approaching: get out of the fucking door.
When outdoors, walk. My current city is relatively small, and I'm able to get basically anywhere without any public transportation. These days I also walk to work. It's not like a lot of people is walking around, but I guess I have no other choice for now.

For off-days I will make scheduled walks if I won't go out for other purposes.

2) Open
How to open if I get that far? Speak my mind. Although do open direct if it's a street stop. Otherwise, get more in the habit of saying what's on my mind, also with strangers. I've been practicing this at work and in my circle already.

Let's see how this works when my overall purpose is teaching myself to be in it for the long haul

 

[Lover]

Can you believe it. I'm struggling with the nicer side of myself when it comes to this married mother I slept with the other day. She has no shame about it and neither do I. She is eager to meet up again.

Anyway. The part I'm struggling with is that her hubby had a suspicion about it, and she finally admitted it to him. And what did the guy do? He asked her if she wanted it to be open, for her - and probably their children's - sake. But then again, she still wants him to sign the divorce papers... And she even admitted (to me) she got excited about the fact that he knows and still allows it. He is cucking himself. Dude... How can you just accept it like this?

Sleeping with her was all the red pill I needed about some girls in LTR's. Some of the things she told me... It felt like they were almost taken from articles in the female psychology section. I knew all this already. But seeing some of it upfront really makes it sink in. More about the lessons in another post

 

[Lover]

Forewords
I'm still not the best at reading other people's emotion and understanding subtleties, but I'd say I have moved into a new and exciting territory recently. I'm much more mindful. One thing I'm doing differently these days is letting the vibe I'm getting sink in more. When I do this, I feel calmer and feel like I respond better to the vibe I'm getting from the other party. This is also according to the primary goal of my journey at this time: embracing patience. Somehow, it has supported me in understanding the (sub)context of the conversation on a more conscious level. Maybe it is because I don't rush through things as much. I take my time.

I can also tell when I feel inadequate about my value to certain topics mid-conversation. Then instead of rambling on about things that are of less value, I take my time to listen and make the other party talk instead, and perhaps asking a few question here and there before moving on to a new topic.

I have yet to learn how to induce certain feelings in other people instead of only responding to their emotions. This is more important when it comes to girls I want to seduce. I did it unconsciously with the married mother from my above post, but this experience made me more aware of it. It's easier when you get a feeling that it is okay. But what about if you create that feeling instead...?

Anyway.

The story
I met the married mother at work. I don't remember the exact details until a certain point: I tease her that foreign guys (like myself) are troublemakers who tend to get native girls (like herself) into trouble with them. She loves it, giggles and flirts back. I meant it as an innocent comment. But I think it was at this point she stops hitting the brakes and speeds up instead.

In the next seven days or so when we were both at work, there is no doubt about the subtleties in her comments. The vibe was hot. She even involved some of our other coworkers in our conversation when it was at its hottest - but we were still talking in generalities to keep it under the radar. Like she was talking about a tv series which was all about genitals, and I could easily tell her she got/was aroused talking about it. I never had this little doubt about what was going on.

Then one day after work, she calls me and straight up asks me if she was the only one feeling some chemistry. She was sitting in her car. I didn't expect it to be this straightforward because I knew about her family. I play it safe first, telling her that I was only flirting for the sake of flirting.

But thirty minutes later when we end the call, I learned that she had kissed some guys in their long relationship when she was drunk, which her hubby knew. He saw her as his one and only. And according to her, she wished that girls found him attractive, and he was more like the guy she fell in love with. I was more exciting, and people get bored doing the same thing over and over every day. Once we reach a mutual understanding, we tease each other about the baaaddd things we could do to each other. I then realize I won't be destroying a relationship that isn't meant to be destroyed anyway and tell her "I'm not closed off to the idea of being your affair. But I'd appreciate we keep this under the radar". Of course she agrees to that. We hang up and text a bit until we schedule a day.

She comes over one day after her she has started at her new workplace, and we have a good time. It was smooth sailing, so not much to report on regarding the sex except the highlights. We get a glass of water for 5 minutes before I shut the curtains and lead her to my bed. It's a three step walk from my dining table lol. No resistance at all.

Highlights

• She sucks like a pro. Like, really pro.
• I don't feel like going down on her though. Finger her clit good before I take her in different positions.
• I realize midway that I am not feeling her all that much because she's not among the hottest girls I've slept with. But fuck it, I'm tired of dry spells and sperm is cheap hahaha
• I cum from her sucking me and handjobbing at the same time. She did suck like a pro...
• She is amazed by all the cum and how long I lasted

Afterwards she has to hurry to get back home.

Follow up

We have been keeping up since then and will meet in a few days. I've been displaying bad leadership unfortunately, and she is thinking it could develop into something more. This is partly my fault because we texted a bit too often. But partly it is because she has been wanting to get a divorce for a while. And I think she wants to bounce over to me - and not the rebound kind of bounce.

Despite the difference in age and difference in how many children we have each (I have none), she didn't hide the fact that she was hoping we could become more bf-gf-ish. This one was a bit too honest about the chemistry and hubby parts, and now she's a bit too honest about this. And she doesn't seem to handle well when I'm honest back that I'm not looking for a relationship anytime soon. She replied that we could see years down the road. Perhaps I could make it more personal and state tactfully that we won't be getting anywhere because we are too different... but on the other hand, if I treat her like a FWB, she will have to play along that frame instead or leave. I think talking about it creates more difficulties.

The lessons
Besides what I wrote in the forewords and follow-up...

