A Lover Goes Beyond

[Lover]

I totally relate. I have been in a situation like that thousands of times, where I got huge IOIs and still didn't approach.

Try doing the "Newbie Assignment"... it helped me out a lot! At least I can now say Hi to pretty much any girl I see, and sometimes get a conversation going

Thanks for the tip. I actually tried the newbie assignment couple of times before but never got pass day 4

I'm trying to do things my own way for now since I have a lot of social inhibitions beyond seduction. I need to face them and get rid of them before I can get to a point where I can approach easier. Read my two recent journal posts for context

 

[Lover]

In another thread, Hector wrote

I have a feeling and it's a very common thing with inexperienced guys, especially virgins. You have super, unrealistic standards. Unless a girl is super hot, you're hesitant. How do I know?

I was the same way. I had lots of girls I could have gotten, but unless she was gorgeous to me, I considered it a waste of time.

Why?

Because I was seeing girls as potential long-term mates instead of sexually. That's fine if that's what you want. Maybe you want to only focus on girls who are 10/10 to you. That's fine. But it's not going to give you a lot of choices and when you do find a girl you want, it's going to be hard to game her, because you're going to be gunshy as a habit.

Men who are experienced or naturally are fuckers, they see women sexually first and only evaluate her as a long-term option after getting to know her.

1. Yes, my own passivity is also tied to the fact I look at girls' faces if their bodies look good. But if their faces aren't my type, I make an excuse to not approach. In that sense, I don't approach because of "super unrealistic standards". If the body looks good, that should be enough. It is really rare for girls to have a face I'm actually disgusted by

If I lower my standards a bit, I may have a smaller wall to overcome to approach again

2. Another part of my passivity is that I calculate LTR potential once I am actually getting somewhere with a girl. This is just how I have been operating most of the time

How would things change if I got myself to see girls sexually first and stopped caring about their LTR potential? I already know the answer because it happens after breakups. It is possible to get to a point where it is my default mode if I keep going out and expose myself to more girls

 

[gameboy]

That's actually very solid advice from Hector there.

Today I approached a couple of girls that weren't totally my type either, and had great conversations with both of them. Just to get in the habit of approaching.

The first girl I would have slept with if she had thrown herself at me, but she kind of rejected my (indirect) attempt at a #close.

The 2nd girl, I don't know, she wasn't ugly but I just didn't vibe with her on a level that made me interested in picking her up. So I chatted with her in a friendly way for 30 minutes, which was fun too.

 

[Lover]

@gameboy

That's actually very solid advice from Hector there.

I agree. In the last three years after moving to my current city, I had at least three or four different women I could have had something happen with from sociale circle. After my recent lay with one from that circle, it's clear I have missed out on some potential lays if I just took a chance. Unfortunately there were circumstances that screwed up my mindset. And after my recent breakup, it's like I'm open to changing my way of approaching this whole thing

 

[Lover]

Honestly, the more I'm with new women, the more I stop taking them at face value. (And generally, I am getting better to "agree and amplify" when women say funny woman stuff but that's for another day)

My recent lay from last week was over again tonight. Last time she claimed she was bad at communicating stuff about herself, especially vulnerable subjects

But what do you know. Tonight she found a way to let me know between the lines that she wants to know she's not just another lay to me. And once it got to my attention, I could only tell how something changed inside me when I got the urge to give her pleasure and satisfaction. Not the best answer but I know what to say if we circle back to it

And because she has a history with an ex cheating, she is a bit displeased that we are not a thing. She was afraid it would bubble up if she kept it hidden, and then she shared. But she also claims she knows it's too soon to even talk about this stuff until things are figured out with her family

Lastly, she claims that she never had any conscious intentions of sleeping with me last week. And she didn't even have any clue she liked me until some weeks ago. She was just surprised it led to us sleeping together

Just sharing to remind myself that it's always better to not take a woman's word at face value but instead look at context, circumstances and overall impression. None of the things she said might be wrong per se. But what is her actual and maybe subconscious intention - that's what matters

And this also proves to me why seduction works. Even if women don't know themselves why they do what they do, we do

Edit: she even told me a little about her past how she went to work for a few months in a foreign country but she also dislikes traveling. We talked a bit about ideal self vs actual self, and I think she talks a lot in ideals. This also shows when we have differences in opinions. E.g. she is more traditional, and I'm not to that extent, and we joke about that too. But it's much more fun to have fun and joke around with all this until she inevitably wants to know what we are

 

[Lover]

New girl is most likely not to be seen again in a sexual context - and who knows about a platonic context lol

She came over again. We kissed for a bit before she insisted she couldn't do this between us if we were not de facto exclusive. I tried lots of different arguments, mostly emotional ones, but to no avail. She wouldn't give in, although she claimed she was thinking of a compromise lol. I am beginning to notice how many claims women make...