Chase once made a post about monogamous relationships being able to work out. The thing is that most people 1) have a craving for novelty and 2) want a feeling of their significant other being the same person they fell in love with.

The first is important to feel like the relationship is going somewhere. You go from lovers to partners to marriage. Then what? Go dance together, go travel together, go get new exciting food together etc. Share good times with each other.

The second is important because we want the partner we fell in love with. That partner should more or less be the same. Becoming a better person never hurts, but you can still leave the other party behind if you only get better by yourself.

A relationship can probably work to some degree if one of the above is lacking. But if both are lacking, it is doomed to get fucked eventually.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Zoro]

On patience, I can totally relate. What's helped me was getting into meditation and buddhism. The practice, not the religion.

I think talking about it creates more difficulties.

Oh yeah. Communication through actions and behaviors is better. If you're only seeing her once in awhile, that's much clearer than any conversation. Same thing if you're seeing her regularly and doing bf/gf stuff, actions basically negate conversations lol.

 

[Lover]

On patience, I can totally relate. What's helped me was getting into meditation and buddhism. The practice, not the religion.

Back when I was a more impatient mofo and thought "NOW I WANT TO MEDITATE DAILY", I meditated daily 40 days straight or so. It was relieving at first. But I became too addicted and burned out because of it. It became stressful, and I would feel weird post-session. Then I let it go... I have done it sporadically since then. I guess like, with everything else, it should be done well-balanced. So regarding patience, I guess the best solution for me at this time was to let the feeling of learned lessons really sink in. But meditation could def become something I do on a weekly basis.

Oh yeah. Communication through actions and behaviors is better. If you're only seeing her once in awhile, that's much clearer than any conversation. Same thing if you're seeing her regularly and doing bf/gf stuff, actions basically negate conversations lol.

IME it can be a double-edged sword. Some girls have absolutely no clue what you're sub-communicating. They can be way off mark when they guess your intentions. Usually those with experience are better. I'm not sure where this one lies in that spectrum. But I guess now that I've told her I'm not expecting anything serious between us, the only thing I can do is back it up. An awful lot of times, we guys fuck things up because we only talk the talk... but don't follow through

 

[Lover]

LR: blond intern. Probably the hottest girl I've slept with to this date, but boring sex

Meeting
At work we had two breaks where we talked about our mutual interest of drinking - it's not really an interest of mine. But I have some drinks/liquor I prefer, and that makes relatable conversation. Because of that, we talked about meeting in bars.

Setting up a date
We never had any time to get each other's contact info, but I found her on Facebook anyway and added her. I was a bit nervous if she thought it was creepy because she never told me her full name, I found it randomly on a journal. But she broke the ice by thanking me for adding her. We "small talked" a bit on text. Out of nowhere, she invited me to bars on two occasions which I had to reject because of other plans. She was also there with her own friends, and I wonder if that would have been good to get her back home. I end up inviting to a bar to play pool one day after work, just the two of us. She gladly accepted the invite.

First date
We meet at the scheduled time. She got there on time while I was a few minutes late. We go inside and get a table and beers - or rather, she insisted we got beers. We talk about ourselves, her mostly talking about her future plans. She plans to leave the country when she finishes her studies after new year. We also talk about why we like our line of work, and I think this was where we really found a "deep" similarity between us. While playing our turns, we walk pass each other. The more times we pass each other, the more I touch her. At one point, I just let my fingers linger on her back. At another point we hold eye contact for a few seconds and smile before I pull her into me for a longer lasting side hug, and she snuggles into my body. This hug felt like she was "my girl" now - you know what I mean if you read Alabaster Girl. I also touch her when I look at her tattoos and ask the stories. She openly tells me about the ones she can't show here. I wondered if she was hinting something by that.

I have some plans afterwards, and she follows me there as it is on her way home. I felt like holding her hand during the walk and when we hugged goodbye but couldn't make myself do it.

Setting up next meeting
A couple days later, I was planning how to spend this week before going out of the city for the weekend. My initial plan was to chill the day before leaving with some ice cream and a movie. Hours later, I tell myself to invite her over and do so but tell her we will sit on my balcony instead to enjoy the sunset. She says yes. Before we meet again, she invites me to a bar one more time but once again I have plans already.

Second meet
We get the ice cream and walk back to my place, a two minute walk. We sit in my balcony and I also pour us wine. I think we talked for 45 minutes and had two glasses of wine before I suggest we go back inside. When we touched in that, only I was initiating, and she didn't really reciprocate. She's bad at silences, and it became impossible to let the tension rise with that method. Maybe she was avoiding the tension, or maybe she felt it and defused it that way.

We hop on my bed, she lies down on her back my arm under her head. We talk and drink some more and she puts a bag of tobacco in her gum. We talk about our impressions of each other. To my surprise she calls me a good guy. Before making any judgment about that I ask her how she got that impression. She tells me stuff like I'm not abusing drugs. That's cool haha

Funny thing is that I thought she was a good girl too. She tried to prove my wrong by telling me about people close to her calls her a bad bitch - for fun - because she swears a lot. I use this banter about my impression as a way to get close to her face when I want to let her know she's "wrong" and pull it back when I finish my "argument". She fights me back with her words only. I do this "face close, face away" a couple of times, getting closer and closer to her face each time until I let her lips meet mine.

The sex and foreplay wasn't that exceptional to be honest. Just as with the touches, she's quite passive in bed and doesn't show a lot of enthusiasm like I'm used to. It feels like she's holding back her moans. She doesn't try to blow me - which was fine since I am finishing treatment for an STD - and doesn't even touch my dick. I enjoy her body as she has an amazing pair of tits and lips, and finger her. And I got to see the rest of the tattoos. The only active thing she does in this round is that she places my head between her tits + pushes me away from missionary and gets herself ready for doggy. I cum during prone bone

Afterwards we're just lying in bed while I touch her here and there. I'm a bit puzzled that even now she's passive. But out of the blue she asked me in an ironic way if I do this with every intern. I replied "I didn't sleep with any other in our department". She was curious who else I had been with, and I shared generalities. She wondered if I was going to fuck another intern in our department haha. It was all said in a good spirit but it could have been a test too?

She also said something about me conquering her and changed her stance about me being a good guy at this point. I don't remember anymore detail about these particular topics. But I do remember I got horny again when I was grabbing her tit. Like I did with my face before we kissed the first time, I used the same principle when I moved my hand further and further down until I reached her clit and fingered her once again. Minutes into this she tells me I have to fuck her again. I make her repeat it, claiming I didn't hear it

I fuck her again, this time only in missionary, and I'm harder. It sounds like she's enjoying it a bit more too. I still couldn't make her moan as loud as i wanted too, it still felt like she was holding back

It is late now. We lie a bit before she gets dressed and leaves shortly after.

Reflections
1) What helped me to sleep with this girl was the proactive effort from myself and assuming attraction despite the seemingly lack of interest

2) The sex was pretty boring because she couldn't let go of her inhibitions. And she didn't seem to care about me or her pleasure. I wonder how much I can change that and make sex

3) The whole me conquering her thing seems a bit too much for me, especially since it comes from her own mouth. I have a hard time discerning if this was a test and/or a real opinion. Her (lack of) action all the way + the way she talked about me getting other girls seem to back it up. I also wonder how much I can change that

She's interesting in the sense that I haven't met anyone feeling like this before. I'm curious to see if she wants to keep going, or if she feels the one day of conquest was enough

 

[Lover]

I invited the blond girl over for another good time. She dogded it, saying it was a bad idea because we work in the same department. I didn't see the issue because she will be leaving it at the end of the month. But before determining what I thought she meant, I asked her to clarify. And she answered she wanted to focus on her exam - which doesn't explain anything (but during the afterglow, she did say she wanted to wait until the summer). I let it go and wished her luck. Better to leave her and send some harmless meme in the summer to see where she's at, rather than push for a lay here and now. We won't really be seeing each other at work because of my schedule, but she doesn't know this.

On some level, it feels like a fuck up. But I can't determine when the fuck up happened... was it during the afterglow when she asked weird questions about other interns and felt slutty for not being the only one? Or was it because I fucked her before she left the department? Hmmm....

And on some level, it didn't feel like a fuck up, not when I look at the whole picture. We reached one hook point when we played pool. After that there was really no emotional connection. So I didn't feel like I had to make her feel special. I was drawn to her looks. I did try to deep dive and get her to open up about more secret stuff to feel attracted to her person too, but to no avail. And at no point before, during or after sex did she touch me. Perhaps our love languages were just different...

The married mother also returned from her unsuccesful boyfriendship that lasted a week or so. But I haven't been able to get her to meet me since then...

And all this ended with one terrible thing... I used porn as a way to gain control instead of staying patient to meet new girls. When this happened, I remembered another girl where the almost same thing happened as with the blond. She evaded my attempts to meet again after the first lay. I tried two times with that girl and autorejected. I felt so down because I actually felt an emotional connection to this girl, unlike blondie.

But wow... it's so easy to use porn to feel in control, but feel bad when you're finished. Yay me... the pattern must change

Fortunately I was out with a friend of friends today, which was planned for a while. She was kind of cool and physically attractive for someone in her mid 30's. For now I don't see things go anywhere lovey dovey with her and I'm gonna keep things with her exclusively to our mutual hobby. And when I think about this, I realize how much social fundamentals and priorities have grown from this journey. And that's why I have:

 

[Lobo]

On some level, it feels like a fuck up. But I can't determine when the fuck up happened... was it during the afterglow when she asked weird questions about other interns and felt slutty for not being the only one? Or was it because I fucked her before she left the department? Hmmm....

I had a girl ask me a weird question like this post sex as well. I said I was going to a waterpark with family the day after and she said in a jokingly tone "ah yea maybe you can fuck some more pussy there too" and I responded with "yea probably"

I think we both messed up in that situation because we didn't address the elephant in the room from the frame both our girls gave us. We fuck bitches and those girls probably think they are just another lay for us... not the best feeling in the world I'd imagine. And it also falls into a one night stand frame(at least what I said)

I haven't been in this situation again to see what actually works when girls say this, but I'm thinking they need comfort and validation so we can manage our attainability.

I'm thinking of doing something like
"I'm actually really picky about who I let in my little ecosystem... and you just had this glowing energy about that was hard to not be drawn to . I think it was when you did/said(or looked at me like x) that I told myself, 'I had to have this girl' "
All the while you give her some deep eye contact and she's probably nestled in your arms. I do think you have to calibrate to the girl though as if she's already super sold on you anyways she might want to make you her boyfriend after something like this. Also have to appear really genuine or we exacerbate the problem haha

But this communicates that she's special, she won you over, and that you are still a player that fucks girls(and that you are picky so you only fuck baddies)

 

[Lover]

I had a girl ask me a weird question like this post sex as well. I said I was going to a waterpark with family the day after and she said in a jokingly tone "ah yea maybe you can fuck some more pussy there too" and I responded with "yea probably"

I think we both messed up in that situation because we didn't address the elephant in the room from the frame both our girls gave us. We fuck bitches and those girls probably think they are just another lay for us... not the best feeling in the world I'd imagine. And it also falls into a one night stand frame(at least what I said)

I haven't been in this situation again to see what actually works when girls say this, but I'm thinking they need comfort and validation so we can manage our attainability.