She got dressed eventually but wouldn't leave, again. It got hot and heavy at one point but it was starting to get pointless. I just wasn't feeling it. I like a challenge but it didn't feel this was one where she could surrender to my or her own desires. She was trying to lure me in like the first time where she wanted to sleep over without having sex - this time to make me surrender my sexual freedom

Oh well, she followed through when I for the umpf-teenth time told her flirtatiously it's time to go home. She went out without saying anything. The only thing I could do instinctively was telling her to get back home safely, to which she thanked me

I don't know what to make of this. I feel pretty "meh, whatever" about it. Unexpected, sure. But I didn't feel I lost anything, considering the deal she offered me without any regard to how it would benefit me. And that's why I will move on easily from this

I am not sure how she views all this. It's a weird experience

Good thing holidays are coming up!

 

[Lover]

Have been pretty upbeat lately. And when people talk about downright boring topics or topics that bring a bad energy, I want to change topic or leave, instead of staying on topic about something that may use up my energy

 

[Lover]

Wrapping up 2023:

My LTR:
Had to break up with my ex. It was still my best relationship yet. Now it's three months ago I broke up, and I have seen how it went south.

I think the last six months were the worst. It was a tough time for her at the time it started because she lost her job through bankruptcy and was without one until a former coworker reopened the business. Then she took on too many tasks, and her doctor assessed she was sick/stressed from overworking. And she took a leave. We were financially on different terms, and I honestly didn't mind paying for her once in a while

It came to a point where she had to drag me down to her level in terms of energy and mood to get herself back up. She went to a psychologist because of the stress and got diagnosed with Asperger. This was not bad for any of us, and it made me aware I may have autistic tendencies myself.

I had to next her twice because of unacceptable behavior. And when I felt like nexting her a third time in two months, I had to end it. Because of her rigid thinking and less social awareness from having Asperger, a next was not a great strategy. If anything, it made her more anxious than before becaue she was all in her head and couldn't see things from my perspective. It was a sad, one-sided break-up. But I finally managed to break up with a girl instead of letting things die off and making her initiate it

I'm aware to vet girls more before getting into a relationship with them. I see now that I'm more of a prize than ever, and girls won't take damage to work to win me over

The new girl
I wrote about her in recent LR and post about getting exclusive too soon. Not much to report since then. All I know is that a short time from break-up to rebound is much better for me to move on than waiting till I get better otherwise

What to expect in the new year?
Honestly, I don't know. My view on things has changed a lot this year. It scares me a bit. I made some lifestyle goals after the break-up and got into the gym, eating with more awareness and dancing. This has really lifted my baseline mood and energy levels to new heights. I think I will make these habits a continuous priority until they stick. And then I will probably get back to my journal when I have something to report

The Lover is truly going beyond at this point

Merry Xmas and happy new year

 

[Lover]

The new girl
I wrote about her in recent LR and post about getting exclusive too soon. Not much to report since then.

The reason for posting less is because we are a thing now and going strong six months in. It hasn't been without minor bounces and struggles, but we have overcome it by talking as adults.

I'm excited to see where this will go

 

[Lover]

Always remember that women are not on-off buttons when it comes to sex. Rather, they are like volume buttons that have to be gradually increased (aroused!) to feel that sexual desire

They usually need less arousal during the honey moon phase of a relationship.

It will be interesting to see in my current relationship, almost eight monts in how much actual arousal will be needed to induce that desire. She blames her cycle and the stress of returning to her regular schedule at the moment for not feeling the desire. But if I try to get her to bed the same way I did the first time - one step forward, two steps back - she will get into it at some point. The repetitions and not-so-positive lovey dovey feelings during the sex are tiring though, and I'm not sure how else to spice it up at the moment.

But sex is sex, I guess?? Regardless of how she feels besides the sex. It still amazes me what is possible out there

It sure helps to go with my gut feeling. It helps keeping me grounded and not do and say anything irrational. I suppose most men would go crazy when their woman starts to shut off the hot water