I'm thinking of doing something like
"I'm actually really picky about who I let in my little ecosystem... and you just had this glowing energy about that was hard to not be drawn to . I think it was when you did/said(or looked at me like x) that I told myself, 'I had to have this girl' "
All the while you give her some deep eye contact and she's probably nestled in your arms. I do think you have to calibrate to the girl though as if she's already super sold on you anyways she might want to make you her boyfriend after something like this. Also have to appear really genuine or we exacerbate the problem haha

But this communicates that she's special, she won you over, and that you are still a player that fucks girls(and that you are picky so you only fuck baddies)

This girl just followed my lead and didn't challenge, test or resist me at any time pre-lay. I once sent a text saying she's cute enough, and she reacted with a laughing emoji. She went along with a super casual frame, and I didn't sense any need from her to feel I cared for her.

Maybe I was fooled by that when she jokingly asked me about "conquering" other girls. I'm used to girls asking directly why I picked them during the afterglow. New territory for me...

On the other hand, and less likely, maybe she just wanted to fuck once and move on. I can't rule this out yet

It will be interesting to see if she really just wants to focus on her studies now that I agreed to that frame, or if she is moving on already. To be continued...

 

[Lover]

LR: semi-public ONS with horny blondie


Background
I’m attending a day-long graduation party/get-together hosted by a good friend of mine in my home city. We meet in the backyard of her apartment complex. I don’t know about half the people there. The other half I know from high school, haven’t seen them in many years. I’m wearing a white t-shirt, a light sand-colored button-down shirt, black stretch pants, blue sneakers and jewelry. The weather is great, and everybody’s smiling.

The first couple of hours is spent on drinking games, eating dinner, catching up with the old friends and watching a game of sports. Our national team scores a goal at one point where they take the lead for good. While celebrating this goal, I lock eyes with this blonde girl in a cute blue dress who is sitting behind me. We shout “yeeaah” to each other, she points her fingers at me, and we high five each other just before my new friends grab me, and we jump in the air together. Our team win the game, and the next hour is spent celebrating the victory.

The next two hours is spent on more drinking games. I have one game against this blonde girl from before and her friend while I team up with another guy. Nothing of significance happens here except we win.

After I play my last game with another team, I see she’s sitting on a bench with her friend and another guy I have been talking to earlier. Here’s where things get interesting…

Hello - who are you?
I sit down on a chair right next to her. I don’t remember exactly what I say here, or if I touch to get her attention. But once we get eye contact, both of us just hold it… and I don’t remember for how long. I get aware of most of my non-verbal communication right now… the smirk… the eyebrow elevation… the piercing eye contact that lasted like what, 20-30 seconds…? It felt like forever. I don’t remember a whole lot of our conversation… until she says “I’m not certain you want me too”...

It’s on.

At this point, I consciously realize she’s green light, and my goal is to not fuck it up.

I don’t remember a lot of our talk while she’s sitting on the bench. She does talk a bit about her impression of me, all based on our eye contact. Between the lines, she’s hinting that I’m confident with girls. I tease her that she loves being a tease, but she turns it back on me. She begins smoking and asks me to smoke with her. I don’t know how to smoke, but I tell her a true story of a time where I talked to a friend and broke her smoke in two. The friend was pissed but I said something about looking out for my friends, and she didn’t smoke ever since. She asks if I dare break her smoke in two. I do it with no hesitation. I think she reacts with no care to this, but I'm happy to avoid smoke breath.

A song comes on she wants to dance to, and I don’t really mind joining. We dance in front of the others, but we’re in our own bubble. When the song is ending, I go sit on the chair again while she follows. She asks me to sit on the bench with her, which I agree to.

On round 2 of sitting together, she escalates more. She touches my cheek with her own cheek and nose. Our legs are touching on the sides. She touches my cheek softly with her lips and let them linger there for a little bit… in front of everybody else. I’m still having second thoughts about whether she’s being a cocktease or not. But I go with my better judgement and sense it’s time to pull very soon. I’m just not sure where to.

The host announces that it’s time to clean up the backyard and move to another location. But we’re so deep in our bubble at this point that we really don’t care. Another song comes on she wants to dance to, so let’s go. While the song is playing, we’re doing a lot of physical push and pull. We slowly find our way to an open shed nearby in the very same backyard. En route I tease her that I can totally see us having a love-hate relationship. She agrees in her drunken state, teasing me that she already hates me so much.

We reach the open entrance of the shed, and it's full of dumpsters.

And I can’t hold it in any longer…

I pull her into the shed, push her against the wall and start kissing the fuck out of her.

How long since we had prolonged eye contact the first time? 30 minutes ago, or so? But it felt like forever…

I don’t know… and I don't even know her name... all I know is that I’m going with my gut feeling right now, and I love it. She loves it too, naughty girl.

Getting to sex
I start feeling up her body… grab her tits hard through her tight blue dress… put a hand on the side of her throat lightly and kiss the other side… start feeling her clit outside her dress… making her impatient for a “naked” touch. She pulls up her long dress so my fingers can reach her stomach and get behind her underwear. This girl is horny as hell and forces my hand from her clit to her vagina. I tell her to suck my dick, and she does for a short while before she teases my dick with her behind…

She wants to be penetrated so badly. Her eyes are shouting “give me the time of my life” …

And I sure as hell brought no condoms…

Fuck it. Barebacked it is. How am I supposed to deny her this experience when I want it too…

And so, we do it… I fuck her from behind, in the semi-public space where anybody in the backyard from the party or the other neighbors can find us easily… but we don’t really care… this bubble is so intense at this moment that my parents could find me, and I still wouldn’t give a damn. Two random people walk by... and we are interrupted by a guy from the party at a time when we are kissing and not fucking – which will be important later.

I also fuck her in this position where I rest one of her legs on my arm and fuck her from the front, almost like a standing missionary. Hot hot hot …

And even when I slip out of her wet pussy and finger her clit, she forces my hand into her vagina and gets another round of Lover's magical fingers inside her. Her appetite is unstoppable, and she turns her head around to let me know through her eyes and mouth her joy doing this.

Because of the interruption and because I have somewhere else to be, I lose focus and get out of the bubble… but her eyes and her horniness try to get me back into it… and she is succeeding for a while. But I really can’t stay and must go. I do offer to follow her to the others because they are in a park close by.

However, I get a call on route that the other place I have to go is cancelled.

Our friends have cleaned up the place, now she can’t find her stuff.

I try to offer her a lift to my place once she gets her stuff, but she denies sternly that she’s not going home with me. I sense something’s up and only persist one more time to no avail. She hates me for being a pussytease.

Meeting up with the others again
We walk hand-in-hand to the park and find the others. Things get interesting... Her friend turns out to be her sister lol. Her sister has her stuff, but we find her with an injury because she fell to the ground before we got there. So now they must go to the ER, and I don’t see her again. Before they go, the sister tells her how she was worried because she didn’t know where she was.

As they go, we don’t say a proper goodbye. Then I will enjoy more of the night with the new people now that I have nowhere else to be. The guy that interrupted us by accident asks what happened. I claim to be drunk and remember nothing of it, in a joking manner.

The aftermath
The day after, she hits me up on messenger only to ask me to keep things a secret, no thank you or stuff like that. She’s well aware we were caught kissing. I tell her sure, I want things that way too. She’s relieved and thanks me. I also ask if her sister is okay and get no response to this. I suppose it's already a big deal for her to contact me like this.

However, I get another message from her the next day when I’m back home. I can see on my notification bar that she wants me to comfort her a second time about keeping this a secret because she has a boyfriend who got hurt when she told him about our affair. Before I can see the whole message in the app, she has deleted the message. Oh well, guess I better leave it like this… I already told her it will be a secret, our one night stand...

Thoughts

• The bubble we created was almost magical. I feel like less words made this possible. Tension was sky high, but it was a good kind of tension. We almost had no regard for everybody else. And even if I got distracted, I could sense she was checking me out. When I did look back, this was definitely the case. This is definitely something I will experiment with more... I do talk too much sometime... perhaps pregnant pauses will be of help in the future since we barely had a conversation. And once I realized she was DTF, I continued the conversation in the same pace.
  
  
• She almost hung out with her sister the whole event until I sat down next to her. When I was on the bench, I did have a feeling that I should talk to her sister too to let her know I was a safe guy. I didn’t get the chance but seeing that she was worried about her when we found her later, was all the proof I needed that she wanted some reassurance too. On the other hand, no damage is done besides her sister worrying. She was all like "I'm here now".

 

[Lover]

Dear fellow seducers. If you read my this post, know that I need your help and your support to get out of my shell. If the background story seems too long, scroll down to the "Dear seducers" part.

If you want to read the whole thing, I'll start this rant with a simple, yet powerful quote...

"You guys have to move faster, otherwise the girl will be gone forever!"

These were the words of a new female friend. I have read similar things here and gotten inspired. But hearing another person (a girl) that roots for me saying those words hit hard ... I couldn't disagree with her at all. Something is weird about men not approaching someone that could become their dream girl. Even your female friends know this and root for you if they think you deserve good times with girls (= you're not some bitter man only running around getting devastated from a rejection, you want the best experiences with girls).

"I know, I knooow... I recently had quite the opposite experience actually", I told her and gave the headlines of my recent lay (the ONS from my last post).

But the girl in this post is gone for good... my god, she was FINE

Went to a good friend's wedding couple of days ago. Saw her from behind and was instantly attracted to the look of her. Blond hair, slim figure, tight-fitting black dress revealing a beautiful back and a set of nice legs. What's with me and blondies these days... anyway, I found her way later that evening, and she looked FINE. It's been a while I was actually turned on by a girl's face. As I passed by her, we got eye contact, only being a few metres away from each other. She smiled, and I think I smirked with a sexy look, definitely felt that way... and her returning the smile felt like she appreciated the attention... she was surrounded by friends I knew nothing of. I was certain she was "my girl". But instead of applying the "approach a smiling girl NOW" mindset, I figured "approach a smiling girl LATER" would benefit me this time... well, this was certainly not the case.

At one point we actually passed each other but didn't do anything... I'm not sure why exactly. But my conscious mind has been trying to backward rationalize that since she was moving, she was not approchable... fuck

It had become so late that I found one of my new friends I made at the bachelor party. He had been talking with her tonight. He told me she became single recently and that I made a good call to spot one of the few single girls there. However, just as I asked him about her, she and her friends were on their way home. And I certainly had no lover qualities right there 'cause I didn't even try to say hi... fuck

When I was getting home, I became furious at my lack of even trying. I mean wow... even if it didn't turn into a lay that night, what would have happen if I Just said hi and grabbed her number instead, despite living in the other end of the country?

This was not the kind of patience I intended to practice...

I still have ways to go to make approaches consistently...

Had I been able to reverse time and start over, I still doubt whether to open the girl or the whole group... I could get a drink and say cheers to join their conversation.

But fuck, man... as late as this afternoon, I'm getting home on my bike with two bags of groceries... I don't look that sexy when I ride my bike with an ugly helmet, two bags of groceries hanging from the handle and all... but now that I'm training to get eye contact with anybody - and attractive girls in particular - it baffles me to not even do something as simple as saying hi when a group of three girls is passing me, and I get eye contact with the most attractive one at the corner of my eyes...

I'm angry at my past self for getting into an approach routine, then dropping it...

I'm angry at my next past self for living up to the self-fulfilling prophecy of "if I'm not approaching anymore despite wanting it, I probably don't want it anyway"

And I'm angry at my current self not being able to prove my last self wrong yet... the sun is up, and I still only stick to the safe choices - girls from social circle and work ... even then, I still miss opportunities because I don't say hi to the most attractive girls...

Saying hi doesn't even require a technique... all it takes is putting myself out there. Even if I'm with friends, fucking walk up to a girl and say hi, even if there is no eye contact. No witty remarks in the beginning, no clever lines, nothing. Just a fucking hi.

It's time to make a commitment

And I swear by this post that I will make my approaching work again one way or another. I don't want to get stuck deciding whether to approach someone. I want to stop caring about any embarrassment BEFORE I approach anyone.

I will move on from the dreaded "no-verbal, all-eye contact" zone into the "verbal" zone with these beauties.

I have been getting used to thinking carefully about a lot of situations in my life before making any decision, and I do follow through with my decisions. But... "You guys have to move faster, otherwise the girl will be gone forever!"

Dear fellow seducers
I feel quite desperate, but I don't care about that...

I don't feel my approach count is acceptable as it is now, and I know I will suffer from more regret if I don't fix this. I see a lot of girls I want to approach, especially in this hot and less-restricted summer, but I don't approach. At this very moment, it is the matter of approaching. I hope you will support me on my journey. I have worked hard to get my groove back, and I feel like I'm this close to make something work. And I think I need one last push from likeminded people to make this work

I want to be better at getting from the instinct that I should approach a girl to actually approach her...

I want to be better at approaching regardless of the social context...

And later, I want to be better at showing my intent early on and creating the kind of bubble that makes everything feel so intimate from the get-go... but patience and consistency will get me there.

And I don't want to get stuck writing another journal mostly on missed opportunities. I'm done with that. At this point, I have to make this work.

Thanks for reading. I'm open to any kind of support. Any tips, goals or whatever you come up with are appreciated!

 

[Lover]

Feels like I'm completely rusty with cold approaches. Good thing I went out with some friends tonight. I really need to train approaching more often.

I got prolonged eye contact with two hotties in two different bars and we smiled to each other both times. I felt the beginning of a bubble each time. I had the balls to actually say hi to the last one. It was all instinctive... she saw my mouth moving but probably couldn't hear it as she passed me with her friend. Felt like I should have grabbed her arm instead or followed her.

I need to become more selfish and leave my friends for a little bit to talk to a girl (the ones sitting or standing by a bar) when I get a feeling someone I'm attracted to makes approach invitations

And more hi's next time.

 

[Lover]

The mother that was married when I met her has reached her limit in the FWB setting, is my guess. Most FWB relationships won't last longer than six months. The girl will either drift away slowly without bringing up any good excuse, or tell you straight up she can't meet anymore. With this one I think it's the former. She never suggested a meet up the last few months but sent suggestive pictures until recently. She almost did a 180

This has been challenging because I'm still not used to girls doing this when things seem to be going great. But when their emotional needs are not met, I guess this may be easier in some cases. And maybe it's all a test to see if I will commit more to her. She's not gf material to me though

I'm getting the feeling that she wants me to step up or leave... but how can I get things on my term if I do that? Then I decided I had to turn off any notification I could get from her and put her on a backburner for some time.

It is humbling to see someone go from doing things almost on my terms only, to want to set some terms now. Makes me wonder how much control I actually do have in these relationships if I want to keep being honest with myself and her.

I was tempted to tell her we could not meet anymore... but that would be my ego talking because I sometimes feel insulted they want to set terms this late. Glad I got to stop myself from this

 

[Lover]

Another nightout yesterday. Actually pretty good when my current goal is to get out of my shell and follow my gut feeling. At one point I'm in this night club where me and my buddy go to one of the balconies because I spotted a hottie on her way there. It's completely crowded when we get there, and I accidently bump into another hottie and her friend. Another pair of friends bump into me later, and I talk to them too. I use them to get some momentum. It helped as the night went on.

This was close to the time when everything was shutting at 2 am. Fuck you COVID.

Just before I'm making my way back inside, I get eye contact and a smile with a cutie passing by me. When I'm getting inside, she's just standing by the door with her two friends. I say hi to her and she says hi back with a huge smile before I just go back to find our table. Don't see her anymore this night.

Downtown when bars and nightclubs have shut down. We're standing outside a McDonald, and I feel like it looks desperate when we approach people passing by. I tell my friends to walk around instead and see if we find anybody hosting or looking for an afterparty. We do talk to some groups but none bites. Maybe I can make up for this when I move into my a new place soon.

The details are in the process, and I'm more satisfied than last time. This time I did actually say hi to someone giving an indication she was open to talk AND she heard it this time. And I initiated conversations with all kind of random people. This is good as I've been working on the same during the day after I wrote about my issues in the chat. It's been even fewer approaches during the day. But at least it's going somewhere now!

 

[Lover]

I feel like something is changing inside me after my recent vacation.

I went to a country in Northern Africa all alone, no security net, no one to back me up, nothing. I have travelled alone before, but meeting other seducers. This time is different because I must become completely self-reliant in this arena.

And as I was there in this foreign country, I felt the "experimental" approach make more and more sense and felt the itch to become more experimental myself. Except the one German girl I met when we were sailing in the ocean + going out on Friday and Saturday, nothing of significance happened to make this experimental approach become part of my mindset. I still had a hard time getting out of my shell but I realized that there was no need to hide in a shell when nobody knew me. And this is also what happens when I'm back home - nobody knows me in the streets, in transportation, in the mall etc. NOBODY

I have a hard time believing I had to travel just a week, all by myself, to get to this point.

So get out of that fucking shell...

Once I'm settled in my new place, goals will be made to get over the worst of my approach anxiety and have a good time with people

To be continued...

 

[Lover]

Still settling into my new place. But these off-periods from self-development sometimes prove to be the best times of developing something. In my case, my mental framework. Case in point:

When furnishing my place, I was close to buy only boring furnitures because I cared about the opinions of others. Then I decided "screw it, it's my home", and now I'm buying the stuff I want myself.

The word

"unapologetic"

has been in my head a lot lately because of this. And I wasn't planning to apply this unapologetic mindset in other ways yet.

Then at work today, I see this attractive brunette intern with mesmerizingly blue eyes. We have passed each other a couple of times, smiling each time (note to self: wink another time). She's alone at the dining spot in one of the offices. I approach her confidently by having firm eye contact, sticking my hand out and introducing myself with a smile. This first step + the conversation went smoothly although I was getting my lunch. I didn't close in time since we got interrupted and got out of flow. Then we had to go our separate ways. And I probably won't see her again before her internship ends

Take-aways
I have done more bold things in the past to open girls I was less attracted to. But considering how much I was in my shell recently, I'm proud of this moment. I can't remember the last time I introduced myself so confidently to a girl I'm this attracted to and not caring about her opinion. Those blue eyes...

I approached her, I moved as fast as I could, and I accepted my attraction for her - all unapologetically.

And even if it's just one girl, I had to post it here. It's a milestone I have been wanting to pass for a long long time - to just talk with hotter girls *heart-eyes emoji*

 

[Lover]

With this post, I want to reflect upon the social development I have been going through the last couple of years.

It started with this cute little journal three years ago. Let me tell you a bit about my background to make a clear picture of how we got here.

*sob story incoming - just kidding*

Background
The first couple of years in school, the teachers thought I suffered from diagnoses like autism or ADHD. No doubt I was full of energy as a child should be, but apparantly there were moments in class where I didn't know the "rules" well enough. They "dropped the charges" and I was free of getting a diagnosis. (I didn't know this until I was moving out from my parents').

The later grades weren't any better. I got bullied once I changed school and had to return to my old school. That was back when people were hitting puberty. And some of the guys created their own version of being hood/gangsta, inspired by 2Pac, Biggie and crips/bloods lol. They were Middle Eastern like myself, and I thought they were ridiculous dressing and behaving like but didn't engage them. However they engaged me and made sure to let me know I was a nerd and wouldn't get any girls like this. THey tried to use me for proving their physical and social dominance. I had no idea what frame was back then and let them decide it. I had been known as the sensitive guy.

Funniest thing back then: I cared about their opinion despite not knowing what a nerd was. When they said it like that, it must have been an insult.

The girl part was interesting though...

In an effort to discover my love life, I was in an online chat forum for youths and met a great deal of peers there since girls in school were not that interesting. Back then, spiky hair was the trend, but I never got a decent haircut before I was losing my hair.

But I became the first or second in my class to sleep with another person and take her as a girlfriend. We broke up six months later, but other girls let their availability be known to me and I understood the signs since I met them, kissed them and sex with them. This continued well throughout high school and my sport social circle but not into university unfotunately.

Because meanwhile I was having fun with girls here and there... I struggled more with my social life.

It's not that I didn't want friends, but I didn't understand these small games people were playing to fit in the cool crowd, or understand the nuances of interaction that I learned from romantic encounters in a regular social setting.

I remember one girl from my high school class in particular. To me she was the meanest piece of shit I have ever known, and only towards me as far as I know. But nobody knew why (at least those I asked). I think she picked up on my nerdiness as well and associated it with a guy who couldn't get girls. But interestingly enough, I had some value to her when she was doing awful in one subject and asked for my help. I wish I had the balls back then to declinebut it can't be helped. What's done is done. - between us, I have a theory she used to be a nerd herself but was shamed about it. And maybe she saw a reflection of herself in me. Kind of like what Obito did to Naruto hahahaha

I had some situations in university that just made me realize how awful I was doing, both socially and romantically at that point. That led me to discovering GirlsChase, isolate myself a lot from other people and go my own way. I had some interesting encounters because I opened my mind to meeting new girls.

But something was lacking...

Part of it: sleeping with girls will only get you so far.

Truth is, I like interacting with people and share that good energy. But I still didn't know how to do it.

"Attracting people around me"
This is where I began the other journal. It's been a unplesant but necessary journey. I was always the different guy. Kind of easy to associate yourself with the label that has been given to you by others. Now I had to actually see for myself what it was like to be more like regular people.

And mind you, that I started with this late in university. I was trying to mingle in with people who had many years of experience in this partciular arena.

I used the "rules" of the calibrated vs uncalibrated person for some time. I actually never got to the other articles in my journal post. (Side note: from this article about "Stories that entertain but don't intrigue", I recognize a lot of the gambits I have read in the forum that they are interactive. I can definitely work on making my stories more interactive. But that's for another time)

What did I learn?
1: Often it's not so much about your skills but the topic - as long as you're not a downer. People are generally forgiving of your skills if you have the kind of value they are looking for. So if you watched that latest Avengers movie, you can bond with people hyped about Marvel movies.

2: People tend to like you more if they are following your emotions. Tell people what you did and how that affected you. Did you read a book, watch a play in the theatre or run a marathon? People may not relate to you about the particular thing you did, but they like when someone tells something they learned from.

3: People will usually forget what you say - but they will not forget how you made them feel. That's why when you ask people why they like you, or they will you themselves, they say something like "there was something about that conversation we had that day"

4: People like to talk about themselves - a lot. This can be a double-edged sword.

On one hand, you're actually making people qualify to you without being aware.

On the other hand, some people may take advantage of this - often without being aware of it - and not ask you back. This can either be a sign that they are not that skilled themselves (they care too much about your opinion as most people do), they are not interested, or you are taking things too far by deep diving at the wrong setting.

What am I working on?
In terms of skills, thread cutting. I usually love to listen to people talk, but I'm getting more impatient with it as time goes by, and it's not that fascinating to hear people with similar stories anymore. It's like I have heard most of it by now. I am beginning to recognize which parts of a conversation I can turn down and move on to another topic. But changing topic is hard if you don't have backup topics in your back pocket!

Following up from the above, I am beginning to think about what I want to know about new people I meet, also in terms of my love life. That way I should be able to screen people better and decide who I want to let into my life. Taking charge, baby! So if I want to know if someone does interesting physical hobbies, I should ask about that.

In the future, I would like to work consciously on being more lighthearted, especially between meeting someone and getting to know them. Taking the edge off that way.

Final words
Since my self-development journey began, it started with understanding women in terms of their love life. Then the last couple of years, it has mostly been understanding people in general. I have done a lot for the sake of other people.

And no doubt, it is all to get a better life myself.

But I feel like I'm reaching a transition point where I can live my life to fulfill myself more.

I don't need to befriend everybody anymore. And I don't need to interact with every girl in the room...

In fact, I should figure out what kind of people I would like to invite into my life. And screen them based on that. Let that be my goal for this week coming up.

To be continued...

 

[Lover]

Today marks the 32nd day of me abstaining from porn. This is so cool. And I'm confident I can continue this for a very long time.

Thankfully I was never an addict but I would have times of binging couple days straight, ruining my overall drive, mood and energy. And the procrastination which porn is, would spiral into more procrastinating actions until I had enough.

These days

• my baseline of the above factors have increased to noticeable highs
• I can even limit other procrastinating actions like social media with little effort
• my erections get much harder with little effort
• I make masturbating more about pleasure and less about getting a release

The only things I did different this time to get this far was joining the accountability team and be patient about the process. Rushing things too much will never get the job done for me.

Thanks @fog @Train @DarkKnight @Lofty @Mist22 and @Alpha13SC for the encouragement. I will let you know when I reach day 60

 

[Lover]

No time to dilly dally too much even though I want to share a lot of emotions lol. Let me just get to the point this time.

From post #12:

And later, I want to be better at showing my intent early on and creating the kind of bubble that makes everything feel so intimate from the get-go... but patience and consistency will get me there.

I read "Mode One" by Alan Roger Currie the last two days. It's one of those "stop being a nice guy" books that I have had too much ego to read in the past because noooo, I'm not a nice guy. Well I was in for a shock...

He writes about the four "modes" which guys operate in when they interact with women they feel attracted to. And guess what????

There is no doubt my behavior - on average - is that of a nice guy with the few girls I have the balls to approach myself and the girls that show me interest and that I also want myself! I may be attractive in the sense that I speak my mind, I disqualify myself as a boyfriend as much as possible, I flirt some with girls etc. BUT!

When it comes to stating my intent.... I beat around the bush. I wait for girls to make moves. I have a hard time saying things like "I had to meet you because you're attractive", "I want a drink with you because you seem fun", "You know what... *naughty eye contact* I could fuck the senses out of you, right here and right now". And I am sure I know why now...

I'm scared of girls' reactions...

I'm scared when I am going to tell my intentions, as if they are not important... At least, that's what seems most reasonable. It explains why I feel so weird when interactions end... I know something's lacking.

It also explains why I react so intensely when girls were into me and then break up with me (auto-rejection) when I don't offer them what they want long term. It takes a hit on my ego...

According to the book's lingo, it's about time I increase my "Egotistical Indifference". And only by being honest about my intentions - and living the kind of life I want to, regardless of what others think - can I do this.

And also when I read articles like "People Who Take Social and Sexual Risks Look Cool", there is no doubt this is the way to go.

In no way am I afraid of talking to girls as long as it is in the safe zone. But stating my intent, moving into the risky zone, has almost always been a problem. Not in my teen years, but well, life happens and changes you. I guess there is no way around this issue here and now.

So yeah, guess how I intend to spend my time when I see attractive girls